thedude32
New member
I recently broke up with my long term gf 8 yrs. I dont want to self diagnose her but she REALLY seems to fit what I have read about AvPD. I"m wondering if I'm way off or if there might be something to this.
About her:
- She has almost no friends. I dont think she talks to her 2-3 "friends" more than once every 3-6 months, if that.
- She is very introverted (I am too) and would much rather stay in. When I'm not around I dont think she leaves the house to do more than pick up necessities or to drop her son off at a friend's house. She calls herself "a hermit" in a negative way.
- The mildest criticism (especially from anyone other than me) she will either get really angry at the person or come tell me how angry she is about what so and so said. This really has affected her work as she will carry a grudge about someone who has criticized her (even if in a constructive way)
- She chose a job that she no longer has to interact with ppl. When she had her other job she would frequently make excuses to avoid that part (client interaction) of it as much as possible. She was better at her other position but I helped her transition into what I do and she can do it 100% from home now.
- She is excessivly concered with her appearance and not being "fat"(she is 100lbs). Looking old, wrinkles/etc. She is very insecure and has low self esteem she would insult herself in front of me. I feel like this was a "test" of sorts. I think she brings it up sometimes so I would tell her its not true. She would act slightly happy, but she would continute to insist she is that way. I think this comes from her mother. Because she would call her fat as a child.
- She is really guarded. It took me a very long time (Years) to get her to trust me to what I could see as consistantly being 85% of what a "normal" relationship would be. She admits her "wall" as being a defense mechanism because she "has been hurt enough for several lifetimes".
- She is very proud of her defense mechanism in which she can "make herself feel any way about a situation that she wants". I thought this was an odd thing to be proud of.
We broke because "I wouldnt commit to her". I wouldnt commit to her because I felt like she did care but would constantly be apethetic about our relationship. She has been in relative few in number but long term and bad relationships. I really did want to spend my life with her but this really concerned me. I wondered if the same fate would happen to us if we got married.
When I started feeling a little comfortable I would get the coolness and that would push me back. The few times I mentioned it (the criticism thing made me feel like I couldnt continually bring it up or force an answer from her) the subject was changed.
It was very odd because I can tell she really really likes me(or did).
For example, if there was an argument. I would always be the one that had to make the first move to reconcile. If something went bad she would always kind of "test" me and say well maybe we arent right. When I assured her she would be fine again. She would never do anything to show me she "needed" me in any way unless it kinda slipped out.
When we interacted it would get to the point where it was very obvious that we were head over heels for each other but other times usually after being close I would get a distant feeling.
She would aways insist that "she is not needy", she strived to prove this but it seems contrary to her feelings.
She left for an childhood family friend that she just reconnected with(he is in the midst of a divorce). ShShe would never date a stranger or random guy.
She never broke it off with me just said she was going on a date with the guy because I wouldn't commit. Eventually I had to do it to make it official. After it went well with them, she completely stopped talking to me. She went very rapidly into the R and brought her son into the mix/ went on vacation with him. I feel like she did it partly so I wouldnt "talk her back" and partly so it would be a little harder for them to end the R.
I feel like she has to make it 100% my fault. As she can have no part in the failure. Clearly I have fault in this but its not completly mine.
I'm wondering if I'm reaching here or if there might be something to this? I figured that ppl that have this would be able to tell me if this is indicative of AvPD.
I'm not sure I would be interested in any kind of reconciliation with her but I do still love her and if I could help her in any way by pointing her in a direction that might help her in the future I would like to.
About her:
- She has almost no friends. I dont think she talks to her 2-3 "friends" more than once every 3-6 months, if that.
- She is very introverted (I am too) and would much rather stay in. When I'm not around I dont think she leaves the house to do more than pick up necessities or to drop her son off at a friend's house. She calls herself "a hermit" in a negative way.
- The mildest criticism (especially from anyone other than me) she will either get really angry at the person or come tell me how angry she is about what so and so said. This really has affected her work as she will carry a grudge about someone who has criticized her (even if in a constructive way)
- She chose a job that she no longer has to interact with ppl. When she had her other job she would frequently make excuses to avoid that part (client interaction) of it as much as possible. She was better at her other position but I helped her transition into what I do and she can do it 100% from home now.
- She is excessivly concered with her appearance and not being "fat"(she is 100lbs). Looking old, wrinkles/etc. She is very insecure and has low self esteem she would insult herself in front of me. I feel like this was a "test" of sorts. I think she brings it up sometimes so I would tell her its not true. She would act slightly happy, but she would continute to insist she is that way. I think this comes from her mother. Because she would call her fat as a child.
- She is really guarded. It took me a very long time (Years) to get her to trust me to what I could see as consistantly being 85% of what a "normal" relationship would be. She admits her "wall" as being a defense mechanism because she "has been hurt enough for several lifetimes".
- She is very proud of her defense mechanism in which she can "make herself feel any way about a situation that she wants". I thought this was an odd thing to be proud of.
We broke because "I wouldnt commit to her". I wouldnt commit to her because I felt like she did care but would constantly be apethetic about our relationship. She has been in relative few in number but long term and bad relationships. I really did want to spend my life with her but this really concerned me. I wondered if the same fate would happen to us if we got married.
When I started feeling a little comfortable I would get the coolness and that would push me back. The few times I mentioned it (the criticism thing made me feel like I couldnt continually bring it up or force an answer from her) the subject was changed.
It was very odd because I can tell she really really likes me(or did).
For example, if there was an argument. I would always be the one that had to make the first move to reconcile. If something went bad she would always kind of "test" me and say well maybe we arent right. When I assured her she would be fine again. She would never do anything to show me she "needed" me in any way unless it kinda slipped out.
When we interacted it would get to the point where it was very obvious that we were head over heels for each other but other times usually after being close I would get a distant feeling.
She would aways insist that "she is not needy", she strived to prove this but it seems contrary to her feelings.
She left for an childhood family friend that she just reconnected with(he is in the midst of a divorce). ShShe would never date a stranger or random guy.
She never broke it off with me just said she was going on a date with the guy because I wouldn't commit. Eventually I had to do it to make it official. After it went well with them, she completely stopped talking to me. She went very rapidly into the R and brought her son into the mix/ went on vacation with him. I feel like she did it partly so I wouldnt "talk her back" and partly so it would be a little harder for them to end the R.
I feel like she has to make it 100% my fault. As she can have no part in the failure. Clearly I have fault in this but its not completly mine.
I'm wondering if I'm reaching here or if there might be something to this? I figured that ppl that have this would be able to tell me if this is indicative of AvPD.
I'm not sure I would be interested in any kind of reconciliation with her but I do still love her and if I could help her in any way by pointing her in a direction that might help her in the future I would like to.