Are your parents in denial?

My mom is responsible for many traumatic moments in my life... things that have made or strengthened my conditions/disorders, yet she considers herself angelically spotless and admits absolutely nothing. She even considers herself a victim and views me as the culprit (the fact that I'm the hospital only causes her to believe this even more). Today during a phone conversation, she even said, "I have done nothing to you." The pain and anger that I feel because of her refusal to acknowledge anything hits so deeply. I'm also disgusted because of how she just selectively chooses to remember only positive components about herself. I only still talk to her because I have to rely on her, not because of love, so at least I won't have to feel grief when I finally walk away from her once and for all. Can you relate? Not necessarily just with your parents, but anyone. I'm just done with trying to remind/convince her because it doesn't do me any good and she'll never understand.

I feel your pain totally.

Teachers informed my parents I was "odd". Nothing was done.

Nothing was ever good enough for my mother. I seriously think she can find a reason to complain about anything. And somehow everything is always someone elses fault.

I just totally shut her off. I have my issues that I will overcome. She can keep hers to herself.

I have mixed feelings about my dad. On one hand I respect him for putting up with her for over 50 years, on the other hand I feel sorry for him because he deserves to be treated better.

I'm sorry to hear you have that problem with your mother...

My family is like that. They messed me up in every posible way, but they rarely admit it. If I have problems, they blame everything on me. To them, if you have problems, it's not because you were treated like less than dirt for nearly 2 decades, it's because you are weak, you are crazy, you are too sensitive, you complain too much, etc. I've been told that I should stop whining and be THANKFUL for having this family, because not all families are as good as this one. They just fail to understand (or don't want to understand) that the way they behave is pathetic. It's easier for them to label me as the bad sheep instead.

My mother seems she's trying to understand though. She's not as abusive as she used to be when i was little. She is still a brick wall when I talk to her sometimes, we get into arguements a lot, but things are not as bad as before.

i think the problem i had was my folks had dysfunctional family upbringings that i won't go into here and are really old-fashioned, so they have these controlling tendencies and are very serious people, they don't really inject much humour into anything unless they are at a party in which case they can switch on the chirpy/funny button, but most of the time its always negative and serious with them which is a real problem especially if you are being brought up and or mentored by such personalities. both would never admit to weakness at all even thoug perhaps there are obvious issues going on even at an old age. where as i have admitted issues i have had and been open minded, i feel perhaps my parents are playing the game of being in denial so that they never have to face any kind of criticism with anyone except themselves. and yet they will hypoctricially advise others close to them to admit things they would never admit about themselves.

Thanks to everyone for sharing, it really helped

Hi illumination, sorry to hear your going through this all.
It makes me angry when you mentioned your mum because that hurts. im going through the same with my parents right now so i know how it feels hun. I dont know who they are and ofcourse they think they are perfect. I'll be the first to admit i have faults but yeah they wont.
What you said about only speaking to her because you have to and not out of love i feel the same. i'm slowly more and more each day disliking my family but i cant stand on my own two feet so i NEED them.

Yeah i know what you are talking about its not our fault for having Social anxienty/phobia its because of our parents maybe:/

xxaimsxx said:

Hi illumination, sorry to hear your going through this all.
It makes me angry when you mentioned your mum because that hurts. im going through the same with my parents right now so i know how it feels hun. I dont know who they are and ofcourse they think they are perfect. I'll be the first to admit i have faults but yeah they wont.
What you said about only speaking to her because you have to and not out of love i feel the same. i'm slowly more and more each day disliking my family but i cant stand on my own two feet so i NEED them.

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Exactly ! I can't leave the house, I HAVE to stay with them.

Zeffolia said:

They deny even the existence of my problems... Let alone the fact that it's their fault

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Same here. When I first had the SA thing, they didn't quite understand what was going on, and then, I seeked treatment with both a psychiatrist and psychologist and my mom hid it from my dad. I was in therapy for half a year and my dad knew nothing about it. If he did, he would probably take me for healing from the gods because I was possessed or some such thing. Till today, my family, immediate and otherwise, still think I didn't want to go to school because I didn't, and not because of the genuine problem that I have. Years on, they have sort of forgotten the problem but the problem is still and very well alive.

Trying to be perfect only to be compared to your sibling. Nothing you ever say or do is ever good enough. Being sheltered from the world to the point where they have you believe you can't do anything on your own, lovely and 'helpful' suggestions from my father of careers that would be more suitable to me because he doesn't believe I have what it takes to study science. Don't believe in you at all. Then it's all my fault because 'You're an adult, you're 22 years old (when it's convenient to them). Yeah, denial sounds about right.

At odds with mine atm....

Basically mom complained about a deal I made with my dad to anyone and everyone that would listen, and probably a few that didn't want to. Please understand, my mother is never happy.

Anyway, she complained to everyone, and everyone ganged up on dad to make him change his mind. Of course I get angry because people put their nose where it didn't belong. BTW...the deal involved no money or property, my car broke down and I wanted to park it there a few days while I got sorted mainly because the car was close to where they live plus I live in an apartment...anyone that has ever worked on a car in a cramped apartment parking lot knows what I'm getting at!!!

So my mother had been attempting to call me, I don't answer, but she leaves messages:

* "Sorry about the misunderstanding"......what misunderstanding? I was clear. I was not told things weren't clear so that I could clear them up. It wasn't a misunderstanding as much as her jumping to conclusions based off ignorance and just plain having another reason to complain.

* "I was hoping you felt better by now"...what? It's my fault she's a nosy nag? There is no need for me to feel better. I felt fine. I would have been fine if dad said no in the first place. Where I got angry was the meddling and talking behind my back.

* "I thought we were closer than that"...I thought we were closer than her calling everyone and bad mouthing me.


I've yet to hear where she accepts doing anything wrong. It was a deal between 2 grown mean that cost her nothing. But Because she had to be a cow she now caused a rift in the family.

So not only is she in denial about me, but herself as well.

Since my mom annoyingly only focuses on the positives or what is irrelevant (considering any grievence of mine as just "negativity" that shouldn’t be heard), she’s constantly trying to initiate conversations about topics that have nothing to do with anything constructive, nothing to do with anything that I feel inside of me. “Really? They’re getting married?” Big f*cking deal.
“That actor has a new movie coming out?” Ah, thanks, that’s what I really needed to hear.
"Really? There was a car accident on your way home from work but the people were okay?" Newsworthy!
"The five year old neighbor said what today? It was funny?" Something's really something, mom.

I'm just not heard within this family and my pain isn't noticed unless it has to do with things that are unrelated to her. It's killing me.

my mom denies her involvement in the emotional abuse.
she also denies the extent to which it has debilitated me socially.

i am basically socially retarded to the point i cannot maintain a traditional job. but she cannot see this because she only sees me in places of minimal socialization, such as placing an order in a restaurant. i am capable of placing an order in a restaurant. i am incapable of maintaining a consistent confident, assertive demeanor in the workplace which is required to hold a job.

i don't want to focus on being some victim, whatever happened happened. maybe they raised me the best they could at the time, fine. i really don't want to dwell on that. but the fact is i am dealing with the repercussions, i am left socially inept. it is my personality, it is who i am. i just want to be able to achieve independence in a way that utilizes my strengths while being accepted despite my social ineptitude. maybe that means having a non-traditional occupation. this is what i need to be accepted and embraced.

Last night, my mom admitted that she doesn't know what she's doing as a mother. Now if only my father would echo the same thing, but sadly, I don't know where he is.