I think it really just has to happen accidentally. Not that I'm an expert. But common interests, common location, similar free times, and of course enough general socializing to meet one you finally make a good match with.I've been feeling the need lately for a friend. A companion, preferably of the female persuasion, to just...be my friend. Someone I can talk to that doesn't involve just complaining or gossiping (although a little of those things could be good too). I used to have this in my sisters, but now they are out of state and too busy to be my pal. I miss that. We three used to meet once a week at each others' places to watch tv and eat snacks. I still remember one of the last times we met together like that, I showed them my bf's dating site profile, shortly before I went out with him for the first time. That was four years ago, and it hurts to think how much we have grown apart since then. I have done my part, being so wrapped up in putting all my energy into making the relationship work, but now that my life has stabilized I feel like I need them again and they have moved on. The thing is, I feel like we all three really need each other in this way, and yet we have somehow failed to continue to be there for each other in the past few years. It makes me sad, and I wonder if we will ever get that back.
I guess what I'm really wanting is that sisterly bond with someone. I want to befriend someone in an active way, not the mind-numbingly passive way that is social media these days. I can post my favorite song on facebook all day and only a few people might bother to watch or "like" it, but I want someone to share the video or song with directly, to share the experience, maybe even have a conversation or at least exchange words about it. If this were someone geographically close that would be wonderful, because we could meet at the coffee shop down the road and sit together and laugh over things and compliment each other's hairstyles. But even if I could have this sort of intimate relationship with someone online, I think that would be wonderful as well. I want to be writing these thoughts and feelings to one special person, instead of posting it out there for everyone to see and hoping that someone might respond if they feel like it. That method has its value and is something I enjoy doing, but you have to admit that it is terribly impersonal, and can end up making me feel more alone than I felt before I typed anything at all.
Some of you may be wondering why I feel lonely when I have the ever-coveted relationship. I actually live with someone that I consider to be my best friend and with whom I share nearly everything. And yes, that's very nice, but it's not enough. The balance is off. I want another friendship, one that isn't concerned with who did the dishes last or what bills still need to be paid. I don't want another person to share a retirement fund with, just another person to get to know and like, and someone to share things with in a direct manner. I miss that directness that exists almost nowhere on the internet anymore. It could exist, and does sometimes, but more often than not we are just flinging things out there for a hundred or so people to glance at if they have the time. All the intimacy is gone.
It's been such a long time since I made a friend that wasn't someone I was romantically involved with. I don't even know how to do it anymore, if I ever did in the first place. Reeling in a partner is relatively easy for me, but without the vulnerability and bonding that comes with the physical aspect of a relationship, then I am at a loss. How do I express my interest in a potential platonic companion? How do I act without coming across as obsessed and overbearing? How do I even begin to know that the person likes me back and isn't just humoring me out of pity or some sense of duty? And what assurance could I possibly have that I am special to that person, and that they aren't going to just pass me over for some other, better friend that they may already have dozens of?
I'm reminded of a time in highschool, when I made friends with a girl in my class that I really loved. When I invited her to come over to spend the weekend at my house and she accepted, I was overjoyed and spent the next week just coming up with things for us to do that weekend. That Friday, hours before we were supposed to be leaving for my home, she ran up to me and said that she had decided to go to someone else's house that weekend instead. To say that I was crushed is an understatement. I was irreparably damaged, as is made obvious by the fact that, fourteen years later, it still hurts to think about it. I think that's the last time I ever invited any girl (sisters aside) out to do anything with me.
I guess I lost my trust, and I never got it back. I tried reading books about how to overcome shyness, and how to make friends and eventually I learned how to be friendly with people and make some really good acquaintances. But I wouldn't in the least know how to jump that space between acquaintance and friend, even though I've fantasized about it with certain people. Actually, I do remember attempting to hang out with my coworker, when I first started my current job. She was open to it, but things never lined up right, and it just never happened, which left me assuming that she never really wanted to in the first place. The trouble with adults is, many times they will agree to hang out with you, but you can never really tell if they mean it or not, or if they are just being polite. I'm guilty of this as well, but it hurts when time and time again another person or another couple flakes out or changes their plans the day before or decides they just can't make it for one reason or another. The more I type about it the more times I am reminded of times we have invited people out to do things with us, and they have acted interested but nothing has ever come of it.
I think that, somewhere along the way, I have just given up. I know my bf feels the same way, so it's not just a social anxiety thing. He is an extrovert who has no problem meeting or hanging out and talking to people, but he still feels this dreadful lack of commitment among people who are supposed to be his or our "friends." These are people of all ages, from all walks of life, and we just can't seem to find anyone who really cares enough to give a damn. It's frustrating. I'm used to being lonely and friendless, but it hurts me to see him wanting to be liked by people and no one will bother to be his good friend. What is the deal with people?
For me it's that last one that's the hardest. The effort is awfully draining.
