Originally Posted by 5020
Sorry to provoke any negative emotions and this is probably a thread several times over, but i need some help.
Basically this avoidant personality, just makes me feel weak. Why can't i just open my mouth and say something... It's just frustrating. I mean it's like easy. All of this is in my head. All i am doing is making myself miserable... If i could make a few friends my life would be great.
But then do people actually wanna be my friend. Maybe i am annoying and boring and irrating and stupid and in actual fact it's not in my head. In actual fact i am just a loser quiet simply.
Then another thing that has just made me feel like shit today is the fact my mum wants to come and visit me at uni> I told her no. NOT because i am ashamed of her. But because i am ashamd of myself. Because i am not living the 'uni' life tht i want to live. Because i am not at the centre of things or even have any cool friends. I don't want her to realise what an actual loser i am.
Sorry for this post. But well i just need to get this out...
Don't apologize that's why this forum is here. I am going to be blunt with you, and I hope you won't be offended.
This is a serious illness that WILL take your life (figuratively or literaly) unless you do something about it. It's not going to go away, ever, unless you get the proper help. Don't have any illusions, if you need examples of people suffering for decades I can provide them easily. Suicide is also a possibility for SA sufferers. In short, you need to understand that this is a life or death struggle which you must win at all costs. You cannot allow this to continue.
Are you willing to face the possibility that you may really be a loser after all? Maybe you are stupid, boring, and irritating. Maybe you are a complete dork no one could ever like. Maybe youre not meant to have friends. And maybe youre life is never going to be okay. But, I will tell you something: It's not going to get worse than it already is. You are already friendless, desperately unhappy, living as a shell of your true self, probably thinking of suicide frequently, and hiding from people you love or find interesting. You already are DEAD inside - this is a living DEATH.
You have nothing to lose by admitting the awful truth to yourself and everything to gain, because WHAT IF YOU ARE WRONG? What if you are not a real loser after all? In fact, what if people would be friends with you knowing all your most despicable flaws? Even better, what if you didn't need others' approval to have self-worth? You won't know unless you face your fears head on and smash them, and you can succeed at that only by critically analyzing your phobia, discovering the supporting beliefs, and examining and debunking the evidence supporting them. Basicly, CBT. There are a number of techniques which will help but they all require honesty and bravery. You can definately do it, but it won't be easy. Don't forget that we are all in this together (I know it sounds corny) and you and I are in the same boat. I still don't know if I will even survive this, but Im willing to find out.