Emotional manipulation

Remus

Remus

Moderator
Staff member
I recently caught up with an old ex from the 90's on facebook, the freindship did not last and it kinda reminded me why I walked in the first place. I found a good article online that is good to spot the warning signs.

Spotting Emotional Manipulation

Be on your guard ;)
 
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Remus

Remus

Moderator
Staff member
Emotional Manipulation said:
1.
There is no use in trying to be honest with an emotional manipulator. You make a statement and it will be turned around. Example: I am really angry that you forgot my birthday. Response - "It makes me feel sad that you would think I would forget your birthday, I should have told you of the great personal stress I am facing at the moment - but you see I didn’t want to trouble you. You are right I should have put all this pain (don’t be surprised to see real tears at this point) aside and focused on your birthday. Sorry." Even as you are hearing the words you get the creeped out sensation that they really do NOT mean they are sorry at all - but since they’ve said the words you’re pretty much left with nothing more to say. Either that or you suddenly find yourself babysitting their angst!! Under all circumstances if you feel this angle is being played - don’t capitulate! Do not care take - do not accept an apology that feels like bull****. If it feels like bull**** - it probably is. Rule number one - if dealing with an emotional blackmailer TRUST your gut. TRUST your senses. Once an emotional manipulator finds a successful maneuver - it’s added to their hit list and you’ll be fed a steady diet of this ****.

2.
An emotional manipulator is the picture of a willing helper. If you ask them to do something they will almost always agree - that is IF they didn’t volunteer to do it first. Then when you say, "ok thanks" - they make a bunch of heavy sighs, or other non verbal signs that let you know they don’t really want to do whatever said thing happens to be. When you tell them it doesn’t seem like they want to do whatever - they will turn it around and try to make it seem like OF COURSE they wanted to and how unreasonable you are. This is a form of crazy making - which is something emotional manipulators are very good at. Rule number two - If an emotional manipulator said YES - make them accountable for it. Do NOT buy into the sighs and subtleties - if they don’t want to do it - make them tell you it up front - or just put on the walk-man headphones and run a bath and leave them to their theater.

3.
Crazy making - saying one thing and later assuring you they did not say it. If you find yourself in a relationship where you figure you should start keeping a log of what’s been said because you are beginning to question your own sanity --You are experiencing emotional manipulation. An emotional manipulator is an expert in turning things around, rationalizing, justifying and explaining things away. They can lie so smoothly that you can sit looking at black and they’ll call it white - and argue so persuasively that you begin to doubt your very senses. Over a period of time this is so insidious and eroding it can literally alter your sense of reality. WARNING: Emotional Manipulation is VERY Dangerous! It is very disconcerting for an emotional manipulator if you begin carrying a pad of paper and a pen and making notations during conversations. Feel free to let them know you just are feeling so "forgetful" these days that you want to record their words for posterity’s sake. The damndest thing about this is that having to do such a thing is a clear example for why you should be seriously thinking about removing yourself from range in the first place. If you’re toting a notebook to safeguard yourself - that ol’ bull**** meter should be flashing steady by now!

4.

Guilt. Emotional manipulators are excellent guilt mongers. They can make you feel guilty for speaking up or not speaking up, for being emotional or not being emotional enough, for giving and caring, or for not giving and caring enough. Any thing is fair game and open to guilt with an emotional manipulator. Emotional manipulators seldom express their needs or desires openly - they get what they want through emotional manipulation. Guilt is not the only form of this but it is a potent one. Most of us are pretty conditioned to do whatever is necessary to reduce our feelings of guilt. Another powerful emotion that is used is sympathy. An emotional manipulator is a great victim. They inspire a profound sense of needing to support, care for and nurture. Emotional Manipulators seldom fight their own fights or do their own dirty work. The crazy thing is that when you do it for them (which they will never ask directly for), they may just turn around and say they certainly didn’t want or expect you to do anything! Try to make a point of not fighting other people’s battles, or doing their dirty work for them. A great line is "I have every confidence in your ability to work this out on your own" - check out the response and note the bull**** meter once again.

5.
Emotional manipulators fight dirty. They don’t deal with things directly. They will talk around behind your back and eventually put others in the position of telling you what they would not say themselves. They are passive aggressive, meaning they find subtle ways of letting you know they are not happy little campers. They’ll tell you what they think you want to hear and then do a bunch of jerk off **** to undermine it. Example: "Of course I want you to go back to school honey and you know I’ll support you." Then exam night you are sitting at the table and poker buddies show up, the kids are crying the t.v. blasting and the dog needs walking - all the while "Sweetie" is sitting on their ass looking at you blankly. Dare you call them on such behavior you are likely to hear, "well you can’t expect life to just stop because you have an exam can you honey?" Cry, scream or choke ‘em - only the last will have any long-term benefits and it’ll probably wind your butt in jail.

6.
If you have a headache an emotional manipulator will have a brain tumor! No matter what your situation is the emotional manipulator has probably been there or is there now - but only ten times worse. It’s hard after a period of time to feel emotionally connected to an emotional manipulator because they have a way of de-railing conversations and putting the spotlight back on themselves. If you call them on this behavior they will likely become deeply wounded or very petulant and call you selfish - or claim that it is you who are always in the spotlight. The thing is that even tho you know this is not the case you are left with the impossible task of proving it. Don’t bother - TRUST your gut and walk away!

7.

Emotional manipulators somehow have the ability to impact the emotional climate of those around them. When an emotional manipulator is sad or angry the very room thrums with it - it brings a deep instinctual response to find someway to equalize the emotional climate and the quickest route is by making the emotional manipulator feel better - fixing whatever is broken for them. Stick with this type of loser for too long and you will be so enmeshed and co-dependent you will forget you even have needs - let alone that you have just as much right to have your needs met.

8.
Emotional manipulators have no sense of accountability. They take no responsibility for themselves or their behavior - it is always about what everyone else has "done to them". One of the easiest ways to spot an emotional manipulator is that they often attempt to establish intimacy through the early sharing of deeply personal information that is generally of the "hook-you-in-and-make-you-sorry-for-me" variety. Initially you may perceive this type of person as very sensitive, emotionally open and maybe a little vulnerable. Believe me when I say that an emotional manipulator is about as vulnerable as a rabid pit bull, and there will always be a problem or a crisis to overcome.
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Section_31

Section_31

Well-known member
My mother is all of these. exactly all of these down to a tee.

Its one of the reasons we dont talk anymore.
 
Felgen

Felgen

Well-known member
Thank you for the link. I think a lot of people with impaired social intuition (including me) have been in emotionally abusive relationships.
 
Twinkel<3

Twinkel<3

Member
'3.
Crazy making - saying one thing and later assuring you they did not say it.'

Urgh this is exactly the way my mother is! My whole childhood was the same now im a nervous wreck when i talk to people. If my mother thought she was right she could argue quite forcfully.

Lol and my father is all of the above! Damn, i did not stand a chance!

Twinkel xxx
 
Remus

Remus

Moderator
Staff member
Felgen said:
I think a lot of people with impaired social intuition (including me) have been in emotionally abusive relationships.
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I think people with SA can be easy meat for these kind of people, as we usually dare not question because of the attention that brings.
 
hoddesdon

hoddesdon

Well-known member
Actually, I have become enmeshed with a person like that - one of your countrymen, Remus, living in Australia. What the article does not mention is what happens when you dump such a person. He did indeed "talk around behind your back and eventually put others in the position of telling you what they would not say themselves". At that point he took it to a whole new level and organised two packs of thugs to harass me. You are right to say that "people with SA can be easy meat for these kind of people", but not for the reason you mention.
 
this_portrait

this_portrait

Well-known member
I'm pretty sure I've met a few people in my life who fit the criteria. Thinking about it kinda pisses me off and not only makes me more cautious, but also on the lookout to stand up for myself if I ever encounter another person like that.
 
BlueDays

BlueDays

1
twiggle said:
Sounds like my ex too.
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^ snap.::(:


Remus said:
I think people with SA can be easy meat for these kind of people, as we usually dare not question because of the attention that brings.
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Hell yes.

I have promised myself I will never get burned by one ever again. I did not know any of the signs to look out for when I was young.
Great idea to post that information in here Remus.
 
Aletheia

Aletheia

Well-known member
my mother is passive aggressive as well

^ snap

I'm sure he didn't mean to be, but God it did mess with my head.

Sometimes I thought that getting people to feel sorry for him was the only way he knew how to relate.
 
polishgirl

polishgirl

Well-known member
Over the summer, I was a witness, or rather a victim of something like that. I only realized that few weeks ago, that is was manipulation. Because it has done a lot, a lot of harm to me. I remember the constant feeling of guilt. The worst is, that I know that if ever someone liek that were to come in my life again, I wouldn't be able to oppose.
 
twiggle

twiggle

Well-known member
Funnily enough the ex in question had a conversation with me last night in which most of these signs were displayed. My suspicions that he had feelings for me were confirmed. All of the gifts were not him being a friend, like I hoped was the case, but him trying to win me over :)mad:). And he made it sound like it was mainly my fault, for not speaking up about my concerns sooner. He even sent me a link to a photo of him with a bloody face after he'd drunkenly intervened in a fight recently because he wanted my sympathy. Having read this article it was interesting to see just how transparent his emotional blackmailing tactics were.

A great find, Remus.
 
she1slander

she1slander

Well-known member
Ha. An excellent guilt monger. yep. My older sis is exactly that. When she asks me to do things for her and I fail to hide my reluctance to do them, she'll respond in that tone of hers: "well look if you really don't want to do it, you don't have to but then again you're just gonna sit and do nothing for the rest of the day, which is just really sad. Just sayin." :mad: She's really good at making her accusations sound like a proven fact, and if I was to challenge them, she'll immediately come up with several reasons to support them... and by the time she's finished with her courtroom tangent (as if she's some prosecutor charging me with "crimes" that I didn't even commit :rolleyes:), she'll try to sweet talk me one last time. *sigh* I never win against her especially when I'm in some gloomy state... 'cause the last thing I want is someone asking me to do favors followed by a lecture and a debate and finally to walk away with a plastic smile on my face.
 
O

Orion's Hound

Active member
Thank you for the article. I always have trouble with people manipulating me. When I was younger, it was much worse. Like people could sense I was desperate for human affection. Had a girl who got me to write her paper by hugging me and acting sweet. She was quite soft. It was pleasant while it lasted, even if it was just me being used, but still cheating and lying to the teacher. Hate doing that sort of thing. Hate being used but still sort of like being liked, even if only for pretend.

I shall have to study up on this. Easy to fall into the trap of thinking everyone is like this and shutting the world out. Get paranoid. Having a guide to spot the ones who use these tactics is good. Funny about the brain tumor as the girl I mentioned did that all the time. If someone was sick, she was always more sick. Never even realized that until I read it in the article.
 
Hellhound

Hellhound

Super Moderator
Woah, woah, woah... ALL of my old friends (a group of around five) showed this kind of behavior. I always knew there was something really wrong with them, things were unfair, every conversation I had with them was draining because of so much drama going on.

Two of them had ALL of those characteristics, while the rest had more of the 4, 6, 7, and 8. One of them had A LOT of the number 6. it was impossible to talk to this person about a problem without him going "yeah, and I have heart failure" then tell me how they're about to die.

Back then, I was naive and stupid, so I trusted them. It was the most horrible stage of my life. I was a slave of this group. When I met my actual friends, then I realized how the others never really gave a damn and they didn't deserve to be called friends.

But there's one thing, Remus. I was left very paranoid after those relationships, probably because they lasted long. Not to mention that my family, especially my brother, showed this behavior as well. I have some trust issues. You say in your post to trust your gut, but what should I do if my gut isn't always a reliable source?

I can tell you right now, that neither my mate or friends have ever done anything of this. They're all the best people I could ever met. But when I think too much, I start thinking "What if...?". For example, a thought that comes to mind often, "What if my mate turns out to be abusive later?". This concern comes from my mother's experience. My father wasn't abusive, he became abusive MUCH later, after they got married.

Trusting my gut has saved me multiple times from people who wanted to take advantage of me. But being this wary all the time does no good at times. What do you suggest?
 
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