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Old 11-26-2010
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Neither she, nor I, would think anything of it...
I'm not a convicted rapist, publicly exposed, shamed and shunned by society

unless it's somehow made obvious that I'm repeatedly going out of my way to drive that direction specifically to look in through the windows of her house in hopes of a glimpse of her face and to check her mail for incoming magazine subscriptions upon which to leave saliva depositions on the page edges... no, nobody would think twice about me driving past their house.

if she "caught" me doing something so dastardly as driving past her house, I'd smile friendlily, wave and be on my way. Either that or get flustered and crash my car into the side of her garage..
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Old 11-26-2010
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LOL! No he wasn't looking through my windows He was driving down my street, what startled him was i came out of my driveway as he was driving towards my condo.

What timing!!!!!! We literally passed one another as i was pulling out and the look on his face..lol..he was horrified. Like i said, he lives a good 20 minutes away from me, at least! That's why i haven't mentioned it to him at work. Instead i was just very nice and friendly around him as usual so he knew i wasn't weirded out or uncomfortable around him now.


Like i said he is harmless....he's just very shy with me, but with me ONLY!
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Old 11-27-2010
 

Yeah i often drive past this girls house i like.I like to park in secluded place and stare for hours through my binoulars at her lovely house.
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Old 11-28-2010
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>:ox Ohhhh my!
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Old 11-28-2010
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lol I know kids do it!!!!! But what if its an adult man that works with you..and thats so terribly shy that he gets all anxious and panicky around you..he has a really hard time initiating talking to me..he's more the type to be ''around me'' and he will say ''hello'' or ''good morning'' to me everyday rather then directly make conversation with me. We do talk of course but i have to start it and its usually work related.

So whats the point of doing the ''drive bye'' thing if i am in my house and he can't see me?
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Old 11-28-2010
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If it happened once or twice, I would ignore the issue. If it became a more regular thing, then you need to let them know that it is unacceptable behaviour, even it it hurts their feelings. You have the right to go about your lfie freely without the worry that someone is watching you.
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Old 11-28-2010
R3K
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ok first of all you've declared that he's "harmless" like 5 or 6 times as if we're not getting the hint that he is indeed harmless. problem is, it's impossible for us to accept that in a text-form description of the event over the internet, so some of us are probably going to continue questioning this supposed harmlessness.

having said that... judging by his behavior around you at work: scared to really converse with you outside of "hi/goodbye", nervous and uncomfortable. added to that the "horrified expression" on his face when he saw that you saw him driving by your house--i'd say there's one of two hypothetical scenarios going on here:

1. he could have social anxiety real bad. his shy behavior in the workplace is a result of his wanting to ask you out combined with the social anxiety symptoms waging war on his mind/body. he's fighting the SA all the way and barely winning, but he's wondering if it's worth the cost, uncertain of his chances, just overwhelmed with uncertainty and the effects of SA symptoms.

what you should do in this case (assuming you like him): ask him out for a coffee after work one day, do all the talking and make it sounds like it's just a hang-out thing and not a date. pick a time and place that's close to work so it feels almost business-related, and set it sometime within the next couple of days (if he has a whole week to build up anxiety he'll be a wreck and nothing positive will come of it). once you're at the coffee place or w/e say, in a light-hearted manner with a smile "so i saw you drive by my house the other day/week, were you going to a friend's house or something?" then depending on his response, say "you don't have to be shy around me, you can talk to me anytime, etc.." try to instill a little confidence in him and see where it goes.

OR...

2. he could be an obsessive stalker. be it caused by SA or some other disorder, he's losing the war with his feelings, depression etc. but he still likes you and he doesn't understand why it's so difficult to be normal around you. he's damaged/traumatized from past experiences and doesn't possess the social skills to actually go out and get what he wants in life so he settles for imagining, obsessing, and fantasizing. you become an object to his desires, like candy and toys to a kid. He's given up on actually scoring a date with you and is settling for small tastes here and there: driving by your house to be near you, saying only "hi" to you at work just to hear your voice directed toward him. just small samples now and then so he can feed his adverse obsession.

if this is the case, then i'm not sure what you should do exactly. i would say try to ignore him and just be cordial with him at work. wait for him to find another obsession.

i know scenario 2. sounds a bit extreme, like something out of a murder movie, but i'm throwing it out there based on his "horrified reaction" to your catching him driving by. probably isn't the case, but if it continues happening like more than 3 times like Aussie_lad said, then you might have some cause for worry.

(wow, long post )
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Old 11-29-2010
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i take it this guy is the guy you work with still and have made many threads about...its nothing to worry about as i'd put it down to his mental issues of shyness/SA/Avpd...my question to you is do you really want somone in your life has these issues and are you prepared to deal with them/put up with them??....in my own persoal experiance this sexuall inuendo of both people showing signs of interest in one another but not doing anyhing about it due to either A) my shyness or B) missreading the other persons signals..has resulted in me becomming overy stressed/anxious/frustrated about the whole ordeal and would rather have done without it altogether....thats why his doing a driveby of your house, he's frustrated....you need to put him out of his misery and let him know that your either a) interested in having a relationship with him or b) tell him your'e only prepared to be friends thats it..if the later, bring up the driveby incident otherwise leave it alone, because it will embarrass the hell out of him and not help the shyness thing, so only bring it up if you need a point as to why he should back off.
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Old 11-29-2010
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if the later, bring up the driveby incident otherwise leave it alone, because it will embarrass the hell out of him and not help the shyness thing, so only bring it up if you need a point as to why he should back off.
I beg to differ. It may be better in the short term, but in the long term, you are doing him no favours by ignoring the issue. When you ignore the issue, then you are effectively protecting him, and you never give him the chance to improve himself. Sometimes you need pain in order to move on. However you don't need to yell at him for doing his drivebys. You simply explain in a calm voice, that you understand why he might be acting the way he is, and that it can't continue.
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Old 11-29-2010
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Aussie_Lad View Post
I beg to differ. It may be better in the short term, but in the long term, you are doing him no favours by ignoring the issue. When you ignore the issue, then you are effectively protecting him, and you never give him the chance to improve himself. Sometimes you need pain in order to move on. However you don't need to yell at him for doing his drivebys. You simply explain in a calm voice, that you understand why he might be acting the way he is, and that it can't continue.
true, but going by her threads about this dude she is keen on him and doesn't want to push him away..she considers him harmless as outlined previously by her, her motive is not to 'improve him' but actually get closer to him...he realises he was caught anyway, so he will no doubt have thought of some excuse to explain his behaviour if confronted about it. by all means bring it up, i'm just saying it won't help anything unless she does want him to back off.
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Old 11-29-2010
 

This may sound weird but I use to walk outside during the night (9-10pm) hoping I would bump into the girl I was in love with. We went to school together and I saw her at local library once so I thought she'd live near it so I'd just walk around hoping I'd bump into her. This was all when I was in high school. I think I've watched too many love movies and listened to too many love songs.
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Old 12-02-2010
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Thank you for the responses..i really do appreciate all your input.

At least he is not hiding from me..if anything i think he feels ok with the fact i ''caught him'' at first he looked horrified and even a voided me on Monday but once i started saying hello and initiating with him (making small talk) he seemed to slowly come back around.

Today he seemed really relieved that i am not mentioning the drive by or that i am going out of my way to be nice....or more importantly that i am not mad that he did that (i am guessing) i say this bcuz he didn't keep his head down when i was around and was very talkative when i saw him a few times today..and he said hello!!!!!

So maybe he feels ok with it now???

I also had to ask him for his cell phone number yesterday (work related situation came up) and he gave me his (work) cell which i saw was VERY difficult for him..he basically froze when i asked him TOTAL SHOCK but gave it to me quickly and told me it was ok to use it for an emergencies, got locked out of the building last week (forgot my key) and then had a situation last Friday where i needed to be in work early but i was stuck in traffic and couldn't make a meeting i had so i needed to tell someone i'd be late and he is the only one around at that time..7am! So my Supervisor said i should get his number..so i did

Maybe thats why he was happier today?????


So anyway i asked, he was shaking..gave me the number and i said thanks.


Then he started coming around me again, not really talking to me more but just ''hanging out'' and showing up where i am in the bulding..that means he's ''comfortable'' againi could tell he was really mortified that i saw him drive down my street.


I never thought of it as wanting to be close to me..or wanting to see me..like i said he seemd extremely awkward when i saw him at work Monday after it happened...wouldn't even say hello to me just kept his head down everytime i passed him he couldn't look at me!!!!!!!!!
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Old 12-02-2010
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That sounds exactly like me in the past, but without the drive-bys.
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Old 12-02-2010
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well, it's starting to sound like he's not so much of a psycho stalker. but if you're still tryin to get closer to him you still gotta tread lightly, and like others have said in the thread you'll probably have to do all or most of the work in getting to know him better.
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Old 12-04-2010
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No...he's not. To me he just seems to have extreme anxiety where i am concerned!


Just don't know what to do about it bcuz everything i have tried has not gotten him more comfortable..and the drive bye thing just makes me wonder if he will ever get over it and IF in fact he does want something with me or just likes longing from afar, driving by my home, sighing out loud as i walked by him--which he did today again, etc.? How can this be enough for a man his age???

He just seems so fearful of me that asking him out would not work..he'd be to scared to say yes..i think!!!!!


***sigh***
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Old 12-04-2010
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could you try asking him to hang out?
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Old 12-04-2010
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I would love to..but how do you ask someone to hang out if he looks petrified or puts his head down (or sighs) whenever you are around?
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Old 12-04-2010
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he sighs when you walk by him? is it all emphatic and loud or what? i never heard of this behavior before.

if it were me in his shoes, i might be afraid of saying yes to your asking me on a date/hang-out also. but probably for diff reasons. i'm usually super congiziant of other people in the work place. like if i were to hang out with a cowoker that i liked i'd be worried of the other coworkers speculating, judging and rumor-mongering about it. i'd feel more like the center of a big performance and if i messed up people'd think i was a huge loser.

try warming him up to the idea slowly. like nex time you talk to him just bring up restaurants and your favorite food--maybe he'll give you some signals that he'd like to go to one of these restaurants sometime with you. and if not, then it was just an innocent conversation about restaraunts(sp)
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Old 12-04-2010
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Its hard to explain..he's done it quite a lot. He will sigh as he puts his head down..sometimes shakes his head a bit but he always looks like he has lost his puppy or something when he does it..like he's been defeated????

I can actually hear the sigh has i walk away..and i feel him watching me walk.


I asked him for his cell phone number a few days ago bcuz my boss requested i have it (for emergency purposes) and he was like ''uhhh whyyyyy?'' i explained why and he gave it to me immediately..i even questioned if i could use it anytime after 6;30 when he gets in..he said ''its just for when i'm at work..its my work cell'' not sure what to think after that response i was disapopimted bcuz it wasn't his personal cell but he was in a very good mood the next 2 days..smiling at me a lot, saying hello, making eye contact, etc. but then yesterday..Friday..he seemed to be really upset AGAIN.

I was texting a friend making plans for the weekend and he looked at me like he was UPSET WITH ME the rest of the day..and wouldn't even say hello to me?!?!

So, i said hello to him afterwards bcuz i felt bad (he responded with a unenthusiastic hi) and then i told him to have a nice weekend before i left (an hour later) and he was like ''yeah ok, you too'' but has head down the entire time!!!!!

I just don't get it!!!!!

Ugggh!!!
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Old 12-05-2010
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TooShyShy View Post
Its hard to explain..he's done it quite a lot. He will sigh as he puts his head down..sometimes shakes his head a bit but he always looks like he has lost his puppy or something when he does it..like he's been defeated????

I can actually hear the sigh has i walk away..and i feel him watching me walk.


I asked him for his cell phone number a few days ago bcuz my boss requested i have it (for emergency purposes) and he was like ''uhhh whyyyyy?'' i explained why and he gave it to me immediately..i even questioned if i could use it anytime after 6;30 when he gets in..he said ''its just for when i'm at work..its my work cell'' not sure what to think after that response i was disapopimted bcuz it wasn't his personal cell but he was in a very good mood the next 2 days..smiling at me a lot, saying hello, making eye contact, etc. but then yesterday..Friday..he seemed to be really upset AGAIN.

I was texting a friend making plans for the weekend and he looked at me like he was UPSET WITH ME the rest of the day..and wouldn't even say hello to me?!?!

So, i said hello to him afterwards bcuz i felt bad (he responded with a unenthusiastic hi) and then i told him to have a nice weekend before i left (an hour later) and he was like ''yeah ok, you too'' but has head down the entire time!!!!!

I just don't get it!!!!!

Ugggh!!!
...social anxiety disorder doing its thing. i wouldn't take his facial expressions, tone, and lack of eye contact as indicators that he's upset with you though. it's his frustration getting the better of him. his whole wounded look of sighing sadness is a reach for empathy. but what to do about it from your situation? i don't know. might be a scenario where all the possible outcomes are negative and hurtful for him (and you too possibly). maybe he senses this and that's why he's acting the way he is. SA can put us in those binds--and it sucks like a mother****er.
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