Sounds like me 5 years ago. I truly wish i could jump into your mind and destroy all your demons for you, but this is something you must do your self.
Depression is what happens to a sp/sa sufferer after endless searching to find the answer, wanting to be better, trying everything getting nowhere. Energy depletion and a general i've had enough of this **** hole syndrome.
Two of the most important things you should think about ALL DAY is written below. My heart is on fire with love for you right now so please remember this is straight from the heart, it made me rise from my suicidal depression after many years of torture and mental confusion and overcome my fear.
1. Anxiety is a state of mind and not our self, it makes us uncontrolled because we identify it as our self and so we take all the blame, we then forget who we are, torture our self and fail to recognize it in our mind when it appears because we get used to it being present. We then identify with being this way all the time and so we hit rock bottom. You know in your heart that you are a good person, anxiety has poisoned your life. Its like you been unknowingly drugged by this deadly poison but have been blaming your self all this time. Its like the ultimate demon which throws you into despair and is so powerful now that it effects your entire day, all the time. Its not you, so please forgive your self of all your past bad experiences. Anxiety is never to be believed, it is a mistaken mind, disbelieve it when you experience it, its not you. Its something that your mind is programmed for you to experience but this can be shattered by firstly identfying it, then disbelieving it. It makes us believe we are afraid and worry what others think, when this will never bring us happiness. There is nothing to fear but the mind of anxiety, disbelieve its power.
2. What others think of you is not a cause of your happiness. Happiness depends upon your mind and how you view the world and other people. Their thoughts will never meet yours. You can only percieve the thoughts of others through the power of your own mind. So let go of what other people think about you, they have never known the real you. What others think is generally out of control, negative, momentary, fleeting, changing, full of suffering and pain also, so theres nothing to hold onto as 'their thoughts' that's not outside of your mind. Let them go.