Avoiding One On One Social Situations

I've noticed my anxiety increases a lot when I'm invited to do something with just one other person. Last week a co-worker asked if I had lunch plans. I said I didn't and thought he was going to invite me out with a group. Turned out it was just going to be me and him. After agreeing, I saw another of our co-workers and asked if he would like to join us. To my relief, he agreed to accompany us.

I'm guessing with just me and another person, I feel more pressure to keep the conversation going and come up with interesting things to say. When there's more than one person, I can deflect the conversation to them. I won't go out with just one person, I will come up with all kinds of excuses not to go.

Anybody else do this?

I'm more comfortable with one on one situations. I'm the opposite. Start adding more people and that's when I start to get nervous.

I've actually been thinking a lot about this recently. I'm kind of the opposite but I'm also kind of similar.

On the one hand, yeah, in a group I like being able to just chill. There's less pressure on me to keep things interesting. Being quiet in a group is way less bizarre than freezing up when you're the only person that the other person can talk to.

On the flip side, I'm actually a lot more skilled in one on one situations. Let's compare my one on one's to my group things.

I spent this last Monday mostly in the company of my new manager. A lot of one on one time. I was amazed at how comfortable I was. I'd ask him a question. During his response I would notice at least one interesting thing he said, often more. When he was done with a response I could now talk about whatever interesting things he said during his first response. If I could note two interesting things he said during a response, I had two new things to talk about. It branched. It was surprisingly good. He payed attention to me in a very respectful way.

Now back to group-ness. The next day I attended the training course that I'll be taking every day for a number of weeks. Several times we split into groups of three-ish. The two other dudes in my group had been working with the company for a while already and were a bit older and more knowledgeable than I am. So whenever we were discussing a problem we had been assigned, these two talked and looked at each other WAY more than they did me. I doubt they realized that they were doing this, but I suspect that they naturally payed more attention to each other than to me because they recognized that they were better at this than the Junior who was fresh out of college. SERIOUS inferiority complex inducing stuff right here.

This wasn't the first time. I had interned with the company before and had similar experiences. Me and another intern had the same manager. As she showed us the lay of the land, she payed WAY more attention to him than to me. Maybe it was because he was better looking. Maybe his face was more "open." Maybe his social skills were better. Regardless of the reason, whenever she was talking to BOTH of us she maintained eye contact with him a lot more. This is despite the fact that I made good eye contact with her and nodded and all that good stuff to show that I was engaged.

I'm prone to paranoia so I initially was cautious. I figured, "Hey, I might be imagining things." Over time, however, I've more and more felt that in group situations something about me is off-putting and I really tend to get less attention.

All right. Thread hijack over (Feeling selfish for writing so much about me, sorry). All that is to say that the problem I have with group social situations is that I don't know how to contribute and not be ignored or talked over. In one on one situations this problem is non-existent. So, for example, I'm fairly confident that if there had been no other intern under my manager at the time my time with her would have been SO much better. It would have been much more like my time with my new manager. See, with the new manager, I was the only person that he needed to talk to so he couldn't have ignored me even if he wanted to.

So yeah, pros and cons. One the positive side, one on ones are WAY easier for me because the other person can't ignore me easily. On the down side, I too love that in a group situation there's less pressure on me to run things.

I feel the same way. I get more nervous in one on one situations because I feel there's more pressure as the other person is focused in only me.

Yeah I most definitely would prefer a group situation over one on one. The only time I wouldnt want a group is if its one of those situations where each person has to take turns saying something in front of the group. But other than that its much easier for me to be the "quiet person" and keep the attention away from my nervousness. It also needs to be a rather large group. More than 4 people. And I prefer to not have to sit at a table facing someone lol.

Depends:
- if I'm invited and I'm good friends with one person, prefer one on one
- if I'm invited by acquaintances, prefer small group (3-4 people)
- if I have to approach, one on one. Was never able to start a conversation with a group of people

slimjim119 said:

I'm more comfortable with one on one situations. I'm the opposite. Start adding more people and that's when I start to get nervous.

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Yep, same here..I'm pretty good one on one but you add 3-4 people and ignore gets tiring fast..sensory overload..

It probably depends on the situation, usually I'd say I do better one on one, except where you're sitting with someone you have nothing in common with so you're both sitting there with long awkward silences, then I want a group to take the pressure off me.

I hate groups. Even small ones.

Much prefer one on one.

theoutsider said:

I've noticed my anxiety increases a lot when I'm invited to do something with just one other person. Last week a co-worker asked if I had lunch plans. I said I didn't and thought he was going to invite me out with a group. Turned out it was just going to be me and him. After agreeing, I saw another of our co-workers and asked if he would like to join us. To my relief, he agreed to accompany us.

I'm guessing with just me and another person, I feel more pressure to keep the conversation going and come up with interesting things to say. When there's more than one person, I can deflect the conversation to them. I won't go out with just one person, I will come up with all kinds of excuses not to go.

Anybody else do this?

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I think it depends:

1) If I'm good friends with the other person, I'd definitely hang out alone
2) If I'm getting to know the person, I'm ok with being one-on-one
2) If I think the person is creepy, I'd grab another person
3) If I'm interested in the person then I'd definitely prefer to be alone with them