I know exactly what you are feeling. I couldn't finish college either because of my social anxiety. I, too, have thought of ending it. Believing that I won't be able to hold down a job to pay the bills and believing that I will never be able to have a genuine connection to another human being makes me feel that there is no place for me here as a result. If I can't support myself and develop relationships, what's the point of living?
I was feeling this way a week ago. I was home, alone(which is sadly the norm), and these thoughts were repeating themselves, emphasizing these facts. I realized that the only logical conclusion was that I was not going to survive much longer. My days were numbered. I can't go on forever like this. I refuse to ask family for money and I absolutely refuse to be homeless, so what is the other option? I absolutely want to work, to be highly educated, to be of service to the community in some way. I dream of going back to school, getting a bachelor's, even a master's. The ONLY thing holding me back is SA.
Once I came to this conclusion, it felt almost as if a doctor had just told me that I had a terminal condition that could not be treated and that I had only a few months to live. I then made peace with that. I knew this wasn't something I had control over, I don't know what caused this condition so how can I blame myself for it, and everything I failed to do that any normal person can achieve is solely due to this condition.
And this I want to emphasize to you. You are being held back by something that is not under you control. It is not a personality defect and it does not reflect who you really are. Knowing this will not cure you and make you 'normal' but I want to at least point that out to you. Maybe it will give you some degree of comfort. It sort of did for me. It gave me perspective.
Think of someone in the world who has made a huge success of him/herself, for example, a celebrity you admire. For me, I think of a particular actor whom I admire. I watch her interviews and her performances and envy the ease with which she interacts with others. Sometimes I start to feel bad about myself because of how I haven't accomplished a fraction of what she has. But then, I remind myself of this: had she been afflicted with a severe case of SA since she was 14(as I have been), she wouldn't be famous today. She wouldn't have the money, career, influence, and friends that she has today.
Think about how your life would have turned out had you not had SA. This may seem like a silly exercise but imagine what you would have accomplished, the friends you would have made, maybe even the person you would have met and married. Then, be proud of that. Know that that would have been you had you not had SA holding you back.
For me, I would have been an optometrist. I'd have my own practice now. I would have a few very close friends with whom I would have fun evenings together with cooking, laughing, philosophizing.
I acknowledge that I have so much to offer others. The only thing keeping that from happening is SA.
Soon after I concluded that my days may be numbered and had made peace with that fact, I made a decision. I wasn't going to cease without knowing that I had tried EVERYTHING. So, I thought long and hard about what may be causing my SA. Could it be my thoughts? No. Could it be my weight? Possibly. So, I will healthfully find a way to reach my normal weight(which I haven't been since I was 14, coincidentally.) But what if it has nothing to do with my weight? Could it be something I'm consuming? Yes. I did some reading and found that some people experienced a drastic reduction, if not complete elimination, of their anxiety after following a gluten-free diet. I don't believe I've ever gone a day without eating something with gluten in it. So, two days ago, I went gluten-free. I'm also vegan but apparently cutting out animal products had no effect whatsoever on my SA. So, I'm eating super-healthy and losing weight at the same time. I should know soon if it's gluten-related. And in a few months, when I reach my normal weight, I will know if it's weight-related.
My point is: don't give up until you've exhausted every possible 'cure'.
You're not alone. You're not a freak. What you are suffering is not your fault and it doesn't reflect who you are on the inside. Unfortunately, the burden is on us sufferers to figure out what is causing SA and how to fix it. If you figure out the fix, please remember to share it with me and the rest of us!
