Getting into a talkative state

Have you ever noticed how, sometimes you're phenomenal at keeping a conversation going - you might even be surprised at the simplicity of it? Everything just flows effortlessly. It might not happen that often, but if you think back, it's happened at least once in your life, maybe long ago, as a kid. You were in a talkative state of mind. How do you get into a talkative state?

When you're alone and not doing anything engaging, you are inside your head. What does that mean? When you're inside your head, you don't need to communicate clearly, because you're only thinking to yourself, and your brain registers thoughts faster than you can express them. This means your thoughts are scattered and unfocused. Too much time in this state leads to insanity.

I propose that a large portion of mental disorders develop from spending too much time inside your head. Human beings are evolutionarily designed to live in tribes, constantly surrounded by about 40 people, from birth to death. We spent about 200,000 years living that way, and only about 10,000 years living in civilizations. We are DESIGNED to be in CONSTANT, face-to-face, contact with other human beings.

So how do you go from being inside your head to getting into a talkative state? There are a few things to help you get into state, that you can do before you start talking to someone. These things are to get you out of your head, so the transition will be easier:

-Listen to upbeat music. Music engages the same parts of our brain that language/communication does.
-Sing. This focuses your thoughts on your voice and rhythm.
-Dance. A lot of guys might have a problem with this one, even in the privacy of their own homes but it works. After dancing you'll feel less inhibited.
-Exercise. In a way, it unplugs your brain temporarily as you focus on the exercise. It also releases endorphins.
-Laugh. Watch something funny and laugh really hard. Works in a similar way as exercise.

All of the above will help, but you still have to do one thing: Start talking to someone! Gradually you will shift into a talkative state. If you were way deep inside your head before you started talking, then it's going to be a rough conversation, until you transition into a talkative state. You might even get rejected immediately - the only solution is to recover and start talking to someone else. It's the same way for everyone. The only difference is that, outgoing people have more experience, so their transition is faster.

Interesting theory, though I mostly struggle with this because I lack subjects to talk about, not starting a conversation. Jumping into an ongoing conversation which is going on between others is almost impossible, as I feel I've got to know the two {or more for that matter} well enough to be a part of it^^.

i feel like when i talk too much with someone ,for like 3 hours , at the 2 :40 i will have a talkative state and start feeling better ,but it just lasts long enough for me to notice.is so weird.

Havocan said:

Interesting theory, though I mostly struggle with this because I lack subjects to talk about, not starting a conversation. Jumping into an ongoing conversation which is going on between others is almost impossible, as I feel I've got to know the two {or more for that matter} well enough to be a part of it^^.

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There are literally unlimited things to talk about at any given time. The problem is not being in a talkative state.

lettypagb said:

i feel like when i talk too much with someone ,for like 3 hours , at the 2 :40 i will have a talkative state and start feeling better ,but it just lasts long enough for me to notice.is so weird.

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Exactly, thanks for that example! The deeper inside your head that you are, the longer it will take to get into a talkative state. It might even take almost 3 hours for you. For an experienced, outgoing person, they can warm up almost instantly.

Hmm I thought I will read about getting drunk here... makes sense when Iam drunk Iam not in my head, I focus on my surroundings, where is something fun I could talk about or talk with haha

Agree a lot with this, if you socialize for a bit with the same person you just met, first time Iam in my head, convo is shitty, with time the more time I spend with him, no head stuff going on anymore and conversations seem so natural

Good point on most mental disorders developing coz people are to much in their head... Iam a big thinker and keep everything to myself... ha well not online, I revealed quite a lot about myself here... just in real life

j_brown2 said:

Hmm I thought I will read about getting drunk here... makes sense when Iam drunk Iam not in my head, I focus on my surroundings, where is something fun I could talk about or talk with haha

Agree a lot with this, if you socialize for a bit with the same person you just met, first time Iam in my head, convo is shitty, with time the more time I spend with him, no head stuff going on anymore and conversations seem so natural

Good point on most mental disorders developing coz people are to much in their head... Iam a big thinker and keep everything to myself... ha well not online, I revealed quite a lot about myself here... just in real life

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Hahaha yeah alcohol will definitely help, but I am 100% against it, because it can easily become an addicting crutch. It's the reason why they serve it in night clubs Night clubs are designed to pump up everyone's talkative state, and get everyone outside of their heads. Just think about it:
-Extremely loud, positive music
-Bright flashing lights
-Dancing
-Alcohol
-Lots of people packed close together

It's a great place to practice socializing, but I would advise against alcohol. Anyway I kinda got off topic, but yeah alcohol works but I see it as an addicting crutch.

Alcohol always helps you getting more talkative.

True, clubbs are like a totally different world, strangers talk to each other, so much socializing is going on there, just giving a girl a chewing gum can lead into something, every one is so open and just wanting to socialize

Havocan said:

Interesting theory, though I mostly struggle with this because I lack subjects to talk about, not starting a conversation. Jumping into an ongoing conversation which is going on between others is almost impossible, as I feel I've got to know the two {or more for that matter} well enough to be a part of it^^.

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One of the easiest ways to learn how to become a better conversationalist is to first learn how to ask questions. No matter what you're discussing, you can always take control the conversation by asking good questions. Some good stock ones are: "What makes you so passionate about X? - Can you break that down for me? - What was that like?" etc...

Get used to leading conversations by getting the other person to offer up more info. And when they respond, make sure to listen. The easiest way to be thought of as a good conversationalist is to show others that you're actually interested in what they have to say.

j_brown2 said:

True, clubbs are like a totally different world, strangers talk to each other, so much socializing is going on there, just giving a girl a chewing gum can lead into something, every one is so open and just wanting to socialize

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It may seem that way, but it's far from true. Most people go out to clubs in groups and they remain in their little group for most of the night. Very few people are socializing with others they don't know. Most are more concerned with looking cool than being friendly and open.

Havocan said:

Alcohol always helps you getting more talkative.

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That's because it makes you less self-conscious. The act of communicating is just as natural as breathing. We stifle this natural ability when we get stuck in our heads, worrying about how we will be perceived by others (a learned behavior which is completely unnatural).

Inhibit the mechanism that makes us fear social consequences and you'll get real chatty real fast since you'll be returned to your natural state. I'm sure there's a deeper scientific explanation, but this one works for me.

And SickJoke is right... it's a major mistake to rely on alcohol as a crutch for reaching this state, because of all the negative effects that go along with it. Not to mention that it's almost impossible to keep your BA levels exactly where they need to be to keep you talkative and feeling good while avoiding slurring, tiredness and reduced cognitive functioning. Maybe someone should invent a portable drip unit for administering Everclear by IV.

Good talking begins with good listening.

Thanks for the response Jay, good advice.

Kamen said:

Good talking begins with good listening.

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Words of wisdom.

SickJoke said:

Thanks for the response Jay, good advice.

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Np. I'm happy to contribute.

Kamen said:

Good talking begins with good listening.

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Good advice, but good listening actually takes a lot of work. I fear that I am too lazy to properly listen to people- I have to genuinely be interested in what is being said, and when someone is talking about themselves, I have to relate in some way in order to be interested. Maybe as a social-phobe I've gotten self absorbed- not in a selfish, narcissistic way, but just in being mostly focused on things that directly relate to myself- maybe this is normal, and other people just have more ways of relating to people. I just find that genuinely listening, truly taking in what is being said, is very exhausting.

Another great post. A can very much relate to all your points as the further and further I take to curing the bit of SA I have. I find these things to help you communicate. Just have fun.

I also see where upbeat music would help, although I would never give up my Death Metal music. But it isn't exactly down beat, it's more of like hate music. lululul

lurknomore said:

Good advice, but good listening actually takes a lot of work.

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So does getting up every day and going to work. So does doing to the gym. So does eating healthy. So does studying. What's wrong with putting work and effort into the things that are important?

For me, mustering up the energy to complain about my life takes a ton of work. Why not spend that energy in a more productive way?

Jay Cataldo said:

So does getting up every day and going to work. So does doing to the gym. So does eating healthy. So does studying. What's wrong with putting work and effort into the things that are important?

For me, mustering up the energy to complain about my life takes a ton of work. Why not spend that energy in a more productive way?

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Good points, and I feel that I am using my energy in productive ways. I'm not on this forum to "complain" about my life, maybe just find ways to cope with SA and find other people that I can identify with. My point was that being a good listener is easier said than done, not necessarily that I personally don't want to do the work necessary to make it happen.

lurknomore said:

Good points, and I feel that I am using my energy in productive ways. I'm not on this forum to "complain" about my life, maybe just find ways to cope with SA and find other people that I can identify with. My point was that being a good listener is easier said than done, not necessarily that I personally don't want to do the work necessary to make it happen.

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That's great. Then you should make it your personal mission to learn how to listen. Go find 5 people and get them to open up about their lives, their views, what's important to them, etc. and make sure you stay focused. Once they spit everything out, respond with, "Ok, so what you're saying is...(and repeat back their words)". Ask for clarification and then pay attention some more.

Go do this and report back.

I can do the parroting thing with close friends but it's difficult to think of something which relates to trivial things, "look I have burn on my finger!" Usually I'll say "where did you get that from?" but after they answer the conversation stops because I'm accustomed to relying on the other person for stimulation. It helps if we plan what we want to talk about but when I get into the situation sometimes I'll forget what that was because I'm listening to the current convo yet facing the same problem about wanting to say something related but not thinking of anything. I know it doesn't have to be related, but I've forgotten my planned topic, being too shy to plunge in like a needle into a bubbly blob of jelly 0.o I suppose the real questions I've always wanted to ask, I fear it might be too personal for them to want to answer, I also want to be tactful but I suppose I have to take some risks sooner or later.

"So what you're saying is.." seems useful when discussing an idea but might get annoying when someone is telling an anecdote unless you say something that is connected but not identical to what is being said. I don't have an issue with listening but I can't extrapolate and respond quickly enough and most people don't have the patience, I more often think of something to say after the convo has ended.

The only person I can converse with now is my mom, but when I was a kid there were a few people I could pretty easily talk to.

thanks for the great post! Yeah exercise really helps...I'm so funny and outgoing at karate but nowhere else lol...I think the only thing standing in my way on the road to getting over SA is this. So thanks for the advice!!!