Diary publication thread of mine
- Thread starter Nanita
- Start date
MollyBeGood
Well-known member
Yay for better days! I love Fall too 
Go get sunshine!
Go get sunshine!
Nanita
Well-known member
Yay for better days! I love Fall too
Yes Molly yay for good days. But it keeps changing between good and bad days. . .
Nanita
Well-known member
To achieve a well functioning life in a setup of social connections, friendships, people to call, people to notice if you fall.
Impossible.
I'm so jealous of the socially well functioning lives they have.
Wellknown bitterness, envy, sadness, the clear knowing that I'm forever out in the cold. I can make short visits but never be included.
Impossible.
I'm so jealous of the socially well functioning lives they have.
Wellknown bitterness, envy, sadness, the clear knowing that I'm forever out in the cold. I can make short visits but never be included.
MollyBeGood
Well-known member
Aww I know what you mean. I try to make the best of what I have and not compare anymore. I think that the act of comparing is what sets us in a spiral of sadness, at least for me. I mean we are all given different challenges and different advantages, there's always someone doing better than you no matter how good you are doing.(even the richest and most famous are chronically dissatisfied).... Being content and satisfied with yourself in this world is what will make you happy more than anything. Just the simple act of Gratitude if you practice it daily, can really bring so much to your state inner peace. Try to be grateful for 5 things every day, and see what happens. Like I was with a roof and a wood stove with a fire...that is all one really needs(food too obviously).
Nanita
Well-known member
Thank you for your words!
Yes, you are very right it's always bad to compare, and you are right about the power of gratitude and appreciation.
I often find myself comparing my life to other people's lives. It always brings me down.
I do find things to appreciate, even if it's just appreciating my bed, the food in my fridge. And the fact that I actually have a fridge.
The whole loneliness subject and not being connected to a lot of people, is something that's very difficult and painful for me to accept or make peace with.
MollyBeGood
Well-known member
I see...
I sent you a message
I sent you a message
Nanita
Well-known member
I'm back in the bad habbit of falling asleep at 4 or 5 am and waking up at 12 or 1 pm feeling ill, exhausted, useless.
I really want to change it, get to bed earlier and hopefully be able to actually fall asleep earlier.
Today I'm gonna try to take care of myself and not bring myself further down than I already am.
I want a cat.
I really want to change it, get to bed earlier and hopefully be able to actually fall asleep earlier.
Today I'm gonna try to take care of myself and not bring myself further down than I already am.
I want a cat.
Nanita
Well-known member
Last "night" I fell asleep probably around 4.30 am. Stupid sleep pattern.
I didn't feel great about myself or about anything, except the dream I just had; white horses needing me, seeking my attention. Wtf. But nice to feel needed.
Then I got a phonecall about a part of my income that I thought I was going to lose, but it turns out I'm not going to lose it, so that's a big relief.
I'm in an okay-medium/almost good mood.
I didn't feel great about myself or about anything, except the dream I just had; white horses needing me, seeking my attention. Wtf. But nice to feel needed.
Then I got a phonecall about a part of my income that I thought I was going to lose, but it turns out I'm not going to lose it, so that's a big relief.
I'm in an okay-medium/almost good mood.
Nanita
Well-known member
Thursday.
Most days are the same. The heavy nothingness paired with severe nervousness.
Sometimes energy enough to do something, like paint a wall or do laundry. And afterwards feeling exhausted.
I can't see myself changing ever. I know that I don't function with people or without people. I don't function in any job or place or anything, because I'm too fragile, nervous, withdrawn, disconnected, weird, arrogant, weak, critical of myself and others, a mess, and physically tired and sick.
The only ways I'm changing is looking more and more tired and being more and more isolated and losing social skills more and more.
Most days are the same. The heavy nothingness paired with severe nervousness.
Sometimes energy enough to do something, like paint a wall or do laundry. And afterwards feeling exhausted.
I can't see myself changing ever. I know that I don't function with people or without people. I don't function in any job or place or anything, because I'm too fragile, nervous, withdrawn, disconnected, weird, arrogant, weak, critical of myself and others, a mess, and physically tired and sick.
The only ways I'm changing is looking more and more tired and being more and more isolated and losing social skills more and more.
MollyBeGood
Well-known member
i hate that you feel so bad. *hugs*
Is there any support groups you could go to to practice social skills? I know since I moved closer to the "action" I am going to seek out some things like that to try. You might meet some like-minded people with similar struggles that would help you feel less alone. Isolation is the worst when you feel down. What about an art class where you could hone in on your creative talents? Artist are usually very welcoming, open-minded and used to being out casts so there wouldn't be all this pressure to fit in with them like other types of people.
What about a place to work a public garden around you? Working outside in the dirt growing things can be so good for your mental well being. I just spend a few mins in my new garden and feel like I took an antidepressant. I know you feel physically ill a lot so take baby steps but do try. What about a 10 min walk a few times a week? I know you love nature so you need to be in it.
Is there any support groups you could go to to practice social skills? I know since I moved closer to the "action" I am going to seek out some things like that to try. You might meet some like-minded people with similar struggles that would help you feel less alone. Isolation is the worst when you feel down. What about an art class where you could hone in on your creative talents? Artist are usually very welcoming, open-minded and used to being out casts so there wouldn't be all this pressure to fit in with them like other types of people.
What about a place to work a public garden around you? Working outside in the dirt growing things can be so good for your mental well being. I just spend a few mins in my new garden and feel like I took an antidepressant. I know you feel physically ill a lot so take baby steps but do try. What about a 10 min walk a few times a week? I know you love nature so you need to be in it.
Nanita
Well-known member
Hey you.. thank you for your words!!! <3
Thank you for the ideas and suggestions.. Yeah being isolated for too much time makes me even more nervous around people, it is beneficial to have some socializing.
I guess I don't have enough power to begin anything or participate in anything, and I fear the risk of being a nervous wreck or completely panicking.
I do go for walks, once or twice a day. Except for those days when I can't pull myself together or I can't handle strangers looking at me like I'm a freak.
Right now I think taking any class is out of the question. Maybe I'll be able to do this in the future, but Idk.
I love gardening, I just don't really have anywhere to do that. There is this park nearby where people have little gardens where they plant vegetables and herbs, each person pays a small fee to own/rent their own little square shaped garden. When I first heard of that, I liked the idea, but I just KNOW that I can never ever do that because it involves being around people and contacting people regarding practical things.... and if I was there, I couldn't handle anyone randomly approaching me.
It's not that I haven't tried things and done things in the past - I just feel done and broken after so many times of panicking or feeling like an outsider while being with people, causing me to feel even more depressed. 99% of the times that I've done things, it turned out to be reminders of how I don't function and that I should just avoid doing anything besides the basics (sleeping, eating, etc)
God I'm sorry for being so hopeless and negative
I do love when you suggest things, don't ever stop that, it's good for me to think about possibilitis rather than isolation.With age, unfortunately, comes experiences and many memories of failures. When I was younger I could more easily do things, hoping it would go better than the last time. Now it's like... I KNOW I can't function.
Right now I can't get cold water from the tap in the kitchen because the cold water knob came off .... At the same time, the tap is dripping like crazy, and so is the showerhead in th bathroom, dripping like crazy. Solution : call the landlord and ask if he would come and fix it. Conclusion : me being too afraid of calling.
Anxiety & avoidant personality disorder in a nutshell.
:kickingmyself:
MollyBeGood
Well-known member
Nanita, thank you for your beautiful and painful honesty about your current situation. I say "Current Situation" because it will change, my friend. Things will get better for you! Please keep up with the walking. I know myself I have trouble with that esp. now with the bigger bunch of people out and about around me. I think too we HAVE to force ourselves to do things -things that make us highly uncomfortable and that scare the pee out of us so that we can change. I know you want to change and don't want to be stuck like this forever. Try doing one thing each week that pushes you outside your comfort zone. You have to do this or you will never be better. There are zero short cuts. I will be your biotch friend too and say please go and at least help someone weed or plant their plot of veggies. Tell them, honestly, that you struggle with anxiety and you want to get better by gardening. Take photos when you are out and make a journal of your progress. This is your life and only you can make it better. I will do the same. I will take photos more and get out more, too. I have no desire to be a shut-in. We deserve better and we both have far to much to offer the world to hide away from it. I won't let this or you drop! *hugs*
MollyBeGood
Well-known member
You're never too old to change, and it's never too late to get better.
I thought this was a great story.
How is your dad btw?
http://youtu.be/ychx4pw4Ibo
I thought this was a great story.
How is your dad btw?
http://youtu.be/ychx4pw4Ibo
Nanita
Well-known member
Thank you! <3 I so appreciate your words and I so appreciate having met you here. What would I do without you ?
The day when I wrote all that depressive stuff, I sure was feeling down.
Yesterday I was in a pretty good mood, I felt pretty good.
Today I'm totally depressed again. Woke up with pain in my back, couldn't even do basic stretching/the few yoga poses I do daily.
Typically, if I feel tired or in pain when I wake up, I get depressed, I stay inside, sometimes stay in bed for hours, and that is a guarantee for a day of depression. Sometimes, getting out can make me feel better. However sometimes nothing works, and getting out can sometimes make me feel even more miserable and lonely.
You are right about getting out of the comfort zone, all though even just going to the grocery store can be out of my comfort zone
Haha.I like to suggest to myself: "go somewhere you haven't been before, once a week". And I don't mean going far away, just go somewhere like to a park or some street in town that I haven't been to before. And sometimes go to more exciting or challenging places.
But it's like I need to get out and do things, and at the same time I also need more safety and peace within myself and in my home. Being at home doesn't make me feel relaxed, necessarily. I'm constantly worried about all sorts of things.
Maybe being more used to getting out can actually help me feel more safe and less afraid.
Argh. Right now I feel miserable and my back hurts.
I'll take a shower now and maybe I'll feel better.
MollyBeGood, you are awesome.
Nanita
Well-known member
I just watched this video! Thank you, I like it. I'll watch more of his videos.
My dad is so-so, but better than before... I see him once in a while. He is still able to enjoy reading books and watching tv & movies so that's nice. He gets help in the house with food, personal hygiene, laundry and cleaning. He is definitely much better than he was when his situation was completely horrible.
Nanita
Well-known member
I fully realized that I definitely don't like living in a city, I only thrive in the countryside, in the peaceful company of nature, birds, flowers, a cat. No loud neighbours, except for the occational lawn mowing or child laughter, which is okay with me, as long as people don't get too close or show up for some reason. I recently got to spend 5 days in the countryside, in my little hometown. Hopefully I will go backlater this month for a while. I wish I lived there, maybe not in that exact town, but somewhere like that.
Sadly I live in a city, and my apartment building is inhabited by loud young people. God, I can't stand their loud parties, loud music (if only it was good music I could possibly appreciate it, but it's bad music, in my opinion) and the way most of them slam their doors all day long, and nights too. The constant loud door slamming bothers me so much and makes me more nervous than I already am.
Sadly I live in a city, and my apartment building is inhabited by loud young people. God, I can't stand their loud parties, loud music (if only it was good music I could possibly appreciate it, but it's bad music, in my opinion) and the way most of them slam their doors all day long, and nights too. The constant loud door slamming bothers me so much and makes me more nervous than I already am.
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Odo
Banned
I can relate. Every time someone goes by on a motorcycle or drives by with 'dat bass' thumping I comment to myself. I'm thinking about buying eggs and inventing some sort of device so that I can shoot them at these cars.