Does Your Mind Involuntarily Seize On The Negative?

theoutsider

Well-known member
I've noticed that every day I seem to find myself focusing on the one negative thing that happened to me. If several negative things happened that day, I will focus on the biggest one. Most times, it's something that shouldn't even be a big deal. I know this yet I find myself thinking about it, turning it over and over in my head until it seems like a huge problem or slight against me. Yesterday was a fairly good day, yet I found myself focusing on the one exchange with my manager in which he seemed unhappy with what I was telling him. The thing is, he wasn't upset with me, he was upset with the news I had to deliver which I really had no control over. Yet all night when I got home, I couldn't stop wondering if his reaction wasn't him blaming me for it. Today when I talked to him it was obvious he wasn't upset at me over the news.

I had a good day today, meaning nothing went wrong. Yet, on the drive home I found myself caught up in the news that my co-worker had been assigned a project that I had previously assisted on and wondering what must have happened to keep management from assigning it to me since I already had experience with it. It isn't even a project that I enjoyed working on or wanted to do yet there I was letting it get me down. It's like I'm always subconsciously searching for that one negative thing that happened so I can obsess over it. Just wondering if anyone else experiences this.
 

Sacrament

Well-known member
Usually it's what the mind tries to do, but I try to focus on the good things so they can overpower the bad. I'm worse at being positive when it comes to change, I always assume it'll make things worse instead of better, which is troubling because if you struggle against life's natural flow, you're struggling against pretty much everything.
 

IntheLabyrinth

Well-known member
I really hate how knowing that is what we do still doesn't make it any easier to change. Thinking about it for hours and hours or until the next day is miserable! I also blame people's moods on myself all the time even if I haven't seen or talked to them until that point when they are mad or upset. And don't even get me started on how a meaningless, insignificant mistake can feel like I just hit the big red button and have started the nuclear armageddon. As far as perceived slights, do any of you have any advice on how to stop that perception even when you know they are not doing it to you personally? I work at a hotel and so many people put their CC's on the counter when they see my hand there ready to accept it, and then put their hand out for me to hand them their room key. It makes me so angry that I feel like I turn into the Hulk but without all the muscles.
 

NamiraWilhelm

Well-known member
^ this is what I don't get about the majority of advice offered. 'Don't do that/you should do this/think of it this way' .... like, how do I actually make that a voluntary choice??
 

Sacrament

Well-known member
I really hate how knowing that is what we do still doesn't make it any easier to change. Thinking about it for hours and hours or until the next day is miserable! I also blame people's moods on myself all the time even if I haven't seen or talked to them until that point when they are mad or upset. And don't even get me started on how a meaningless, insignificant mistake can feel like I just hit the big red button and have started the nuclear armageddon. As far as perceived slights, do any of you have any advice on how to stop that perception even when you know they are not doing it to you personally? I work at a hotel and so many people put their CC's on the counter when they see my hand there ready to accept it, and then put their hand out for me to hand them their room key. It makes me so angry that I feel like I turn into the Hulk but without all the muscles.

To most people, I think, it's just a matter of preference. I prefer to put money (or whatever) on the counter instead of directly in the person's hand, but sometimes I do it. I guess people don't really go for direct contact in those situations, fearing it to be awkward or similar. Often times I don't like cashiers to hand me my change hand to hand because I'm afraid my hand is sweaty/clammy and so on.
 

IntheLabyrinth

Well-known member
To most people, I think, it's just a matter of preference. I prefer to put money (or whatever) on the counter instead of directly in the person's hand, but sometimes I do it. I guess people don't really go for direct contact in those situations, fearing it to be awkward or similar. Often times I don't like cashiers to hand me my change hand to hand because I'm afraid my hand is sweaty/clammy and so on.

Thanks, I've never thought of people having clammy hands. Everyone else is always confident and perfect in my eyes, so they couldn't possibly be sweating. Maybe they didn't actually want me to hand it back but their hands were just there waiting to take it off the counter. It's weird how hearing you say it is just your preference means so much more than when I tell myself that's the reason and not them being rude. My preference is to hand it to people so i feel i should be treated the same.
 

Sacrament

Well-known member
That's what happens when you assume the worst! The most likely scenario is simply that they prefer to put things on the counter instead of handing them to the person in front of them, and it had/has absolutely nothing to do with you.
 

squidgee

Well-known member
Just thought this related well to the topic at hand.
Negativity bias - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

^ this is what I don't get about the majority of advice offered. 'Don't do that/you should do this/think of it this way' .... like, how do I actually make that a voluntary choice??

I often feel this way too as well, but I have to admit that the only way forward is to just do it, which is hard I know, but its ultimately up to ourselves to put in the extra effort and really try to stop reinforcing our old habits.
 

theoutsider

Well-known member
I really hate how knowing that is what we do still doesn't make it any easier to change. Thinking about it for hours and hours or until the next day is miserable! I also blame people's moods on myself all the time even if I haven't seen or talked to them until that point when they are mad or upset. And don't even get me started on how a meaningless, insignificant mistake can feel like I just hit the big red button and have started the nuclear armageddon. As far as perceived slights, do any of you have any advice on how to stop that perception even when you know they are not doing it to you personally? I work at a hotel and so many people put their CC's on the counter when they see my hand there ready to accept it, and then put their hand out for me to hand them their room key. It makes me so angry that I feel like I turn into the Hulk but without all the muscles.

This reminds me of an old experience I had years ago when I worked at a book store. My co-worker (a lady who is older than me and to this day, is one of the smartest people I've ever met) were talking about how some customers put their money on the counter when they can see us holding out our hands for it. We thought it was terribly rude. I never acted on my irritation but one day she did. I heard her telling the customer through clenched teeth to put the money in her hand when he started to place it on the counter. He did but it didn't go over well with the other customer standing in line behind him. When it was his turn to pay, he purposely put the money on the counter, daring her to tell him to do otherwise. She actually came across as the rude person, almost bullying the previous customer to do what she wanted. That's when I realized putting money on the counter instead of in our hands probably wasn't anything personal, it was probably just what they preferred to do.
 

sorrow1

Well-known member
Yep! People can give me many compliments, your a great singer!, your an amazing guitarist, your really good looking, your a nice guy, your a good friend etc etc. But that one negative comment someone says or I think Ive upset someone and that's all I can think about all day long and a good day can turn into a crap today in an instant for me and Im depressed again until I can get over it.
 

theoutsider

Well-known member
I've never considered myself depressed but I wonder if this is a big part of what it is. Always letting the small negatives rule your day.

Yesterday, it happened again. Having a terrific day at work then had to call this one company where the guy was a complete D-bag from the minute he picked up the phone until we hung up. Even though it was obvious he had some kind of problem (seemed like he hated his job), I still found myself focusing on that conversation for the rest of the day and getting mad at myself for not really telling him off even though I was pretty firm with him and handled the episode well.
 

AtTheGates

Banned
yeah this tends to happen to me but after a while of worrying my brain just starts producing humor...idk why but I think its like a survival mechanism or something...or a way of coping with stress/negativity
 

theoutsider

Well-known member
yeah this tends to happen to me but after a while of worrying my brain just starts producing humor...idk why but I think its like a survival mechanism or something...or a way of coping with stress/negativity

LOL! I sometimes do that also. I guess you can only stress about something but for so long.
 

Predacon

Well-known member
I think it's pretty common to fixate on bad things that happen and forget all the good things. Just human nature.
 

arjuna

Well-known member
I won't tire of recommending The Power Of Now: it guides you to stop doing this. It can take years, btw, so be prepared to put in the effort.
 
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