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Old 06-06-2010
lyricalliaisons's Avatar
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The title probably sounds weird, but I was wondering.... Does anyone else feel like the real you is trapped inside of yourself? Like you can't be yourself & the real you just won't come out & is buried inside of you somewhere?

This might not make sense to a lot (or most) people, but ever since I was little, I've always felt that way. I've felt like there's some sort of barrier keeping me from the rest of the world & keeping me from being able to fully exist within it and be myself. I wrote a blog once about what it's like to live my life life inside of a bubble, because that's sort-of what it feels like. I never posted it here because I don't post blogs here (obviously), but that's the closest I can come to really describing it. It feels like I've spent my life inside of a bubble, or a piece of film, or some other invisible barrier that keeps me from being able to really be a part of the world & really be me in it. But really, it exists within me. Like there's a solid, yet invisible (to the rest of the world) thing keeping me from being able to fully participate or relate or exist in the world, amongst people. I feel like the real me is trapped inside of me, inside of my body, maybe, & I can't get out. I know all of that sounds odd, & I've done my best to try to explain it, but I don't think I've done a very good job.

Does any of that make sense to anyone and can anyone relate? & if so, please explain.
Thanks


Btw, I had no idea where to put this at, so sorry if it's in the wrong forum. Someone can move it to the proper place, though I hope it's not to "Off Topic" because I don't think it deserves to be there.
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Old 06-06-2010
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I can relate. Inside of me there's a fun person but sadly the anxiety stops that person from coming out. I bet that a lot of people have judged me for being stuck up, arrogant, boring etc because they can't see through the barrier.
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Old 06-06-2010
boro's Avatar
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No, that doesnt sound wierd at all. In fact its the most un-wierd and relatable thing ive read all day. In fact im feeling like that right now and i always do after and during anxiety provoking encounters. In this case though it wasnt THAT bad. The reason i think i was feeling so bottled up is because of how much i wanted to be "myself" so to speak in this situation and for it to go perfectly...all due to pressure we place upon ourselves as well as the longing to be a certain way. However i have found in the past that if you just accept that something bad will happen - that you WILL embarress yourself at some point (which can be very hard to do, for me at least) - that relieves the pressure and the nerves, perhaps not enough to fully let my 'inner fun person' come out but its a start.
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Old 06-06-2010
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I feel the same recluse. I don't blame them, they just don't understand.
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Old 06-06-2010
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Quote:
Originally Posted by recluse View Post
I can relate. Inside of me there's a fun person but sadly the anxiety stops that person from coming out. I bet that a lot of people have judged me for being stuck up, arrogant, boring etc because they can't see through the barrier.
Couldn't have said it better myself. Or like I've said before, an extrovert trapped in an SA sufferer's body.
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Old 06-06-2010
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I think I know what you mean.

I tell people it's like that bad Eddie Murphy movie "Meet Dave". I feel as if I spent life on auto-pilot and just observed things and never engaged in them myself.

It's a disassociative disorder but I get confused on them sometimes...depersonalization...derealization....s ome combination thereof....
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Old 06-06-2010
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I totally can relate to this. Ever since I was a little kid I have wanted to be able to talk to others and be more social without worrying about blushing or sounding like an idiot. I want to be able to talk to women without feeling like a complete moron, or feeling inferior all the time. The frustration is unreal at times.
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Old 06-06-2010
 

same here, except i cant just say it is the case when in social situations but even when im alone :/
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Old 06-06-2010
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Yes! I don't think I've ever been my "real self" to anyone, except on this site.
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Old 06-06-2010
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Yes! this is exactly how i feel and what i've been trying to explain to my counselors for years now. I feel inside me is this very happy, confident, person who will follow her dreams and try hard to get there. But then on the outside there is this depressed, anxious me who gives up on my dreams the second anxiety kicks in.

If im at partys the 'real me' wants so much to get up and dance, be silly, enjoy myself, while sober. But the anxious me on the outside is thinking, "oh god, no, you'll look stupid, people will laugh at you not with you, you silly girl just sit in the corner where you belong".
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Old 06-06-2010
LadyWench's Avatar
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Yes. All the time. I tear myself apart and can't escape it.
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Old 06-06-2010
lyricalliaisons's Avatar
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Thanks for all your answers

The reason I wasn't sure where to put this, though, is because it isn't really anxiety-related in my case, even though that's the category I put it in. I don't feel that way only after or during social encounters, I feel that way always. Like there's a barrier separating me from the world, especially the living, human world. Plus, I never have the embarrassment or thoughts others have. I just have something keeping me from being able to function amongst people. I know I'm still not explaining it right because it doesn't seem like many or any people understood what I was trying to say.

But I still loved reading your answers & I'm glad some of you seemed to get something out of it.
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Old 07-04-2010
Mythos & Logos's Avatar
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I understand this as well, the anxiety & depression is a barrier to the brighter side of my character which people might enjoy if they had more access to it. People have a hard time reaching through that barrier to see me & so too is my inner character struggling to reach out beyond it to access them
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Old 07-30-2010
Kiwong's Avatar
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There's a animated cartoon I really like about this called Happy Angel

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Old 07-30-2010
 

I always feel like I could be more active, creative, productive without my mental disorders. Sometimes I feel like I could be much more myself if I could leave this things behind.
Same thing with girls: I think I could be a much nicer and happier guy, if I could have a girlfriend. But girls refuse me because I'm not so nice and happy. A vicious circle.
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Old 07-30-2010
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Ah wow you described how I feel perfectly

Outside of the motions and reactions, there's a me for whom the world is intangible, out of reach. I try to touch or to reach out but I hit a glass barrier, like I'm in a glass cube. I can see the world, but I cannot touch it.
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Old 07-30-2010
 

Hi, this is how I relate to what you are saying...It has nothing to do with personality. It's almost like having amnesia. There is something about me that I cannot completely identify. It feels unreachable. I am aware of it, I can feel it's presence, but it cannot adequately be expressed to others or myself. Unlike yourself, however, instead of feeling it inside of me, I feel it around me and beyond. It's the true me-my supraconsciousness. It doesn't mean that how I come across is not me, it's only a small part...a very small part. The way I visually express it is that we are a light ray passing through a prism, I am the whole colour spectrum, but I can only identify one colour, and that is what everyone else sees too. To tell you the truth, I think everyone is like this, but not everyone is aware of it.
This body feels like a trap.
My little one needs my attention right now. I have to go. But just so you know, I was having some severe angst yesterday night about this very topic. Than you immensely for bringing it up.
Blezzings,
Rizing
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Old 07-30-2010
arsenalwa's Avatar
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you see, I always "feel" things, but never be able to express them like some of you do in some of these threads.
I've always felt like everything you've said. Like trapped inside my body. I even sometimes feel like the true me is just watching the world... including my body... like it is not really mine, if that makes any sense. Like you just can't reach the real you.
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Old 07-30-2010
lyricalliaisons's Avatar
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kiwong View Post
There's a animated cartoon I really like about this called Happy Angel

YouTube - Happy Angel - Michael leunig
Wow! That's amazing
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Old 07-30-2010
lyricalliaisons's Avatar
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Quote:
Originally Posted by arsenalwa View Post
you see, I always "feel" things, but never be able to express them like some of you do in some of these threads.
I've always felt like everything you've said. Like trapped inside my body. I even sometimes feel like the true me is just watching the world... including my body... like it is not really mine, if that makes any sense. Like you just can't reach the real you.
"I even sometimes feel like the true me is just watching the world..." <-- That's how I feel. I'm also the same way about feeling things, but not being able to express them in real life. I can express myself through writing most of the time, but I seem emotionless most of the time (other than my nervousness or awkwardness) when around people.
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