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Old 06-27-2016
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There is a guy at my volunteer place that I feel inferior to because he flirts with girls and get girl's phone numbers (I think at least) and for another reason (I am to scared to say). It also has to do with me not talking to girls in person and he is able to do it easily, plus my possible avpd and the fact that I don't talk to anybody male or female. Knowing the fact that I don't talk to anybody makes me feel even worse. I also feel inferior to certain things people say or do and it affects my everyday life! Does anybody else feel inferior and it affects their everyday life? Also does anybody have advice?
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Old 06-27-2016
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man, I know exactly what you are going through man but its seems that the only thing that we need is confidence to be able to engage in conversations or relationships with others but how to get the confidence I don't know Lol.
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Old 06-27-2016
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man, I know exactly what you are going through man but its seems that the only thing that we need is confidence to be able to engage in conversations or relationships with others but how to get the confidence I don't know Lol.
I think getting over avpd and social anxiety as well would help. But confidence goes a long way as well. So you go through the same thing I go through?
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Old 06-27-2016
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I go through SA which is involve with confidence and grief disorder I'm very messed up man.
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Old 06-27-2016
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Hello Marc7

I used to feel that way for pretty much all my teenage-hood and until lately.

I have no experience whatsoever when it comes to picking up girls. Life for me doesn't revolve around women.

All I can tell you is : Be yourself and go for it without any second thoughts, when you give too much importance to something you're more likely to panic and end up messing it up, and believe me, this applies for everything (Interviews, exams, speeches...etc.)

You have to think rationally about it, don't let any emotions of fear and apprehension come into play.

Be as presentable as you can, look for an opportunity to talk to that woman (the best one being her in need of help), and just go for it, one discussion will bring another.

If it works, well congrats!
Otherwise, be proud of yourself, you faced your fears and gave it your best shot.
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Old 06-27-2016
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I go through SA which is involve with confidence and grief disorder I'm very messed up man.
I'm messed up too, I didn't know confidence had to do with sa. What is grief disorder?
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Old 06-27-2016
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Hello Marc7

I used to feel that way for pretty much all my teenage-hood and until lately.

I have no experience whatsoever when it comes to picking up girls. Life for me doesn't revolve around women.

All I can tell you is : Be yourself and go for it without any second thoughts, when you give too much importance to something you're more likely to panic and end up messing it up, and believe me, this applies for everything (Interviews, exams, speeches...etc.)

You have to think rationally about it, don't let any emotions of fear and apprehension come into play.

Be as presentable as you can, look for an opportunity to talk to that woman (the best one being her in need of help), and just go for it, one discussion will bring another.

If it works, well congrats!
Otherwise, be proud of yourself, you faced your fears and gave it your best shot.
Hello Jungle

What made you stop feeling that way?

My life doesn't either but when you see someone do it over and over again and you can't it messes with you.

Thanks for advice, but I'm very scared and lack motivation to get better unfortunately.
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Old 06-27-2016
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Well social anxiety is created by so many stuff but i'm sure that a low confidence is one of them, and for the grief disorder when you lost someone or something really precious to you and that grief last in long-term.
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Old 06-27-2016
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Hello Jungle

What made you stop feeling that way?

My life doesn't either but when you see someone do it over and over again and you can't it messes with you.

Thanks for advice, but I'm very scared and lack motivation to get better unfortunately.
I guess, being constantly busy with many things (studies and sport mainly) made me divert my mind from emotional stuff.

There is also a mistake that you shouldn't do if you want your relationship to last : be honest with that woman, don't pretend to like the same things as her just to seem "more interesting", relationships can't last if they are built on lies.
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Old 06-27-2016
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Well social anxiety is created by so many stuff but i'm sure that a low confidence is one of them, and for the grief disorder when you lost someone or something really precious to you and that grief last in long-term.
I think low confidence is a effect of social anxiety, but social anxiety is I think when you get anxious around people or in social situations. Oh and you have it because you moved?
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Old 06-27-2016
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I guess, being constantly busy with many things (studies and sport mainly) made me divert my mind from emotional stuff.

There is also a mistake that you shouldn't do if you want your relationship to last : be honest with that woman, don't pretend to like the same things as her just to seem "more interesting", relationships can't last if they are built on lies.
Oh, tbh I don't have those two things you have right now to divert my attention away. Even if I did I would still get emotional if it happened.

I'm not in a relationship (not saying you said that).
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Old 06-27-2016
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I think low confidence is a effect of social anxiety, but social anxiety is I think when you get anxious around people or in social situations. Oh and you have it because you moved?
I think they both kinda feed into each other. Low self esteem feeds anxiety. And anxiety causes a person to feel worse about themselves. I cant speak for everyone but Ive been realizing the past few days my anxiety has been tied to some core beliefs I have about life and other people.
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Old 06-27-2016
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well that's one of them and many different things like being alone not having friends and a girlfriend is a bunch of stuff. and about the girls I think making funny jokes is a great start.
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Old 06-27-2016
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I think they both kinda feed into each other. Low self esteem feeds anxiety. And anxiety causes a person to feel worse about themselves. I cant speak for everyone but Ive been realizing the past few days my anxiety has been tied to some core beliefs I have about life and other people.
Why does low self esteem feed anxiety? And why does anxiety make a person to feel worse about themselves? I thought social anxiety you just feel nervous around people but to be fair I haven't looked it up recently.
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Old 06-27-2016
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well that's one of them and many different things like being alone not having friends and a girlfriend is a bunch of stuff. and about the girls I think making funny jokes is a great start.
Yea, your right those things also cause low confidence. Well I'm to scared to talk to girls in person and online (for online especially if they are attractive). Sorry but where did you get the grief disorder from?
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Old 06-27-2016
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I know when it comes to have interaction with girls all types I get super nervous, sweaty and red.I got it because myself meaning heart and mind don't want to let go what I used to be in the past. Have you seen a therapist?
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Old 06-27-2016
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Why does low self esteem feed anxiety? And why does anxiety make a person to feel worse about themselves? I thought social anxiety you just feel nervous around people but to be fair I haven't looked it up recently.
Well I mean, how you feel about yourself will affect how you interact with people. And if you dislike that you have social anxiety (like most do) it'll probably make you feel worse about yourself. Its a weird cycle which is why its so hard to break. Thats why a lot of those psychologists try to get people to find their "core beliefs" which is usually the basis of how a person views the world. For me Ive been finding out that two of mine is the belief that acceptance from others = happiness and rejection from others = unhappiness. Which are tied to the belief that I am as a person unacceptable to 95% of the people I encounter. I know logically that that cant be true, most people I meet cant just dislike me if Ive not done anything to them, but after years of feeling that way and the occasional a-hole bully to reinforce that idea, its like a reflex thought. A more realistic way to think would probably be like "hey, some people wont like me. But there are some that will. Also whats important is that I like myself. Acceptance of self = happiness". But that crap takes practice, years of it probably. I heck I feel uncomfortable just telling you this because you might just say "well thats dumb" lol. You kinda gotta figure out exactly what it is you're thinking and figure out how to fight against it or your thoughts/feelings just steamroll you the second you encounter someone that could accept/reject you.
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Old 06-27-2016
 

Yes. I know exactly how you feel because I've felt the same way before. I've seen other guys flirt with girls and seemingly talk to them with ease while I'm on the sidelines. I'm not jealous of them, but I just want to be that guy, and I never have.

My advice to you would be to not focus so much on girls right now. You said you don't talk to guys or girls so the best thing for you to do is to try talking more to anyone. Also, don't compare yourself to others. When you do that, you're guaranteed to find something that makes you feel inferior because everyone has good qualities about them.
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zharl (06-27-2016)
Old 06-27-2016
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Originally Posted by Jungle View Post
Hello Marc7

I used to feel that way for pretty much all my teenage-hood and until lately.

I have no experience whatsoever when it comes to picking up girls. Life for me doesn't revolve around women.

All I can tell you is : Be yourself and go for it without any second thoughts, when you give too much importance to something you're more likely to panic and end up messing it up, and believe me, this applies for everything (Interviews, exams, speeches...etc.)

You have to think rationally about it, don't let any emotions of fear and apprehension come into play.

Be as presentable as you can, look for an opportunity to talk to that woman (the best one being her in need of help), and just go for it, one discussion will bring another.

If it works, well congrats!
Otherwise, be proud of yourself, you faced your fears and gave it your best shot.
A few things about this.

Let me start by saying that this is in no way a criticism of Jungle, nor am I saying that this is poor advice. However, I am saying that this advice is difficult to follow and may not lead to the goals it is trying to accomplish.

I've done all of the steps that Jungle recommends and I've failed--at least in my view I failed--countless times. When "being yourself" and "going for it" doesn't work you feel like shit. You can try to congratulate yourself for trying, but that honestly won't mean much. If you're anything like me, you'll still feel like shit. On that note, it's pretty hard to approach a person rationally and logically and separate yourself from your emotions, when what you're doing--talking to and trying to connect to another person--is an exercise that is inherently emotional.

Furthermore, even if you're the most confident and self-assured person on the planet, you'll still face rejection. Let me be clear, I'm not saying you'll face rejection because I think you're a bad person or anything, but because statistically speaking you are bound to face rejection at some point, if it hasn't happened already. And when it does it will suck.

I do think that Jungle's advice is good in terms of working on self-confidence and starting relationships--friendship or otherwise--honestly. However, I don't think it really applies to "picking up girls" as Jungle implied at the start of his response.

I think the nature of your problem with speaking to women is a difficult one to give general advice for because there is no "general advice" for getting along with other people--men, women or otherwise.

Unless you're literally going to pick up women--in which case I recommend daily squat exercises (you'll want to lift with your legs) in addition to any upper-body work outs--I think you're out of luck, as no two people are the same. What works for me may not work for you. Furthermore, since we're adding other people to the mix (the men and women at your workplace) that further complicates things and makes applicable advice doubly difficult to give.

I think the best advice you've been given has been by DanielLewis. If you're struggling with making connections in general, you may want to start with lower stakes. Try to make friends with people before you shoot for marriage. And try not to compare yourself to other people. I say try, because it's difficult, if not impossible, not to.

I think that if you stop focusing on gendered relationships geared towards romance and broaden you scope to people with similar interests who you could have fun with, you'll feel a little better. If nothing else, if you make friends with people, they may have friends who are girls that they could introduce you to.

Sorry for how long that was, and I hope I didn't upset anyone.
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Old 06-28-2016
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Looking at it this way, not showing emotions when trying to connect to another person can't be more paradoxal. You are absolutely right on this, zharl.
However life itself is full of paradoxal phenomena.

One example being bargaining with some car dealer to get the lowest price possible. It is when you show him that "he needs your money more than you need the car" (even though this is the opposite) by seeming ready to drop the deal and walk out, that he'll be more likely to keep you and diminish the car's price...etc.

If you want to win a fight, seem weak when you are strong (so that people would underestimate you and not give all what they have), and strong when you are weak (so that people would be dissuaded to mess with you).

There are plenty of similar examples, this is my philosophy for pretty much everything.

Never tried this out with girls though, zharl has more experience than me in this regard.
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