Advice please

Hi,

The social anxiety that I experience makes it difficult to get out of a rut even though I want to partake in society. I have tried so many times to break out of the rut. The problem is I find it difficult to find people that I feel at ease with. My SA also makes me very suspicious of others. As a result, I stay in a comfort zone and then I regret wasting time. I am now in my 40's and don't know what to do even though I have been to therapy several times with different therapists.

Your comfort zone has become your discomfort zone. The only way to get out is to figure out your values and establish objectives. Then, do your best to work on them without wasting time. Live outside of yourself and enjoy things, and stop living in the workings of your own mind.

Sacrament said:

Your comfort zone has become your discomfort zone. The only way to get out is figure out your values, and establish objectives. Then, do your best to work on them without wasting time. Live outside of yourself and enjoy things, and stop living in the workings of your own mind.

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^^^^^^ THIS! ^^^^^^^
It is hard to get out of your comfort zone but it gets easier by setting baby steps to reach your goals.
Try saying hello to everyone you see.

I don't find it difficult to talk to strangers. The social anxiety is worse the more I get to know people which is why I could never hold down a job. How do I find people that I can connect with? I struggle with making friends really.

Shyguest said:

I don't find it difficult to talk to strangers. The social anxiety is worse the more I get to know people which is why I could never hold down a job. How do I find people that I can connect with? I struggle with making friends really.

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When I go to work, I focus on my job and what I have to do to earn the check.
People and friends come second.

Maybe try finding people who enjoy things you enjoy. The internet is a wonderful place. What are some of your hobbies?

I'm in the same boat as you. I am slightly younger than you but not that much. What I do is exposure therapy. I take steps that I believe I can cope with and go on increasing the exposure as my coping capacity increases. So I think the key is persistence and an intelligent approach.

The first two weeks of my exposure were the toughest but then it got better after that. Also, as I had been keeping all my emotions to myself for so long they all started coming out and it was rather nasty. Nastier than staying in my comfort zone. In fact, I still experience strange emotions that I hadn't experienced for years. Some days I feel afraid, others anxious, others paranoid,...but I can only expect that as I advanced in my treatment they will gradually decrease; possibly, completely dissapearing one day.

If you have had SA for a long time you're probably not going to be relaxed when you are with strangers. How can you be? But that discomfort is a normal part of the process. In fact, if you are exposing yourself to a phobia and don't feel discomfort, you probably aren't doing much to get rid of it. A mild level of anxiety is desirable in this.

And as for you being suspicious of others...well, that in itself isn't bad. Some people are *******s and if you are specially vulnerable like the people on this site, you have to keep your wits about you. The key of course is to see if those thoughts are justified or not.

I'm actually better with strangers than I am with people I know. I'm ok with strangers until I get to know them. Then, I start avoiding them and can't cope with the anxiety because I find it really difficult to connect with people.

There's no easy way out. You have to get step by step out of your comfort zone, try to get closer to people and see them as much as possible. For e.g im comfy around my brother, cuz he was around everyday. now make other ppl that way. it'll get better the more you get closer to ppl and to your self

I think the problem is I don't have the same interests as people and I struggle to find people who inspire me.

Shyguest said:

I don't find it difficult to talk to strangers. The social anxiety is worse the more I get to know people which is why I could never hold down a job. How do I find people that I can connect with? I struggle with making friends really.

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Of course, because you are exposing yourself to them and giving them more reasons to possibly distance themselves from you. It leaves you vulnerable to rejection and pain, which is even worse for those of us with SA. But there is no other way to form a connection with someone unless you make it through the "getting to know you" phase. I can't tell you how many times I have been "dumped" mid-friendship and often I never found out why. I still look back on all those times and beat myself up over it. But on the flip side, I now have friends whom I share a true connection with and I feel comfortable around. All of them I have met while I was forcing myself to be outgoing, and none of them were a seamless anxiety-free process at the beginning. A good way to start is showing people that you are genuinely interested in them. Ask questions, let them talk, try to feed off of their enthusiasm.

I've tried all these things in the past and they have usually let me down. As I say my interests are very often different to other people or I find it difficult to hold down a conversation after the initial meeting. I tend to feel a lot more at ease with people who I think are also finding it difficult to hold down friendships. Even then though, I have to feel I have something that we share in common. I like being inspired and believe it or not, I am getting bitter because there are so many things I've wanted to achieve and I'm panicking and getting more depressed because I'm not achieving them. I'm watching other people my age who have got married, had children and in good jobs. I've wanted all these things and I still do. I've been to see many therapists and tried to get out of this rut so many times but I don't know what to do now. I don't want to end up even more bitter as it won't help me or anyone else.

Shyguest said:

I've tried all these things in the past and they have usually let me down. As I say my interests are very often different to other people or I find it difficult to hold down a conversation after the initial meeting. I tend to feel a lot more at ease with people who I think are also finding it difficult to hold down friendships. Even then though, I have to feel I have something that we share in common. I like being inspired and believe it or not, I am getting bitter because there are so many things I've wanted to achieve and I'm panicking and getting more depressed because I'm not achieving them. I'm watching other people my age who have got married, had children and in good jobs. I've wanted all these things and I still do. I've been to see many therapists and tried to get out of this rut so many times but I don't know what to do now. I don't want to end up even more bitter as it won't help me or anyone else.

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When I am in a group of people in a social setting I feel like I am the forever outsider and dont have anything in common with them even tho they might be my "friends"
I have a the worst time having coversatsions as well. Even online. After the hello how are you part. I just am blank and have no idea what else to do to hold down a conversation.

Dont give up!! You can do it. I know it seems like it can never be done but as long as you try, it is better then not trying at all. I deff know where you are coming from.

I've tried a lot of times and the only thing that helps is finding someone I connect with in some way. However, it isn't very often that I come across them really. Now, I hardly go out of the house. I've left so many jobs as a result of social anxiety and I'm now out of work.

My mom always tells me "you can't just sit around waiting for someone to do it for me. I have to do it myself." If you keep waiting around time will pass by and you just get more depressed. Trust me I know.

I think if you let yourself get into a rut, it's harder to do something about the situation. I haven't been in employment for years and I've no real friends in contact. I would like to improve my life and have my own family, if that's still possible at my age.

Sammie_Kay said:

My mom always tells me "you can't just sit around waiting for someone to do it for me. I have to do it myself." If you keep waiting around time will pass by and you just get more depressed. Trust me I know.

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This. Spend less time overthinking, and more time doing. Want to learn a new language? Start now. Wanna learn how to fix things around the house? Do some research and go for it. Want to learn how to swim, how to ride a bike, how to drive a car? Get your shoes on and do something about it. Wanna meet new people? Do volunteer work.

The truth is that everything's at our fingertips at all times, but we're so wrapped in our own thoughts and fears that we allow things to slip by. No one can truly stop the cycle but you.

It is never to late to start. Even if it feels like it is. You can do it!

I don't think you should give up on yourself, there's still hope left. Right now I'm not working either but pretty soon I'm slowly starting to change things for myself. I seriously believe you can do it!