HELP! Is this OCD (or any disorder at all)?

Never_Forget

New member
Hello,
I really hope someone can tell me if I should attribute my problems to OCD or any mental disorder at all. I've lived with it for years and now I have to know what's wrong with me.

I've always had obsessive thoughts and fears which are not really related to everyday questions. If one obsession recedes, another one immediately takes its place. I have a set of most frequently repeated thought patterns, but sometimes new ones spring up. Here are some of the things.

1. Time. Obsessed with the flow of time, which naturally includes death and old age. Most people's timeline goes from their past to a few years in the future. Mine, however, expands past both my birth and death. Whatever I think of, this transience is in the background. I am not an atheist and am positive about afterlife, so it is not really the worst, but still it's a bit too much for a teenager who I still am. Especially the fear of old age. It's obsessive to a point where I dread even looking at elderly people and keep thinking how I will look/behave etc.

2. Philosophical/religious questions. Stuff about God, souls, the way everything works, the meaning of life (or its absence) etc etc. It might be normal to think of things like that, however, I go so deep that it starts seriously depressing me. I cannot just live a normal life, as all these weird patterns keep spinning in my mind even during everyday conversations or when I'm going down the street. And it is mostly not just thoughts, but again, they are accompanied by fears of all sorts. This might be due to the fact that I got interested in occult/religious stuff at an early stage of my life, but I don't know... The key point is I can't control it, and from exploration it turns into obsession which kills me.

3. Losing the ones I love. The need to rationalize love, make it fit into some kind of boundaries just to be sure it doesn't go away from me... I am able to just love a person when I'm not sure if it's gonna work, but when I'm in a long term relationship I can't help fearing that it will end and thus controlling it. Again, not to a normal extent but obsessively. Every little thing is a source of doubt and panic, so I end up in tears pretty much all the time. I find it very hard on both me and my boyfriend... He is very supportive and understanding but it's only logical to assume that my obsessive behaviour can annoy the hell out of him and frustrate him.

4. Fear of loneliness. Now don't get me wrong, I'm okay with being alone and all, but there's this idea which comes back all the time, idea that we are all alone by default, we will never understand another human being completely and we're all stuck in our own world. Surely, it relates to everyone, but it scares the hell out of me.

As you see, normal human fears and thoughts are terribly exaggerated in my case. Plus there's a ton of stuff no one even bothers thinking of, but I am seriously struggling to get it out of my head and enjoy at least one normal day! :(

Some more things which might relate:
- I am crazy about kissing - again, to a point of obsession. No matter how much I make out, I keep wanting more. Can live completely without sex, though.
- I do check on things repeatedly, like, whether I have locked the door or put the right letter in an envelope. Travel preparations are hell, as I have to check all the bags over and over.
- I do get the urge to hurt myself, almost never doing it, however.
- I also sometimes get the urge to destroy something or scream as loud as I can when my condition is especially serious
- I mentioned tears, but sometimes I go really hysteric, can't stop crying, and also feel this sharp pain in my chest. At such moments I feel like I don't want to live.

Now, just in case, everything is fine in my life. I have awesome relatives, friends and a beloved one, I'm quite smart and am currently studying things I'm interested in. I have various hobbies and am very creative, and by no means do I think of this world as a sad and gloomy place. If anything, I love the world and life. If only it wasn't for my obsessive thoughts going on for about 10 years already (with only rare breaks and getting progressively worse).

Sorry for a long post. Waiting for your opinion. Please don't comment on separate thoughts and fears I've mentioned, though, 'cause I myself can logically prove that they are immaterial and make no sense. Just tell me if you think I am suffering from anything at all or I'm just f****d up in my brain.
 

Rockhopper

Well-known member
Sounds like OCD if you get intrusive thoughts that you can't get out of your head. Especially if you know they're irrational but you can't stop thinking about them. Also repetitious things you do. Some things you mentioned seem normal enough though. I've had similar ones like checking envelopes and bags etc.
 

Never_Forget

New member
you mean all that stuff ISN'T normal?

uh-oh...

I think it is normal to worry about all these things unless it occupies your mind most of the time to an extent where you cannot just enjoy your life. For example, instead of enjoying a date with your loved one you keep obsessing about losing him/thinking if he's the right one etc. ALL THE TIME, no kidding. Do you think even this is normal?
 
I can totally relate to the things you mentioned,
I have lots of intrusive thoughts, i won't even tell them because then I might make other people think that way too, and i don't want to make anyone else Obsessed.
But I guess people just don't tell those thoughts, I think many people have them, but people always act like there's nothing going on, theyre just cool u know. They won't admit. Because people don't talk about thoughts too much.
So you are not the only one, try to see a doctor/psychologist for it.
If you really want to change it.
 
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