Feel like i'm living inside of a dream...

Lately the pain has been almost unbearable. I recently kind of reached a peak with my POCD (worst mental illness ever) where I thought I no longer had sexual urges toward children. Of course my happyness only lasted a few days before my mind started taking the questioning further. I have realzed I never actually get sexually aroused by kids but lately I have been comparing children to older & unatttactive women (which I am not aroused by at all) to hypothetically see if I would "prefer" a child to an unattractive woman when I got older and had less options. First let me say that this wouldn't even be an option for me & I am more or less testing myself & giving me another reason to beat myself up. Well, anxiety came back full force & I feel horrible again. I feel like I can't breathe & I isolate myself a lot forcing myself to go to work & the Grocery store. I don't see how people get through life so easily & I sicken myself. I just want to feel good again.

Are you perhaps seeing a therapist? Friends and support can help yet I would recommend a therapist if you truly wish to recover from such intrusive thoughts. I understand how unbearable such thoughts can be, I myself have violent, hateful thoughts on impulse far too often. I certainly hope you can learn to bear the burden and share it with those of us on this forum as well.

Yes, I am seeing a Therapist. It shocks me that I am 23 & struggled with POCD since approximately 19 & mental illness since age 17. I would definitely say I have thrown away the last 5-7 years of my life. This is pretty much hell. I should be enjoying my 20's...

You should try tricking your mind into finding it weird, try putting yourself into the mind of a child. It could help you to over come it. I mean even if in your mind you do find a child more compelling then a highly unattractive female its all you fighting against yourself. I have thought a lot of very disturbing things but as long as you don't act on it and try to think other things when possible it will move on.

I know what you mean by you feel like your wasting your life, I'm 19 and instead of going and having the best years of my life I can't even leave the house without thinking I'm going to die. Hell, some of the times I think I'm going to die in the house. Life is not going to come easy we just need to learn to accept that.