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Old 02-16-2010  
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Default Re: Can a man be SO attracted to a woman that he is actually afraid of her?

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Originally Posted by TooShyShy View Post
He looks extremely afraid most of the time; gets very uncomfortable & nervous around her....and jumpy, looks scared when she enters a room and he looks like he wants to ''disappear'', he can't smile when they talk to one another, ''prepares'' himself before speaking to her, looks as if HE has tunnel vision, afraid to speak..almost whisper when he talks to her, staaaare A LOT from AFAR mostly!!! The closer she is the more scared he looks!!!!!!

Just can't get it together enough to even hold eye contact for a period of time and have ''normal'' conversation but yet perfectly comfortable with all other women in the room or building???


Where does this come from???

How can you not want to be with someone you find that desirable?


And does the girl need to become LESS ATTRACTIVE; dress down, no makeup, etc. for him to be able to ''handle'' her on a personal/romantic level?

Also he has days where he seems fine, as if he can ''handle'' being around me and he will hang out more and be around when he can (at work) but then there are days where he looks like he can't handle it..he looks frightened, like he's falling apart (i can almost see his heart beating up in his throat) and needs to keep a ''safe'' distance all day long?


What makes some days easier then others for him wher i am concerned? Do i assume the nervous, jittery days its bcuz he's MORE aware of me and what i am doing--i see him watch me and where i go and what i do somedays--and on the days he's more comfortable and able to be around me (sometimes on purpose) he's not obsessing as much?


If anyone can shed some light on this, it would be greatly appreciated. I know he has female friends, i see him talk to women all the time AND HE IS FINE WITH THEM NEVER HAS A BAD MOMENT OR DAY so where do i go with this? What can i do????



I hope someone can shed light on this...thanks so much!!!!
This answer may not apply specifically to this situation but there are cases where a man will be fearful of a woman precisely because he is attracted to her.

Basically, part of him desires her which activates the part of him that is afraid of what a woman will do to him emotionally. Or that she will hurt him as he has experienced in the past.

One source that causes this sort of reaction is emotional incest. This is where his mother would have tried to use him to fill her own unmet emotional needs. The relationship is sexualized but not through physical touch. Out of loyalty (at an unconscious level) to his mother he will associate sexual attraction to another female with danger, ambivalence, shame, guilt and so on.
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Old 02-16-2010  
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Default Re: Can a man be SO attracted to a woman that he is actually afraid of her?

Absolutely 100% possible to be so frightened by someone you like so much. But its natural if you rate someone so high and think so positively and place such a high value on them whilst you place such a low value on yourself. It is like an inferiority complex, believing you're inadequate, unworthy, self conscious, feel not good enough which makes you very anxious and drains confidence.
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Old 02-16-2010  
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Default Re: Can a man be SO attracted to a woman that he is actually afraid of her?

Its just so sad and very frustrating bcuz i am at a loss of what to do, he knows i like him..which may cause even more anxiety for him yet, he still pays attention to me and stares a lot so i don't know..he could avoid me all together if he wanted!!!!

And i treid being friendly, initiating conversation in the beginning..nothing has worked its like there is something permanantly locked in his brain that says STAY AWAY - DANGER AHEAD...lol...i feel badly bcuz i can SEE his nervousness and yet he looks at me with these puppy dog eyes, almost like a scared little boy and i am just at a loss of what to do for him?


I wish i knew what to do to help him and me!!!!!!
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Old 02-16-2010  
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Default Re: Can a man be SO attracted to a woman that he is actually afraid of her?

This is just an idea, maybe I am wrong.

When you as the woman make the first move, he could feel intimidated. He could think, why is she doing that, is she doing it because she feels sorry for me because I like her so much. What does it mean when she tries to get in contact with me. Does she want to be my friend or does she want more. If she doesnt want more then it is better to just stay away from her so I dont get hurt. That could be the things he is thinking.

If you have some fellow friends try to maybe get them to do a small gathering in a place he will feel good at and invite you and him. Should not be too many people but also not only you and him as he could be intimidated by it.

It is just an idea, maybe it works maybe it doesnt
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Old 02-26-2010  
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Default Re: Can a man be SO attracted to a woman that he is actually afraid of her?

I guess this is something he has to work on himself...i thought the more he was around me the easier it would be but its not made it better at all.

Its hard bcuz i don't know how else to make him less afraid of me and to be so jumpy, the closer i am to him physically the more anxious he seems and i also see frustration and sadness in his eyes at tims when he doesn't look scared out of his mind that is! I do feel for him so much, its awful cuz i can't do anything..i've tried it all; initiating conversation, being funny, asking him questions when i need help, etc.

I do notice though that he HAS TO say hello to me everyday, even if he positions himself to be where i am (at work) or walks by me purposely..knows where i'll be..he has my routine memorized its the same everyday pretty much. And he'll wait in front of a certain door or hallway to say hello or good morning...its gotten to be very obvious!

That seems to be a big thing for him!!! I just wish he could do/say more..i can keep things going by asking questions and such but i can see its hard on him and on a good day he can make eye contact on a bad day..he is a jumpy mess when we talk.


It's so sad :(

Last edited by TooShyShy; 02-26-2010 at 11:18 PM..
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Old 02-27-2010  
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Default Re: Can a man be SO attracted to a woman that he is actually afraid of her?

Quote:
Originally Posted by TooShyShy View Post
I guess this is something he has to work on himself...i thought the more he was around me the easier it would be but its not made it better at all.

Its hard bcuz i don't know how else to make him less afraid of me and to be so jumpy, the closer i am to him physically the more anxious he seems and i also see frustration and sadness in his eyes at tims when he doesn't look scared out of his mind that is! I do feel for him so much, its awful cuz i can't do anything..i've tried it all; initiating conversation, being funny, asking him questions when i need help, etc.

I do notice though that he HAS TO say hello to me everyday, even if he positions himself to be where i am (at work) or walks by me purposely..knows where i'll be..he has my routine memorized its the same everyday pretty much. And he'll wait in front of a certain door or hallway to say hello or good morning...its gotten to be very obvious!

That seems to be a big thing for him!!! I just wish he could do/say more..i can keep things going by asking questions and such but i can see its hard on him and on a good day he can make eye contact on a bad day..he is a jumpy mess when we talk.


It's so sad :(
If he goes out of his way to say Hi to you every morning then it's obvious he wants you to know he has some interest in you. I'm afraid of women too and I would never do that. Maybe once a month or something and that's pushing it. Allowing a woman to know you have interest in her gives her power.

Have you tried being forward and asking him privately if he is afraid of you and if so then why? Or if that question sounds too strange then perhaps if you make him uncomfortable and if so why?
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Old 02-27-2010  
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Default Re: Can a man be SO attracted to a woman that he is actually afraid of her?

I also am anxious when in the presence of a woman I like. I can only offer you what I think it would take for me to overcome the anxiousness. And I do not even know if this would work for me, and I would have to write a book to explain it all, but briefly here is my take.

First of all you will have to communicate to me in a way I can clearly understand that you like me and do not mind my advances, as unconventional as they may be. Then you would have to accept that I am anxious around you, and that the level of communication we have now, as poor as it is, maybe as good as it will ever be. You will have to enjoy the company I can offer as it is now, enjoy the hello, and the walk by's as well as if it were a dozen roses or a trip together to Paris. In actual fact, I might be putting more effort into just saying hello than a confident guy would in taking you to Paris. At the same time you can not overly express your enjoyment, just pleasantly accept each encounter and try to keep your reaction consistent from one time to the next, as any sudden deviation from the norm will trigger more anxiousness. The trick to this, is that you truly do need to enjoy and appreciate these little encounters, and not just pretend to. If you do not truly enjoy it, you will not have the ability to keep trying for long enough to accomplish anything, and he will not believe you. Every time he does some little thing and sees you like it, he will try it again. And again. And again. If you try to do to much at once, he will get scared. Thatís alright, when he gets the nerve up to come back, just keep on enjoying it. If you look frustrated or hurt, he will go away or stop. You have every right to be hurt and frustrated, but understand that it will scare him.

Also, it would be best if you could start communicating outside of work, as hard as this may sound. Doing all this at work may cause problems, and even if you accomplish a lot at work, you will have to start all over again to accomplish anything outside of work. So itís just as well you start outside of work as soon as is possible. You can set up new encounters away from work, but introduce them slowly and carefully. Pick a place to meet(decide this yourself), and let him know you will be there at a certain time, a park bench would do fine, away from crowds of people. Tell him that you will be there at the same time every week and he is free to meet you there as he wishes. Tell him that he can come as close as he can, even if it is only to walk by a hundred feet away or sit at another park bench at a distance. Set a time limit to be there, say ten minutes, and when the time is up just wave goodbye as you leave. Even if he just makes it to the same park, leave him a note later saying that you enjoyed your meeting at the park and canít wait till next time. And reassure him he can keep coming as close as he is able. Just keep doing the same thing over and over, but you may even have to show up a few times before he even tries. But just keep going yourself until he is able to start participating. Once you are able to sit on the same park bench and talk for the ten minutes, then start something more adventurous with the same method. The whole while you are doing this, you have to keep sex completely out of the picture. All of your efforts at first will be just to be together and talking. Start introducing new things to do in the same manner as the meet in the park. Each new thing should get quicker and quicker to accomplish. If he gets brave and tries for more on his own, go with it as gently as you can, fully expecting that he may get anxious even if it is he that initiates it. If he is waiting by your door at work go ahead and sit next to him. But only do it for a short while, and do something else to distract yourself, like using your phone. Donít talk to him or gesture in any way, just sit and do something else, and then move along. But the next time, do exactly the same thing. Please note that you will need a lot of next times. If you find seomthing that does not make him anxious, then do exactly the same thing again next time. And if you want to start talking or make eye contact, try it at the very end of the encounter. If you do it quickly just as you are leaving, he will not have time to become anxious. And even if he does, the encounter is already over and he will more quickly return to normal.
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Old 02-27-2010  
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Default Re: Can a man be SO attracted to a woman that he is actually afraid of her?

*Sigh* Women are so powerful.
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Old 02-27-2010  
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Default Re: Can a man be SO attracted to a woman that he is actually afraid of her?

You will also have to reassure him, show him you like him without actually telling him, hint at it but don't come right out and say it directly to him. Do things that people do if they like someone, but donít come right out and say you like him. If you do anything directly it may scare him.

All the while he will have to be seriously working miracles in his head to be brave enough to overcome the anxiousness. When it comes down to it, he is the one that is going to have to fix himself. You can do nothing to change the way his head works. All you can do is provide him with the opportunities he needs to practice and figure things out. It may work, it may not. If he does not already understand his anxiousness or love shyness, than provide to him as much knowledge as you can offer. If I had understood exactly what was going on years ago, I think I would have had a hundred times the chance of succeeding.

Also, if it were me, and you were not completely happy and content to be doing all this, I would not want you to do it. And I have to point out that this is way way way beyond what I or any man could expect a woman to do, and for me it is part of the reason why I try to hide how I feel. It is simply too much to ask, and I cannot bear the disappointment I will surely cause you, repeatedly.

One of the biggest barriers I have to overcome is believing that the girl likes me and does not mind me getting closer. After you tell him or write to him that you do like him, you may think that he then knows it. But for me this is not true. I may be able to believe it when I am thinking clearly, but as soon as the anxiousness starts I donít believe it any more. I donít know why this happens, but it does, every time. It would be just as easy to believe in a ghost. And then when I see frustration and disappointment in the girl (caused by my anxious behavior), I take it as proof that she didnít really like me or sheís changed her mind. I have no choice then but to leave her alone. Then it will take me a while, sometimes days, weeks, years, before I can get the nerve up to get close again. Basically I have to try and get close to you even though I think that I am bothering you and that you want me to go away. That is a very hard thing for a sensitive guy to do to a girl he admires. It is not simple insecurities. I am insecure sometimes, but I can overcome that and think my way through it. The problem is, when I get anxious, I cannot think, and therefore I have zero chance of getting over my insecurities. That and the anxiousness makes you terrified, and therefore you feel like something is wrong, that you are doing something wrong. And if what you are doing is getting close to a woman, then it feels like itís wrong to be doing that, so you have to stop. So if you can reassure him when he settles down from the anxiousness, like leaving a note for him, or a text message, that itís alright and you donít mind that he was anxious, it may help.
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Old 02-27-2010  
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Default Re: Can a man be SO attracted to a woman that he is actually afraid of her?

One other problem is that he likely thinks very highly of you. This will be a barrier as there will be a huge gap between what he thinks of himself and what he thinks of you. To help with this, confide in him your own insecurities, your own flaws. Ask for advice or an opinion, let him see your faults. If you can manage this, it will do two things. It will help him see you as a real person with flaws, which will help bring you down from the goddess status and reassure him (don't worry, it will not lessen his opinion of you). Plus it may give him the opportunity to help reassure you, and reassuring/helping you may allow him to communicate without triggering anxiousness . For myself, if I see someone who needs help, I can usually offer it anxious free. Especially if someone needs rescuing, but I do not recommend setting up a fake scenario to be rescued. That would be too risky. As well, if it is a helping task that he can perform, then doing the task will help distract him, and distraction is a way to minimize the anxiousness. If I can be doing anything to be closer to her that has a purpose other than just to be close to her, then it helps relieve the anxiousness. Sometimes you can even trick it by pretending to be doing something else. The anxiousness is quite stupid in actual fact. If you can make yourself truly believe that you are not getting close to her for the purpose of getting close to her, then you will not be anxious at all. Any ole kind of excuse will do, as long as you can believe it.

Sorry for this huge ramble, I am trying my best to articulate my fragmented thoughts. I cannot stress enough the need to start trying to get together outside of work. What you are able to accomplish at work probably wonít help outside of work, so you will have to start all over. Even if you have to set up a meet in two different parks at first, both of you each go to a different park, but decide which parks beforehand, and both do it at the same scheduled time. If he cannot do what you have planned, then make it easy enough so that he can do it, and then go from there. The trick in the beginning is to communicate effectively enough to set these things up. But if you just leave him a note or message telling him where to be and when, then eventually he might be able to manage it. If he does not show, a nice visit to a park will not have done you any harm anyways. Emails and text messages are a great deal easier than communicating in person, and over time he may get more used to them.

From your posts it seems like he does have good communication skills with others, so if he is able to get over the anxiousness, long enough to think, he may be able to start doing more on his own. And when he is getting on so well with the older married women(that understandably drives you nuts), he is probably just trying to impress you with his communication skills. He is trying to show you he is not a complete loser. This is not the best way to do it, but it is the only opportunity he has to do so. The only way you have of knowing that he is a good guy is by how he interacts with others, so watch him and be thankful that he can. If you are at all within sight, be assured that he knows you are there. In essence, when he is communicating with others when you are around, he is basically communicating with you, not them. Whatever he is saying to them is really meaningless to him. In effect, he is communicating to you in proxy. And using a proxy is also a good way to get around the anxiousness. None of these little tricks will allow you to communicate effectively. But if you can manage to get around the anxiousness even for a short time, than you can start to communicate directly. Then once you get used to communicating directly, then and only then can you start to build a normal relationship.

Also, it will be very hard for him to actually say to you or anyone that he likes you. Because just trying to think about doing that will make him anxious. And he will be afraid to tell anyone else because he will be afraid they will tell him to leave you alone or make fun of him. But at some point along the way, you will have to somehow get a commitment from him clearly indicating that he wants you to keep trying. You cannot, after all, keep trying for a long time to be close to someone without a clear indication from them that it is alright to do so. This may be the most difficult thing to overcome. And when he is anxious, the warm feelings he has for you will be obliterated, and it may cause him to be fickle. This is another obstacle, but be assured that as soon as the anxiousness subsides, the warm feelings will return. He is not actually fickle, the anxiousness may just make it appear that way, even to him. Because of this it may take him a long while to even trust and believe in his own feelings for you, another reason why he will not let you know he likes you. He may not truly believe it himself yet.

I donít know if this makes any sense, or if I caused you to just give it all up, but here is my two cents, for whatever its worth. If someone did even a fraction of this for me, gave me even a few next times, and taught me how to believe in ghosts, they would forever have my heart. And she did, and she was beautiful, and she still has my heart, for whatever it is worth.
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