Can one be social without "group" socializing?

Time and time again with me, it simply comes down to the fact that whatever it is I'm looking for... requires some level of real-life socializing to acquire. Attempting to fill this void by socializing online does not work for me, or at best, is an incomplete "fix." The facade of fulfillment via online means inevitably breaks down and leads to depressive episodes, where again I realize--once more--real-life activity is where it's at.

I recently had an online acquaintance (not from here, but another forum) cut me down a bit and say "quit hiding behind that computer screen." Their advice was I can find the things I want, but not on a monitor--I have to get out there and join groups, functions, local society, whatever.

The problem is, of course as mentioned in the topic line, I effin' hate, loathe, detest socializing within groups. Why? Simple. Deeply introverted and awkward and "unlike most" (whatever that really means), I just don't mesh. Either that or I am always and without fail the "third wheel" or just deemed unnecessary; just someone who can be brushed off or forgotten about. I'm also 95% certain this would be the same whether I had social anxiety or not: quite simply my neurological functioning is not "mainstream" and you cannot force "unorthodox" into the mainstream box. Things you would find in my own brand of neurological stew might be sensory sensitivity, delayed response time, inattention, lack of interest in things taken for granted by most. But don't consider that my "pity party," please.. let's just be honest and take for what it is, which is basically "here I have this obstacle I didn't ask for; let's all help me find a way around it."

So that's the problem. IF INDEED "getting out there" requires that one has to function within group dynamics AND win (as in, "mesh")... then, quite logically, it's not going to work for me.

It thus leads to this question: Is there another kind of "get out there in the world" that can allow one to socialize, make progress, and get the things they want... without falling victim to group dynamics, and being treated with indifference by everyone? Shouldn't I be allowed to get some of the same things everyone wants and (almost) everyone gets?

You can meet friends 'here and there' without being apart of a group. I know several older adults (in their 30s) who do just that. Just be social and talk to people at work, the gas station, and wherever else. And soon you will have a collection of people that you form meaningful relationships with.

I know its easier said than done. I'm hoping to make some friends at college.

I can relate almost excactly to everthing you've written above. And of course i am struggling with those very same things on a daly basis. I suppose you have Aspergers or sth similar in autsim spectrum .. as have i. I rang 2 hotlines today .. the 2nd one suggested support groups for aspergers (altho that is just the tip-of-iceberg of my problems, it could be sth to strat with possibly)

Me and my imaginary friends are gonna party.

Where did you get that idea that "getting out there" implies being in a group? What are these things you want to do that you do not?

theslowesthand said:

I can relate almost excactly to everthing you've written above. And of course i am struggling with those very same things on a daly basis. I suppose you have Aspergers or sth similar in autsim spectrum .. as have i. I rang 2 hotlines today .. the 2nd one suggested support groups for aspergers (altho that is just the tip-of-iceberg of my problems, it could be sth to strat with possibly)

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Yeah, I think of everyone here you "get it" the most. A discouraging response from people at key times in life (for me it was between 14 and 18 years aged) leads to avoidance, but the avoidance prevents progress that might have happened if I didn't hide away. So yes, the social anxiety *develops*... but things like ADD and Asperger's, they just *is.* They *is.*

So to rephrase it again, my base difference is ADD (officially diagnosed, too) and a mild, sub-threshold case of Asperger, or whatever you want to call it. If I was to work on myself properly and diligently, maybe I could diminish social anxiety to a negligible level.. but core deficits, as mentioned above, would remain and because of that I would probably still be shrugged off because of the shallowness of group dynamics.

Pacific_Loner said:

Where did you get that idea that "getting out there" implies being in a group? What are these things you want to do that you do not?

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Well, it's possible I could be naively thinking that group dynamics are a crucial factor in one's social functioning. I've largely kept myself hidden away for most of the last 8 years or so (not agoraphobia, though... but avoidance gone wild.)

In any event I'll give you a few examples. Here's a concrete one. Back when I was in community college I'd say about 8 out of 10 classes required group work, which requires an ability to *mesh* within a group, meet that group outside of class to work on projects, etc. Of course, I wasn't similarly-minded to anyone in the groups I fell into, which made for very awkward situations and no friends gained, no status gained, nothing gained. You might imagine I quit school for this reason.. you'd be right. (I quit well, at least, eh?)

Now this is less concrete, but I can't imagine that joining "groups" or "meet-ups" or "clubs" or "cooking class" would be much different. Friends go with friends (already established).. I'd be there by myself. Then, even when you have situations where people who don't know each other attend events, group dynamics still occurs because the talkative/outgoing dominate the event, and those who don't mesh are judged to be of low value, or unimportant.. and so, I'd just lose again.

As for things that I want... no need to specify. People all want the same things. Take a few quiet guesses, and I'm sure you'd not be far off. The fact is, if you want *anything*, some degree of social functioning (besides "none") is needed. I find that specification can ruin and derail threads often, anyway.

This is more about "is there a way around group dynamics," etc..

I don't think websites like this would exist if there were a way to be satisfied in life without socializing or having a group of friends. Like it or not, you'll probably have you try hard to "mesh" with other people if you wanna get the things you want.

PhillipJFry said:

I don't think websites like this would exist if there were a way to be satisfied in life without socializing or having a group of friends. Like it or not, you'll probably have you try hard to "mesh" with other people if you wanna get the things you want.

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Socializing is a necessity. But that's not the question. The question is whether I can get the things I want without meshing within social groups (whether this be at some kind of job, classes, activities, clubs, functions).

In other words can a person get some of the things they want through just getting to know people on a 1-1 basis?