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Old 08-23-2008  
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Default Desperate for a girlfriend

I often look at this site but haven't posted anything in a while. I'm not good at committing myself to posting on forums but I need to reach out to people right now.

I know that I'm not alone on here in starting a thread like this and that there are many guys on here in the same situation. But I wanted to write about how I've been feeling lately since it's the worst I've felt about being single in a long time. I've read similar threads but didn't really want to hijack someone else's.

So I'm three months away from becoming 34 and I feel absolutely hopeless. I'm constantly caught between feeling it surely can't be too long before I find someone and wondering whether I should just put an end to my sorry existence. I know that this won't be possible anyway. I often have thoughts about wanting to die but I'm not able to harm myself. I regularly wish that I could just die in my sleep, leave this life painlessly. My life is going nowhere and I don't know how to move on from my obsessive thoughts.

I've only had one "girlfriend" and she was 11 years older than me and it never felt like a proper relationship. She decided to end what little we had left of the friendship and then I've heard nothing from her since last November when she called me unexpectedly. Her mobile number doesn't work anymore but it was probably for the best that what little we had came to an end.

I'm feeling really inadequate about my inexperience at the moment. I've tried not to think so much about it and my desire for a relationship for some time but the emptiness of my existence has really hit me lately.

For the last few months I've been spending a lot of time on sites such as AnxietyTribe, DepressionTribe and SocialAnxietyFriends. These ARE good sites and I have been able to chat and communicate with others on there. But from initially thinking they were sites for anxiety and depression sufferers to hopefully meet other sufferers of the opposite sex, I've been proved very wrong. The "dating status" on so many women's profiles on there indicate that they are "in a relationship", "married", "engaged", "in love" and even "hopelessly in love"!! I always think that sounds kind of strange for someone with depression or anxiety to be hopelessly in love! So I generally don't bother to contact these women although I have had friend requests from some who are in relationships. A lot of them aren't looking for a partner, they just want to talk to others of both genders about their illness and interests which is fair enough.

But for someone as desperate as I am to find a girlfriend it becomes really frustrating after a while. Especially when so many have had what I want so much. I hate envying others as it's so self destructive but I also wonder sometimes whether some of these people even really suffer from anxiety and depression! At least to the severity that I do. I'm so lonely and longing for a relationship that I feel the compulsion to welcome new and seemingly single women to the sites in the hope of, at the very least, making contact with them and if possible becoming friends even if this is only online. I don't actually EXPECT to hear from anyone I welcome or leave friendly comments on their profiles which is just as well as I often hear nothing. (To my amazement, I have even noticed that some of them DELETE my comments which does even more to damage me psychologically and lower my self esteem.) But I know that if I didn't make the first move then I probably wouldn't hear from anybody! I'm not very good at knowing what to say unless I notice something that they have in common with me. But I have to keep trying in the hope of getting women to notice my profile who might actually like me.

I've had other upsetting experiences recently when a few girls who were on my "friends" lists stopped communicating with me (when they had before) and ignored my comments and messages. I don't think I'd feel so bad about them not replying if they were ignoring others and not logging in but I still see them talking to others including younger men that they appear to get on really well with. I don't want to ask them why they are ignoring me or talk about it with others on mine and their friends list because, from past experience, I would probably be made out to be the person who was in the wrong.

There are some women I enjoy chatting to but they live too far away so it's unlikely that I will ever meet them. I wasted five months last year being led on by an American woman who dropped me with no explanation and has ignored my attemts to contact her since. I've been ignored a lot online and I appreciate what some have said that it's because the women on these sites receive so many messages and they can be overwhelmed by them. But it still doesn't make me feel any better about myself, in fact much worse when I'm ignored or rejected.

There are a few FREE dating sites I joined but I never did anything or tried to send out messages because people on them seemed cliquey (like in the forums) and I'm too honest about my mental health problems. I really want to meet a woman who understands about Social Anxiety, OCD and depression rather than someone who was ignorant of any kind of mental illness or social problems.

So, anyway, if I haven't bored everyone with this long thread, I would appreciate hearing from anybody. I'm at a total loss to know what to do next but I know there will be many others just as pissed off with their lives.
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Old 08-23-2008  
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Me too mate! Man you sound like me. I don't know what to say.
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Old 08-24-2008  
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I'm 21 years old (female), i have had 1 serious boyfriend (4 years together), he compleetley broke me and nocked all my confidence, since that i have become agraphobic.
I want a relasionship so bad, but i have not yet met a man that is willing to be with a woman who can't leave the house :/
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Old 08-24-2008  
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I think just don't give up looking mate. There are billions of people on this earth so there has to be someone out there for ya.
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Old 08-24-2008  
Banned for manipulation and deceit (and she was chlo)
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Whats your asl?
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Old 08-24-2008  
Banned for manipulation and deceit (and she was chlo)
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Im from England so it would behard for us hahha:P
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Old 08-24-2008  
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didn't read

Love+Compassion+Eternity+Freedom
Always believing that there's something good in this world
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Old 08-24-2008  
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I think not having a significant other is probably the worst part of social anxiety for me. And I'm also trying to figure out just how to go out and find that special someone as I've tried other things that just didn't work out. You're trying to meet people on the internet so that could be the wrong start there. People can be completely different in actual life than they seem on the internet. You could waste months communicating with someone online in the hopes that they could become your significant other. When you do finally meet up they're completely different from what you expected and there's just no chemistry between you. Online friends are definitely something you should seek out but don't rely on it for a serious relationship.

This is just my opinion but what I suggest is to work on ways to actually start small talk with complete strangers including females. I've seen the YouTube videos on "How to Meet Hot Women". Maybe those techniques work for someone with charm and good looks but not for people like us. We have to figure out a way to approach nice members of the opposite sex and be ourselves. Notice that I said members as just focusing on one person may just be a waste of time. Hopefully eventually we'd start small talk with one that would reciprocate interest.

And another thought I had about this is how not to come across as being creepy. Just as an example I was out bicycling on an almost deserted trail yesterday and came across an attractive(to me) female who was having trouble with her bike. I stopped and asked if she needed any help. She said she was fine even though she didn't look it. I asked again if she needed anything and almost immediately I started to feel like I was being creepy. They say if you feel creepy you are creepy so I politely left the scene and hoped that she would be okay. This probably had a lot to do with being out on an almost deserted trail but I'm sure the same would happen in a very public place. Maybe some females on here can give us guys some tips on how to start innocent conversations without giving out creepy vibes. It's the only way we're going to eventually find someone we're compatible with.
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Old 08-24-2008  
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It could be hard but if finding a partner is very important to you. You should set it as a priority and work towards it just like you do with other goals.
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Old 08-26-2008  
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Thanks for your replies so far. I hadn't seen them until I checked just as for some reason I didn't get any email notification!!

Anyway I'm still struggling with my depression at the moment. I wish my desire for a relationship didn't have to be such a priority. I do have a few other things in my life but they're mainly interests such as collecting rare records and watching old TV shows. Sometimes I think twice about putting them on my profiles in case people think I'm sad and out of touch which I guess I am.

Hope to hear from someone, even other males who would like to be my friend.
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Old 09-11-2008  
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bro..im the exact same way...and everytime i think I can try...I go out, get a girls number and no phone call...and it shoots my confidence level back down to zero....its terrible
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Old 09-11-2008  
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Some males are not nough to attract females. Far from all animal males gets to mate.

Worth taking a look at, and give a serious try:
Link1
Link1
Link3

Especially if you feel that your life is miserable.
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Old 09-15-2008  
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Default Me too

Hi Steve,

I think we are in the same place buddy. I'm 36 and still single. It's been rough. I keep trying however.

I've had the same experiences with women. It is so frustrating to see women get enamored with other guys. I recall sending a message to a girl to play tennis some time. I guess I was a little wordy, as some other dude sends a short quick email and she writes back with several sentences laden with enthusiasm. Go figure.

I don't know what else to say. However, I keep reminding myself that this whole existence is merely an illusion, and we are merely players on a stage. There is something much better to look forward to.

Hang in there.

Chris
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Old 09-29-2008  
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me too dammit.
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Old 10-05-2008  
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Well, I'm at reached an all time low now. I'm at a point where I feel that if I don't find someone very soon and also be able to lose my virginity I will kill myself. I hope someone can finally come to my rescue as I've been putting it off for many years now but I really don't want to go on like this.

I'm so ****ing sick of sending out friendly messages to women on sites who couldn't give a **** about me. I'm sick of blaming myself as well, thinking it must all be down to me. Why should it be? I'm just as good as any other bloke but they just don't want to know.

I'm so ****ing disheartened with it, I don't want to waste my life anymore.
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Old 07-11-2010  
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Default Re: Desperate for a girlfriend

hey sickofbeinglonely,

I read your initial post and could relate to a lot of what you said. I wondered how you're doing now, if you still come around here and if you've found love.
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Old 07-11-2010  
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Default Re: Desperate for a girlfriend

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kien View Post
Some males are not nough to attract females. Far from all animal males gets to mate.
Depends on how long they live. A grown-up wolf won't be shunned for being a virgin like a 25 year old man would, nor will he be rejected for not acting like a reality show / soap opera star like a teenage guy would. This goes both ways; a female wolf won't be rejected for not being in the popular clique or wearing expensive clothes either.

"Without deviation from the norm, progress is not possible." -- Frank Zappa
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Old 07-11-2010  
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Default Re: Desperate for a girlfriend

Quote:
Originally Posted by sickofbeinglonely View Post
Well, I'm at reached an all time low now. I'm at a point where I feel that if I don't find someone very soon and also be able to lose my virginity I will kill myself. I hope someone can finally come to my rescue as I've been putting it off for many years now but I really don't want to go on like this.

I'm so ****ing sick of sending out friendly messages to women on sites who couldn't give a **** about me. I'm sick of blaming myself as well, thinking it must all be down to me. Why should it be? I'm just as good as any other bloke but they just don't want to know.

I'm so ****ing disheartened with it, I don't want to waste my life anymore.
i dont really know what to say here , but dont give up mate , i was over 20 b4 i got a gf .. but yea it does your head in dont it .. just keep trying , there really is someone for evrey one out there , its just finding them init

One should not criticize a person without understanding their situation
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Old 09-15-2010  
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Quote:
Originally Posted by guessed View Post
hey sickofbeinglonely,

I read your initial post and could relate to a lot of what you said. I wondered how you're doing now, if you still come around here and if you've found love.
Thanks guessed, it's nice to think someone read my post from almost two years ago and wondered about how I was doing. I'm no better really than I was two years ago except I have even fewer friends and even less confidence in myself.

This is the first time I've even logged into SPW for ages (I don't think I've had any email notifications) after feeling particularly bad last night in a pub with my friend, seing a girl I found attractive and not being able to do anything. I used to be on loads of sites this time two years ago but am hardly on any now! I don't have any hope of ever having a proper relationship but I've learned to become stronger in myself and cope better with my thoughts of depression and suicide.

I actually fell in love with a girl online not long after I last posted here but sadly she never reciprocated and I ended up getting my heart broken. Since then I've carried on trying to connect with women on other support sites and even dating sites but eventually reached a point where I can't take being ignored and rejected anymore. This year I've made a good friend of someone on another support site and came close to meeting up with a girl I'd been chatting to on the phone for three months before she went cold on me.

I'm off to bed now (it's almost 3.00 am in the UK!!) but if anyone has any advice or wants to chat, please feel free to PM me.
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Old 09-15-2010  
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Default Re: Desperate for a girlfriend

i can relate to you in many ways. im at my wits end with approaching women. it got so bad i have little desire to try anymore because it feels so pointless. but i guess its like looking for treasure...sometimes you have to keep digging till you find it. having to weed thru 100 bad ones until you find a good one.
but one thing you need to remember...never be desperate. a man is never desperate, well at least dont appear that way. im as lonely as you right now but i am in NO WAY desperate. even if a hot girl came onto me right now wanting me to be her door mat, i would tell her to **** off and get lost. dont be desperate. if youre the type of person that wants something real, it is worth waiting for. that much i know.
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