bf thinks im not pretty : (

Last night, we were having this deep chat about things. He has very strong feelings for me and really likes me. But the moment when he mentioned that he had been with 'pretty' girls before and also 'really pretty' girls and that they were nothing..

guess what somebody like me with BDD thinks and feels when that is said to me..

:crying:

I mention that he thinks Im ugly. He said no. But that I am like a tomboy, wearing my hair up all the time and dressing so plain and stuff. He thinks I dont make an effort.

And I hate this. Because I make an effort every single day. That I do these big online shops all the time with fashionable clothes. That I have so many clothes that are all in the lookbook atm. Casual tho.

I dress like all the other girls to me. And I thought I looked cool and even pretty sometimes. But now,

I mean, he even mentioned his sister. That she makes an effort. To me, she just looks ordinary- I thought I dressed way cooler than her. I mean Im not that type of person that likes a heap of jewellery and look a bit tacky.

I like to look pretty, to strip everything down, and to put on a little bit of lip colour and maybe mascara.

This really really is hurting me. As someone who has had severe depression lately this year and severe bdoy dysmorphia..

How the hell am I suppose to process this now? That I am with someone that thinks I look less than- that I am not pretty.. that thinks other women in his past were pretty- more valued in looks than me..

when I thought I was pretty - And recently I had decided to think of myself as pretty but having bdd- and that I was what I thought I was and that would help me with self care for myself.

But now I have this whole other level because I am now in a partnership. The one thing that I wanted in a partner was for a guy to fall in love with me- but also fall in love with how I look- to think and tell me I am pretty and beautiful. I dont think I am ugly, I used to get told I wad pretty all the time.
Now Im not at all?

Yes he has schizophrenia and has told me about how his past is all tied in with this very pretty woman that destroyed him back in 2003.

I know its superficial, but its important to me because of the abusive past I have had when all those nice things were taken away from me.

So I just feel so ashamed of myself again. I hate this feeling of not even wanting to face my bf and other people now. I dont want anyone to see me. Its just like the same old thing again- to get beaten down- to be told bad things-

But to have this conflicting stuff- to like someone - yet they are not the security blanket you would like- I mean its not lifting me up - its making me want to hide away in shame all over again.

What should I do?

I want to look and feel pretty. I dont want to be around someone that thinks Im not- because I will believe it. Yet he has changed so much about himself and has very sincere feelings for me. Has been very nice to me on all levels. But I hate how men can be honest and hurt.

I dont know how to deal with this. I just feel right now - so hurt from it. :sad:


I just feel like running away from this person and everyone else because they have once again made me feel less than. I cant take it.
I also feel like delving in the ocd aspect of my bdd and getting revenge- gettting angry and saying 'Ill show you..' and over grooming myself.

Thing is I mean, he thinks he is very attractive I think. But I felt a bit sick when I saw his hair brush and toothbrush and stuff and they were very grubby. And he is overweight and smokes and stuff. But yet I like him.

But its like this narrow view of beauty he has I dont know. I mean I think about how everyone I know thinks the same that I am not pretty or attractive.

I just dont want to be just a sexy body or what ever. I want him to love my face and think I am pretty and beautiful. And it is severely hurting me to know thats not the case.

I mean how am I suppose to face the mirror now? How am I suppose to self care and keep pushing myself through my insecurities like I had been doing? To have my own version of pretty- when I know that others will not see that?

I'm going to assume that you're looking for advice; also this time I can't stay quiet. If this person feels as though they are able to say when a person is "trying or not" when it comes to looks, he may have an unrealistic standard of beauty and a sense of entitlement.

Your boyfriend could also potentially be manipulating/emotionally abusing you, but because I know little about the situation, I can't really make that call. I would say that the feelings that this conversation has caused seem far from positive.

I'm not telling you to leave him, because that isn't my call, nor am I going to presume that I can pass that type of judgement on another person's choices. I would urge you to think about the viability of the relationship that you have entered and if you truly want to stay with this person if they make you feel this way.

Well I mean, what about him DO you like? And is it worth the potential trouble it could cause you? You've been through this song and dance with past bfs and it left you with scars.

Seems to me like he's kind of a loser himself. What dumb**** would stay in a relationship with someone he's not attracted to? Probably cant get many others, only 2 week "relationships" with basic bitches. I'd tell him to eat shit and go **** his dad.

Your partner should be there to support you. And you him.

If you're not getting positive things out of the relationship it's probably toxic. And that's never a good thing.

Are you staying in this relationship because it's familiar and you feel it's better than being alone? (I'm not sure I'm just asking)
I went through these thoughts when I decided to leave my ex when she became an alcoholic. I realized the relationship was toxic and I was actually better off being single.

Step back, take a good look at things.

Its funny that I am in this relationship because I genuinely care about this guy on a deep level. At the moment, feelings for him as a girlfriend have gone the minute he mentioned the pretty 'stuff'. But yet, there is some pretty deep closeness there. That I can be my complete self with him and we are kind of the same.

I could seriously hurt him at this moment in his life. I do have feelings and I really do like him. I like his company and his genuine kindness, not just to me - but everyone he knows.

I know I need t confront him on this issue, because it broke me. But its hard when you feel so broken, so I am picking a good time when I am better grounded and after some good space apart and some self love.

I am happy that I am not 'needing' him, but I feel it may be the case with him perhaps idk. I dont know how I am going to let hi know all this- its better in writing for me, Im not talking about breaking up- Im talking about asserting my boundaries with him and letting him know that he severely hurt my self esteem, but its still really hard to mention that based on the extreme sensitivity of my bdd regarding my face - because part of that discussion would envolved an evaluation of my face.

In his mind, he is a very very loyal, sincere, solid companion (he is) , seeing being with me for years perhaps. Taking things seriously. He thinks that because we are in our early 30s, that he needs to have a fresh start. He likes me for who I am, had women rip him to bits and is attracted to my kindness and intellect from what he has said. Said at the end of the day a guy just wants a man to mother him. So at this point I think I need to re-evaluate what I want and what I get from this. In my mind, its been something for me as a learning step- what its like to be with someone- (this sounds terrible) but like a practice to what I could have in the future with someone else perhaps.

I just seriously dont want to play this game anymore, Im so tired of all this beauty stuff that men project on women. I dont want to have to feel less than and all that. I just want some guy to see my beauty, my natural beauty and love that- and tell me.


I mean, just what would you do?

grapevine said:

Im so tired of all this beauty stuff that men project on women.

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Yea it sucks, but it goes both ways. Guys feel pressure about their looks too.

The important thing is that he likes you. But I think every boyfriend should say to their girlfriend that he thinks their pretty, why would he not say that.

For me, if you have feelings for someone, you think they're beautiful.

Would definitely keep my guard up with this one, but he could just have foot in mouth syndrome, plus we're very good at assuming things are offensive. You should ask him to explain himself to stop your mind doing it for him, if it gets very upsetting to think over (i know my mind won't stfu unless I confront things like this)

I so appreciate everyones replies. I love this forum, its my comfort in rocky places.

God, well there are alot of good things about him, but at this point with my BDD- its very hard. So he had given me a huge stash load of jewellery as a present. Jewellery he had gotten over years and had in his room. Told me he would post all this jewellery in his hands like it was treasure - on facebook and then post photos of women as though he was luring them in. Kind of just a lonely guy's thing, with a it of odd behaviour as he has a bit of scattered brain.

But its like, he wants me to not be me in a way- alot of this jewellery is not me- there is so much of it. I was like, well I should go Boho.. I was thinking of trying that fashion anyway. And he is like yes. Its like I feel ashamed of myself for how I look. Just because he told me that the way I dress is wrong - like I just dont understand- its like he quietly mentioned that his friends would wonder why he is with a tomboy. I mean, I just get so confused.

The other thing is that he is down on his luck. He has been out of work since May and also been lonely without women for a long time. His last gf was in 2003 to this model looking girl- and he has been with perfect looking women before like he had said.

When he first asked me out weeks ago, he had told me that he liked my body and that I could be a *****y chick if I did put some effort in. I mean, geez ---- thanks for making me feel even worse about myself than I do already. I never thought I was ugly until I started so******ing with people that are in my life right now.

So it is so hard. Thing is that like I said he is out of money and Im shouting him out to lots of things like the movies, meals and so forth- but I know that he is not the type to scrounge off of me- and that he would do the same for me- its just uncomfortable and makes me feel like I am only there with him because I give him sex, I take him out of his garage and into a different positive world where its unconditional and fun etc..

I dont know if he actually truely likes me. I have thought he does, but then I feel like that in this situation its clouded. We have spent a little too much time together this last week and I think I have let him step on my boundaries which I have a problem with. ITs like I just allow people to take from me- I become a people pleaser.

I dont want to be in a relationship for all the wrong reasons. I dont want to feel ashamed of myself and second guess whats on this guys mind - what he may think of me-
I want to know where he is at with me. Im so confused and my feelings for him at the moment are hidden under all this. It is hard to bring things up with a guy, when your in a relationship because they can be so blunt and just say what they think without any filters. And you know that you have to put on your big girl detatchment shoes and hold onto your own self worth away from him, just to ask these questions.

I mean, I am giving him stuff in his life that he wants- that I am happy to do .. but it feels like I am in this relationship for those things perhaps and not for how he likes me maybe. Its hard to know because of my own personal demons filter.

He says he likes who I am and has strong feelings. But I want a guy that can fall in love with my imperfections- my face too.. how I look and dress... not just who I am. I mean I get hat he was hurt quite badly from women in his past and that because I am a 'nice' and 'kind' person and has had feelings for me and he decided he wants a relationship that perhaps I just happened to be there.. idk.. that he wants to settle down and do things people do in their 30s now..

and its like - yeah okay I get that.. but I dont want to be a less than choice or what ever- I dont want to feel like I am with a guy that likes just my body and not my face and who just likes my kindness and happiness- and motherly gestures.. that he thinks that the time for dating beautiful women is over and that he has to be with someone like me...

I mean that is how I feel I guess. That I am just not good enough, but good enough..? Its not fair on me- I dont know how he feels exactly - but I am wating for a time maybe today or tomorrow to voice this to him.

Because I dont want to go around with someone that doesnt think much of me in the looks department- I mean would you want to? I always wanted a guy to look at me in the face like guys did when I was in highschool- to fall in love with me, how I look, everything- not want to change me. So it hurts.

I really like this guy, I like having him around but I am treading very carefully. I mean with my bdd, its quite hard- that even if I see someone I like in the mirror - that I might have a good day and think I actually look pretty and then guess what - I know he is not even going to see that you know. Well I cant say that but..

He doesnt like me wearing my hair back - I mean I think I can look cute like that but he doesnt see it.

I dont know, I guess I need my distance - but it was very painful the last few days be around someone knowing that they want to change how you look- that once again I am with a person who cannot accept and love or see my beauty.

I just dont get it. I mean I feel like in my common sense that I am not ugly as such and that I can look quite pretty at times - esp when my bdd is low. But in those times its just that nobody sees that.

So I dont know what to do. I am just going to work on myself again, do my self love and push myself to be more feminine which is what I have been trying to do. And if he gets me down again, or makes me feel bad - I will believe me - I will let him know. Because I am not going to be a people pleaser. I think this week I have just been lost in where Im at and let him walk all over me- not like he is a bad person- just a male you know.

I guess I am looking for some advice at this point. Its early days and I cant say what he is feeling and thinking. I just want to have someone in my life who will completely appreciate me- see me in a golden light - in a romantic light - get me .. you know.. and I dont know if he does or does not. I mean - he is just a guy.. and I say that because from what I know is that they kind of dont think about things this deeply maybe? Just think about their needs and thats it.. idk.

I have needs and wants and things that hurt... I need to state my boundaries- I need to work all this out I guess.

Does he tree you good at least or does he take you for granted. Your probably a pretty girl yet have bdd but it sounds like you really make effort where he doesnt make an effort so that is a shame because you deserve it. Try to think it over at least and see where you stand and if you want to talk Im here. I I may even have a some bdd

First off, I wanted to say you don't need or have to change for anyone. Not even the guy you're with. He knew what kind of person you were from the start of both of your relationship. You simply just don't like doing what most girls like to do (shopping, wearing girly clothes, make up, ect) and there's nothing wrong with that. He should've been able to accept that by now. To be honest, I find it hypocritical of him to blantantly call you out on your appearance, yet like you said, he's the one who's overweight, who smokes, and can't clean up after himself. If anybody, he should put more of an effort for you in this relationship, not just yourself. He seems to be those double standard type people (And these kinds of people tend to annoy me a lot) It's pretty unfair you have to go through so much trouble making yourself look good for him and yet that still doesn't satisfy him. He will always expect more, alway wanting more from you. I think you should talk to him about the way he's treating you. Though if I were you in your position, I'd kick this guy to the curb.

Thankyou guys for helping me with this. I was walking around with my partner thinking the most horrid things you know. I mean, first off with BDD, geez - it really hit me for 6... for my boyfriend to mention pretty women to me and not tell me I am, and then to tell me that I need to do stuff in my appearance to look better, to take pride etc..

and yes- its like double standards. But last night I had an in-depth chat with him. He isnt a bad person- just like most men foot and mouth type thing. See, he gave me all this jewellery - heaps of it.. and wants me to wear it- I wore a necklace yesterday and a nice woollen jumper and he said I looked nice, so I dont know.. its hard for me to see what he sees..

I know I shouldnt have to worry about any of that. Last night I plucked up the courage to talk to him about these things. I wanted to know where he is with me too. Im not sure how he is still with me, but he is very sincere in loyalty to me and really likes me and sees a future together, I told him that I dont want to be with someone just because I happen to be there kinda thing- like he wants to have children within 2 years and all of that stuff and wants to do it with me. Said he builds on relationships etc. He thinks that I am his match.

Last night he did call me pretty though. Something for so long I had wanted to hear. He reckons that we are equal in looks (which to me I think he can be very grandoise about his so maybe that is a good thing?lol) , but he also says that he wants me to wear jewellery and wear my hair down and stuff.. said he is a very visual person etc..

So- Im like- telling him that you know I have BDD, that perhaps what I see is different to what others see. He wants me to be more girly, come out of my shell. And I told him I have been doing that and still am getting there. So it still kind of hurts, Im not going to be those blonde women he had been with in his early 20s. I am my own beauty. It just really skewed me to see myself as pretty sometimes in the mirror and had made an effort (granted with no make up and just plain) and yet I thought he couldnt see that? But he said I could be really pretty if I put the effort in.

So part of me really wants to, and part of me really wants to do things for myself and not for him. I am beautiful as I am. I mean I couldnt even look at his face much- had trouble kissing him because I thought that he thought I was ugly.

But now I am thinking, 'I'll show you..' kinda thing. But the thing is I just have trouble in trusting my own reflection when I do try things- because of bdd- that I will avoid all of that so that I wont embarress myself.

I feel like I just want to completely do myself up and show him just to say hey.. this is me.. kinda thing. But I guess a big part of me as a romantic has always been to be plain and strip myself of all of the glam- to say this is me and I am beautiful without all that stuff- that it makes it easier for a guy to see me as I am idk.. I mean there are women out there that wear so much makeup that when they wake up in the morning the guy doesnt recognise them.. I dont want to be that. I just want him to see me as beautiful.

He is not a bad person at all. He does look after his appearance, but he cant see past the fact that he needs a new hairbrush or toothbrush and things like that. He has been very honest and upfront with me and I like the fact that he is like a rock with me, that what ever I do or say - and just being myself - that its not conditional.

I just want to look so good- get my confidence back and show him my boundaries and my value in that department I guess. I dont know..

I guess also, because from his prior comments that really hurt me and I kept it in this week, that when I was out with him and he knows everyone everywhere and always has to say hello to people.. and then says this is my partner/gf... I hd felt like I couldnt step up to the plate. I seriously felt like I was being judged badly for being with him- like I wasnt worthy. But Im glad I guess that I had a chat with him. I didnt mention that, but I should have. I just do not want to have any fear of being hurt just for voicing my feelings- because I know that leads to a toxic relationship- and abusive one like I was in the past- and I guess I am proud of myself for being able to voice stuff to him and not feel threatened.

Now Im just still really confused again about this. : (

I dunno, you said he's into heavy metal right? Maybe he's into that whole rocker chick, badgirl look or something.

i think he just wants me to not look so much like a farm girl maybe idk.. his sister is into glam and wears makeup but pulls her hair back.. the both of them wear black all the time tho ha.

Im having a break from him anyway for the next few days. I will voice my concerns and stuff about this to hi again, and Im thinking also to compromise with things that I would like to see change with him- lets see how he would like that.

But its just the cycle in my mind of him telling me that he is a visual guy .. I mean that I should make an effort..

god it just makes me feel so spun out with my bdd- that what I am doing in the mirror turns out as no effort..

but I have issues because of bdd to avoid alot of this stuff.. anyway Im just gonna do what I like - and voice my concerns when Im in touch with him next - because its not fair- why cant he see that tho?

grapevine said:

i think he just wants me to not look so much like a farm girl maybe idk.. his sister is into glam and wears makeup but pulls her hair back.. the both of them wear black all the time tho ha.

Im having a break from him anyway for the next few days. I will voice my concerns and stuff about this to hi again, and Im thinking also to compromise with things that I would like to see change with him- lets see how he would like that.

But its just the cycle in my mind of him telling me that he is a visual guy .. I mean that I should make an effort..

god it just makes me feel so spun out with my bdd- that what I am doing in the mirror turns out as no effort..

but I have issues because of bdd to avoid alot of this stuff.. anyway Im just gonna do what I like - and voice my concerns when Im in touch with him next - because its not fair- why cant he see that tho?

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As far as I know most men are visual. Its why the adult film industry makes more money than the NBA and NFL combined lol. Or why some women dress the way they do and why Muslim women cover themselves up. But like Friendlyshadow said he knew what he was getting into from the start, so I dunno why he's trying to change you up unless he thinks hes trying to cure you of BDD in some assbackwards way.

Well it just really bugs me - I want him to see me beautiful as I am. Maybe he does- I wouldnt know - cant read him. But I sent a letter to him today haha. Im stating my boundaries by doing that- telling it straight. What ever the case, I valued my own feelings in this and overcame any fear to voice them- so I am proud of that.

But it will be spring soon, and I have been reading on yahoo answers how so many men ask the same things of their girlfriends. So I am going to try and get girly- but not for him, for me -its something I have wanted to do anyway - be more feminine - and something that I feel I have more confidence to do I guess.

It will be spring in 3 months where I live. In that time I will look at some casual pretty dresses and learn some hairstyles and a little bit of makeup whilst also doing all the things that I have been planning on doing - working out and juicing in the morning- all that self care stuff that makes me feel really good about myself.

I just worry about being told again that Im this and that.. and I guess I just have to not care right? Despite being in a relationship. These are fears I can do without. If this is going to be an a thing though that keeps getting to me- than I might have to make a harsh desicion- I dont want to be with someone that doesnt think Im attractive. But he is hard to read, but this letter I sent tells it all straight.

Yesterday he said I looked nice, and all I did was wear a woollen jumper and a necklace his sister made me.. but I had been wearing these quite $$ woollen jumpers anyway.

I guess there is a big part of me like for any girl -where you just want that guy to love how you look right ? And for him to even say the other night how we are equal in our looks.. like what ever does that mean?

I just believe that everyone has their own best you know- and I just dont think he sees mine and I really want him to.

But I also dont want to do all this girly stuff just for his pleasure because it feels wrong to do it for him. Thats why I told him its like a compromise.

Anyway - maybe I will go boho haha.. he likes women with jewellery- but with me- I like to wear something special - I dont want to be all trashy- he grew up in a kind of trashy town you see - so i dont know.

He is a good guy- and hes explained all that facebook stuff that I was all funny about. But I just dont want to be a girlfriend to him because I am just there- because he just likes my body and not my face- or because he just likes my kindness or even just because of where I live and my animals that he liked , or because I am just a person he sees he can live with..
get along with..

I want him to be fully and completely attracted to me- maybe not now - but maybe in the future. He is a solid sincere person- he told me that he builds on relationships- hes not interested in 20 year olds anymore. He wants a future together.. children in a few years- and he has kind of changed since he has met me- he is so less depressed and less angry. He would do things if I asked.Its like a serious , mature relationship. yet its also not.

We get along so well and connect. But I want that romance and this is stopping it. He says that he would like me alot better if I did dress up and make an effort- so in my letter Ive asked him what does that mean..

I mean that is so abstract. I could make an effort and it not fit what he thinks.. its just like said - kinda double standards. Im always careful to talk to guys too, because they can be so blunt and honest regardless of thinking how that will make the other person feel. I mean ther are things that I just would not say because I realise it could hurt him- but yet with men- they just dont have that filter. So I will hesitate.

I just - he just very hard to read.

Don't be with each other just because it provides emotional comfort.

did he actually say your unattactive or not pretty though