thequietone

I'm a little afraid to type this because I don't want to sound ungrateful when that's exactly what I am. :oops:
But is it really so much to ask to be left alone? :x
Every once and a while my friends who I have nothing in common with anymore will call me up when they're in town and try to get me to do social stuff with them. Everything is going fine in my life, I'm happy with it, I'm content, and then they have to come around and try to "fix" me again. All they end up doing is sending me into a panic and forcing me to avoid them and then feel guilty.
I feel okay about myself until I see them again. They reconfirm that I'm a freak.:(
If I could have change one thing about myself, I want to want friendship. It would make my mother and therapist and friends happy if I could WANT to connect with people. I feel like a bad person and a disappointment for not caring, for avoiding... But as of now, I really really would rather avoid it altogether. My life is fine if everyone would just leave me alone.

Can anybody relate to this?

Fidgey

I can relate to this totally. When my social phobia reached its peak towards the end of school I found it hard to connect with the few friends that I had left. My friends were individuals, never as a part of a group as I could not and still can't deal with groups as easily as 1 on 1's.
As I felt the friendships crumble due to spending less time with them I didn't care but I think I mainly convinced myself I didn't care, to try and admit that SAD was not ruining my life.
At the moment I don't have any friends and 70% of the time I don't mind but then 30% of the time I do and get frustated.
In this world you need friends to make more of them. Building forts to protect yourself is dangerous.
Curiously how long have you been in therapy?
You may find that as you progress in therapy, your friends may prove valuable as you tackle the world again. :wink:

Good luck
Fidgey

mienaino

There are some secluded forests in Canada where you could probably live out the rest of your days without ever seeing another living human. Ever consider that? I have. It's too cold for me though.

thequietone

Yes! Who knows, if the stress of people was removed completely, maybe I could stop biting my nails and wouldn't need meds to keep me going. That would be great. I really don't think I could survive the Canadian winters though.

Thanks fidgey. I have recently stopped therapy because I was feeling very strong and good. The truth is, it may have been because no one had bothered me in months. So I'm just very frustrated to be feeling this way again.
Here's my question: is it possible for certain people to just be loners? Are there people who feel fine without friends or are they kidding themselves? I wonder if I am one of those people.
Don't get me wrong, there are people in this world I care very much about, my family for one. And I think there are many wonderous things about humanity. I'm extremely empathetic and can't watch the news without feeling depressed and I'm the kind of person who gives more money than she should to homeless bums because I feel bad for them. But I can't seem to help or ignore how relationships with peers turn me into a wreck. I don't see why I should keep trying when I get along just fine on my own. My life is better without such complications. you know what I mean?

SilentStranger

thequietone,

Hmm I kinda felt like this about the time I was finishing school & starting uni. Friends from school got cars and started coming to myplace asking to do thing or go out. I mean it wasn't about trying to help me or anything... they wanted to hangout. I hated it.

You what over the years they they started leaving me alone. Partly because they knew that I wouldn't do anything with them & partly because they fell into new social circles at uni, work etc.

Now that I am a bit better in terms of SP, now I am wishing that I didn't ditch them. I feel like I should have struggled to hang out with them. Now I feel like I want to go out etc, find myself without anyone.

So if you ask me, you are going to get a view you probably don't like. I say, try at least to stay in contact with them. This of course don't apply if they are a negative influence on you and they make you bad about yourself.


mienaino:

I often thought about living like a hermit. Seriously! When I felt like I could not go to uni, I could not do any job. I though if I wasn't going to be burden on my parents I must leave home. In any case they can't look after me for ever. But the real world, the one of doing jobs, living in share houses, shopping etc was too scary. So I thought living in a small cabin in the woods... living off the land. I still at stressful times think about living a simple life.

mienaino

It's possible. Although if you're going to live in any society, it is quite necessary to have a social network. Your social network provides you with security and opportunities that simply cannot be matched by your lonesome. Studies have been conducted which indicate beyond any doubt a definite and central link between the social involvement of an individual and their employment status, salary, job security, socioeconomic mobility, social status, probability of depression, development of anxiety disorders, development of sleep disorders, and even probability of success in legal disputes. In short, you can be a loner, but it will screw you over.

thequietone

Ah, you're probably right meinaino... :x ... After all, we are primates and primates are extremely social creatures... except for orangutans. They supposedly are loners and come together only to mate, the females look after their kids until they're grown and then they're alone again. But over all, we're supposed to depend on one another and live in groups and whatnot.
Besides, in movies and books where the character is a loner, they almost always discover by the end that they're on the "wrong path" and they meet someone who helps them reenter the world.
Whatever. I still wanna give it a shot!
For the most part, my friends aren't trying to help me either, I think they just want to hang out...I just can't imagine why. What are their motives? :? I don't mean to whine, but they have other friends and have no use for me anymore, so that's why I imagine they must pity me or feel guilty. I don't want that.
I guess what we have to do is accept the world for what it is. This may not be a perfect world, but it's all we've got. Like it or not, we have to learn to be a part of it if we want successful happy lives. :roll:

SilentStranger

Hmm maybe they feel guilty or want to turn you into one of them, however have you thought of the possibility that they may like your company?

-SS

BornAgain

I can sorta, kinda relate to you.

All my friends and family think I'm horribly depressed because I don't make eye contact with people, but I'm not really depressed at all. So every time they call me to go to the movies or something, it feels like I'm some sorta charity case.

I don't know if these feelings are true, or if theyr'e just me being a little insecure, but either way, I feel them sometimes.

My suggestion is when they ask to hang out with you, you respond "why? what are you guys doing?" in an investigative tone. If it seems like they're doing something they don't or wont usually do by themselves, then just **** 'em! You don't need people to treat you like a mental patient.

Read my story, there's no other like it!

http://www.socialphobiaworld.com/postlite10338-.html

(p.s. - and I don't have SA, I'm just shy and very irritable at times.)

Fidgey

I very much agree with you there mienaino. Although being a loner suits me to a cup of tea it is not the desired way to be in society. However having SA kind of pushes that lifestyle upon you, well me anyway and makes it hard to break the mould.