CallmeEccentric
Member
After reading few other posts on this forum, I decided to share my story with the (very) helpful community here. I feel like the biggest loser on earth. I was born in a family which was educated and somewhat “upper-lower-middle-class” so I went to a good school and later obtained an engineering degree from an expensive university. Throughout my academic career, I had very few friends. Also, being a physically weak kid with an in-toe gait and Thalassemia minor, I was often subjected to untold ridicule and contempt during school years and it also significantly impacted my confidence and self-esteem. Kids used to make fun of my inability to run, jump or even walk properly like them. Still, I wanted to improve my physical condition and in my early teens I worked very hard in gym and also learned few martial arts to protect myself from bullying. The results were astounding. My health and even feet significantly improved and my confidence soared. Still I had few friends in university.
Shortly after my graduation, I was fortunate enough to receive job offers from quite a few companies in different industries (economy was booming during those times). I tried few jobs and finally settled for a non-technical telecommuting job offered by a relatively new firm. The experience was good initially, I made some money and learned a few skills. However working from home took its toll in ways I could not imagine earlier. I grew recluse to the point of evading socialization with others. In the meantime, my company also suffered (largely due to economic downturn) and my salary was substantially reduced. At that particular moment, when I tried to move to another job, I came to know that most companies (which operate in a formal bricks-and-mortar environment) were unwilling to give me a suitable job and also looked askance at my telecommuting experience. Years of remaining confined to home also impacted my social skills and confidence. I also had a girlfriend but due to some reasons she called time on our relationship. I was really disturbed when my love boat ran aground and had to consume anti-anxiety/anti-depressant pills for few months. I finally succeeded in decathecting from her (it was not easy) but my social anxiety kept growing. I also feel incredibly depressed after seeing my friends and acquaintances working in reputable corporations whereas I toil alone in my sanctum for a business which, most likely, has seen its best days. My phobias are also multiplying and I experience ungrounded panic attacks mainly when I am alone outside my home. A morbid fear of death also engulfs me on occasions. I still, though, workout, eat clean and keep myself fit so I do not completely capitulate to my irrational thoughts and fears. With that, sometimes bouts of intense depression make it exceedingly difficult to train hard.
People of my age (even much younger than me as I am almost 30 years old now) are enjoying what we call “normal lives”, getting remunerated handsomely by their employers, getting married, having kids etc whereas I am living in my cocoon. I considered getting married as well but then decided against it because, taking my questionable mental health and weird tastes into consideration, I think that any normal girl will have a hard time living with me. I also feel incredibly stressed now when going out alone and driving a car. In my free time, I usually play video games or read books.
Recently I applied for immigration in another country and was granted a visa shortly. However, much to my dismay, I discovered that even travelling alone in airplane and living abroad were too challenging tasks for me as the mere thought of doing them now petrifies me. I really want to get out of my cocoon and explore the world but my phobias and anxiety issues preclude me from doing that. I am feeling very disappointed currently. Never thought that even such mundane tasks like taking a flight or living alone in another country can be so challenging. I really do not know how am I going to spend rest of my life as my irrational fears have foiled almost every ambitious plan I adumbrated during last few years and have stifled the somewhat venturesome spirit which I had during my college days. This is utterly depressing to say the least.
I must say that I have made some progress during last 12 months. Last year the idea of walking alone to a park nearby (almost 1 Km away), and coming back in one piece was dreadful to say the least. Now, with positive reinforcements (telling myself that I can "do it", although it does not work for more challenging tasks like taking an international flight alone), I am able to walk to the park without succumbing to a panic attack, exercising for 45-60 min, and then returning to home while maintaining a stolid composure (often I do another workout at night in my home gym). It was difficult but I am glad that it is no longer challenging and intimidating.
I was not always like that. In my childhood I walked for miles alone (I once hiked 10 miles alone as a 16 years old) or with friends and rarely had any outlandish panic attack. Is it possible that years of remaining confined to my home impaired my social skills and spawned some anxiety disorders of considerable extent? Is there a way for me to do "mainstream" tasks like driving a car in rush hour and taking international flights alone without getting harried by debilitating anxiety bouts and thoughts of existential ruin?
I am sorry if you found my post lengthy or boring. I believe that at least some of you can understand what I am going through. I just wanted to get your worthy advice. Is there any hope for me? Or I am destined to live like a sore loser for rest of my life? I am 30 years old.
Shortly after my graduation, I was fortunate enough to receive job offers from quite a few companies in different industries (economy was booming during those times). I tried few jobs and finally settled for a non-technical telecommuting job offered by a relatively new firm. The experience was good initially, I made some money and learned a few skills. However working from home took its toll in ways I could not imagine earlier. I grew recluse to the point of evading socialization with others. In the meantime, my company also suffered (largely due to economic downturn) and my salary was substantially reduced. At that particular moment, when I tried to move to another job, I came to know that most companies (which operate in a formal bricks-and-mortar environment) were unwilling to give me a suitable job and also looked askance at my telecommuting experience. Years of remaining confined to home also impacted my social skills and confidence. I also had a girlfriend but due to some reasons she called time on our relationship. I was really disturbed when my love boat ran aground and had to consume anti-anxiety/anti-depressant pills for few months. I finally succeeded in decathecting from her (it was not easy) but my social anxiety kept growing. I also feel incredibly depressed after seeing my friends and acquaintances working in reputable corporations whereas I toil alone in my sanctum for a business which, most likely, has seen its best days. My phobias are also multiplying and I experience ungrounded panic attacks mainly when I am alone outside my home. A morbid fear of death also engulfs me on occasions. I still, though, workout, eat clean and keep myself fit so I do not completely capitulate to my irrational thoughts and fears. With that, sometimes bouts of intense depression make it exceedingly difficult to train hard.
People of my age (even much younger than me as I am almost 30 years old now) are enjoying what we call “normal lives”, getting remunerated handsomely by their employers, getting married, having kids etc whereas I am living in my cocoon. I considered getting married as well but then decided against it because, taking my questionable mental health and weird tastes into consideration, I think that any normal girl will have a hard time living with me. I also feel incredibly stressed now when going out alone and driving a car. In my free time, I usually play video games or read books.
Recently I applied for immigration in another country and was granted a visa shortly. However, much to my dismay, I discovered that even travelling alone in airplane and living abroad were too challenging tasks for me as the mere thought of doing them now petrifies me. I really want to get out of my cocoon and explore the world but my phobias and anxiety issues preclude me from doing that. I am feeling very disappointed currently. Never thought that even such mundane tasks like taking a flight or living alone in another country can be so challenging. I really do not know how am I going to spend rest of my life as my irrational fears have foiled almost every ambitious plan I adumbrated during last few years and have stifled the somewhat venturesome spirit which I had during my college days. This is utterly depressing to say the least.
I must say that I have made some progress during last 12 months. Last year the idea of walking alone to a park nearby (almost 1 Km away), and coming back in one piece was dreadful to say the least. Now, with positive reinforcements (telling myself that I can "do it", although it does not work for more challenging tasks like taking an international flight alone), I am able to walk to the park without succumbing to a panic attack, exercising for 45-60 min, and then returning to home while maintaining a stolid composure (often I do another workout at night in my home gym). It was difficult but I am glad that it is no longer challenging and intimidating.
I was not always like that. In my childhood I walked for miles alone (I once hiked 10 miles alone as a 16 years old) or with friends and rarely had any outlandish panic attack. Is it possible that years of remaining confined to my home impaired my social skills and spawned some anxiety disorders of considerable extent? Is there a way for me to do "mainstream" tasks like driving a car in rush hour and taking international flights alone without getting harried by debilitating anxiety bouts and thoughts of existential ruin?
I am sorry if you found my post lengthy or boring. I believe that at least some of you can understand what I am going through. I just wanted to get your worthy advice. Is there any hope for me? Or I am destined to live like a sore loser for rest of my life? I am 30 years old.
