Gateway To Rawz's Mind

Rawz

Well-known member
This is my SP Blog, which will contain journal-type posts and other things that I have in my head and want to share. I encourage comments, criticisms, critiques, etc. Let me know what you think.

This is kind of a trial run, for when I have a blog/website of my own. I thought about using my DeviantArt page, but I don't receive comments on journal entries there.

So, for my first entry:



Honestly it's not that I don't have enough time, it's that my brain doesn't function good enough to accomplish things as quickly as other people. But this won't stop me, and one day I hope to be able to accomplish more, in the same amount of time.

As the the tittle says, there are many, many things that I have to learn. Many things related to my art and hobbies, and many things not related to my hobbies. I'm just going to stick with my art and hobbies during this journal entry.

Back when I was a kid (ages 12-18), I used to create poor quality 3D models for a computer game called Midtown Madness 2. I stopped around the age of 18 or so and started spending my time doing other things, but I always thought about returning to 3D modeling and create higher quality things than I did for MM2 (MM2 is very limited due to when it was made and how it was programmed). Recently, out of nowhere, I decided to check and see if the main MM2 sites were still online. I was surprised to see that they were.

After browsing them for awhile, I decided, spurt of the moment, to start modeling another track for MM2. The more I worked on it, the more fun I had, and this surprised me. And the more I work on it, the more fun I have, and the more serious I become about it.

Due to a project I am working on that relates to my art and hobbies, I have been doing some simple programming. Programming is another thing I did while I was modeling for MM2. It was always simple things, mostly HTML and CSS. I actually first started learning basic programming with Visual Basic back when I was 11. I attempted to learn C++ but it was way too complicated for me. I was never good at anything of these things, but I really enjoyed them and had lots of fun.

I guess what I am trying to say with all of this, besides just sharing some things about myself, is that I recently discovered that, some of the things that I stopped doing, I still enjoy. Even though I gave up on some of them years ago (like programming), I still really want to be good at them. I still would LOVE to be very good at programming. And I think I forgot this. It's interesting how I sometimes forget something about myself and then rediscover it later on.

So I am starting out with programming simple, with HTML, CSS, Apophysis/Pascal, and Javascript.

I'm not sure if it is possible to gain the level of skill that I want with programming. I am much more capable now than I was when I was a kid, but that's not saying much. Looking back, I am...stunned at how horrendously bad my brain worked. But I will do what I can to improve my health and my cognition. And I will continue to work hard.

What I am doing now--teaching myself things that I want to learn, things that I need to know, and things that will allow me to get more out of like--is very important to me. And I want to be able to spend as much time as I possibly can every single day doing this, regardless of what kind of sacrifices I have to make to be able to do this.
 

MikeyC

Well-known member
Cool thread, Rawz! Following because you're a fellow metalhead, haha.

As for programming, you can't be expected to know C++ so early on. My brother would be able to handle your topic better than me, because he wants to be a computer programmer, too. If I remember correctly, he uses/used Visual Basic for some of his programming. He's currently learning how to create Android apps. I think you should continue with this because there's apparently unlimited potential when it comes to what you can program, as long as you put your mind to what you're doing and you're interested in it.

When I was younger I used to create levels for the old Doom games. I used to be pretty good at it but the design was simple enough when you got the hang of it. I used to love doing it but then as I got older, Doom got out of favour, I changed computers so those games couldn't run anymore, and I just stopped doing it. That's as much "programming" as I ever did! ::p:

What are some specific things you're learning now? Not just in programming, but generally? You mentioned you're learning things that allow you to get the most out of life. Like what, exactly?
 

Rawz

Well-known member
I think you should continue with this because there's apparently unlimited potential when it comes to what you can program, as long as you put your mind to what you're doing and you're interested in it.

Yeah, that's one of the reasons why I would like to be really good at it. If you're good enough, you can modify any game or program, make things easier, quicker, automated, etc.

When I was younger I used to create levels for the old Doom games. I used to be pretty good at it but the design was simple enough when you got the hang of it. I used to love doing it but then as I got older, Doom got out of favour, I changed computers so those games couldn't run anymore, and I just stopped doing it. That's as much "programming" as I ever did! ::p:

Cool. Do you still have them? I would assume you can run them on Windows 7, I know you can run them on XP. Doomsday is a great program for running them.

What are some specific things you're learning now? Not just in programming, but generally? You mentioned you're learning things that allow you to get the most out of life. Like what, exactly?

Lots of things. Anything and everything. I'm intelligent enough to realize how ignorant I am, but that's where it ends. :shyness:

Basically, I've lived a very sheltered life. I was homeschooled from when I had to learn to read, talk, and write, until I was done with high school. I never had many friends and never did much with other kids. During most of my childhood, I was only socialized with other kids about twice a week (sometimes once, sometimes none).

During my teenage years I never had any friends in real life, only online. I spent more time around other people during my teenage years, but I didn't learn much of anything. My social skills and my emotional intelligence are terrible. So something I'm working on learning now is body language. I plan on learning sociology sometime soon too.

My education was very poor. After about 4th grade, my mom really couldn't teach me anything, so I only had books. I was my own teacher. I hated school when I was a kid and found it incredibly boring. I learned very little (which is why I've struggled so much when trying to learn programming). I can score decently on tests because all the information is in front of me, including the answer, but if I had to write everything down from just memory alone with no hints I would fail.

Economics and politics are also subjects I want to learn. If I start getting good enough at programming, I'm going to want to relearn math/learn any needed math that I never learned. Maybe also physics, if I can ever program video games or mods for video games.
 

Rawz

Well-known member
I want, I want, I want. I want so many different things. I sometimes feel like I am caged or chained. I feel this strong desire to do things, but my body is tired and sore and injured. It needs to heal but my mind is ready to GO. Sometimes at night the desire is so strong that I DO NOT want to calm down--to stretch and meditate--and try to help my body heal.

I think that Lexapro is messing with my sleep. I sleep for long enough, but it's not restorative. My body is not healing right at night. I never experienced this before the incident with Paxil and then going on Lexapro. Sometimes I considered slowly getting off of Lexapro and then riding things out for a few months and see if I come around.

Back in December/January I had a period of one month where everything was infinitely better. I felt better and healthier, and my body WAS healthier. My soreness went away. My aches and pains went away. My body was able to heal like it is supposed to.

I was stronger too. I mean my strength sky rocketed. My first workout during this period was just deadlifting and I went heavier with the weight then I ever have. Usually when I workout heavy I get really sore, but this time I was only mildly sore. And the next I was barely sore at all. I recovered from this workout in 48 hours.

I had a lot more energy, and I was EXCITED--yes excited!--to do things. I was motivated. I was trying to accomplish and learn as much as I could every day. My brain worked so much better. I could think better. I could look at art on DeviantArt and, unlike before where I might spend minutes trying to think of something to say about it, could come up with a good comment easily.

I had times at night after stretching, massaging, etc, I had absolutely NO anxiety or stress or depression. It was heaven. It was pure bliss. It was unlike anything I've ever experienced.

Normally I feel old. I'm always sore, tired, I have aches and pains, I have a hard time concentrating, being creative (usually lack any creativity), etc. But during this period I actually felt my real age.

I continued working out after this and was able to keep it up for a couple of weeks, but I wasn't recovering fast enough. I started getting sorer and sorer, and now my back is kinda screwed up. So now, in some ways, I am worse off than I was before this period. In other ways, I am better.

I WANT THIS BACK. I feel that I deserve it. I don't think I deserve to be tired all the time. Or sore regardless of what I do. I don't think I deserve to feel like an old man. I have worked for 2-3 years--sometimes very hard--to be healthy. To be strong. To be young.

I had routine for months where I would get ready for bed the same time every night. I would stretch, meditate, drink some chamomile tea, take some melatonin, write, work on my thoughts and beliefs, and go to sleep. Every night.

Sometime last year I started massaging too. Once, for one week, I would massage my whole body (would take an hour), then stretch (takes 45-60 minutes), meditate(20 minutes), maybe write.

During the last couple of weeks I've barely done any of these things. And I'm staying up late. I'm frustrated, angry, and depressed.

I'm frustrated and angry at how hard I've worked for two years and I still cannot have the health, energy, strength, and brain function I want the majority of the time.

I won't stop. I will never stop. But I might try being off of SSRIs for awhile.

There's so much more I could say. So much more going on in my mind. The future is very uncertain. And I feel like if I don't find a way to have the kind of health and functioning that I had during the month all the time, consistently. That I will drown.
 

MikeyC

Well-known member
Why do you think what you had before is gone? Have you changed your routine to something a little more destructive? You said you're staying up late. Maybe that's it. Maybe you just need to get to sleep earlier, even if it's not restorative.

I hope you find your mojo again.
 

Steiner

Well-known member
Why do you think what you had before is gone? Have you changed your routine to something a little more destructive? You said you're staying up late. Maybe that's it. Maybe you just need to get to sleep earlier, even if it's not restorative.

I hope you find your mojo again.

austin-powers-cocktail-glass-4900072.jpg


Ah yes not sure what I can really say. Not sure a person like me should give a ton of advice for how to fix your situation. I guess um perhaps look at the sky. I usually feel better when I look at the sky. Though I am not sure if that would work where you are at since the sky in the city is blurred. It is not as beautiful as in the countryside. Not sure what to help. Different things make different people feel better. *cough*
 

Rawz

Well-known member
Why do you think what you had before is gone?

I don't think, I know. My sleep was restorative then, or something was causing my body to recover quicker then it ever has. I have never been that strong before, no matter what I did. I have never recovered that quickly.

I do wonder thought if placebo keeps coming in to play, and if so, when, how strongly etc. This has all been so complicated...:idontknow:

Have you changed your routine to something a little more destructive? You said you're staying up late. Maybe that's it. Maybe you just need to get to sleep earlier, even if it's not restorative.

You're right. I really do need to go to sleep earlier. I have struggled with sleep for the past 8 years. There are multiple reasons. One thing though is I prefer night to day. Everyone else in the house is asleep. They won't bother me, they won't distract me, etc. I am alone a free to do what I want without having any external things distracting me. I feel more comfortable doing things at night. This is another reason I would like to pick up, move, and live alone. Wheter

I hope you find your mojo again.

Thanks.

Ah yes not sure what I can really say. Not sure a person like me should give a ton of advice for how to fix your situation. I guess um perhaps look at the sky. I usually feel better when I look at the sky. Though I am not sure if that would work where you are at since the sky in the city is blurred. It is not as beautiful as in the countryside. Not sure what to help. Different things make different people feel better. *cough*

I am in out in the countryside though. I've never lived in the city, but I would kind of like to for a little while. Just for a change and because I would be so close to stores and stuff.

I do remember I had a short time where I liked to look up at the stars.
 

Rawz

Well-known member
And now, for a rant.

Video ads. WHO THOUGHT THEY WERE A GOOD IDEA?!

A lot of ads are bad enough just being images. Animate images can even more annoying, but video ads?! Really. I mean if they are on/in videos, like on a site such as youtube, then okay. I'm okay with that. But when they are on a site where they're on a sidebar, maybe on a site that doesn't even have any other videos on it, that's just insanely annoying. Especially when they have sound. And most of the video ads I come across are just something random and stupid. I would give examples but I've already bleached my mind.

I haven't been keeping up with news these days, but I remember back when I did, and especially when I frequently visited certain forums, I heard a lot of talk about data caps/usage for internet usage and it I remember reading articles acting like the amount of data being used was a problem and costing ISPs a lot of money, etc. So I have to wonder: why do video ads exist? I mean on a site like Youtube, the majority of the time you are only forced to watch about 5 seconds, so that wouldn't use much data. But ads thrown on a site that play automatically and don't play until they end, and could last 2 minutes. That could be a lot of megabytes.

I'm on a new installation of XP and don't have adblock plus installed yet, so...

Rant over.
 

MikeyC

Well-known member
You're right. I really do need to go to sleep earlier. I have struggled with sleep for the past 8 years. There are multiple reasons. One thing though is I prefer night to day. Everyone else in the house is asleep. They won't bother me, they won't distract me, etc. I am alone a free to do what I want without having any external things distracting me. I feel more comfortable doing things at night. This is another reason I would like to pick up, move, and live alone. Wheter
Even if you do prefer night to day, you can still give yourself a couple of hours at night when your parents have gone to bed. Instead of going all night and sleeping all day - which is against our circadian rhythms and a reason your sleep isn't restorative - give yourself two or three hours, then go to bed. That way you still have the afternoon daylight to enjoy. :)
 

Rawz

Well-known member
I can't fail. I can't live a life of ignorance and mediocrity. I have to succeed. I either become the person I want to be and get the life I want, or I die trying.

This is my life now. This is what matters. Not money (although that will be needed), not a career, nothing. Just putting everything I've got into improving myself as much as I every single day. Whether I have any help or not. Whether I have teachers or I am my own teacher.

Gaining the intelligence, knowledge, and skills that I want and ones that will allow me to get more out of life.

I can't let anything get in the way of this. I have to get out of my own way.
 

Rawz

Well-known member
What do you want to improve?

Almost everything about myself, down to my core. I want to change the most ingrained things inside of me. I want everything negative thing inside of me that doesn't help me, gone.

So I'm going to start a new routine tomorrow. It's similar to what I've done in before, recently, but I never stuck with it long enough. This is it:

  • 10:58AM -- Wake up, get out of bed
  • 11AM -- Meditate
  • 11:15AM -- Bathroom, Brush teeth
  • 11:30AM -- Breakfast
  • 12AM-7PM -- Whatever I need to do
  • 6:45PM -- Brush teeth, floss
  • 7PM -- Last meal, Bowl of oatmeal, Cup of green tea
  • 7:30PM -- Massage
  • 8:30PM -- Stretch
  • 9:15PM -- Meditate, Write
  • 10PM -- Time to sleep

I have to get serious again. It's time to destroy all my old habits and put new ones in their place. I'm going to cut out all junk food/sodas/etc for awhile. I still want to lose weight.
 
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MikeyC

Well-known member
You're giving yourself 13 hours of sleep a day? That's a lot. Do you think you'll be able to keep us this kind of schedule?

Eliminating junk food and soda is good, but you don't have to completely get rid of them from your diet forever. Moderation is important. :)
 

Rawz

Well-known member
You're giving yourself 13 hours of sleep a day? That's a lot. Do you think you'll be able to keep us this kind of schedule?

My sleep is unfortunately fragmented. It's because of a UTI/Prostate infection that I haven't been able to get rid of. I've tried every anti-biotic available for such infections, except one. Levaquin worked but I didn't take it long enough and the infection became resistant to it. The only anti-biotic I haven't tried is very similar to Levaquin. All the others I have tried either didn't work or made me very tired and weak and I just couldn't tolerate it.

So I won't be sleeping that entire time. Usually I get about 4-6 hours, have trouble getting back too sleep (but am too tired to actually stay up for the rest of the day), stay up awhile, then go back to sleep. Honestly I really like to try different, possibly crazy, sleep routines. To explore all options. But it isn't feasible right now with my current situation.

Eliminating junk food and soda is good, but you don't have to completely get rid of them from your diet forever. Moderation is important. :)

I have some minimal acid reflux still. The more carbonation I take in, the worse it is. When I have completely cut out sodas, I have felt better. Maybe not forever, but I need to cut out sodas for quit awhile.

It's hard to lose any significant amount of weight if I eat junk food. But I won't stay away forever, just a few months.
 

MikeyC

Well-known member
My sleep is unfortunately fragmented. It's because of a UTI/Prostate infection that I haven't been able to get rid of. I've tried every anti-biotic available for such infections, except one. Levaquin worked but I didn't take it long enough and the infection became resistant to it. The only anti-biotic I haven't tried is very similar to Levaquin. All the others I have tried either didn't work or made me very tired and weak and I just couldn't tolerate it.

So I won't be sleeping that entire time. Usually I get about 4-6 hours, have trouble getting back too sleep (but am too tired to actually stay up for the rest of the day), stay up awhile, then go back to sleep. Honestly I really like to try different, possibly crazy, sleep routines. To explore all options. But it isn't feasible right now with my current situation.
What will you do in the 7-9 hours you're awake in that time? That's a very large portion of the day where you'll be awake with nothing to do. If you take this antibiotic that's similar to Levaquin, and it works, will it regulate your sleeping more? Will you feel more tired and want to sleep for thirteen hours a day?

I have some minimal acid reflux still. The more carbonation I take in, the worse it is. When I have completely cut out sodas, I have felt better. Maybe not forever, but I need to cut out sodas for quit awhile.

It's hard to lose any significant amount of weight if I eat junk food. But I won't stay away forever, just a few months.
Maybe I'm lucky because I never enjoyed carbonated drinks, so soda is never something I reach for, but I do know that it's not good for you. Coke, Pepsi, and the rest don't do you any good. I know it's difficult when there's vending machines everywhere, though.

Eating a smaller amount of junk food is still a step in the right direction. Dark chocolate is actually good for you and there's some healthier options with junk food places. The more you resist McDonald's, KFC, Domino's, and the rest, the better you'll be, but there's nothing wrong with a Big Mac every now and again if you fancy it.

Good luck with all of this. Losing weight and seeing tangible results from it is awesome.
 

Rawz

Well-known member
What will you do in the 7-9 hours you're awake in that time? That's a very large portion of the day where you'll be awake with nothing to do.

Oh I have plenty to do. I have a few projects I'm working. I progress slowly, so it's not that much time for me. I wasn't raised/educated similar to most other people. I don't learn as quickly or accomplish as much in the same amount of time...which is something I hope I can change, but for now...

If you take this antibiotic that's similar to Levaquin, and it works, will it regulate your sleeping more? Will you feel more tired and want to sleep for thirteen hours a day?

Well getting rid of the infection will get rid of the increased urgency at night. It doesn't matter how much or how little I drink. I still will wake up a few times during the night needing to go to the bathroom.

Good luck with all of this. Losing weight and seeing tangible results from it is awesome.

Thank you.:)
 

Steiner

Well-known member
Hey Rawz.

I like your DeviantArt stuff. It looks pretty cool.

Good luck with your weight loss goals and your infection. I know I could stand to lose a few pounds. :thumbup:
 

Rawz

Well-known member
Hey Rawz.

I like your DeviantArt stuff. It looks pretty cool.

Good luck with your weight loss goals and your infection. I know I could stand to lose a few pounds. :thumbup:

Thanks.

I'm glad you like my stuff.

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I used to believe that I deserved to be miserable. That I didn't deserve to have a good life. That I didn't deserve anything good. I guess I still believe this. But it used to be a much stronger belief. I don't know why I believed this. My memory isn't very good, none of my memories are complete--there are a lot of details missing. I can't remember very much from when I was very young. Sometimes I wonder if I had one or more traumatic experiences. I'll probably never know. If it were true, it probably wouldn't even help to know.

There's still a lot of pain deep down inside, and it's hard to bring it to the surface to deal with it. When I was a teenager I would cry almost every night. It might sound depressing, but it was healing. Ever since Paxil...crying doesn't come easy like that. At times, it's been impossible. Oftentimes I can feel the tears and sadness behind my eyes, but they can't get out. There is a dam holding them back that can't be broken.
 

MikeyC

Well-known member
Oh I have plenty to do. I have a few projects I'm working. I progress slowly, so it's not that much time for me. I wasn't raised/educated similar to most other people. I don't learn as quickly or accomplish as much in the same amount of time...which is something I hope I can change, but for now...
Okay, as long as you have something to do and you're not just staring at the ceiling waiting for sleep. :bigsmile: What are your projects?

I used to believe that I deserved to be miserable. That I didn't deserve to have a good life. That I didn't deserve anything good. I guess I still believe this. But it used to be a much stronger belief. I don't know why I believed this. My memory isn't very good, none of my memories are complete--there are a lot of details missing. I can't remember very much from when I was very young. Sometimes I wonder if I had one or more traumatic experiences. I'll probably never know. If it were true, it probably wouldn't even help to know.
I often believe I deserve misery, too, but realistically we both know that's not the truth.

If you have fragmented details of your past, that could very well be because of repressed memories/trauma. I think it might actually help to know what they are so you can get through them, if they exist.

There's still a lot of pain deep down inside, and it's hard to bring it to the surface to deal with it. When I was a teenager I would cry almost every night. It might sound depressing, but it was healing. Ever since Paxil...crying doesn't come easy like that. At times, it's been impossible. Oftentimes I can feel the tears and sadness behind my eyes, but they can't get out. There is a dam holding them back that can't be broken.
Crying isn't easy. I know the feeling you're talking about when there's a dam holding them back behind your eyes. A good release of tears is healing, so you're right about that. It's the ultimate outpouring of sad emotions.
 

Rawz

Well-known member
What are your projects?

My future website. A 3D model for MM2. Other 3D projects. And more.

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FRUSTRATION. I feel caged. Chained. I KNOW that I am capable of so much more. I know I can be who I want to be. I know I can have the strength, health, and knowledge that I want. But only if I solve the thing that is in my way: my sleep.

I'm just not sure I can fix this on my own. I think Lexapro does both good and bad. I think the way I used Paxil might have permanently changed my brain, and that I might be dependent on SRRIs for the rest of my life. The only problem there is finding one that works without side effects that get in the way.

I wish I had done a lot of things differently. I wish my parents hadn't of been clueless when drugs were combined with my own teenage behavior and ignorance. There are mistakes I made that I wish I had never made. And the bittersweet part about it is that, if I had never made any of those mistakes, although I would be better off in some ways, I most likely would have never ended up getting therapy. I probably wouldn't have stumbled upon my therapist.

It's hard to say whether or not I would have gained the desire I have for self improvement. I would like to say that I would have regardless. Because some things would have been the same regardless of my use/experience of SSRIs.

Warning: Audio/Song NSFW.
Ghoul - 10 What A Wonderful World (Louis Armstrong) - YouTube
 
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