Are there people who won't leave you alone?

I'm a little afraid to type this because I don't want to sound ungrateful when that's exactly what I am.
But is it really so much to ask to be left alone? :x
Every once and a while my friends who I have nothing in common with anymore will call me up when they're in town and try to get me to do social stuff with them. Everything is going fine in my life, I'm happy with it, I'm content, and then they have to come around and try to "fix" me again. All they end up doing is sending me into a panic and forcing me to avoid them and then feel guilty.
I feel okay about myself until I see them again. They reconfirm that I'm a freak.
If I could have change one thing about myself, I want to want friendship. It would make my mother and therapist and friends happy if I could WANT to connect with people. I feel like a bad person and a disappointment for not caring, for avoiding... But as of now, I really really would rather avoid it altogether. My life is fine if everyone would just leave me alone.

Can anybody relate to this?

I can relate to this totally. When my social phobia reached its peak towards the end of school I found it hard to connect with the few friends that I had left. My friends were individuals, never as a part of a group as I could not and still can't deal with groups as easily as 1 on 1's.
As I felt the friendships crumble due to spending less time with them I didn't care but I think I mainly convinced myself I didn't care, to try and admit that SAD was not ruining my life.
At the moment I don't have any friends and 70% of the time I don't mind but then 30% of the time I do and get frustated.
In this world you need friends to make more of them. Building forts to protect yourself is dangerous.
Curiously how long have you been in therapy?
You may find that as you progress in therapy, your friends may prove valuable as you tackle the world again. :wink:

Good luck
Fidgey

There are some secluded forests in Canada where you could probably live out the rest of your days without ever seeing another living human. Ever consider that? I have. It's too cold for me though.

There are some secluded forests in Canada where you could probably live out the rest of your days without ever seeing another living human. Ever consider that? I have. It's too cold for me though.

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:lol: Yes! Who knows, if the stress of people was removed completely, maybe I could stop biting my nails and wouldn't need meds to keep me going. That would be great. I really don't think I could survive the Canadian winters though.

Fidgey said:

In this world you need friends to make more of them. Building forts to protect yourself is dangerous.
Curiously how long have you been in therapy?
:wink:

Good luck
Fidgey

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Thanks fidgey. I have recently stopped therapy because I was feeling very strong and good. The truth is, it may have been because no one had bothered me in months. So I'm just very frustrated to be feeling this way again.
Here's my question: is it possible for certain people to just be loners? Are there people who feel fine without friends or are they kidding themselves? I wonder if I am one of those people.
Don't get me wrong, there are people in this world I care very much about, my family for one. And I think there are many wonderous things about humanity. I'm extremely empathetic and can't watch the news without feeling depressed and I'm the kind of person who gives more money than she should to homeless bums because I feel bad for them. But I can't seem to help or ignore how relationships with peers turn me into a wreck. I don't see why I should keep trying when I get along just fine on my own. My life is better without such complications. you know what I mean?

thequietone,

Hmm I kinda felt like this about the time I was finishing school & starting uni. Friends from school got cars and started coming to myplace asking to do thing or go out. I mean it wasn't about trying to help me or anything... they wanted to hangout. I hated it.

You what over the years they they started leaving me alone. Partly because they knew that I wouldn't do anything with them & partly because they fell into new social circles at uni, work etc.

Now that I am a bit better in terms of SP, now I am wishing that I didn't ditch them. I feel like I should have struggled to hang out with them. Now I feel like I want to go out etc, find myself without anyone.

So if you ask me, you are going to get a view you probably don't like. I say, try at least to stay in contact with them. This of course don't apply if they are a negative influence on you and they make you bad about yourself.


mienaino:

I often thought about living like a hermit. Seriously! When I felt like I could not go to uni, I could not do any job. I though if I wasn't going to be burden on my parents I must leave home. In any case they can't look after me for ever. But the real world, the one of doing jobs, living in share houses, shopping etc was too scary. So I thought living in a small cabin in the woods... living off the land. I still at stressful times think about living a simple life.

thequietone said:

Here's my question: is it possible for certain people to just be loners? Are there people who feel fine without friends or are they kidding themselves?

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It's possible. Although if you're going to live in any society, it is quite necessary to have a social network. Your social network provides you with security and opportunities that simply cannot be matched by your lonesome. Studies have been conducted which indicate beyond any doubt a definite and central link between the social involvement of an individual and their employment status, salary, job security, socioeconomic mobility, social status, probability of depression, development of anxiety disorders, development of sleep disorders, and even probability of success in legal disputes. In short, you can be a loner, but it will screw you over.

Ah, you're probably right meinaino... :x ... After all, we are primates and primates are extremely social creatures... except for orangutans. They supposedly are loners and come together only to mate, the females look after their kids until they're grown and then they're alone again. But over all, we're supposed to depend on one another and live in groups and whatnot.
Besides, in movies and books where the character is a loner, they almost always discover by the end that they're on the "wrong path" and they meet someone who helps them reenter the world.
Whatever. I still wanna give it a shot!

Friends from school got cars and started coming to myplace asking to do thing or go out. I mean it wasn't about trying to help me or anything... they wanted to hangout. I hated it.

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For the most part, my friends aren't trying to help me either, I think they just want to hang out...I just can't imagine why. What are their motives? :? I don't mean to whine, but they have other friends and have no use for me anymore, so that's why I imagine they must pity me or feel guilty. I don't want that.
I guess what we have to do is accept the world for what it is. This may not be a perfect world, but it's all we've got. Like it or not, we have to learn to be a part of it if we want successful happy lives. :roll:

thequietone said:

I think they just want to hang out...I just can't imagine why. What are their motives? :? I don't mean to whine, but they have other friends and have no use for me anymore, so that's why I imagine they must pity me or feel guilty. I don't want that.

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Hmm maybe they feel guilty or want to turn you into one of them, however have you thought of the possibility that they may like your company?

-SS

thequietone said:

I'm a little afraid to type this because I don't want to sound ungrateful when that's exactly what I am.
But is it really so much to ask to be left alone? :x
Every once and a while my friends who I have nothing in common with anymore will call me up when they're in town and try to get me to do social stuff with them. Everything is going fine in my life, I'm happy with it, I'm content, and then they have to come around and try to "fix" me again. All they end up doing is sending me into a panic and forcing me to avoid them and then feel guilty.
I feel okay about myself until I see them again. They reconfirm that I'm a freak.
If I could have change one thing about myself, I want to want friendship. It would make my mother and therapist and friends happy if I could WANT to connect with people. I feel like a bad person and a disappointment for not caring, for avoiding... But as of now, I really really would rather avoid it altogether. My life is fine if everyone would just leave me alone.

Can anybody relate to this?

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I can sorta, kinda relate to you.

All my friends and family think I'm horribly depressed because I don't make eye contact with people, but I'm not really depressed at all. So every time they call me to go to the movies or something, it feels like I'm some sorta charity case.

I don't know if these feelings are true, or if theyr'e just me being a little insecure, but either way, I feel them sometimes.

My suggestion is when they ask to hang out with you, you respond "why? what are you guys doing?" in an investigative tone. If it seems like they're doing something they don't or wont usually do by themselves, then just fuck 'em! You don't need people to treat you like a mental patient.

mienaino said:

thequietone said:

Here's my question: is it possible for certain people to just be loners? Are there people who feel fine without friends or are they kidding themselves?

Click to expand...

It's possible. Although if you're going to live in any society, it is quite necessary to have a social network. Your social network provides you with security and opportunities that simply cannot be matched by your lonesome. Studies have been conducted which indicate beyond any doubt a definite and central link between the social involvement of an individual and their employment status, salary, job security, socioeconomic mobility, social status, probability of depression, development of anxiety disorders, development of sleep disorders, and even probability of success in legal disputes. In short, you can be a loner, but it will screw you over.

Click to expand...

I very much agree with you there mienaino. Although being a loner suits me to a cup of tea it is not the desired way to be in society. However having SA kind of pushes that lifestyle upon you, well me anyway and makes it hard to break the mould.

As for me, I fucking hate the stigma associated with being a "loner". I don't really consider myself a huge loner, but regardless of what I am, I still hate it.

First of all, why is it a preferred lifestyle for everyone to be around people, and a shameful one to not be? Solitude is socially illegal? Why?

Second of all, since society already puts people down for being a loner, why would people give people shit for it? It's inherent that the person feels like shit already for being a loner, so then, on top of all that, they get people who think they are better making fun of them and giving them a hard time in general. That's bullshit. Being alone, or being a loner, shouldn't at all be stigmatized in any way. It should be known an accepted that sometimes people get tired of each other, and they need some private space every once in a while.

I'm sure I had more to say, but I forgot.

My kids!

There always like, "feed me", "buy us clothes", "let us out of our cages". It's like enough already. :roll:

I think it is fine to be a loner if you are comfortable with it. It seems like you are pretty content with this decision. But that is up for you to decide obviously. But I just have some questions for you.. Are you a loner because you chose to be one OR are you a loner because circumstances have left you to become one? If you crave social interaction, but it just makes you nervous, I think maybe you should go out more and find something that you like to do. Maybe you don't like the things/places that your friends like to do? Maybe you have just grown apart? Maybe you need a different friend or friends?

In any case, I do believe that people can truly be loners and be happy with it. I started to read a book the other day in the bookstore that you might find of interest. It is called "Party of One: The Loners' Manifesto" From what I've read so far, it seems pretty good. I've only read a few pages, but decided to look up reviews online. It's not a book of how to cope or survive as a loner, but it is a book to inform others that loner is not necessarily a bad thing.

I just truly believe that some people have different thresholds for socialization. As long as you are comfortable with your life, don't be afraid or ashamed to be who you are. I know that I have a low threshold for socialization. I have my family, I have my BF, and I have some internet IM buddies, and I have a drinking "friend." I really don't crave that much social interaction. I consider myself a loner, but I am not completely alone.

I have had a friend in HS that would occasionally call me up to do something. We were best friends in elementary school, but definitely grew apart. She would call me when her other cool friends weren't around. I'd rather get rid of those poisonous friends and be a loner. Just realize, that they most likely care about you, but both of you are changing. If you stop hanging with them all together, and are unhappy then you know you probably do need a certain degree of social interaction. You probably don't need a much as some people, but you do need to go a step higher.