Bullied to Death...almost

Angry E · 07-03-2009, 12:39 PM

So yeah I just signed up...I don't know what to make of this forum yet. I am looking around a bit but I can't tell if people come here to vent and be gone, or if there are a bunch of regulars. I figured i would introduce myself then start posting around once I get comfortable...

So umm...My name is Eric, I'm 28, I am from Philadelphia. I have never been diagnoses with any kind of disorder, but I believe myself to be Agoraphobic, simply because I've spent the last 11 years of my life in fear of anxiety attacks and in fear of being around crowds of people. The thing is, I know where it comes from, but still can't do anything about it. I was bullied a lot in school. I remember all the way back to first grade, when I was teased on my way home by a classmate, and it scared me a lot. For some reason I always attracted bullies. I was a really quiet, really shy, really sensitive kid, and this seemed to excite other guys my age. I was scared to death every single day that i had to go to school, and every second I was in school, for years and years and years. All I ever felt while at school, was fear of the next verbal/physical attack. By the time I was 15, I was already going bald from all the stress and anger i had swirling in my mind (and I was completely bald by 18-19).

When I reached 11th grade (at 17), things took a turn for the worst. I was still a quiet shy kid who kept to himself, yet for some reason, the bullies just couldn't resist, and on the 4th day of 11th grade I was jumped by 3 kids who beat the hell out of me even while I was having a panic attack (I found out later, they jumped me because someone decided to spread a rumor that I "talked ish about them"...what a joke this world is). When teachers finally pulled them off me, I was covered in blood (mostly from my gushing nose) and shaking violently. After the police and ambulance did their thing (Since nothing was broken, I refused to go to the hospital), I was able to go home. I dropped out of school that day, never went back. The kids that jumped me were expelled of course, but I have no idea where they are now...seeing how this world is completely unfair, they probably have beautiful girlfriends/wives and live a good life.

Anyway, for the past 11 years now, I have struggled to keep this anxiety in check, but it feels like every time I take a step forward, I get pushed 2 steps back. The world continues to show me that people are heartless, but even with all the things I've been through, I have always maintained a big heart. I've all but given up on the idea of "being cured" and lately I have come to the realization that I don't want to be cured, because I don't want to be "one of them". I would love to be able to find someone like me one day, where it would just be the 2 of us, and the rest of the world could just go to hell. Its a strange dream to have, but one that I am content with, because I just cant stand this world. Rather then continue to live in this isolation, I would like to rescue someone from theirs and be happy together without needing the worlds acceptance...

Well anyway, that about sums it up. There is a lot more to my issues, but I will leave it at that for now. The people who post here often must be Saints to put up with posts like this one...haha.

Danfalc · 07-03-2009, 12:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Angry E

The people who post here often must be Saints to put up with posts like this one...haha.

Nah its what the site is for so vent away

I'm sure a lot of people can relate,and welcome to the forum btw,hope you stick around.

sleepysparrow · 07-03-2009, 01:47 PM

Quote:

I've all but given up on the idea of "being cured" and lately I have come to the realization that I don't want to be cured, because I don't want to be "one of them". I would love to be able to find someone like me one day, where it would just be the 2 of us, and the rest of the world could just go to hell

This is the way I feel! We are very similar.

You can come here to vent any time. There are a lot of great people here who will listen and support you.

Hope you're feeling OK today.

Welcome.

Nicholas · 07-03-2009, 03:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Angry E

I would love to be able to find someone like me one day, where it would just be the 2 of us, and the rest of the world could just go to hell. Its a strange dream to have, but one that I am content with, because I just cant stand this world. Rather then continue to live in this isolation, I would like to rescue someone from theirs and be happy together without needing the worlds acceptance...

Yeah, same here. I feel I need to find some new friends that are more like me and can accept me for who I am. And the same goes for a girlfriend. But the biggest problem is, where do I find someone like me? Where do I find someone who actually likes me? Where and how? It's not easy at all.
I have tried to be optimistic these days, but when you see that the world is actually "mean", it's so difficult to keep coping. Sometimes I am even afraid that it's not me who is too pessimistic... it's the others who are too optimistic. What if I am actually right and the optimists are wrong? That's something that scares me.
Why are we pessimistic? Because we have learned to do so. But was that really a wrong lesson? Or were we taught the truth? I was bullied too when I was in school. Well, what I learned from that is that weak people are always taken advantage of, and almost always the nice people around just pretend not to see and they don't help, because it's easier to act that way. That was the lesson my brain learned, and that makes me be pessimistic I guess. But is it wrong? Is it a negative false thought that CBT would try to correct? I am afraid it's not a negative thought, and that it's actually how things work in reality. And it's so sad.

mismeek · 07-03-2009, 04:07 PM

welcome! hope too see you in the chat box!

Angry E · 07-03-2009, 08:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nicholas

Yeah, same here. I feel I need to find some new friends that are more like me and can accept me for who I am. And the same goes for a girlfriend. But the biggest problem is, where do I find someone like me? Where do I find someone who actually likes me? Where and how? It's not easy at all.
I have tried to be optimistic these days, but when you see that the world is actually "mean", it's so difficult to keep coping. Sometimes I am even afraid that it's not me who is too pessimistic... it's the others who are too optimistic. What if I am actually right and the optimists are wrong? That's something that scares me.
Why are we pessimistic? Because we have learned to do so. But was that really a wrong lesson? Or were we taught the truth? I was bullied too when I was in school. Well, what I learned from that is that weak people are always taken advantage of, and almost always the nice people around just pretend not to see and they don't help, because it's easier to act that way. That was the lesson my brain learned, and that makes me be pessimistic I guess. But is it wrong? Is it a negative false thought that CBT would try to correct? I am afraid it's not a negative thought, and that it's actually how things work in reality. And it's so sad.

With Bullies, it almost feels like its Instinct within these heartless pricks. When an animal sees that another animal of the same species is weak and timid, it too reacts by bullying that weaker animal. The fact that humans give into these urges, just shows how pathetic and weak our race can be. I see people like us as being stronger, because we endure a hell that most people wouldn't be able to tolerate.

darknight · 07-04-2009, 01:07 AM

wow....bullied since 1st grde....baldness....um def serious...how to deal with The depression and anxiety is the ?...

Flowers-Of-Bloom · 07-04-2009, 02:18 AM

Man, I feel for you. Everyone knows highschool is terrible, but you had it really bad...

There was a guy at my school, in the year below me, who was bashed to the point of unconciousness. Students were literally surrounding him in a circle, kicking, punching, throwing things and spitting at him. People just came to either watch or join in.
Obviously he had to be hospitalised and the police came and everything.

I don't understand people... I feel so disconnected...

mdjww · 07-04-2009, 07:41 AM

Thanks for the info, I appreciate it.

Rodox · 07-04-2009, 07:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Angry E

I've all but given up on the idea of "being cured" and lately I have come to the realization that I don't want to be cured, because I don't want to be "one of them". I would love to be able to find someone like me one day, where it would just be the 2 of us, and the rest of the world could just go to hell. Its a strange dream to have, but one that I am content with, because I just cant stand this world. Rather then continue to live in this isolation, I would like to rescue someone from theirs and be happy together without needing the worlds acceptance...

Well anyway, that about sums it up. There is a lot more to my issues, but I will leave it at that for now. The people who post here often must be Saints to put up with posts like this one...haha.

Thats not strange at all,I bet a lot of people feel like this too,"normal", "trendy" and "club girls" dont attract me at all,too crazy for me,welcome.