Feel trapped

ForeverBlue

Active member
At the moment I feel trapped and have no control of my life. Earlier in the year I made the decision to leave my country and go overseas (again) to try living there. But in July I found out that my dad had terminal cancer and now I am stuck here and can't really make any plans or do anything. I know that sounds harsh or mean but that's not how it's meant. I do feel sorry for him but I am not really all that close to my dad but now me and my mum (who is divorced from my dad) pretty much have the responsibility of him now and can't go anywhere. he pretty much kept to himself and wasn't really bothered about keeping in touch. We would just see him occasionally and always at Xmas, birthday, father's day.
He is in a temporary nursing home now but we had to sort out his rented accomodation which was hard work and stressful and now we have been the main ones visiting him and fetching him things. We also have to find him a permanent home and have to visit at least 3. All this and trying to work and have a life myself.
I am 35 so I am not getting any younger and felt like my life was already being wasted and passing me by and now this has happened it's even worse.
I feel guilty for feeling this way but I also feel resentful. My dad never looked after himself, smoked, drank and ignored symptons of the disease until it was too late. I know he probably may not have long as he no longer is having treatment. I guess it's the not knowing what is going to happen that is hard.

On top of this I feel like I am a loser. People I knew in the past and even now are having all sorts of things happen in their lives, and nothing is happening in my life. A guy I used to be in love with (though nothing really ever happened seriously but I had feelings for him for years) appears to have moved on and is seeng someone and no longer keeps in contact with me. although that is a blessing because the last few times he did, he only used me for information and got in contact when I could do him a favour or whatever. And that was messing with my head. I also have the stress of bumping into him at work. I have only seen him twice since I returned to our workplace and each time we just sailed past each other and said hi and we used to be pretty close. It felt very weird.

My mum and I just feel like running away from everything. My family are a pain in the arse so I wouldn't miss them. I am resenting them for not doing more for our dad.

boy this sounds like a real 'Why me?' posting doesn't it? :oops: And a bit of victim mentality. I know my life would be better if I didn't have SP as I would be able to cope a lot better with what is happening but that's wishful thinking isn't it?
I have been offered an extension on my job and wasn't interested at first because I didn't want to make any plans as who knows what will happen with my dad. I don't particularly want to work in the same building as that guy either. I will be seeing him more often with the extension of the job and that terrifies me. So now I am thinking I shouldn't have agreed to do the job but I guess I could change my mind later, I just don't want to stuff them around that's all but I also didn't want to be unemployed when the time came.

Oh well that's my rant for the day!!!! Sorry to bore you all to tears :lol:
 
Sounds tough. I can't imagine what it's like watching a terminal illness progress.

On top of this I feel like I am a loser. People I knew in the past and even now are having all sorts of things happen in their lives, and nothing is happening in my life.

Welcome to the slow time pocket. Your life sounds pretty eventful though, if you've lived overseas and the like. You've been places and done things, so you will again.

I am 35 so I am not getting any younger

That's 17 adult years down, 45 to go with average luck. 27% lived so far. It's act one, you're just getting started.
 
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