Helping someone I care about

inquisitive · 05-14-2009

Although I personally have some trouble with relating to people,and liking people in general, this post is not about me.

I have a friend, well, he started out that way. Then we were in a relationship for two years.
The thing is, recently our relationship ended. He said he needed to be alone, which sounds normal enough.
But I know he's had a rocky past and has social anxiety as well as bipolarism.

After I got over the initial selfish upset of not being with him I started thinking in a more sensible way.
He told me that he still cares about me and misses me but has to be alone. Apparently what we had was getting to be too comfortable.
With the things in his mind that he struggles with, I began to think.. is he pushing me away? Did I get too close?
I'm the kind of person who is willing to do pretty much anything to help him, even if it means leaving him completely alone for awhile,
but I worry about him.

I am empathetic, and understanding. We have never had a single fight and he often says that there are ways that I am
like him. I've been letting him be, we haven't talked in a week, but now I want to know, how do I help him?
I don't like the idea of him being on drugs, he has trouble with them, and his disorders are not a main thing in his personality.
They're only noticeable if you get close to him. He hates therapy because he believes he is an individual in his experiences and they can do nothing for him.
I helped him for a long time, and I know I was helping. I've been very supportive. But now I'm feeling kind of lost.

I've talked to friends of mine and they offered no help to the individual case, they just say text-book "you'll get over it" relationship
advice. But that's not all that this is about. I'm not thinking about me right now, I'm thinking about him.

Please, if anyone here has some insight I'd love to hear it.

Banvard · 05-15-2009

Quote:

Originally Posted by inquisitive

Although I personally have some trouble with relating to people,and liking people in general, this post is not about me.

I have a friend, well, he started out that way. Then we were in a relationship for two years.
The thing is, recently our relationship ended. He said he needed to be alone, which sounds normal enough.
But I know he's had a rocky past and has social anxiety as well as bipolarism.

After I got over the initial selfish upset of not being with him I started thinking in a more sensible way.
He told me that he still cares about me and misses me but has to be alone. Apparently what we had was getting to be too comfortable.
With the things in his mind that he struggles with, I began to think.. is he pushing me away? Did I get too close?
I'm the kind of person who is willing to do pretty much anything to help him, even if it means leaving him completely alone for awhile,
but I worry about him.

I am empathetic, and understanding. We have never had a single fight and he often says that there are ways that I am
like him. I've been letting him be, we haven't talked in a week, but now I want to know, how do I help him?
I don't like the idea of him being on drugs, he has trouble with them, and his disorders are not a main thing in his personality.
They're only noticeable if you get close to him. He hates therapy because he believes he is an individual in his experiences and they can do nothing for him.
I helped him for a long time, and I know I was helping. I've been very supportive. But now I'm feeling kind of lost.

I've talked to friends of mine and they offered no help to the individual case, they just say text-book "you'll get over it" relationship
advice. But that's not all that this is about. I'm not thinking about me right now, I'm thinking about him.

Please, if anyone here has some insight I'd love to hear it.

Welcome to the forum Inquisitive. I am sorry to hear about your friend. Living with SA is not easy, and it can affect not only the sufferer, but also the ones they care for. Your post sent chills down my spine. I think I can imagine what is going through his mind. I think it comes down to him loving you so much, that he does not want to hurt you anymore. If I was ever in the beginning of a relationship, I think I would end up convincing her that I was not good, and urge her to find someone else, and be happy. I would say this to someone I loved. If he is reaching out, maybe you should reach back.

Remus · 05-15-2009

Quote:

Originally Posted by inquisitive

I've talked to friends of mine and they offered no help to the individual case, they just say text-book "you'll get over it" relationship
advice. But that's not all that this is about. I'm not thinking about me right now, I'm thinking about him.

Your freinds are right, it sounds like a cliche I know.
Time to move on and think about yourself, you still care and you have to let go of that now, give the pair of you space and time, hopefully you can then mantain a true freindship

inquisitive · 05-16-2009

Quote:

Originally Posted by Banvard

Welcome to the forum Inquisitive. I am sorry to hear about your friend. Living with SA is not easy, and it can affect not only the sufferer, but also the ones they care for. Your post sent chills down my spine. I think I can imagine what is going through his mind. I think it comes down to him loving you so much, that he does not want to hurt you anymore. If I was ever in the beginning of a relationship, I think I would end up convincing her that I was not good, and urge her to find someone else, and be happy. I would say this to someone I loved. If he is reaching out, maybe you should reach back.

Thank you for being so understanding, I believe you've hit some of the problems exactly on the nose, and it's nice to hear.
I'm talking a month away from him, for both of us to think and get some stuff done, but I'm hoping to go for coffee with him at the beginning of June and talk