Anxiety Interfering with Intimacy

As a new college student I have gotten used to bring surrounded by the "hookup culture" that is common among my peers. No one seems to have any qualms about getting intimate with others, even going all the way if they have strong enough feelings for them.
On the other hand, I've bee with my boyfriend since my first year of high school and compared to most people I know we've barely done anything sexually. Now that we're both in college together at the same school it seems like a much bigger deal. I want to do stuff for him that makes him happy, I really do, but my nervousness always gets the better of me. I even get sled-conscious of my kissing and I'm too scared to try anything else.
I'm really worried that he's starting to give up on getting any satisfaction from me. I just know that if I don't do something soon that he's going to find someone else who will. And hey, he deserves someone who will go out of their way to make him happy so I can't really blame him now can I? At lest that's how I feel lately...
Any advice?
 
If he's lived with it this long he must be pretty understanding. Just because people are caught up doing stuff don't mean you're wrong for not following suit. Why dont you go tell him you're anxious and are afraid he'll leave if you don't cave to the pressure. He would probably understand.
 

DepravedFurball

Well-known member
Shopping list:

-Three small lengths of soft rope.
-Can of whipped cream.
-Strip of cloth to be used as a blindfold.
-A sturdy chair.

Proper application:

-Have naked boyfriend sit in chair.
-Tie blindfold over his eyes.
-Tie his hands behind his back.
-Bind his ankles to the legs of the chair.
-Squirt whipped cream on his groin. Re-apply when necessary.
-Do whatever else you want.

Afterwards:

-Take pictures.
-Blackmail him to never speak of your actions to anyone, ever.
-Promise to spank him if he's naughty.
 
Shopping list:

-Three small lengths of soft rope.
-Can of whipped cream.
-Strip of cloth to be used as a blindfold.
-A sturdy chair.

Proper application:

-Have naked boyfriend sit in chair.
-Tie blindfold over his eyes.
-Tie his hands behind his back.
-Bind his ankles to the legs of the chair.
-Squirt whipped cream on his groin. Re-apply when necessary.
-Do whatever else you want.

Afterwards:

-Take pictures.
-Blackmail him to never speak of your actions to anyone, ever.
-Promise to spank him if he's naughty.

Sounds like the furball is kinda freaky... *high five*
 

Phoenixx

Well-known member
As a new college student I have gotten used to bring surrounded by the "hookup culture" that is common among my peers. No one seems to have any qualms about getting intimate with others, even going all the way if they have strong enough feelings for them.
On the other hand, I've bee with my boyfriend since my first year of high school and compared to most people I know we've barely done anything sexually. Now that we're both in college together at the same school it seems like a much bigger deal. I want to do stuff for him that makes him happy, I really do, but my nervousness always gets the better of me. I even get sled-conscious of my kissing and I'm too scared to try anything else.
I'm really worried that he's starting to give up on getting any satisfaction from me. I just know that if I don't do something soon that he's going to find someone else who will. And hey, he deserves someone who will go out of their way to make him happy so I can't really blame him now can I? At lest that's how I feel lately...
Any advice?
^ Hey, sk8tergurl I can relate, especially what's in bold. While I have only been dating my boyfriend for over 4 months now, we were best friends in high school for a few years, so I kinda feel like we've known each other/kinda been together for a while. Intimacy also very much scares me. Compared to some couples, we haven't done much sexually either. I can't say he hasn't tried, but my self-consciousness and anxiety keep me from pursuing anything further, not to mention I don't feel ready yet anyway. I often think that he's going to get bored and sick of me, he'll eventually find someone else. I've mentioned this to him before though and he has assured me that it's okay to go at our own pace and that he's not in a rush for anything. The last thing he would want to do is pressure me into doing something I'm not ready for or feel comfortable with. Have you been open at all with your boyfriend about your anxiety?

I'm sorry I can't really offer you any advice, as I'm still trying to work these similar issues myself. You say that you and your boyfriend have been together this long, even without pursuing further intimacy -- I'd say he's already pretty understanding.
 

MikeyC

Well-known member
Sex, when you've never had it before, is like anything else you've never done before. It's scary, it's new, it's uncharted waters. However, sex is so personal and invasive and exposing that it can be difficult to allow yourself to be so unprotected.

I would suggest pushing your boundaries, but only slightly. Unfortunately, the only way you're going to get comfortable with sex is by having uncomfortable sex the first time. :ironicsmile: Trying to ride a bike or play the guitar for the first time ever is going to end badly, and it's the same with sex. First time is going to be weird and confusing. Don't think you're alone in this matter, either - even promiscuous males and females had to have their first sexual encounter, and I'm willing to bet that it didn't go as they had hoped.

As it is, I also have some trouble controlling anxiety when it comes to sex, so I'm not exactly an expert. I know that, thinking rationally, sex is just like anything else we learn in life. If your boyfriend says he's fine with taking it steady, then he's likely telling the truth, but - and I don't want to be a naysayer here - if he's ready to take it a step further and you keep distancing yourself from intimacy, he may eventually get bored and need to have his desires fulfilled elsewhere. If he loves you, it's unlikely, but it could happen.

Good luck with this! :)
 

Luckylife

Well-known member
Well I don't want to make assumptions on what you have or haven't done so I will only say what I think of 'it'.
Sex can be disappointing but it is still fun finding this out. What always gets me is how physical it is for the fun and how 'big' your partner is (I don't mean in terms of size ha ha) but how their body is so close and how it fills your senses, suddenly there is absolutely nothing else to think about. Personally, the most pleasure I have known is to be last in the bathroom then go to bed and have her waiting there for me to be wrapped up in her bodily embrace.
I have to say that it is often the make or break of a relationship and that platonic friendship can go nowhere for a very long time.
 
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Odo

Banned
Sk8er I hope you don't take this the wrong way but you seem to have the worst communication strategy in the world. Why are you telling all of your fears to us instead of him? It's always worse if you don't tell the person how you feel.

You definitely shouldn't have sex just because you're afraid of losing your boyfriend, but if it's a case of you wanting to do it but being afraid of not being 'good' enough then maybe you could ask him what he wants and let him 'take the lead', so to speak. After you're used to it more you can start thinking about what you want too.

I was afraid of sex for a very long time as well, but it's really not the big deal you're making it into and a lot of the things you're hung up on probably won't be an issue.

But yes, make sure you're ready/it's what you want before you do it and don't just do it because you're afraid of losing him.

If you do it right it might actually help your anxiety as well.
 

Lavinialuna

Well-known member
If you really are ready but not able to get past the anxiety, this is what I would do: Read some erotic novel (fifty shades of grey? That is popular, although I haven't read it myself) to get your hormones in check. This will also give you ideas as to what to expect. Plan ahead for it. I find for myself if I make a mental note that something will happen, I am better emotionally prepared (but don't psych yourself out.) You don't have to announce "I want to have sex", just start nibbling on his ear, and it should take off on it's own. Honestly, sometimes you have to fake it to make it. Pretend it's amazing even if it's awkward. It will be awkward, but hopefully tolerable.
Maybe this will give you a boost of self confidence? Maybe it will give you sense of control and reduce your insecurities about your relationship.
Of course if you aren't ready, then you just aren't ready. Don't do something you'll regret or will traumatize you later.
I am very open to talking about this stuff as I'm 42 and a mom (with 5 kids I obviously have experience ;) ) if you prefer to message me, I am always here.
Good luck to you. I hope you can eventually overcome your fear because sex can be a great stress release, and intimacy is wonderful.
 

Hellhound

Super Moderator
Shopping list:

-Three small lengths of soft rope.
-Can of whipped cream.
-Strip of cloth to be used as a blindfold.
-A sturdy chair.

Proper application:

-Have naked boyfriend sit in chair.
-Tie blindfold over his eyes.
-Tie his hands behind his back.
-Bind his ankles to the legs of the chair.
-Squirt whipped cream on his groin. Re-apply when necessary.
-Do whatever else you want.

Afterwards:

-Take pictures.
-Blackmail him to never speak of your actions to anyone, ever.
-Promise to spank him if he's naughty.

Note to self: Beware of the squirrel.
 
Thanks for the advice so far guys. I am aware that I need to talk to him about how I feel, but I'm jut tired of constantly coming off as being really insecure. Guys don't like having to deal with that...
Also I know I wasn't clear about this before, but I am READY to have sex and do everything else. It's just that when a moment arises I back off because I am afraid of creating an awkward moment. It isn't he's asking me and I'm denying him, it's just that I see an opening but I don't always go for it. Does that make sense?
 

mismeek

Well-known member
Thanks for the advice so far guys. I am aware that I need to talk to him about how I feel, but I'm jut tired of constantly coming off as being really insecure. Guys don't like having to deal with that...
Also I know I wasn't clear about this before, but I am READY to have sex and do everything else. It's just that when a moment arises I back off because I am afraid of creating an awkward moment. It isn't he's asking me and I'm denying him, it's just that I see an opening but I don't always go for it. Does that make sense?


I totally had this problem when I had my first bf. I would be thrown into a panic attack every time we went any further than heavy petting. My advice for you would be to

1. be ok with having awkward moments... trust me there will be many, but you have been with you bf long enough that you guys should be able to laugh it off. Sex is suppose to be fun! laughing during sex is perfectly fine.

2. If it makes you feel better, you take control. Furball wasn't too far from the mark. It made me feel way more comfortable if I was in control. not allowing him to touch me or even blindfolding him made it more easier for me to relax and more exciting for him. Its a win win.

just relax and have fun! its really not as scary as you think, but building it up into a huge ordeal will make it harder for you to relax. Maybe just do it impulsively?

good luck!:bigsmile::thumbup:
 

FountainandFairfax

in a VAN down by the RIVER
Just turn out the lights and imagine you're Angelina Jolie.

Seriously though, I was paralyzed with self-consciousness the last time I was intimate with someone (it had been a WHILE) until the lights were completely off, and then it was like Jekyll and Hyde. People have no clue how tough this kind of thing can be for us, I felt like a garden statue sitting next to her on the bed.

I have another bit of advice, but it wouldn't be appropriate out here. PM me if you want, and I'll give you another simple suggestion that might help you guys out.
 

mismeek

Well-known member
Just turn out the lights and imagine you're Angelina Jolie.

Seriously though, I was paralyzed with self-consciousness the last time I was intimate with someone (it had been a WHILE) until the lights were completely off, and then it was like Jekyll and Hyde. People have no clue how tough this kind of thing can be for us, I felt like a garden statue sitting next to her on the bed.

I have another bit of advice, but it wouldn't be appropriate out here. PM me if you want, and I'll give you another simple suggestion that might help you guys out.


I want to know the secret too!
 

LimitX

Member
It seems to me that you have your own values which your boyfriend and you have stuck to up to this point. I would suggest that you talk about this with him to see if you are on the same page then take it from there. College can be a place where you can make or break your life. You will need to decide whether going all the way will either make or break but it makes sense to decide together.

Losing him is a possibility that you cannot escape should you differ in your discussion but that is not the end of the world.
All the best
 
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