lovelove
Member
I was just wondering, because I have had extremely low confidence since the third grade. [I'm 16 and in the 11th grade now] I finally decided to try to learn how to like myself in the 8th grade. & ever since the 8th grade it hasn't raised at all...it's a miserable feeling (not trying to sound mopey) I have some symptoms of avoidant personaility disorder & Selective Mutism disorder.& I also have a feeling that someone is ALWAYS talking about me.(Going to see a psychologist Jan 30,2009) just to see what is really wrong with me.I've been feeling this way for so long..
I guess what really made me come on here today is because today in school,when I went to go make up a test during study hall, these 2 boys & 1 girl was joking &making fun of me...the dude was like "Do you model" & "your smile is so pretty,smile for me" (FYI:I'm suppose to be getting braces this summer because of some of the gaps between my teeth) It was humiliating, I didn't know what to do.Take up for myself so they can joke me even harder? Or just ignore them so I can seem like a loser while they continue.The girl asked me if I got my eye brows arched & I said "no,I'm scared to since I don't have that much hair on my eye brows," trying to be friendly about the situation.She said "I bet the boys be like damn you sexy in the hall way" while the two boys laughed.It hurt and still does hurt so bad.I cried for a little while after I got out of school today. & this isn't the first time this has happened to me. I feel really ugly to the point where I hate looking@ mirrors.& I also hate going places like the mall & stuff so people won't see me.My sister is the complete opposite of me!She is beautiful and was very popular when she was in high school (she graduated last year & is now in college)She had a lot of friends,a pretty smile, and has had some boyfriends.& since she was a star on the track team, she was in a wonderful shape.I was never jealous of her,but I praise her for what type of person she is.She's beautiful,nice,smart, & was actually the one who suggested I see a psychologist.Since I'm so quiet & extremely shy,I don't have any friends to talk to about stuff like this and to cheer me up.I only have about 2 associates I talk to in school.) I honestly just feel like sh*t.I'm speaking from my heart when I say this, & really not trying to feel sorry for myself, because I know people out there are in worse situations than I am.But this feeling I have is so painful.The fact that I can't be my true self in public & have no friends is on my mind 24/7, all the time. & when I say all the time,I mean ALL THE TIME.From the moment I wake up until I go to sleep,each and every day,it's like prison.I've already planned to start working out (I'm not fat,but I'd like to get into a great shape) & I'm going to get contacts so I don't have to wear glasses anymore,wear my hair down.& other stuff..I actually think I'd be pretty if I did little stuff like that ^.But phsyically changing is easy..my mentality has been set like this for so long of being quiet,ugly & just non social at all.I'm really nice to everyone I talk to, but somthing holds me back from being my true self and not so shy about everything!
& another thing I worry about is when I do up end up getting this "make over" (not just physically,mentally also) will people at my school even accept me? I've been known as the quiet,shy ugly girl since my freshmen year. I'm afraid they will not want to be friends with me because of my past.
I guess what really made me come on here today is because today in school,when I went to go make up a test during study hall, these 2 boys & 1 girl was joking &making fun of me...the dude was like "Do you model" & "your smile is so pretty,smile for me" (FYI:I'm suppose to be getting braces this summer because of some of the gaps between my teeth) It was humiliating, I didn't know what to do.Take up for myself so they can joke me even harder? Or just ignore them so I can seem like a loser while they continue.The girl asked me if I got my eye brows arched & I said "no,I'm scared to since I don't have that much hair on my eye brows," trying to be friendly about the situation.She said "I bet the boys be like damn you sexy in the hall way" while the two boys laughed.It hurt and still does hurt so bad.I cried for a little while after I got out of school today. & this isn't the first time this has happened to me. I feel really ugly to the point where I hate looking@ mirrors.& I also hate going places like the mall & stuff so people won't see me.My sister is the complete opposite of me!She is beautiful and was very popular when she was in high school (she graduated last year & is now in college)She had a lot of friends,a pretty smile, and has had some boyfriends.& since she was a star on the track team, she was in a wonderful shape.I was never jealous of her,but I praise her for what type of person she is.She's beautiful,nice,smart, & was actually the one who suggested I see a psychologist.Since I'm so quiet & extremely shy,I don't have any friends to talk to about stuff like this and to cheer me up.I only have about 2 associates I talk to in school.) I honestly just feel like sh*t.I'm speaking from my heart when I say this, & really not trying to feel sorry for myself, because I know people out there are in worse situations than I am.But this feeling I have is so painful.The fact that I can't be my true self in public & have no friends is on my mind 24/7, all the time. & when I say all the time,I mean ALL THE TIME.From the moment I wake up until I go to sleep,each and every day,it's like prison.I've already planned to start working out (I'm not fat,but I'd like to get into a great shape) & I'm going to get contacts so I don't have to wear glasses anymore,wear my hair down.& other stuff..I actually think I'd be pretty if I did little stuff like that ^.But phsyically changing is easy..my mentality has been set like this for so long of being quiet,ugly & just non social at all.I'm really nice to everyone I talk to, but somthing holds me back from being my true self and not so shy about everything!
& another thing I worry about is when I do up end up getting this "make over" (not just physically,mentally also) will people at my school even accept me? I've been known as the quiet,shy ugly girl since my freshmen year. I'm afraid they will not want to be friends with me because of my past.