ooh my god!!!!
You r depicting the same thing which I have been going through since last 12 years. I have full sympathy with you. I myself don't know what to do. This really is hell. After this problem has started with me...all the beauty in this world has gone. Everyone even my own parents are strangers to me now. I have lost all my friends and people whom I loved. Now as days are passing I am getting more and more isolated.
When I speak to someone without looking into his eyes, i have to emphasize and over-emphasize myself to make myself heard. No body believes me. It is like shouting at the top of the voice and saying "WHAT I AM SAYING IS THE TRUTH" but no body cares. I say something else and my eyes says something else. I don't blame them. I wouldn't have been different if I would have been in their place. But I cannot participate in any activity I am not shared with any information I am treated like a liar, like a characterless fellow. It is like dying so many time before i actually die.
I am not able to believe that I have lived 12 years like this. Days have just passed struggling, suffocating, soulsearching in full of depression. I have not remained the person which I actually am. Who am I, where am I...I have lost my self and is always searching a meaning to live.
Sorry friend......since I am in the same boat as yours..............drown me also along with the boat when it sinks