Anyone know anything about H-OCD? Please help if you do.

I'm a 28 year old male who has been deeply depressed for the last 10 years. I have suicidal thoughts daily and I simply cannot find joy in life anymore. I have very low self esteem and more recently I have been investigating to determine the root of my problems (which I kinda always knew). I determined that back in my teens I had a adult in my life who by many was considered gay and I was not aware he was at the time; however he was a macho guy who did not fit the stereotypical gay and I looked up to him. He began to do things that were inappropriate to me (i.e. kissing me on the head, hugging me in weird ways in which he would grind his genitals against me, asking me inappropriate questions at the urinals like 'do you ever look down at the person next to you?', and in one instance i remember his fondling his genitals with his hand and sticking his fingers in my mouth while I was lifting weights). I would feel really uncomfortable in all these situations, but I would just shrug it off and pretend it didn't happen and try to keep my distance from him. During this time frame I began to get teased by peers and they would say that I was his little boy and they would make remarks implying that I was gay cause I associated with him, calling me his 'little *****'. I grew to resent him and suddenly I found myself acting very defensive when I was called a 'gay' or 'fag'; Even though my closer friends may have been joking, I could no longer distinguish if they were joking or not. I eventually cut all ties with my friends, cause I could not handle to talk about anything that questioned my sexual orientation. I have been friendless ever since, afraid to get close to people. I have been in three long term relationships with females since, and I love the girl I am with now and would love to marry her and have children. But I'm afraid my inability to be happy will ultimately destroy our relationship. I need to know if what I am experiencing is H-OCD, I just heard the term for the first time today and when I started reading people's stories, it felt EXACTLY like what I was feeling (it hit the nail right on the head, I honestly thought I was the only person out there that felt this way).

I have always had crushes on girls growing up, although I was really shy and had difficulty asking girls out. My friends started throwing the word 'fag' around and because I was a virgin at 19 I started to wonder if it was true. With this added pressure, I suddenly went on this tear to lose my virginity as quickly as possible. I started to pursue girls who were easy and who I didn't have any interest in at all. My first sexual experience was so embarrassing as I could not even get an erection and just caused me to start thinking that was gayer.I finally did lose my virginity at 19 but it didn't change the insecurities I had. I couldn't handle the words of my friends and I eventually severed all ties with them. Ever since my confidence has been at an all time low, and if I don't fix it I'm not sure what my future holds.

I recall back in my teens doing odd things like if I would walk down the sidewalk, I would tell myself I was gay if I stepped on a crack, or your gay if you walk on a manhole in the street, or when playing basketball I was gay for not making a particular basket. If I stepped on that crack, or stepped on that manhole, or missed that basket, I would feel extremely depressed. This behavior went on for some time in various different forms.

I'm not attracted to men, I find myself however constantly comparing myself to other men to see how I compare. It feels no matter what I do, I will never be macho/manly enough for my standards. And by no means am I a feminine guy at all, I just have zero confidence. I can never give myself credit for anything (all aspects of my life). I love a woman's body and touch, but as much as I know that, I continuously have this voice in my head questioning myself.

I find myself calling myself gay for things like:
-preferring man on woman porn versus woman on woman porn.
-for not being able to get and erection for my girlfriend again shortly after having sex (I know there is a refractory period, but it seems like a real man would be able to do it)
-not wanting to get get changed in front of people at the gym

Over the last 10 years I have picked up a horrific gambling problem, losing upto $17,000 in one night alone, resulting in me having to sell my brand new car to pay the debt. I feel this gambling has some relation to the depression I am experiencing. It feels like I want to lose to experience a more deeper pain to take my mind of the actual pain I feel.

I have great difficulty discussing about the topic of gays. The reason I am writing this is because of an incident from last night. We were at a club last night and my gf went to the bathroom, while she was gone a guy we knew sat in her seat next to me. One of our friends in a joking way says 'what has your taste changed in the last 5 minutes?(laughs)'. And I suddenly get really defensive and nervous and don't know how to respond. The crowd at the table noticeably see that i'm nervous, and instantly I get very depressed. Why do I feel this way? Why can't I just go out and have a good time and not worry about weather someone is gonna call me a 'fag' or imply i'm gay. I just can't take a joke it seems.

I need to get my life back, I hear people committing suicide and I can't not help think that that's ultimately the road I am currently traveling. I need expert advice to sort out these feelings I am having. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Hi TiredandUnhappy

Someone attempted to take advantage of you as a teen and understandably it has affected you; as teens when stuff like that happens it is hard to know what to do at the time or even what to think. As a teen, I got planted with an unexpected kiss from a much older woman that was disgusting, but I felt worst for not having stopped it.

You have a good sense of what your issues are and you state "I need expert advice to sort out these feelings I am having". I think you would respond well to therapy with a professional, this would be your best course of action to enable a thorough recovery, especially if you are feeling suicidal.

Welcome to the forum

I absolutely hate the word f*g and I hate how people throw it around. I hate how people label everything gay or f*g. They use it as a put down or a joke, and it's just not right.

Sorry to hear that you have to go through this. It sucks. But, if you are straight, that's okay and if you are gay that's okay too. Even if you are bisexual that's okay too. Try to change the way you think about sexual orientation.

It's not wrong to be either orientation. People are just giving you a hard time, a humor I personally hate, but it is what it is.

I am trying to think of something a lot better to say to help you, but that's all I can think of. Really, it's okay to be confused, it's okay to be straight, it's okay to be gay. You don't have to fit inside a certain bubble of what people think you should be. You don't have to know what you are or who you like. Try not to stress about it.