Good Days/Bad Days

TooShyShy

Well-known member
Hello All-

Ok...hopefully i can get some input on why my shy guy at work can have 2 or 3 reeeeeeally good days with me at work; relaxed (for him) and smiling at me, making alot of eye contact, going out of his way for me when i need something, trying to be around me constantly, walking by me when i am talking to someone over and over again just to say hello, etc.

BUT then after those few days go by and i am starting to feel he really is getting comfortable and there is real hope AND i see he is trying so hard to be near me and show me (in his way) he likes me THEN he starts to shut down completely; can't be around me, hides in his office for hours, can't make eye contact, won't connect with me at all, etc. its like we have to start all over again every few days!!!!! WHY??????

WHAT IS THIS AND WHY CAN'T HE BE COMFORATABLE LONGER THAN 2 OR 3 DAYS IN A ROW?????

I WAS SO HOPEFUL A FEW WEEKS AGO BCUZ HE WAS REALLY PUTTING HIMSELF OUT THERE TO SHOW ME AND BE AROUND ME, THEN HE STOPPED AND GOT VERY WITHDRAWN.

AND NOW THESE LAST FEW DAYS (ESPECIALLY TODAY) HE COULDN'T BE AROUND ME ENOUGH...HE'S BEEN GOING OUT OF HIS WAY THESE LAST TWO DAYS TO BE NEAR ME. WE MADE EYE CONTACT AND SMILED AT ONE ANOTHER A FEW TIMES AND HE KEPT COMING AROUND ME..ALL SMILES, HAPPY AND RELAXED!!!!!!

HE TENDS TO GET SUPER NERVOUS IF I MAKE SOME SWEET GESTURE TOWARDS HIM; BAKING COOKIES, GIVING HIM A CARD, ASKING HIM FOR HIS EMAIL, COMPLIMENT HIM ON HIS SENSE OF HUMORE..OR SOMETHING FUNNY HE DID, ETC. HE GETS SO FREAKED OUT FOR A DAY OR SO AND THEN AFTER THAT HE'S BACK AND TRYING TO GET MY ATTENTION AND DOING ALL THE THINGS HE DOES TO SHOW ME HE DOESN'T WANT ME TO GIVE UP ON HIM---THIS IS HOW I AM READING THE SIGNALS---WHY GET SO SCARED AND HIDE WHEN I DO SOMETHING TO SHOW HIM I CARE AND THEN THE NEXT DAY BE AROUND ME SO MUCH?????

I just don't want to keep getting my hopes up and then ALL OF A SUDDEN feel like i got punched in the stomach.

I just wish i knew how to get him out of these up and down emotional cycles???

I am still holding on to my Valentines card i picked out for him...what do i do????



Thanks :)
 
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Carlsbad

Active member
It is because he is scared to change. He has been alone his entire adult life, and when you start to get close to him, he gets horrified about what is to come: disclosure. He will be faced with the burden of having to tell you about his lack of relationships, and will feel ashamed. So he much rather run away from you when you show interest, rather than be embarrassed in front of you. That is what I believe is the problem.
 

TooShyShy

Well-known member
Thank you carlsbad...it makes sense.

I know if he didn't like me he wouldn't react this way and treat me the way he does..unlike everyone else at work..its amazing how different he is around me.

So what should i do? I can't take away his fear or shame.
Do i keep doing things, showing him..like my V-day card????

Thanks again.
 

Carlsbad

Active member
Thank you carlsbad...it makes sense.

I know if he didn't like me he wouldn't react this way and treat me the way he does..unlike everyone else at work..its amazing how different he is around me.

So what should i do? I can't take away his fear or shame.
Do i keep doing things, showing him..like my V-day card????

Thanks again.

Yeah, just give him the card! It will make him feel good, dispite what his outward apperance may show. Try to ask him out in a generous way, like you love to go out for coffee, but no-one is available to go with you. Ask him then if he would help you out and go with you. You said he loved to help you whenever you asked for it, so if you set it up like this, he may say yes. His confidence may slowly build in process:cause he feels he is just there to be your problem solver and no uncomfortable love issues to deal with just yet.
It sounds like you love this guy, but you hardly know beyond here say, so get to know him as a friend, then as a lover.
 

Havocan

Well-known member
When he retires into his shell and starts avoiding you that's because he starts feeling the intimacy and closeness and it's just overwhelming to him, since he's {obviously so far}a recluse. He tries and tries to get near you but maybe he fears rejection, scorn, the feeling of being inferior to you and humiliation, who knows? So he withdraws and regrets, the next day he's back in the game again and tries to get even closer you, but once the comfort zone border has been crossed he freaks out.

He's probably as tired of this as you are, and the best thing you can do as it is now is to give him that card or just tell him in another way, as soon as possible. And let him know that he doesn't have to live up to any "standards" or that you won't reject him once you get closer to him, that you like him the way he is {at least a lot of the APD people, including me, have that issue}^^.
 

TooShyShy

Well-known member
Thank you so much for the responses..they really helped me understand WHY he does what he does!!!!! I needed to understand his behaviors.

And i have decided today that i will give him the card the Friday before Valentines Day i have to just do it once and for all..he needs this to be done as much as i do I SAW IT TODAY HOW MUCH HE NEEDS IT and i am going to write in it as well..telling him that if he hasn't figured it out yet (like the card says)I REALLY DO WANT HIM and that I AM NOT GIVING UP ON HIM i want him to know when he is ready i am here!!!!!

Is that way tooooooo direct for someone like him???? The Christmas card was pretty telling and i did see a BIG difference in behavior with him (first he got scared-hid away for a day or so then he came back around me rather quickly..and even more often) I FELT VERY BONDED WITH HIM AFTER THAT LIKE WE SHARED SOMETHING THAT WAS BETWEEN US ONLY!!!

So i am guessing this will be on his mind all weekend after i give it to him I JUST HOPE I MAKE HIS VALENTINE'S DAY THIS YEAR A MEMORABLE ONE!!!!!!!!!!

All i know is i have to do this for both of us.
 

Carlsbad

Active member
Yeah, that goes back to what I way sayin': get to know him as a friend, then as a lover. But I dunno, just give him the Valentine's Day card anyway, It will probably cheer him up a bit!
 

TooShyShy

Well-known member
Well, if i have to wait any longer to warm him up and be friends then forget it!!!

I should just walk away now then bcuz he and i will never be buddies - i am not the same to him as the other girls in the building, its painfully obvious. Maybe the attraction or whatever it is is waaaaaay to strong and thats why he can't handle it..he is also too scared to be in a relationship; low self esteem, inexperience with females, anxiety, etc. i know this, so i guess i just don't know really what will work anymore, i'm just giving him the V-day card next Friday and leaving the rest up to him bcuz i just can't think of anything else at this point.

If there's anything left to report after that i will let you guys know. If not, then it'll just end..i doubt it though..he keeps coming back..unless i just get tired of this (which some days i do) and stop paying any attention to him, but then he's in my face more.

I can't do any more, that i know. I think it'll be sad for him though, he's almost 38 and if he can't muster up the courage to step up and try then that'll just have to be it then, he's never had a girlfriend so maybe he never will..thats a choice he needs to make.

I feel he doesn't want to be this way - or why else would he try the way he does then?
I think he would have given up already or just made it REALLY CLEAR that he's not interested - and he hasn't!!!!!!


So, we will see.
 

Klaus

Well-known member
Tooshyshy, this guy has social phobia and for me he doesn't even know what social phobia is.

You are a normal person with a normal life. Why do you want to share youre life with a person with an anxiety disorder?

It's makes me crazy to think how many people with social phobia don't even know what they have.
 

Carlsbad

Active member
Tooshyshy, this guy has social phobia and for me he doesn't even know what social phobia is.

You are a normal person with a normal life. Why do you want to share youre life with a person with an anxiety disorder?

It's makes me crazy to think how many people with social phobia don't even know what they have.

This is what I always think about myself when I think having a girlfriend would be great. I then think, who in the right mind would want to spend time with a social coward like me? People do not want to waste time 'teaching' people about relationships, they want someone learned in that category. I am still glad some women out there like TooShyShy that have some hope.
 

TooShyShy

Well-known member
Klaus-

I don't really know why, i guess bcuz of my own shyness (and not much experience with men--which really surprises some people) and conservative nature (old fashioned italian gal) i feel so strongly that he and i will be compatible in many ways.

I also am very attracted to him physically and i know he likes me alot as well..we have that mutually, if he didn't or made it obvious that i wasn't his type then i would have walked away a long time ago but he's always looking at me (he has caught by many people) and i do see it in his eyes now when we talk..he has the same deer caught in the head lights look i do when he looks at me!!!!! LOL!!!!!!


I guess there is just something about him. And BELIEVE ME i wish i didn't feel this way anymore, its very difficult somedays..especially when he goes into his ''cave'' and other days i feel like i am walking on a cloud bcuz he shows me in so many ways that he likes me, i am so happy when he does.

Its really a viscious cycle. I guess there's something wrong with me?


I just don't know anymore.
 

osse

Well-known member
I think that this man has a severe form of social phobia and that you can't help him because he needs professional help. I'm so sorry for him.
 

TooShyShy

Well-known member
I agree and i feel for him more than i can express and yes he needs to talk to someone or else he has no hope.

I know i am probably the only real chance he has (or has had) bcuz NO WOMAN would keep things going at this point and want to be with him as long as i have, the way he is unless he finds someone MORE patient and caring as me, but everyone i have talked to keeps telling me i am different than most woman and females now at days just don't wait for men to get over their STUFF as she, my friend put it and that i should forget him and move on.

I have been asked by any people why i am still waiting..i guess i just feel he's worth it and the one for me and that with enough time and patience he can change with my help.

Is that crazy?

I just need more from him before any of that can happen and i just don't know how to go about getting him to that point where he can do more than just stare, say hello and be where ever i am just so he can "get comfortable with me" i just don't know how to make it happen!!!!
 

TooShyShy

Well-known member
Hmmmm either that or i am just nuts! lol!!!!

I haven't figured out which. Someone told me yesterday i was loyal to a fault...maybe thats it, i don't give up on things or people i believe in.

I just need a little help from him and then i can take over from there.
 
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