Ever tried to overcome?

if shyness bothers you that much, do you think that you tried your best yet to overcome it? how did you tried to overcome it? and did you always failed in your plans to overcome shyness?

i am making much more effort to be less shy with people but im still only able to speek up when there are no more then two people. i dont feel what i say is important when there is a crowd and i keep my mouth shut.
im ok with that though once i have a friend that i can talk to.
she always makes me feel better
i only ever neede one close friend and thats how i like to keep it

I'm the same....ok with a couple of people. Any more than that and I can't speak.
I haven't done my best to overcome it though. What I've done is my best to live my life without having to be in that situation....which has sometimes felt ok because I am not stressing myself out. But now I can see that really this has done me more harm in the long run....as it hasn't helped to solve anything.
So whereas before I thought was living as best as I could with social phobia, now I think that really it has been controlling what I do, and I've accepted it so as not to get down.

i asked this question beacause i spend from october till now knowing that i have to do something about shynessbut it's like i was waiting till someone could help me. i was in a new school and couldnt talk to people, and also when I used to hang out I was always soo quite and, they were the hardest days of my life. i passed from a low self esteem and in april tought of calling a phsicologist but i never found the couarge, then in june i sent her a letter, she called me but coulnt make me an appointment cause she was going 2 mounths abroad. she made me an appointment on september so i had to wait for 3 months. last week i couldnt wait anymore, i was so fed up of myslef and said to myself that for sure would be the last weekend of thinking how wonderful life could be without shyness, I wanted to no longer THINK of it but LIVE it. i knew i haven't the courage to overcome it alone and also it isn't for sure that i will overcome it when i will go to the physicologist so i said that it all depends only depends on me. so last weekend my friend and i went to a party where there were local people that everytime i saw them i always looked snob and quite, but on Sunday i started talking to them a bit and also i was drunk and helped me A LOT.
also my friend told me that i looked different from before. At first I was going to sit in that pub and not talk to anyone... it all wa soo simple talking to them while i was drunk... i showed them the real me.

now we are going at the same pub this weekend and at least they have a new "image" of me. altough i wont see a big difference if i wont talk to them me first, but like i say... a thousand miles began from one step. and the first step is already made. :wink:

I think most people are too scared to overcome it

Its like someone who has a fear of spiders, they hold a spider to overcome their fear
But with us we have to hold a spider everytime we go outside so thats pretty life crippling and a burden

Whatever makes them shy they have to carry out until they become used to it but theres so many things that can make a person shy
Like so many different situations and its hard to carry out so many tasks and make progress

I always feel shy on buses or in ques and at the supermarket
I've been going to the supermarket with my mum once a week for the past year and half and i still feel shy, you would have thought that ive got used to it but no, it never changes even at the less busier times

When you carry out these sort of tasks and after so long of trying its hard to see a way out

I dont think throwing yourself at situations that make you shy is the answer you also have to be mentaly prepared to conquer it

shyness with me can depend on the following

how much self worth i have at the present time
the enviroment which i am in at the present time
the people around me at the present time
negative thoughts of previous experiences of the situation

Somebody give me a mask! god i wish i was a women........all that make-up to hide my face

i think ur right, alota people scared to break out of their normal ways, in a way u learn to excpet it, i think people r to scared to fail, or get nearly there n relapse, what u gotta remeber is its ok to be quite when u wanna be, the problem is when u feel like being loud and u cant.

i had to work and had to go to college so i had sort of exposure therapy. i believe it's overcomable. it's a matter of looking at others and knowing you're just as capable as they are. seeing other's struggles helps me b/c i know i'm not alone.

Chilling__Echo said:

i believe it's overcomable.

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It certainly is. But it's not magic, you have to actively work at it, using whatever tools and means you think are valid.

Then, be prepared to handle success.

taws - read some of your posts which are very negative. dont you wanna be better?

I've tried a lot, but nothing has worked.

I see posting in here and in other chatrooms as the first step towards overcoming shyness. Because I feel its easier to talk to people online than in real life, once I am comfortable talking about myself in here then I can try it in the 'real world'. So in answer to the question, yes I am trying now.

I've tried...and done it. It was the biggest challenge of my life but I have done it. My best advise to anyone that wants to overcome shyness is don't. Most people have it all wrong, you do NOT overcome shyness. You do not change yourself with willpower. You change yourself by changing how you think, especially how you think of yourself. Your self-image of yourself is the "core" of your behavior. Your mind will not let you do things if it is incongruent to your self-image. Want to know an easy way to practice conversations with people? Imagine a conversation with someone, doesn't matter who or what the conversation is about. If you make it seems so real in your mind your subconscious believes its true giving you more self-confidence in a real conversation. I'm sorry taws but you WILL fail in anything you try, it's just a part of life. It isn't the end of the world if you fail, everyone fails sometimes. When you do fail you have to learn from your mistakes and then forget about it. Don't relive it in your head over and over again, beating yourself up. If you want to read a book that helps you understand how your mind works pick up a book called Psycho Cybernetics by Maxwell Maltz. It talks about the things I've said and alot more. Read and USE the information in it. You will be amazed at what you can accomplish.

Wish everyone the best of luck!

Sean said:

. I'm sorry taws but you WILL fail in anything you try, it's just a part of life. It isn't the end of the world if you fail, everyone fails sometimes.

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well i never tried the things you're saying (to imagine a conversation in my mind and try to make it feel real in my mind).... i'm using another method and NO i'm not failing... to overcome shyness depends on 1.Your self esteem, Self confidence and communication skills. these are the 3 things that block a shy person to talk.

1. self esteem
i cant say how i build my self esteem, i really cant remember. but it was the time when i stopped meeting some people that made me feel very down. and in my saddest days of my life i always found the strentgh to think positive. now i have a good self esteem and maybe a bit too high. but i no longer let people influence me. and the formula to build your self esteem is - believing in your self, you are the first person who have to start believing that you have to offer and your ideas are right, even if all people say another thing.

2.Self confidence
this is a bit hard, but im working on it and day by day im building it. it all depends on feedback. you have to wear a smile wherever you go, so you will give positive energy. i have started to talk a bit and i'm receiving positive feedback and that's give me the strentgh to continue on my own pattern to know more people and make people know me. also there are hard days when you cant smile cuz you are really fed up but you still ahve to keep on trying.
Last saturday my friend and i were going home cuz we were so bored and then he told me to stay there, we went near his friends, i knew only 1 of them and she is a big friend of mine. and i start talking with 1 of them. and he told to my friend that he never thought that im so cool. and i was proud of myslef when i received a msg from her telling me "you were totaly perfect yesterday with a smile always on your face and you atracted ppl's hearts".... so even if you can't take it no more, you cant know what gonna happen!

3.comuncation skills
well since every person have its own way to talk with, you have to change your method with everyone. i cant talk about this that much cuz this group that we are hanging out with are all the same... but for example when i will begin collage.. well i will try hard to develope my communaction skills.


at first you will feel that is a long & hard way, but little by little you will make it :wink: .and there will be hard days in all the way but always think positive "the first person that have to believe in youreslef is you" and remeber that better days will come... but you have to work for them.

nicola_maire said:

i think ur right, alota people scared to break out of their normal ways, in a way u learn to excpet it, i think people r to scared to fail

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my math theacher used to tell that when you are at the bottom, the only way is up. ok he was reffering to a stupid subject but i use this method beacuse it makes sense in everything... so if someone say that he is sacred of failing, then first of all he cant make it beacuse he isnt believing that he will suceed, and second thing is that he couldnt be worse so the only way there is, is be better.

ColdFury said:

I've tried a lot, but nothing has worked.

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i tried many patterns... you have to change the pattern and try to avoid things of the other pattern.

taws said:

ive given up on it, i find that if i dont try, then i cant fail

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'There is no failure except in no longer trying"- Elbert Hubbard

4myself said:

I see posting in here and in other chatrooms as the first step towards overcoming shyness. Because I feel its easier to talk to people online than in real life, once I am comfortable talking about myself in here then I can try it in the 'real world'. So in answer to the question, yes I am trying now.

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there was a physicologist on TV that said she received a letter from someone that the only realtion ship he had was with the computer, its hard to develope communcation skills on the net... i tried that too.

__________________

sorry for sounding a bit like "i know everything!" but it's just i want to help others that were like me and when i was in your shoes i had no one to guide me and had to do all the way alone... not that i'm made it but i statred.

i tried many patterns... you have to change the pattern and try to avoid things of the other pattern.

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Explain what you mean by patterns. I've tried all sorts of therapies.

None of this "wear a smile" crap solves the fact I get massive panic attacks being within 10 feet of a stranger, no matter what I think.

I know what you mean falling, I certainly don't want all of my relationships to be online (although thats better than nothing). I have a few offline friends as well. One of my main problems is that I dont like talking about myself so I am using this forum to get used to sharing info about me so I can be more comfortable doing that, but yes that is a valid warning point that I must be careful not too spend so much time here that I lose my few offine friends. 8O

ColdFury said:

i tried many patterns... you have to change the pattern and try to avoid things of the other pattern.

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Explain what you mean by patterns. I've tried all sorts of therapies.

None of this "wear a smile" crap solves the fact I get massive panic attacks being within 10 feet of a stranger, no matter what I think.

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if u're trying to build a conversation with someone and you see that isnt working... try to use another "style" i dont know how exactly explain it. if the method u're using isnt ging that good... changed to another form to build up a conversation. any yes when you "wear a smile" ur giving positive energy to the other person... i know that soemtimes dont work at all. in last year school i used to try to smile to everyone but did't build a freindship... but when you smile to someone you are acting friendly.


and about feeling panick when you are some where there are many people, well the only way to solve it is to challenge the situation... so if you wear a top that you feel that everyone is looking at you... continue wearing it. last month a got a social phobia while i was walking and every one was looking at my new shoes... it had something for sure but i dont know what was, i decided to wear it over and over again so by time now i dont mind when some one looks at my shoes or for example if i see everone looking at my shirt just becasue there are some words on it... i used to wear it no more... but now i challnge my self. i used to die when im the centre of attantion... but now not that much. is useless running and hiding form problems.

Yep, I myself am in the process of overcoming my shyness right now, and have been for the past 2 months.

I got a book called "Painfully Shy" that's helped some, and also this site: http://www.angelfire.com/super2/overcomingshyness/index.html has helped A LOT.

I still have moments of shyness and I haven't become a super out going person or anything. It's more that I've accepted myself as I am and I've got off caring what others may be thinking of me or worrying that my face may be turning red while I'm standing there talking with someone.

The real motivation for me has been the fact that I'm going to be starting my first year of college this fall. And that's really a big change in your life and an oppurtunity for you to sort of re-invent yourself. I really don't want to be the same in college as I was in high school. In high school I really didn't have any friends, sat quietly in the back of class, didn't raise my hand and participate in many classroom discussions. I don't want my college experience to be the same.


So for anyone really serious in trying to overcome their shyness, I'd suggest picking up that book and visiting that site I mentioned earlier. I think you really have to be motivated and truely want to make a change in your life, and I definitely believe that the first real step in reaching your goal is acceptance. And you really just have to turn you negative thoughts off and start thinking positively.

PhantomPod said:

I got a book called "Painfully Shy" that's helped some, and also this site: http://www.angelfire.com/super2/overcomingshyness/index.html has helped A LOT.

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who wrote that book and in which way helped you?
actually i'm gonna start collage in Fall too and i'm a bit afraid cuz by now i'm making friends through friends but in collage i wil be TOTTALY alone again. i'm getting lotz of anxious moments thinking about collage.

Falling said:

ColdFury said:

i tried many patterns... you have to change the pattern and try to avoid things of the other pattern.

Click to expand...

Explain what you mean by patterns. I've tried all sorts of therapies.

None of this "wear a smile" crap solves the fact I get massive panic attacks being within 10 feet of a stranger, no matter what I think.

Click to expand...

if u're trying to build a conversation with someone and you see that isnt working... try to use another "style" i dont know how exactly explain it. if the method u're using isnt ging that good... changed to another form to build up a conversation. any yes when you "wear a smile" ur giving positive energy to the other person... i know that soemtimes dont work at all. in last year school i used to try to smile to everyone but did't build a freindship... but when you smile to someone you are acting friendly.


and about feeling panick when you are some where there are many people, well the only way to solve it is to challenge the situation... so if you wear a top that you feel that everyone is looking at you... continue wearing it. last month a got a social phobia while i was walking and every one was looking at my new shoes... it had something for sure but i dont know what was, i decided to wear it over and over again so by time now i dont mind when some one looks at my shoes or for example if i see everone looking at my shirt just becasue there are some words on it... i used to wear it no more... but now i challnge my self. i used to die when im the centre of attantion... but now not that much. is useless running and hiding form problems.

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I don't have conversations with anyone, so I don't have a style to even change.

Doing something over and over again to reduce the associated anxiety is called flooding and it does not always work. I "challenged" myself for a year and a half nearly everyday, and by the time I was done, my anxiety was even worse, not better.