behaving differently around different people/groups

I find that I often "adapt" my personality to certain people. It's like with each individual (co-workers, friends, family) I develop a certain image or personality that "fits" with that person. I wouldn't behave a certain way or talk a certain way to one person as I do with another. Sometimes even accent.

For example, at work there's a few guys I'm kind of a loudmouth with, and make jokes with. Then there's a few girls, who I behave "sweet" around. I usually feel a bit awkward when groups of people whom I've all adapted to come together, and I don't know how to behave. It's like I'm so used to putting up different fronts, that I'm kind of losing touch with my "self". I feel kind of ashamed of being that loudmouth in front of those girls, so I refrain.

I feel like most people do this to some degree, being diplomatic and self-concious of image, but I feel maybe I am doing this to an unhealthy level. I feel a lot of other people are more secure just being themselves than me and don't try to desperately please everyone. I guess it's good I can blend in with a lot of different people, but I also shouldn't lose touch with who I really am. I also feel like I don't really have a fully formed personality, atleast not one that I'm comfortable with so that may be why I'm "acting" a lot. It takes up a lot of energy, because i keep thinking things through. Anyone else who can relate to this?

Zod said:

I find that I often "adapt" my personality to certain people. It's like with each individual (co-workers, friends, family) I develop a certain image or personality that "fits" with that person.

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I typically 'mirror' others, or I'll act like a thoughtful listener to their problems and concerns...

Naturally, I don't give a toss about their issues. It's just a way for me to cope with the situation and make myself blend into the surroundings.

But you are correct about how fake it feels, and how much energy it takes to keep all of your facades up... yet ask yourself, were you to show them the *real* you, would they not find you completely different, and make you the centre of attention because of it? Would you want that? And would you want to have to explain why you acted as you did?

I guess it´s quite "normal" to behave in different ways according to who we are with. People can bring up certain sides of us. But if you feel like you´re doing it to an unhealthy level, I see the problem.
My behaviour changes automatically, depending on wether I´m around people I can feel comfortable with or not.
When I´m around people that I don´t feel comfortable with or can´t relate to, I have a hard time being myself, or I will even "forget" what my true behaviour is, I go blank, quiet and nervous. That feels horrible, so I try to not stay too long in those situations. Sometimes I choose not to be myself because I think people wouldn´t understand me or my sense of humour, or that they would get provoked by my opinions, so I just don´t do anything I just become quiet.

You're like a "social chameleon", someone whom I aspired to be (or used to).

DepravedFurball said:

But you are correct about how fake it feels, and how much energy it takes to keep all of your facades up... yet ask yourself, were you to show them the *real* you, would they not find you completely different, and make you the centre of attention because of it? Would you want that? And would you want to have to explain why you acted as you did?

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Good questions. I've been singled out for being the odd one, for not fitting in. While drawing attention to myself felt uncomfortable, there were times when it was worth it, such as when I stood up for myself and others.

When I act, it feels so fake like I'm betraying/lying to myself, but I don't have to think of it this way. Perhaps being a social chameleon is a survival mechanism. It's like acting in different situations. Actors, actresses, spies make a living out of it, but businessmen and diplomats also use it to some extent. It's a good skill to have, but it's also important to be true to yourself. This is why people have a small "inner circle" of friends and family whom they show their real selves to. You can act while still maintaining your sense of self.

jaim38 said:

This is why people have a small "inner circle" of friends and family whom they show their real selves to. You can act while still maintaining your sense of self.

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Fair point. Co-workers aren't really your friends. Nor are strangers out on the street. For the most part, we all just try and get along, to be socially-acceptable, and to not cause conflict. They'll never know the 'real' you, unless you actually want them to become part of your inner-circle...

:thinking:

So, with that way of thinking, perhaps it is somewhat normal to mimic, mirror, or act a certain way while out amongst the rabble. I mean, who doesn't want to be seen in the best possible light by their peers? Friends are inherently different, since they've presumably seen you in a different light and under difficult circumstances, yet have stuck by your side and shown you loyalty, compassion, or care, so there's no real need to act out a persona around them...

I do the same. I'm a nice person and my conversation/opinions are genuine but I sometimes feel like a fake because I act differently around different groups. I admire people who are the same no matter what the situation or who they are around. It's one of the personal improvement goals that I have for myself.

Nanita said:

When I´m around people that I don´t feel comfortable with or can´t relate to, I have a hard time being myself, or I will even "forget" what my true behaviour is, I go blank, quiet and nervous. That feels horrible, so I try to not stay too long in those situations. Sometimes I choose not to be myself because I think people wouldn´t understand me or my sense of humour, or that they would get provoked by my opinions, so I just don´t do anything I just become quiet.

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I'm the same way.