Advice for girl friend of APD

dontgetit

Member
I need advice on how to deal with my boyfriend who hasn't officially been diagnosed with APD, but he does acknowledge this is probably the problem. It is so hard to watch someone you love self-destruct and purposely push people they claim to love away. I am at a loss on what to do. Communication is nearly possible because I have to be so careful what and how I say it without upsetting him. Right now he won't answer his phone or emails. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
 

dontgetit

Member
Yes. He didn't tell me the true scope of his problems, but vary degrees of the disorder would leak out at times. One day he just flipped out and it has been crazy since. I have tried to be patient and find various articles / forums for him to help. He would rather be alone than risk disappointing me on any level.
What is the deal?
 

bletch

Member
You're sure he's Avoidant? I've always though of APD as a series of bad habits and negative thinking that becomes more intense and debilitating over a long period of time -- a kind of mental addiction -- not something you can just "flip out" over. Maybe he has another problem in addition to APD?

All you can really do is advise him to seek professional help, and hope that he does it. You can't take responsibility for his problems. If he decides not to help himself, don't beat yourself up over it; ultimately the choice to help himself has to be his own.
 

Incognito

Well-known member
I can see how he would "flip out". I'm Avoidant myself and I can tell you that if he didn't see a way out of whatever social stress he was facing he could react that way. Has he actually told you about his problem or did you figure it out?
 

Gone

Well-known member
dontgetit said:
Communication is nearly possible because I have to be so careful what and how I say it without upsetting him.

Don't be too carefull with how you speak to him, he will pick up on that and just become more avoidant around you, you gotta speak openly and honestly to him, treat him like a normal person but be understanding. He atleast have to feel safe around you before you can help him in any way.
 

dontgetit

Member
Thank you for being so forthcoming with your insights. To answer the replies:
He probably is also battling depression and anxiety. But finding the sympons to APD has given him a viable reaason to the way he as been feeling. He thinks being in the army accelerated the symptoms - unable to take criticism, afraid to get close ect.
I have been honest and taken the 'tough love' approach. He doesn't want to be together because in his mind I deserve better and he can never be in a normal relationship because the way he thinks about himself.
He refuses to get help and when I 'correct' him on his negative thoughts about himself, he gets so angry. Stating that I don't listen to him.
Being to think i am the one that is crazy...
 

dontgetit

Member
I have shared a number of websites and forums with him. Pretty sure he has checked them out by different comments he has made.
His fears are stopping him from having a healthy and happy life. He told me today that he 'chooses to be miserable'. I pleaded for an hour today to not breakup with me, but no success.
 

Incognito

Well-known member
He broke up with you? I'm so sorry to here that. :( You tried your best but really he has to reach a point where he believes that he can beat it. I think you did help him though. He has proof that someone doesn't think he's unappealing. When he does start to get better this will help.
 

dontgetit

Member
Thanks for listening. This is a unique disorder that majority of people have never heard of and understand the self-imposed prison that doesn't allow any escape. So I have received very little empathy from my friends. It is chalked up as a man who doesn't want to commit.
 

scorpion

Well-known member
Well APD people are very afraid of rejection.
They realy like a person, but are so afraid that person will leave them, so they do it first.
He problably loves you very much, but just doesnt believe you want to stay with him.
Dont think less of yourself, because it has nothing to do with you.
And dont give him up, because he realy doesnt want that.

The only thing that we APD sufferers want is someone that doent gives up on us, even whend it seems we are giving up on them.
 

dontgetit

Member
I see this completely with him and you are correct that he dumped me first so wouldn't have to worry about it now or in the future. He told me that he loves and wants me, but can't have a relationship. He told me that he would rather be miserable than try to keep a very good thing with me. Ouch!
So what should I do? Leave him alone? Wait till he comes to his senses?
Call or email occasionally? He refuses therapy and said he only wanted me to help. But it is hard to help someone that has thrown you out of his life.
Do all of you cringe at questions or specifically any query that starts with "why"? You can just see the anxiety well up in him.
Is it common to throw away a great relationship? And, most importantly, what does it usually take for someone to make the conscious decision to want to change and not live in fear?
 

2Crowded

Well-known member
Just save a space for him in that big heart of yours....don't push him...just make sure he know's that you are stil gonna be there when he is ready...It will mean the world to him.... I know it would to me.

I have APD by the way...
 

scorpion

Well-known member
Well if he is APD he will never take the first step, so dont give him up.

Insist, even if it seems that he has trow you away from his life, he hasnt.

Give him a litle space, but dont give him up.
 

bletch

Member
dontgetit said:
Do all of you cringe at questions or specifically any query that starts with "why"? You can just see the anxiety well up in him.

A big part of APD, in my experience, is an intense amount of shame about who you are, a generally low feeling of self-esteem. Part of this is a reluctance to open up to other people for fear of how they will react. Many of us, maybe all of us, have been hurt by others in the past and we assume that if we show our real selves to someone else, they will be disgusted by who we are and we will be hurt again. Avoidance is, at its root, a defense mechanism.
 

Incognito

Well-known member
I've always gotten anxious whenever things got personal. I was afraid of ridicule. In order for him to make that decision to change, he has to believe change is possible. Bletch is right, self-esteem is a huge issue. He's probably refusing therapy because he's afraid the therapist will judge him. What did it for me was that the therapist who diagnosed me wasn't judgemental. Once I realized that it felt good to talk about it. Give him some space but if you can find ways to remind him what it is you love about him. I'm rooting for this guy. :)
 

dontgetit

Member
Nothing much to report except he thinks a relationship is out of the question because of the way he is. What it so interesting that he was the 'perfect' boyfriend for about 8 months. My kids and parents fell in love with him. He acknowledges he was very happy during this time, but feels he was faking it and being somebody he wasn't.

What is so ironic that probably all APD people are the perfect mate if they would only allow themselves to go with the flow. Choosing to listen to the negative self-talk rather than the affirmative words from others who love them will always baffle me.

I have had my own issues with self-image with anorexia when I was a teen, but I learned self-talk can be used in a positive way. I read somewhere that a pivotal point for one person was to see people with a physical handicap and functioning at a high level.

What should I make of this new behavior? He easily provoked ot anger while I am talking to him. He will scream outloud and I have seen him throw things. Under most stiuations, I would run so fast because it would be a red flag to potential abuse. I am wishfully hoping the anger is a sign he is fed up being this way. Always thought deep seated anger was at the root of this disorder.
 

social_phobia2009

New member
scorpion said:
Well APD people are very afraid of rejection.
They realy like a person, but are so afraid that person will leave them, so they do it first.
He problably loves you very much, but just doesnt believe you want to stay with him.
Dont think less of yourself, because it has nothing to do with you.
And dont give him up, because he realy doesnt want that.

The only thing that we APD sufferers want is someone that doent gives up on us, even whend it seems we are giving up on them.

This is very well explained. Couldn't be said better.

So it's not your fault at all. You're not doing anything wrong. He is trying to protect himself from breaking up, so to avoid that pain (rejection), that is the essence of avoidant personality, he dumped you first.

Of course that has no logical sence, to dump someone you love, but apd doesn't care about logic.

So as ilogic as it may sound, the more he loves you, the more he wants to dump you just to not suffer if you eventually dump him.

The best way to deal with this is to insist untill he realizes you love him just as much. Of course this may take months, but as you noticed, avoidants prove to be the most caring persons once they are secure that the feeling is mutual.

Letting go of him will tell him that you don't care about him and will make him think that he did the right thing - leaving you, thus leading him deeper into his false belives, making his apd more pronounced.

Hope you'll have the patience cause that is ALL you need. Good luck and don't give up :)
 
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