Sacrament
Well-known member
and then you become more and more confident. I read this piece of advice on Russ Harris' The Confidence Gap. Felt odd to me, because all my life I would think things like "if I lose weight I'll be more confident", or "after I get braces I'll be more confident", etc. However, I noticed that my levels of confidence didn't really see much improvement after those things happened.
I've been thinking about this and trying to figure out ways in which I act more confident despite how nervous that makes me. Confronting my boss, for instance, is one of those things. Sometimes I'll spend days ruminating on something I want to say to her, or confront her about. Then I get paranoid that she'll react badly, and I dread the space between sending her an e-mail and reading her response. But after I do e-mail her with said confidence, I notice a slight boost on my overall confidence levels.
I'm self-conscious about my body, and focus way too much on appearances, thinking others are judging me for this or that particular physical aspect of who I am. Because of this, it's hard to interact with the opposite gender. However, there's this very attractive girl that works near my workplace and I see her almost every day. Naturally, I'd play out certain scenarios in my head involving any kind of interaction with her. For a couple of weeks I'd think about what I could say, and obviously I'd fear rejection (a bad reaction on her part) or stuttering, blushing, etc.
But the other day I figured I'd just do something. Life is short etc etc, people my age are dying in hospitals everywhere etc etc, being more regretful of things you didn't do rather than things you did, and so on. So I got off work and she was outside doing her thing, and since she had smiled at me before I wanted to let her know how pretty I thought she was. You never know, sometimes those little things can make someone's day a whole lot better.
The smile gave me a little bit of confidence, I suppose. So as I walked past her I just looked her in the eye and said "I missed seeing you here [she had been on vacation]. This street looks prettier when you're around." She smiled widely and thanked me, noticeably flattered and a bit shy from the compliment.
Two things happened here, or should happen: 1) I had to let go of expectations as much as I could. My goal was to say what was on my mind confidently, and that was it. Anything else that happened was a bonus. And 2) I felt quite a boost of confidence from doing that. Even though I had my issues with confidence and had no idea how it would go or how I'd 'perform', I felt the need to inject confidence into my actions. Because of this, the next few hours were spent feeling what seemed like natural confidence just occurring in everything I did. Sort of a natural high, I guess.
This is to say: don't wait until x or y happens in order for you to feel confidence. You'll never be 100% confident about something, and there's always gonna be that voice that tells you that it's gonna go wrong in a million different ways. Think of something you want to do, and think of how you'd do it if you were confident. Then, act the part. It can be facing a cashier at the store, calling someone for a chat, going for a walk with your dog, just anything that applies to your current situation and that you're dreading. Do it with the confidence you imagine yourself wanting to feel, and do it without specific expectations other than to keep doing it confidently. Afterwards, take notice of what you're feeling and allow yourself to feel that natural high, and apply the same approach to anything else you want to do.
Also, read Russ Harris' The Confidence Gap and The Happiness Trap. Awesome books.
I've been thinking about this and trying to figure out ways in which I act more confident despite how nervous that makes me. Confronting my boss, for instance, is one of those things. Sometimes I'll spend days ruminating on something I want to say to her, or confront her about. Then I get paranoid that she'll react badly, and I dread the space between sending her an e-mail and reading her response. But after I do e-mail her with said confidence, I notice a slight boost on my overall confidence levels.
I'm self-conscious about my body, and focus way too much on appearances, thinking others are judging me for this or that particular physical aspect of who I am. Because of this, it's hard to interact with the opposite gender. However, there's this very attractive girl that works near my workplace and I see her almost every day. Naturally, I'd play out certain scenarios in my head involving any kind of interaction with her. For a couple of weeks I'd think about what I could say, and obviously I'd fear rejection (a bad reaction on her part) or stuttering, blushing, etc.
But the other day I figured I'd just do something. Life is short etc etc, people my age are dying in hospitals everywhere etc etc, being more regretful of things you didn't do rather than things you did, and so on. So I got off work and she was outside doing her thing, and since she had smiled at me before I wanted to let her know how pretty I thought she was. You never know, sometimes those little things can make someone's day a whole lot better.
The smile gave me a little bit of confidence, I suppose. So as I walked past her I just looked her in the eye and said "I missed seeing you here [she had been on vacation]. This street looks prettier when you're around." She smiled widely and thanked me, noticeably flattered and a bit shy from the compliment.
Two things happened here, or should happen: 1) I had to let go of expectations as much as I could. My goal was to say what was on my mind confidently, and that was it. Anything else that happened was a bonus. And 2) I felt quite a boost of confidence from doing that. Even though I had my issues with confidence and had no idea how it would go or how I'd 'perform', I felt the need to inject confidence into my actions. Because of this, the next few hours were spent feeling what seemed like natural confidence just occurring in everything I did. Sort of a natural high, I guess.
This is to say: don't wait until x or y happens in order for you to feel confidence. You'll never be 100% confident about something, and there's always gonna be that voice that tells you that it's gonna go wrong in a million different ways. Think of something you want to do, and think of how you'd do it if you were confident. Then, act the part. It can be facing a cashier at the store, calling someone for a chat, going for a walk with your dog, just anything that applies to your current situation and that you're dreading. Do it with the confidence you imagine yourself wanting to feel, and do it without specific expectations other than to keep doing it confidently. Afterwards, take notice of what you're feeling and allow yourself to feel that natural high, and apply the same approach to anything else you want to do.
Also, read Russ Harris' The Confidence Gap and The Happiness Trap. Awesome books.
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