Am I stupid? I must be!

I stumbled upon this site while trying to figure out what's wrong with me. Wondering if there's any like-minded people out there. Basically, i'm trying to figure out why i'm so quiet. Not saying anything is the story of my life. It's why i've never had a girlfriend. If only I could be more talkative! ...which leads me to wonder why am I not more talkative? I notice other people saying whatever comes to their mind. A lot of times I think what people have to say is stupid, which creates a dichotomy, because I think I'm stupid for not saying anything. I wish I could small talk. I only talk when I need to. It makes me feel stupid and like there's something wrong with me. I think a perfect example is the fact that I feel as though I haven't even come close to expressing myself with this post. I just don't know what I should say, therefore I must be stupid. Feeling stupid really increases my social anxiety.

sense said:

I stumbled upon this site while trying to figure out what's wrong with me. Wondering if there's any like-minded people out there. Basically, i'm trying to figure out why i'm so quiet. Not saying anything is the story of my life. It's why i've never had a girlfriend. If only I could be more talkative! ...which leads me to wonder why am I not more talkative? I notice other people saying whatever comes to their mind. A lot of times I think what people have to say is stupid, which creates a dichotomy, because I think I'm stupid for not saying anything. I wish I could small talk. I only talk when I need to. It makes me feel stupid and like there's something wrong with me. I think a perfect example is the fact that I feel as though I haven't even come close to expressing myself with this post. I just don't know what I should say, therefore I must be stupid. Feeling stupid really increases my social anxiety.

Click to expand...

It sounds like a lack of self confidence, not stupidity. If a person doesn't talk much then they're not in the habit of expressing what it is they want to say, given that you don't, it makes sense that your brain is rusty when it comes to finding and expressing what you want. I used to be the same way. It just takes practice.

Welcome to the forum, btw. Please take the time to read some of the posts here. You'll realize you're not alone and that many of us struggle with the very same thing. A lot of intelligent people, I might add. Don't be so hard on yourself and learn to take the time in examining yourself; what you're about, what you want, what you would like to say, etc. Be patient with it. And good luck.

you're not stupid.

I also have trouble in making small talk.

Xervello said:

It sounds like a lack of self confidence, not stupidity. If a person doesn't talk much then they're not in the habit of expressing what it is they want to say, given that you don't, it makes sense that your brain is rusty when it comes to finding and expressing what you want. I used to be the same way. It just takes practice.

Welcome to the forum, btw. Please take the time to read some of the posts here. You'll realize you're not alone and that many of us struggle with the very same thing. A lot of intelligent people, I might add. Don't be so hard on yourself and learn to take the time in examining yourself; what you're about, what you want, what you would like to say, etc. Be patient with it. And good luck.

Click to expand...

Lack of self confidence is for sure, but why? Is it lack of achievments, my looks, or is it because I'm stupid? Wouldn't a smart person know enough to be self confident?


And thanks for the welcome. I've started reading the forum and it is comforting to know i'm not alone.

sense said:

Lack of self confidence is for sure, but why? Is it lack of achievments, my looks, or is it because I'm stupid? Wouldn't a smart person know enough to be self confident?


And thanks for the welcome. I've started reading the forum and it is comforting to know i'm not alone.

Click to expand...

If your confidence depends solely on your achieements, looks, wit, statuS, wealth, possessions etc, then your never going to b happy trust me. I know many people like that.They're on top of the world one day when things are going well, and miserable and defeated the next (when they see someone else better than them). you dont want to be riding this roller coaster.

The key is to be intrinsically confident in who you are, warts and all. As far as i know most people achieve this because they had loving parents who loved them consistently and unconditionally. parnts who are emotionally mature and stable (as opposed to childish and temperamental).

for the rest of us, it's going to be a lot of work and i dont have all the answers because i'm also trying to figure it all out.

Scrabbl said:

If your confidence depends solely on your achieements, looks, wit, statuS, wealth, possessions etc, then your never going to b happy trust me. I know many people like that.They're on top of the world one day when things are going well, and miserable and defeated the next (when they see someone else better than them). you dont want to be riding this roller coaster.

The key is to be intrinsically confident in who you are, warts and all. As far as i know most people achieve this because they had loving parents who loved them consistently and unconditionally. parnts who are emotionally mature and stable (as opposed to childish and temperamental).

for the rest of us, it's going to be a lot of work and i dont have all the answers because i'm also trying to figure it all out.

Click to expand...

I wish I could become intrinsically confident. I keep trying the fake it until I make it approach. If you know about the concious and subconscious mind; I can conciously tell myself I'm confident, but my subconscious mind doesn't believe it. So when I act confident it just feels fake. I don't know how many positive affirmations it'll take to reprogram my subconscious mind.
I can relate to anyone who had bad parents. I definitely have a childhood to overcome.I wasn't programed well.

sense said:

I wish I could become intrinsically confident. I keep trying the fake it until I make it approach. If you know about the concious and subconscious mind; I can conciously tell myself I'm confident, but my subconscious mind doesn't believe it. So when I act confident it just feels fake. I don't know how many positive affirmations it'll take to reprogram my subconscious mind.
I can relate to anyone who had bad parents. I definitely have a childhood to overcome.I wasn't programed well.

Click to expand...

I've heard some people report having succeess with this fake it until they make it approach. i guess the idea is that because they display confidence (even if it's a false persona that they're creating), they'll have more social interactions, and people will like them more, which leads to them being more popular, which leads to more confidence in their social skills..

But you can have great social skills and still terrible self-esteem. I believe a lot of comedians and professional entertainers / actors are like this. They got so good at creating false personas and doing "impression management", because they were in a desperate way wanted to escape from their real selves. THey believe if people saw through the facade, people will see the monsters that they truly are.

I understand the conscious subconscious thing. The thing about emotions is that you can't tell yourself what to feel. They're our masters, not the other way around. The healthiest people trust their emotions and go with the flow, not fight them. Except for messed up people like me, my emotions are pretty f'ed up too. it takes all the self-control for me to not come across as a crazy person.

Edit: Refelcting on how i interact with people, I guess I also do a ton of faking. If I told a new friend the truth: that i never loved my parents and never really cared about or felt attached to anyone in my entire life, they would probably run for the hills thinking I'm a psychoptah, and I don't blame them. The problem is that I desperate want those things. I want to love and be loved and be attached people because the emptiness is too loud and unbearable. I just can't access those feelings.

Don't spend your time trying to figure out why you are quiet. You are quiet and there's nothing wrong with that. You can join the club of many strong silent types. Being quiet grants you the ability to put on your show of The Good Listener - just listen for key words to keep them talking. You'll join in when something peaks your interest.

Don't worry about being talkative. The strong silent ones have the better attraction IMHO. Mystery, intrigue, mystique, ...~ intelligence & ...~ intellectual.

But!

We do need to talk a little bit more sometimes. To make connections with others so we can help rise out of a depressed state. I learned some time ago that someone somewhere would think what I was saying IS stupid. Regardless of whatever it was I was saying. So just say what you say. Keeping with that - and keeping polite - helped me.

The keeping polite bit I am still working on. Found out I have a bit of the foot-in-mouth disease.

sense said:

I stumbled upon this site while trying to figure out what's wrong with me. Wondering if there's any like-minded people out there. Basically, i'm trying to figure out why i'm so quiet. Not saying anything is the story of my life. It's why i've never had a girlfriend. If only I could be more talkative! ...which leads me to wonder why am I not more talkative? I notice other people saying whatever comes to their mind. A lot of times I think what people have to say is stupid, which creates a dichotomy, because I think I'm stupid for not saying anything. I wish I could small talk. I only talk when I need to. It makes me feel stupid and like there's something wrong with me. I think a perfect example is the fact that I feel as though I haven't even come close to expressing myself with this post. I just don't know what I should say, therefore I must be stupid. Feeling stupid really increases my social anxiety.

Click to expand...

Welcome to the forum!

You sound just like me except I know why I'm quiet. The reason why I don't talk much to people around me is mostly due to the fact that I have no topics or experiences to share with them. I can't really seem to relate to them and vice versa. I also do have trouble initiating small talk. It usually doesn't go to well and ends up in this long awkward silence.

For me, this is linked with intellect. A lack of social and/or conversation skill, especially wit, is definitely a problem of the intellect. My proof is myself: I'm very far from gifted.

Sial Axetder said:

We do need to talk a little bit more sometimes. To make connections with others so we can help rise out of a depressed state. I learned some time ago that someone somewhere would think what I was saying IS stupid. Regardless of whatever it was I was saying. So just say what you say. Keeping with that - and keeping polite - helped me.

Click to expand...

Do not inspire false hope, please. If someone is a third-wheel, a third-wheel they shall remain. They'll always be awkward and off-key, and that's not fixable. It is what it is, the faster you accept ineptitude and lifelong loneliness, the happier you will be.

Something for you to think about when you call yourself stupid.

"The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are so full of doubts, while the stupid ones are full of confidence."

Charles Bukowski

MollyBeGood said:

Something for you to think about when you call yourself stupid.

"The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are so full of doubts, while the stupid ones are full of confidence."

Charles Bukowski

Click to expand...

Ah still feel kinda stupid, despite thinkin' about this quote a lot, masel'. :idontknow:

Sial Axetder said:

Don't spend your time trying to figure out why you are quiet. You are quiet and there's nothing wrong with that. You can join the club of many strong silent types. Being quiet grants you the ability to put on your show of The Good Listener - just listen for key words to keep them talking. You'll join in when something peaks your interest.

Don't worry about being talkative. The strong silent ones have the better attraction IMHO. Mystery, intrigue, mystique, ...~ intelligence & ...~



The keeping polite bit I am still working on. Found out I have a bit of the foot-in-mouth disease.

Click to expand...

I like this. The strong silent type. Rather than change myself, maybe I could figure out how to be confident in who I already am. ...I won't elaborate, for i'm the strong silent type!

Bronson99 said:

Do not inspire false hope, please. If someone is a third-wheel, a third-wheel they shall remain. They'll always be awkward and off-key, and that's not fixable. It is what it is, the faster you accept ineptitude and lifelong loneliness, the happier you will be.

Click to expand...

All righty then.
If loneliness makes you happier go for it!

Sial Axetder said:

All righty then.
If loneliness makes you happier go for it!

Click to expand...

Oh, it doesn't.

But what's the alternative? Talking to more people, trying to branch out, etc. I know that much myself. But I also know that I don't have the wit/skill to properly converse, and so it's a foregone conclusion that I will not connect to people or otherwise be thought of as "weird." Is that what you suggest...? This is just a genetically determined thing, if the OP has what I have.. they need to accept it.

Bronson99 said:

Oh, it doesn't.

But what's the alternative? Talking to more people, trying to branch out, etc. I know that much myself. But I also know that I don't have the wit/skill to properly converse, and so it's a foregone conclusion that I will not connect to people or otherwise be thought of as "weird." Is that what you suggest...? This is just a genetically determined thing, if the OP has what I have.. they need to accept it.

Click to expand...

I can relate to your hopelessness, but I have a feeling it's more self determined than genetically determined. I don't like the idea of blaming other people.

It's easy to except it but do you really think we need to? I'm not so sure.

I mean, I might be stupid but maybe I could learn.

MollyBeGood said:

Something for you to think about when you call yourself stupid.

"The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are so full of doubts, while the stupid ones are full of confidence."

Charles Bukowski

Click to expand...

Thank you for that beautiful qoute. I think it's so true.

I'm starting to think coward is a better word than stupid. I'm smart enough to know it's silly to be afraid of people and to think i'm less than others, but the fear persists. And I keep not facing my fears. I also think laziness is a big part of it. I'm too lazy to overcome my social anxiety. I mean I know I could do it. Anything is possible, but at what cost?!?!

sense said:

I'm starting to think coward is a better word than stupid. I'm smart enough to know it's silly to be afraid of people and to think i'm less than others, but the fear persists. And I keep not facing my fears. I also think laziness is a big part of it. I'm too lazy to overcome my social anxiety. I mean I know I could do it. Anything is possible, but at what cost?!?!

Click to expand...

I think you're almost there. Moving away from stupid. Coward, though, still gives you more negatory feelings to dwell on. We've all got enough those. We don't need anymore.

Personally I am trying to make a choice and see my anxieties as a challenge to overcome. I think it will be a daily challenge - hoping it will become second nature. Doesn't help rid of the fear and procrastination yet but perhaps in time?

Ultimately it does come down to getting up and out and doing whatever it is you need to do to get past the challenges of anxiety.

Keep going, you've got the right sense :thumbup: