Wonder
New member
Hey everyone... I am new 19 from the UK and driving myself mad please help me!
I can't decide I think that is my main problem. I can decide what to wear that is easy... One hat, a choice of two hoodys of which I have to have the hood up; I hate the way everyone stares at me. I don't know If I want to be indoors or outdoors, I cant decide if I want a cigerette or a mint, coffee or powerade ? Food or no food. My mind is like this alllll day racing and I can no longer handle it.
I have not been diagnosed with OCD but I have bad thoughts, when I get a bad thought I have to act on it. A boy maybe 10 years younger than myself called me a chav last night and ran away I could not stop thinking about what I was gunna do when I got hold of him. Today I tell him If I see him again I'm going to f**k him up, I see him 10 mins later and decide that I need to see his blood, He runs into a near by shop and seeks and gets shelter I burst into the shop shouting and swearing at him but a shop assistant helps him. I cannot continue to act compulsivly as I will hurt someone. If I hurt someone I will feel tremendous guilt afterwards although at the time I am fueled by anger alone which causes me to act irrationally.
I cannot decide if I want the light on or off sometimes, I cannot decide which song to listen to because sometimes I cannot relate to any music at all which adds to my pain and stress, I have to have the music so loud that It bursts my eardrums. (Not literally but I belive it blocks out my thoughts at times)
I guess the problem is the feeling of need inside me and not knowing what to fill the space with so I try and fill that with 10000 different things, not finding comfort in any of them. If someone asks me how I am I over analize it and think; 'That is a product of your own fear and guilt which asks me how I am' I cannot lie about anything. I become obsessive over ladies, over my thoughts but I am not obsessed by any one thing apart from the need to forfil the need inside of me. I can display symtoms of OCD for instance the need to rearrange but when I perfect something or think that I will never perfect it I will lose interest. I look at the symptoms of OCD and think that is me sometimes. Then other times I think that is not me. I have a million un-finished tasks and my room is never tidy but when I do tidy I tidy to the extreme then it has to be tidy and perfect is the only option.
My next question; if this does sound like OCD then how can I get help ? I am a good person who does not want the guilt of doing something bad although I cannot stop myself something inside me feels the need and I have to fill that need, which is a terrible thing, I should not need as this is selfish...
Please help me, I have been to the doctors and they have pescribed 20mg of fluoxetine daily (Prozac) for depression, as I told them I cannot sleep, I cannot eat, I sweat like nothing you have ever seen, I get so nervous that I am starting to be sick or not be able to breath properly. My heart beat races to the point that I can feel it in my fingertips (I have no phyical ailments to support any of these symptoms I have been tested for various things) Although I know they are thought patterns which is what scares me...It is all in my own head...although knowing this doesnt make it go away. If I feel the doctor does not care I will do something bad. I went back to the doctor when I felt myself getting worse and he made me worse by asking if I felt the need to self harm again, so then I thought ' maybe I do need to cut myself again' I cut myself and this did not help I had the thought that maybe if I smash the glass in the door and slam it behind me this will forfill the need inside me to smash his face in although this neither helped or was very clever. I felt patronised by him. (I realised when I hit it, it was safety glass durrrrh!!)
I have always had bad thoughts although I used to be in control (most of the time) I had a bad weekend and now I am never free of my thoughts I guess before I was filling my life with things to stop the thoughts although now I cannot gain comfort from anything because MY MIND IS CONSUMING ITSELF IN FEAR, GUILT AND ANGER! Now I think that the world is a horrible place that hates me, lies to me continuously so I fill the need for care and affection with hate and anger. I cannot belive anything anyone says I am paranoid. My mother cannot understand my irratic behaviours the need for a hamburger at 6am drives me out of the house to Macdonalds which is not safe behaviour in this day and age although I NEEDED IT! Which she cannot understand. My own dog makes me feel too guilty to look at him, he has a sad face and I cannot give him what he needs which is horrible. I have no money left and fear I may have to steal to fuel my countless addictions (Powerade,ciggerettes,Lucozade energy tablets, coffee, scratchcards ect)
Thankyou if you took the time to read to the end (Thanks due to the guilty feeling I have... Isnt that horrible?) I have read and re-read this 100 times but I know it wont be perfect because I am usless, so what is the point in trying ? Today is saturday, tommorow is sunday If I almost killed that boy today what am I going to do tommorow or until monday when I can go see another doctor to be patronized again. If you are bored of reading just imagine how much fun it is to have my thoughts race like this alllll day...
I can't decide I think that is my main problem. I can decide what to wear that is easy... One hat, a choice of two hoodys of which I have to have the hood up; I hate the way everyone stares at me. I don't know If I want to be indoors or outdoors, I cant decide if I want a cigerette or a mint, coffee or powerade ? Food or no food. My mind is like this alllll day racing and I can no longer handle it.
I have not been diagnosed with OCD but I have bad thoughts, when I get a bad thought I have to act on it. A boy maybe 10 years younger than myself called me a chav last night and ran away I could not stop thinking about what I was gunna do when I got hold of him. Today I tell him If I see him again I'm going to f**k him up, I see him 10 mins later and decide that I need to see his blood, He runs into a near by shop and seeks and gets shelter I burst into the shop shouting and swearing at him but a shop assistant helps him. I cannot continue to act compulsivly as I will hurt someone. If I hurt someone I will feel tremendous guilt afterwards although at the time I am fueled by anger alone which causes me to act irrationally.
I cannot decide if I want the light on or off sometimes, I cannot decide which song to listen to because sometimes I cannot relate to any music at all which adds to my pain and stress, I have to have the music so loud that It bursts my eardrums. (Not literally but I belive it blocks out my thoughts at times)
I guess the problem is the feeling of need inside me and not knowing what to fill the space with so I try and fill that with 10000 different things, not finding comfort in any of them. If someone asks me how I am I over analize it and think; 'That is a product of your own fear and guilt which asks me how I am' I cannot lie about anything. I become obsessive over ladies, over my thoughts but I am not obsessed by any one thing apart from the need to forfil the need inside of me. I can display symtoms of OCD for instance the need to rearrange but when I perfect something or think that I will never perfect it I will lose interest. I look at the symptoms of OCD and think that is me sometimes. Then other times I think that is not me. I have a million un-finished tasks and my room is never tidy but when I do tidy I tidy to the extreme then it has to be tidy and perfect is the only option.
My next question; if this does sound like OCD then how can I get help ? I am a good person who does not want the guilt of doing something bad although I cannot stop myself something inside me feels the need and I have to fill that need, which is a terrible thing, I should not need as this is selfish...
Please help me, I have been to the doctors and they have pescribed 20mg of fluoxetine daily (Prozac) for depression, as I told them I cannot sleep, I cannot eat, I sweat like nothing you have ever seen, I get so nervous that I am starting to be sick or not be able to breath properly. My heart beat races to the point that I can feel it in my fingertips (I have no phyical ailments to support any of these symptoms I have been tested for various things) Although I know they are thought patterns which is what scares me...It is all in my own head...although knowing this doesnt make it go away. If I feel the doctor does not care I will do something bad. I went back to the doctor when I felt myself getting worse and he made me worse by asking if I felt the need to self harm again, so then I thought ' maybe I do need to cut myself again' I cut myself and this did not help I had the thought that maybe if I smash the glass in the door and slam it behind me this will forfill the need inside me to smash his face in although this neither helped or was very clever. I felt patronised by him. (I realised when I hit it, it was safety glass durrrrh!!)
I have always had bad thoughts although I used to be in control (most of the time) I had a bad weekend and now I am never free of my thoughts I guess before I was filling my life with things to stop the thoughts although now I cannot gain comfort from anything because MY MIND IS CONSUMING ITSELF IN FEAR, GUILT AND ANGER! Now I think that the world is a horrible place that hates me, lies to me continuously so I fill the need for care and affection with hate and anger. I cannot belive anything anyone says I am paranoid. My mother cannot understand my irratic behaviours the need for a hamburger at 6am drives me out of the house to Macdonalds which is not safe behaviour in this day and age although I NEEDED IT! Which she cannot understand. My own dog makes me feel too guilty to look at him, he has a sad face and I cannot give him what he needs which is horrible. I have no money left and fear I may have to steal to fuel my countless addictions (Powerade,ciggerettes,Lucozade energy tablets, coffee, scratchcards ect)
Thankyou if you took the time to read to the end (Thanks due to the guilty feeling I have... Isnt that horrible?) I have read and re-read this 100 times but I know it wont be perfect because I am usless, so what is the point in trying ? Today is saturday, tommorow is sunday If I almost killed that boy today what am I going to do tommorow or until monday when I can go see another doctor to be patronized again. If you are bored of reading just imagine how much fun it is to have my thoughts race like this alllll day...
