Fear of public humiliation

Does anyone have any stories of times when they've been humiliated or ridiculed or bullied in public, that they'd like to share? Or does anyone have any insights about this fear? Like, what's the root cause, and how is the best way to deal with these situations?

I was just cycling to work today and up ahead I noticed these 3 teenage lads on bikes. They were stopped and chatting to each other and had positioned their bikes sideways so that they were blocking the entire path. I could tell they had seen me coming cause they kept looking up at me with smirks on their faces. I moved right to the edge of the path and slowed right down hoping they would move out of the way, but they didn't move an inch. They were all just watching me with smirks on their faces. Then I noticed a gap in the on coming traffic, so I moved onto the road, but even then one guy started reversing his bike back into mine, and he said something like "watch it mate, I'm reversing". Then I could hear them laughing as I cycled off.

This probably sounds like a minor thing to most people, but I've been feeling this profoundly violent sense of rage all evening, and I'm wondering why. I really wanted to confront these kids and beat the hell out of them if I'm honest, but I know that's not the right way to respond. So I'm wondering, what is the right way to respond? And why do I feel so livid? Is it because this kind of public humiliation taps into the deepest, most raw, pains inside of me? Or is it a pride thing maybe?

Just because they were playing around doesn't mean you need to beat the hell out of them. Best thing you can do is just play along, maybe even place your bike sideways and jokingly ask "alright, who are we waiting for? Let's do this". They'd probably have a laugh and think you're cool, and just let you on. Keep in mind these kids probably had a little extra fun knowing you were uncomfortable, since it's what feeds the behavior in the first place.

Maybe you could try a few exercises to feel more comfortable in public situations, like purposely wearing your shirt inside out for an entire day, wearing different colored shoes, stuff like that.

worrywort said:

This probably sounds like a minor thing to most people, but I've been feeling this profoundly violent sense of rage all evening, and I'm wondering why. I really wanted to confront these kids and beat the hell out of them if I'm honest, but I know that's not the right way to respond. So I'm wondering, what is the right way to respond? And why do I feel so livid? Is it because this kind of public humiliation taps into the deepest, most raw, pains inside of me? Or is it a pride thing maybe?

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No, not a minor thing and I would feel the same because they are using people as entertainment and being very in-your-face about it. My response would be to keep my distance, call the police (as they're being a public nuisance and probably doing this to lots of others) and take their photos/video what they're doing

I don't know how old you are but I don't believe you should feel like beating up some minors because you felt insulted. In my view, it shows a lack of mental strength and immaturity. If this type of situation causes you stress, how are you going to cope with other things? I would feel the sensation and not condemn it or try to change it. Just observe.

If these kids were bothering other people I would agree with the other poster that you should inform the authorities.

I can think of countless examples of public humiliation. When I was sixteen I was publicly attacked in the playground by the local mental retard and his crew. The were bothering me for months and laughing after the attack. It provoked PTSD in me and worsened my SA. It still causes hallucinations in me at my age.

I actually did have a period where I was bullied. I was around 11, thankfully my family emigrated at the end of that school year. It was quite peculiar in that it was not the start of my SA. It didn't appear to be that disruptive, though it did in part contribute to my self-loathing which wasn't altogether very apparent back then. I would be bullied for being foreign essentially. My family is half Jewish half German, and I was born in South Africa and with olive skin on top of that! It got me an enormous amount of flack from every conceivable angle. I hated my skin, I hated the way I talked and I would try to remodel myself on certain archetypes to "improve" myself. I was very much fixated on trying to win approval for quite a few years. It was only through my ling period of isolation that I started to look inwards and begin ripping out these destructive thought patterns and find myself. That would mean learning to identify with my cultural heritage and better understand who I am, that I don't have to hate myself for being different. So for me it's less about the humiliation I might have suffeted, more the effects of it that stuck with me. I remember very clearly how I felt then.

It's probably cumulative. I remember when I was teaching shyness classes. a student asked me- what do I do about all those times when I couldn't be assertive - I'm so full of rage over all those incidents. I didn't have any answers at the time, but what I discovered after several years of working in this field, that as you start gaining control over current situations that the old hostilities start to dissipate. It can be small things that you get control over- saying no to an unwanted sales pitch, asking someone to call before they come over- that these current small gains of control over your life grow muscles and diminish the old resentment and hostilities. I didn't know that in the beginning. I think that was a tough situation you were in there- and you handled it with grace- the only thing I could think of was to say- "thank you- gentlemen"- to sarcastically comment on their boorish behavior. The plus of a play-back without castigating oneself, is to say- "next time what I will do is.........." But that was a tough situation. So- good for you for brainstorming.

Sacrament said:

Best thing you can do is just play along, maybe even place your bike sideways and jokingly ask "alright, who are we waiting for? Let's do this".

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Haha, that's quite a good idea! Though I think I'd need to be in a good mood to pull this off.

Sacrament said:

They'd probably have a laugh and think you're cool, and just let you on.

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But then why should I have to pass their "cool" test just to continue on my way to work? Who made them the gatekeepers of that path?

kihira said:

No, not a minor thing and I would feel the same because they are using people as entertainment and being very in-your-face about it. My response would be to keep my distance, call the police (as they're being a public nuisance and probably doing this to lots of others) and take their photos/video what they're doing

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Yea I think I agree. Most people say the best way to deal with bullies is to ignore them, so yea keeping your distance sounds like a good idea. Plus I wondered what I would do if I had stopped and asked them politely to move, and they had refused. I'd be kinda stumped after that, so yea, I think I probably would call the police [the non-emergency number], and/or try to find an alternate route around them.

arjuna said:

I don't know how old you are but I don't believe you should feel like beating up some minors because you felt insulted. In my view, it shows a lack of mental strength and immaturity. If this type of situation causes you stress, how are you going to cope with other things?

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Yea I think this is my concern. I feel like the situation shouldn't have bothered me as much as it did. I don't know how to deal with these types of situations. I always seem to come off in a bad shape. So I think that's why I'm curious to figure out what's going on and how I can respond to future situations.

Requiescat said:

I actually did have a period where I was bullied. I was around 11, thankfully my family emigrated at the end of that school year. It was quite peculiar in that it was not the start of my SA. It didn't appear to be that disruptive, though it did in part contribute to my self-loathing which wasn't altogether very apparent back then. I would be bullied for being foreign essentially. My family is half Jewish half German, and I was born in South Africa and with olive skin on top of that! It got me an enormous amount of flack from every conceivable angle. I hated my skin, I hated the way I talked and I would try to remodel myself on certain archetypes to "improve" myself. I was very much fixated on trying to win approval for quite a few years. It was only through my ling period of isolation that I started to look inwards and begin ripping out these destructive thought patterns and find myself. That would mean learning to identify with my cultural heritage and better understand who I am, that I don't have to hate myself for being different. So for me it's less about the humiliation I might have suffeted, more the effects of it that stuck with me. I remember very clearly how I felt then.

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I'm sorry to hear that you were bullied. I forget sometimes that this one-time incident that caused me distress, for many others is a daily reality. I like your solution of trying to remodel yourself on certain archetypes. I've been trying that too, thinking to myself, "what would Ghandi do? What would Jesus do? What would that guy from work that I always respected, do?" It helps a lot. I think they'd stay calm, probably talk to their attackers for a bit and try to reason with them, then eventually contact an authority or maybe enlist the help of others.

Joan6466 said:

It's probably cumulative. I remember when I was teaching shyness classes. a student asked me- what do I do about all those times when I couldn't be assertive - I'm so full of rage over all those incidents. I didn't have any answers at the time, but what I discovered after several years of working in this field, that as you start gaining control over current situations that the old hostilities start to dissipate. It can be small things that you get control over- saying no to an unwanted sales pitch, asking someone to call before they come over- that these current small gains of control over your life grow muscles and diminish the old resentment and hostilities. I didn't know that in the beginning. I think that was a tough situation you were in there- and you handled it with grace- the only thing I could think of was to say- "thank you- gentlemen"- to sarcastically comment on their boorish behavior. The plus of a play-back without castigating oneself, is to say- "next time what I will do is.........." But that was a tough situation. So- good for you for brainstorming.

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Thanks a lot for your reply. I think that's a really insightful point, and I think that may well be the root cause of my angry reaction. Because that is basically what frustrates me about situations like these I think; I don't actually know how to respond in a dignified way. I don't know what to do. If I ask politely for them to move and they refuse, I kind of feel stumped as to what else I can do? But then I feel humiliated because I feel like other people wouldn't have this problem. Cause they'd find ways to outsmart these kids, or they'd force their way through or something, whereas I'd allow these kids to just defeat me without a fight. Not for lack of wanting to fight, but because I can't think of a morally acceptable way to fight. But perhaps you're right that maybe I just need to slowly start practicing trying to gain more control in situations like these, and the frustrations might start to dissipate.

worrywort said:

But then why should I have to pass their "cool" test just to continue on my way to work? Who made them the gatekeepers of that path?

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They're not, but since they were doing what they were doing, it would be the easiest way to go through. If you called the cops the kids would just vanish and the call would have been pointless anyway. I guess one thing you could have done is pretend to call the cops and give it a couple of minutes, maybe they'd buy it.

Personally, I would have sped up and rode into the back wheel of the one who deliberately got in my way. I would have tried to buckle his wheel then would say 'WTF are you doing? You could see me trying to get past so why would you block my path?? Now your wheel is buckled, how good do you feel?'.

Then I would have 'smirked' at them as I rode off.

Sound harsh? Maybe to some. But unfortunately some people only understand this type of language. I was taught long ago to not put up with any crap from people such as these. I realize not everyone can do this either.

I've had battles within my own mind about the fears of humiliation. I've also learned about the FACT with which SA becomes a self fulfilling prophecy- if you let it.
If you act like you are supposed to be in a certain place, like you are part of the scene then people generally tend not to notice you as much. So if you have to go somewhere, just put on that mask and pretend you don't have SA. It's much easier.

When you are so focused on what others may be thinking, become overly self conscious and nervous/paranoid, it shows. People pick up on this. Because of the way you are acting/portraying yourself you inadvertently end up drawing attention to yourself.

So you enter the area, so worried about people noticing you.
People don't notice/care, until they notice how nervous/unsure/self conscious you are.
You notice - them noticing you.
You become more anxious about them noticing you, and you find yourself in another battle with SA/paranoia and self doubt.
In your mind your negative SA prophecy becomes fulfilled.
You think to yourself about how you where right, about how all these j e r k s are just that, and how they all conspire against you (or similar).

The most likely truth is, most people couldn't give a rats behind about you. Even if they do notice you being nervous. 5 minutes later they have forgotten about you.

The only real thing that will keep their attention on you longer is if you keep noticing them!

Think of it like a game, who can keep the others attention longer.. only you're not going to play. Refuse to play. Focus on why you are there, not the other people and what they might be thinking. Forget about the others.

I've gone on a bit of a rant there lol. But I know for a fact what I have said is true.
Just don't play the Public humiliation game.

Some really good info in this thread! And i'll add some more...

About these immature so-called "humans": the poor buggers are completely overwhelmed by their ego's, not that they'd no it at that age & state, hence their actions in trying to humiliate/etc you (to the ego, such stuff increases it's own worth, due mainly to feeling superior). I've come accross these types of youths many many times, and it only gets better when you grow internally.

It is almost certainly cumulative. Your reactions are pretty much entirely due to your past experiences, not this particular experiebnce. If you could manage to find a way to not react, then ... you wouldn't react ... and the situation wouldn't be a problem. So, in a way, "its all you" (which :. means its not them who is in control)...

In my youth, i blamed myself for all "attacks" i recieved (which :. means i never got angry .. well, only deep-down). Then i converted to "sticking up for myself" . got more outraged/angry at things). After that i returned to accepting responsibility again (which is maybe where i should have remained all along).

Just a point to possibly consider, but not wanting to worry you: It does strike me that they either are familiar with you (& your daily routine), and that they actually made a plan to do this. Why i say this, is due to one experience in particular i had years ago. This car full of skin-heads stopped beside me as i was walking to town, and one of them asked for a "light". I replied that i didn't smoke, and he asked again, and i said 'sorry, i don't smoke', and continued on. Then an hour or so later as i was returning (in same place) they passed me, and stopped a few hundred metres ahead, blocking the path. I continued walking normally, but as i got near (they were obviously waiting for me, they knew it & so did i), i formulated a basic plan of action. So, as i was almost upon them, i started to walk across to the other side of the road (in a "casual" manner, not showing any fear/concern/etc; rather than simply walking around their car). And right then they began to reverse towards me, so i "casually" sped up into a jog, again not showing any signs of distress/concern (ie nonchalance) .. else they would have reversed right into me (which is i presume what they kinda intended). Then they simply left (in the opposite direction), never to be seen again. If i had reacted differently, then quite possibly the situation could have become quite different. I handled it perfectly (trusted my instincts, wisdom, etc). Who knows what their real intentions were .. i suspect they had a slight urge to cause me some sort of harm i suspect. But that's just one of many many similar experiences i've had with total strangers (& people i know of course), so no biggie in the grand scheme of things .. and you learn from such stuff so its "all good"...

PugofCrydee said:

Personally, I would have sped up and rode into the back wheel of the one who deliberately got in my way. I would have tried to buckle his wheel then would say 'WTF are you doing? You could see me trying to get past so why would you block my path?? Now your wheel is buckled, how good do you feel?'.

Then I would have 'smirked' at them as I rode off.

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Haha I actually thought the same thing, though there's a good chance if they don't move it could end uglier for me and my bike than them, but still I'd be very tempted to do this. Or at least to go in fast and if they don't move, slam on my brakes at the last minute and have a rant at them.

But yea I agree about the self fulfilling prophecy stuff, I've often thought about this too. It's like when you walk past a cliff edge, a small part of you doesn't trust yourself enough that you won't suddenly throw yourself off! When you have a fear and you fixate on it, it's more likely to come true because all you're thinking about is the fear. If you're terrified that other's will think badly of you, you'll be constantly on the look out for signs that this is true. I also notice it when footballers take high pressure penalties. For some you can almost tell they're going to miss before they've even kicked the ball because they look so scared, you know all they're thinking about is how terrible it'd be to miss. Whereas others, like Alexis last night in the Copa America, are so composed and confident, it seems their minds instead are focused on how great it'd be to score. I must admit I find it hard to have this level of confidence, where you're totally focused on how great life can be, and all your fears and worries just brush off you like water off a ducks back. I'd love to get there one day, and I agree that changing your thoughts and your focus is probably the best way to get there.

theslowesthand said:

It is almost certainly cumulative. Your reactions are pretty much entirely due to your past experiences, not this particular experiebnce.

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That's a good way of putting it

theslowesthand said:

In my youth, i blamed myself for all "attacks" i recieved (which :. means i never got angry .. well, only deep-down). Then i converted to "sticking up for myself" . got more outraged/angry at things). After that i returned to accepting responsibility again (which is maybe where i should have remained all along).

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That sounds very similar to me. I never used to get angry ever. I would almost always runaway from confrontation. It's only been the last 5 years or so since I've also started trying to stand up for myself more that I've noticed the anger. I'm not sure I want to go back to how I was again though. I think I'd rather just try to find a way of standing up for myself but in a more calm and composed fashion.

Thanks for your story aswell, I think you handled that situation really well, particularly how you remained nonchalant and didn't give anything away, even when you were jogging. I think that's a nice picture to remember.

Elementary school, I was 10 or 11. We went to a camp for 2 days. After lunch we had to clean our plates. I did it very slowly and like I was scared. Some cooks saw this, approached me and had a big laugh at me on the way how I clean them. On the top of it, a school photographer also heard their laugh, came and immediately made a photo of me - in action and embarrassed. This photo was on the school public desk along with the others.

Actually I forgot about this memory until I saw this topic.

worrywort said:

theslowesthand said:

In my youth, i blamed myself for all "attacks" i recieved (which :. means i never got angry .. well, only deep-down). Then i converted to "sticking up for myself" . got more outraged/angry at things). After that i returned to accepting responsibility again (which is maybe where i should have remained all along)

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That sounds very similar to me. I never used to get angry ever. I would almost always runaway from confrontation. It's only been the last 5 years or so since I've also started trying to stand up for myself more that I've noticed the anger. I'm not sure I want to go back to how I was again though. I think I'd rather just try to find a way of standing up for myself but in a more calm and composed fashion

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Maybe now it's not quite the same as in my youth when i was kind of a "doormat" (but mainly just very avoidant & passive). Nowadays i am taking more responsibility, but in a different way. I view both myself & them as being responsible for the situation, and further than that, i am trying to view more the root causes of mine & their actions/reactions (eg the ego). So that is neither accepting all the blame on myself (doormat) nor putting all the blame on them (anger/rage) .. but it's putting the "blame" if you like, where it truly belongs.

very_shy said:

Elementary school, I was 10 or 11. We went to a camp for 2 days. After lunch we had to clean our plates. I did it very slowly and like I was scared. Some cooks saw this, approached me and had a big laugh at me on the way how I clean them. On the top of it, a school photographer also heard their laugh, came and immediately made a photo of me - in action and embarrassed. This photo was on the school public desk along with the others.

Actually I forgot about this memory until I saw this topic.

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Aww you sound like a really sweet person. Maybe they were laughing because they thought it was cute? Though, if you're like me, I'm sure it won't have felt that way to you.

theslowesthand said:

Maybe now it's not quite the same as in my youth when i was kind of a "doormat" (but mainly just very avoidant & passive). Nowadays i am taking more responsibility, but in a different way. I view both myself & them as being responsible for the situation, and further than that, i am trying to view more the root causes of mine & their actions/reactions (eg the ego). So that is neither accepting all the blame on myself (doormat) nor putting all the blame on them (anger/rage) .. but it's putting the "blame" if you like, where it truly belongs.

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Yea I think I know what you mean about accepting responsibility. At the end of the day, my attitude is the one thing in my control and it's my responsibility to keep that in check first, before looking to blame others. So yea, i think you're right about that, I think that's the best place to start from.

But I also think, sometimes when other people do things that we think are wrong, it's important to confront them sometimes. So maybe a little bit of anger can be healthy sometimes and provoke us to action. So long as we're in control of the anger I suppose and it's coming from the right place, i.e. because the other person has done something wrong or harmful, and not because they've happened to hit one of our nerves or inconvenience us somehow. Though I can hardly preach, I'm terrible at confrontation and not much better at controlling my emotions either!