Feeling lost

Hi,
i really need to share this....few years back when i was in school,i used to get constantly insulted..i mean i always felt humiliated over small things..like if a teacher asked me a question n if i wasn't able to answer it then i used to feel like that....it's just one example...everyday used to b my worst day ..i always felt like i don;t belong there...u knw i was a great friend to everyone,i used to help everyone,behave in a good manner n infact i used to get very good marks too..but still no one ever became my best friend..i was always a third wheel..they used me ..they said many hurtful things but i never replied in a harsh manner...i was so scared that no one will ever talk to me that i always followed them...there was one guy who used to b my friend but later on he started to develop feelings for me ..he made it that obvious that everyone in class knew n his friends started teasing me at each chance they got..he never stood up for me..i felt so disgusted wid myself but tell me if a guy likes me thn was it my fault? no right? thn y did they made me suffer? i accept that mybe i overthink everything ..maybe it was just a norrmal teasing but at that time it was hell for me...many things happened that made me go into the shell..i became introvert..never voiced out my thoughts.. everyday .i used to cry for hours.. i believe in GOD..so i used to pray furiously that please don't let anything bad happen tomorrow wid me...everyday i used to chant this...now 2 years later i again feel disgusted wid myself but for a very different reason.....now i want to go back in my past n answer them ...to punch them for making my life a living hell.....now i m a changed person...my personality has changed..i changed it because i don't want to b treated like trash ever again in my life...i hate my hometown ..i will never go back there..i hate that school..i hate everyone from that school....if i ever listen anything abyt them thn hatredd feeling for myself becomes too strong...i feel like beating myself for letting them to do all that with me...i m being homeschooled now because of them ..when i made the decision of studying from home..i was an emotional mess..i had no strength to confront anyone at all..so i decided to take a break from the outside world ..but now when i m all changed i regret doing this because again they won n again i m suffering...i don't know how to explain everything...i have so many problems that sometimes i truly want to end my life but the problem is i don't have that much courage...i m a failure in this too..i dunno how to explain everything which is happening wid me...i just don't know what to do!!!:sad:

Hello
First of all I would like to say you are a brave person. I mean it. If you think you lack courage, that is not true. You have faced those challenges that those unpleasant people put before you and you were nice, you want to change your past( how you behaved in the past) but it is no use. You can't go back, so why not focus on now.
You are a changed person now, with more insight , so you can use it in turning your life for better.
You say you left that place,do you like where you live now?
Don't take any rash step, I can understand how it feels when you want to end it all, but trust me that is not the way. If life is hard, you have to fight for it..All this sounds very optimistic but I want to tell you I do feel very depressed most of the time. But you know you have to force yourself because negativity loves to thrive.
I am sure you will find lots of people here who will help you , inspire you. So please don't feel alone.