have to let these negative feelings out

For someone to read. Just to get things out. For so long my negative emotions have been festering and eating away at my soul.

I'm 27. I am unhappy. When I was a teenager I didn't understand why I was depressed sad and lonely. Now when I can sit and concentrate and gain a little bit of insight I realize how malicious it is to remain quiet.

I don't like the way I look. My face is not symmetrical. my nose is big and I have a deviated septum due to years or drug abuse. I have a problem with blushing. not only do I have uncontrollable blushing but I also get a bad rash on my neck when I'm nervous. I also have a permanent disgruntled looking expression. My mouth naturally frowns and because I'm not very pretty I'm off putting usually. I don't need to be convinced about how beautiful all of earth's creatures are etc because I've heard the comments behind my back it's alright I know I'm ugly.

I'd like to try cosmetic surgery but I've tried to fill the void in my life with materialistic things and now I'm up to my neck in debt and I scrape by paycheck to paycheck paying these worthless debts. I'm talking about 103000 dollars in debt. I make decent money for someone without a degree but it all goes to bills.

My job is nice I work for a credit union (which if any of you belong to a bank you truly should switch) and my managers believe in me and help my professional growtH. I'm supposed to network and do outreach but because of my SA I can't and I'm going to fail soon.

Not only is the sa debilitating but I have terrible ADD and cannot concentrate at work or anywhere else on life. I think I may have some type of brain damage but only because I'm a hypochondriac and also because as mentioned before I did a lot of drugs in my Youth. So I'm very self conscious about my learning abilities and didn't complete college and can't read a damn book to save my life which is something I used too really really really enjoy!!!

I'm in a relationship with a woman and have to hide that aspect of my life from my family so that con tributes to my inability to speak out loud. I can only talk to my family about less than half of my actual personal life. I was never taught to speak my mind or be open or encouraged to communicate as a child and was pretty much raised by tv and video games. My sexuality is confusing sometimes I wish I could have a heterosexual relationship or at least experience it but I've never had a relationship with a guy because they have never been attracted to me. I care about my partner very deeply but I'm terrified about her talk of marriage but also terrified about losing someone that is so good to have in my life because of a desire to explore that aspect of my sexuality.

I have avoided thinking introspectively most of the time and fill my life with distractions so usually it is too hard for me to put words to these feelings be a use its easier to flick through netflix or scroll through Facebook and think enviously of my friends.



There is so much more but who cares right? Life is so challenging you never know what sort of inner turmoil the person next to you is going through so we should all probably try to be a little nicer and take some time to reach out to those around us.
 

Steiner

Well-known member
Well, you're not ugly to someone apparently. I think you put yourself down too much and don't give yourself enough credit.
 
You're Right. I think that's one of the hardest part of mental illness is getting a grip on your feelings towards yourself.
 

anomicdeer

Well-known member
You're in a relationship...

Anyway. I requested to close my bank account (can't afford to put a certain amount in my account monthly) but I cant find a credit union near or they just arent popping up on google. Plus the fact that I have no money I cant just go drive long miles to find one. I really need one so I don't get charged extra fees. Plus I need to cash checks. The mobey I'll get from my account and my tax return :/

I don't know what to do.
 
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