Do I have OCD or some other kind of mental disorder.

I think this is going to be long, but I need to talk to someone/people. I am too embarrassed to see a doctor. I would be over appreciative if someone could read and reply, and would feel so much better if someone could relate.

I am a hypochondriac but more in the sense of mental illness, not cancer or diseases. So far I have had bipolar, dyslexia, schizophrenia, you name it I've "had it." But there is something I know I have that is real. I've always known that I've been abnormal, but could never figure out what is was. Then I started to read about OCD. The reaction I got was different from the other fake illnesses I "diagnose" my self on a regular basis. These symptoms are real.

I have a fear of going blind. To make the paranoia go away I look at my eyes in a mirror. It's only temporary relief. This would be on the top of my list of distressing thoughts. I can't say this out loud in fear of it coming true. That is why I can not speak to a doctor. If a mirror is not near me I will look at my eyes through the reflection of my mobile phones screen.

My second biggest fear is DEATH. I know this is common, but it freaks me out to the point that I am scared I will have an anxiety attack. I smoke cigarettes like they're my only source of oxygen. Almost a pack of 40's per day. It doesn't help with my fear of death, but I am addicted.

I do have little rituals, they change all the time. They can last for months, some for years. Most of them leave and then new ones take their place. I've had them since I was 9 years old. My mum thought I had turrets Syndrome. I would open my mouth really wide to stretch the corners of my mouth every few minutes. Every time I picked up a glass to get a drink I had to shake the glass in my hand.

The things I do now:

The remote control head and cigarette head can not be facing me or something bad will happen.

When I am on the computer I have to press the space button every now and then even when I don't actually have to use the space button. I also have to right click every few seconds if the mouse is in my hand.

Cupboard doors can not be left open, I will always shut them, even if it's going out of my way. If I don't shut them, I won't be able to concentrate on anything else or relax.

I can not do things or say things twice in a row. If I say or do things twice in a row I have to say or do it a third time.

I have to touch things with my left hand. If I touch something with my right hand I will have to touch it with my left hand. I am a left hander, but I would love to stimulate the other side of my brain.

I do not care about germs, and I hate cleaning. When I do clean the house I start with one room and I fuss over every little single spot and detail. It takes me hours to clean a room where it would take 20 minutes for another person. I think that's why I don't clean my house much, because all my energy goes into small things like scrubbing between tiles even though they are not dirty. My house is as if a bomb went off. I wish I could just do quick tidy ups like a normal person and not care about every little detail of everything. I guess to put this in a non confusing way; I will spend 20-30 minutes polishing a single floor tile to make it extra shiny and extra clean. By the time I am finished polishing the tile I am too tired to do anything else. So after 20-30 minutes of cleaning it looks like I have done nothing unless someone is able to notice the extra shiny tile (not tile's just tile).

These are just some of the many things I have to deal with.

I think up bad thoughts, not intentionally, they just pop up. It mostly concerns death to people I love. The thoughts re appear time and time again. sometimes it feels like I am bringing the thoughts back on purpose, but I don't want them.

I went through a stage where nothing could touch my ribs while I sleep. I don't like my cats or people touching my ribs, I can't breath. It was so bad that even my own T-shirt could not touch my ribs. I couldn't sleep without a top because the bed sheet would be touching my ribs. sometimes I think of my self as the princess and the pea, because even the slightest crease the bed sheets touching my rips I start to panic.

Sometimes I make up my own memories and then hope to hell those fake memories do not store in my neuroplasticity (I hope I don't mistake those fake memories for real ones in ten years).

And that is some of my story. It feels good to talk about it even if no one reads it. I've never written it down. Does this sound like OCD or something much more insane?

Thank you.

Yes it sounds like you have some OCD habits however I don't want to tell you this definitely because you also mentioned you are a hypochondriac and therefore you may be over-diagnosing yourself. I have one question--how does your heavy cigarette-smoking relate to your fear of death? Is it just a form of release? I know I used to smoke heavily when I was stressed out. But now when I think of smoking cigarettes, I feel like I'm smoking to my death, and I don't like it anymore. I'm just wondering if you are afraid of death, how does cigarette smoking release that fear, since it can ultimately lead to death?

Now however I am trying to use more positive coping skills with my stress and anxiety. I still struggle sometimes, but rather than cutting myself or smoking during times of high stress, I try going on a short walk and see if my mood goes up.

I have my own little rituals as well that I believe could be considered OCD, but my case is not severe so I just try to find ways to deal with my anxiety. For example, I mentioned on another thread that I have an "eye-picking" habit where I can spend lots of time picking threads of mucus out of my eye. I also have an issue similar to yours about touching--I feel "uneven" sometimes if I touch something with one hand and not the other, so I will sometimes touch it with the other which looks peculiar in some cases. I also have some mild over-checking habits (like with locking my car door, that type of thing). When I was a child I had a thing about flicking the light switch first with one hand then the other, but I've gotten over that for the most part. These are just a few of the habits that I believe are "OCD" that I do.

I think it is good you are analyzing yourself and your behavior and what may be going on with you, but try not to over-analyze yourself. It's not embarrassing either, it's perfectly normal to be concerned about what's going on with you--and not only that, but the fact that you are aware of these things is a positive. A lot of people haven't the slightest clue or insight into what's going on with them. The thing I would be concerned about is since you believe you are a hypochondriac, you have to know what's real and what's not real. Sometimes when it comes to psychology, people are too acutely aware of every little thing and are quick to put a label on it, especially nowadays. Be careful of that.

You say you are too afraid to talk to a doctor--perhaps you could start with a talk therapist, if you're comfortable? If you don't like it, you can stop going, but it may be a good way to at least get some professional insight into what's going on with you--and it may be a good way to release some of these feelings through talking to someone who will listen.

Anyways, hope this helped, and good luck!

Etbow23 said:

For example, I mentioned on another thread that I have an "eye-picking" habit where I can spend lots of time picking threads of mucus out of my eye.

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OMG I do this too!!! I wash my hands first of course. Maybe it's because I don't get enough sleep but I seem to get excessive amounts of eye goo. I sit in front of the mirror, pull my bottom lid back and then gently scrape along the pink part of my eye and end up removing this sort of stringy thing and sometimes I can grab one end and stretch it to get it out. If it still feels like there's something in my eye I'll have to wash my hands again and get the rest of it. Sometimes I'll even notice a blur and feel it right on my iris/pupil. Then I have to blink it out of the way or splash water in my eye to get at it.::

You without doubt have OCD. Hyphochandria can be OCD as well and it falls under "intrusive thoughts" part of OCD. I have had all the pad thoughts and then some.....

awkwardamanda said:

OMG I do this too!!! I wash my hands first of course. Maybe it's because I don't get enough sleep but I seem to get excessive amounts of eye goo. I sit in front of the mirror, pull my bottom lid back and then gently scrape along the pink part of my eye and end up removing this sort of stringy thing and sometimes I can grab one end and stretch it to get it out. If it still feels like there's something in my eye I'll have to wash my hands again and get the rest of it. Sometimes I'll even notice a blur and feel it right on my iris/pupil. Then I have to blink it out of the way or splash water in my eye to get at it.::

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It's good to know there are more who do this....i wash my hands first too but sometimes when i feel something in my eye and i'm not near a sink i'll sort of rub it out then worry later that i've gotten germs into my eyes

And yes if I feel something there I MUST pick it more, like you said!

The thing you mentioned about the remote control and pc keyboard match me exactly. Our ocd can be about anything but we also have a lot of things in common which always astounds me. As for cleaning the same place over and over again when you hate cleaning up this is the same ocd my father has, it should take him 20 mins to clean the kitchen but he does it really thoroughly and even when he doesn't need to he can do it for up to 5 hours every single day. He gets up really early in the morning just to do it and really dreads it but does it anyway.

You can't just stop so you should try trimming down your work rituals little by little every time you do it, the more you get used to it the less you will end up doing eventually.

I have these types of problems, but how do I stop them? If I try to just not do them, then I feel bad and start doing the rituals again. They're not ruining my life, but I am tired of them. Did anyone just not do the rituals for a long time and then felt better instead of going back to it eventually?