How are you feeling?

Yet again ma family show how much they buckin' "love" me by twisted my words. And attempting to emotionally blackmail me, which used tae be quite an affect way of makin' sure ah knew ma place in the family.

But noo ah couldnae give a f**k! Ah copped on to their wee, not-so-subtle shaming tactics long ago that ah just laugh in their faces whenever ma mum or oldest sister pout and beg me to do as they say.

And the mair they provoke me - ma mum tried to make hit her the day, the daft bitch - cuz that always a laugh, innit? Provokin' a Scottish person's temper.

As well as makin' me oot tae this cold, violent, uncaring, ungrateful, intimidatin' c**t, the more ah distance masel' fae them. Because there's nae point tryin' to change someone's perception of ye when it's as skewiff as that. Ye cannae win! Sorry, just venting... Ma life doesnae seem to be getting any better. :sad:

I don't know what to do anymore.

I'd give up, but I already did that years ago.

Not much left.

Things aren't going so well in my life. Depression. This has been a strange year so far.
I really want to get my creative side going again.
It's been a long time since I've even written a poem. But it's like I lost that voice in my head. Hard to get it back with depression going on.
I think I'll go try to write something now and see how it goes.
Things just seem f'ing weird now. I don't know a lot of people but it's like the people I do know have changed. They act different now. I don't think it's me because I can actually point to things they are doing different.
I know things change and people change but this is too much too soon.
There is an ominous cloud hanging over my head right now. Very ominous.
Oh well, going to try to write something and get my brain sparking again.

So here is what I was able to get out of my head:


Ominus cloud,
Stretching out bitterly,
Horizon beaming,
Dust warm wind speculate and positive bright,
We have seen many dents in our armor,
Our holy cell cycle in it,
Of unholy repetition inside the casting,
Maddening spherical,
Today I saw the hawks circling and I thought of you,
Dry warm wind as they ascended and descended smoothly against the deep sky,
Wrath in circles,
Circles, weaving, bobbing anger their wings festooned the blue,
My heart is the prey and the meat for nothingness,
And nothingness is round like the flight of those vultures,
Then I thought of armor like skin,
Like dirty skin protectant for us,
Nothing can penetrate it's wrath,
I fear we shall always be angry clowns.


Not the greatest but felt good to write something.

MollyBeGood said:

I feel pissed. I can't believe how crippling anxiety is and how it makes a persons world so small. Sometimes it gets so bad I cannot even leave my bed. When I do feel better it is like the world opens up again. Such extremes. It is so exhausting.

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I agree, bed is often the safest place, once I close the door on the world. However, sometimes when my anxiety is bad I can hardly sleep, my thoughts keep me awake most of the night. I really have to exhaust myself physically to really sleep heavily, and those sleeps are bliss. It's like I slip off the face of the earth for a while, into a dreamless, thoughtless place, where I lose track of time, place and the concept of self.

That's pretty cool S_Spartan. I wouldn't have guessed you were the poetic type.

I just don't know. With every passing day I am losing more and more control over my life as I sink deeper into this oblivion of mental issues. I used to ask myself when this madness will end. Now I know the answer for sure, the madness will end when I decide to end.

Mixed feelings really.

Proud on the one hand that ma legs are slowly gettin' back tae how they were, only better cuz o' the surgery.

Yet, I'm ragin' at the setback ma new leg braces huv been. Got them in February and ah still huv'nae worn them while walkin' as ah should be. :kickingmyself: :thumbdown:

Brain feels like its turning to mush. I see why they advised me to only take this medicine at bedtime...

Ive been back and forth over this so many times. Its on, its off, its on, its off.

Proper grown up relationships are not on and off every five minutes. I have this nagging feeling.

I feel incredibly strange right now, like just...nervous, sad, alone, lonely, scared, unreal. Well it's probably because of lack of sleep and maybe lack of human contact...I've been more alone than usually, lately.

Late last night I had to start washing sheets and everything that was on my bed, because I had flea bites... I'm pretty sure they're flea bites, not mosquito bites, and I think I might have brought fleas from when I took care of someone's cat (and horses) some days ago.
So I began doing laundry, and I prepared the couch to sleep on because I didn't want to sleep in the bed because I suspected the fleas were there....

And I slept too late, woke up today with a headache and have been feeling weird all day.
Then I began thinking that my phone isn't working properly, because someone hasn't texted me back, which is weird because he was waiting for me to reply to a question and then he was gonna write to me after I replied, but he didn't.... I'm sort of paranoid that he either is annoyed with me or that my phone isn't working.
I hope I can get a good nights sleep and that I'll feel better tomorrow.

Oh and please can I not have any more flea bites tonight? Please?

Ah, there we go! Depression - welcome back. Ah've missed feelin' mair crappy than ah currently am. :kickingmyself: Startin' tae wonder if folk like me are actually meant for this world? ::

Ah know life's no meant tae be easy, like - ah get that. It's just mine seems like a daily never-ending struggle with ma mental and physical self. Apparently disabled people huv'nae got anythin' to be depressed aboot... Which is ironic.

Dinnae get me started aboot the constant guilt-tripping and provocations of violence ma family keep goading me with, much tae their amusement like. Ma mum particularly bad for that. She never learns from her mistake, but I've got nowt to teach her. Just a wee self-depricatin' joke there.

Anyway, just venting... Mind you, it's at times like this that I'm glad ah've been able to buy alcohol since ah wus 14 cuz that when ma beard started. Not that ah encourage that sorta behaviour...

Already posted today and I do try to keep it to just one on this tread, but sometimes you just can't. A while ago I planned how I would carry out my suicide if I ever decided to take that route. Well given what things are looking they will be like I may decide to put it into action sooner or later. Will still take some time for reasons I won't discuss. But once everything is in place and if my future is where I think it will be,no where, then I am going through with it. This year truly will answer a lot of questions in that regard for me. And I'm not even sad about writing that because I am just numb to it by now.

Like I'm forever changing a tire on the shoulder of the highway of life, and nobody ever stops to help. Ain't no AAA for that.

Overwhelmed.

I've never been so happy to be home, holy shit. A lot of really ****ed up stuff has happened these past 2 weeks and just this year in general. I've made some incredibly stupid mistakes. 6 days in the hospital was total hell, I actually stopped breathing and CPR brought me back. I also got all my money stolen and some possessions taken. That's not so important but it just completely sucks. I almost wish I didn't make it, now I'm here and so unbelievably lost and confused. I don't know what to do with myself or how to deal with my emotions. I can't even believe this happened, it almost seems like a dream. This is by far the craziest experience I've ever had in my life. I don't think I've ever felt so overwhelmed and anxious and those are two things I feel on a daily basis. This panic is going to be excruciating to deal with.

3 posts in one day. Must be a really bad day today and more so than usual. I have had some arguments with people who I wish would just leave me alone. They come after me even though I leave them alone and want nothing to do with them. All I ask is to die in my sleep tonight peacefully. Please let this happen because I cannot stand it anymore.

Glad you survived that harrowing experience Psychedilicious. Sometimes simply surviving is an achievement.

Psyche, glad you that you're OK!

You're amazing. If you ever need a friend, let me know.

I make some delicious lemon cupcakes. Or chocolate cupcakes with vanilla bean frosting and raspberry filling. I can always use help in scarfing them down.

Truly, I'm glad you're OK.

Re: Overwhelmed.

Psychedelicious said:

I've never been so happy to be home, holy shit. A lot of really ****ed up stuff has happened these past 2 weeks and just this year in general. I've made some incredibly stupid mistakes. 6 days in the hospital was total hell, I actually stopped breathing and CPR brought me back. I also got all my money stolen and some possessions taken. That's not so important but it just completely sucks. I almost wish I didn't make it, now I'm here and so unbelievably lost and confused. I don't know what to do with myself or how to deal with my emotions. I can't even believe this happened, it almost seems like a dream. This is by far the craziest experience I've ever had in my life. I don't think I've ever felt so overwhelmed and anxious and those are two things I feel on a daily basis. This panic is going to be excruciating to deal with.

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That sounds scary, I'm sorry you experienced that. I'm glad you survived. I always read your posts with interest and sympathy, ever since I became a member 5 years ago.

defiance said:

Already posted today and I do try to keep it to just one on this tread, but sometimes you just can't. A while ago I planned how I would carry out my suicide if I ever decided to take that route. Well given what things are looking they will be like I may decide to put it into action sooner or later. Will still take some time for reasons I won't discuss. But once everything is in place and if my future is where I think it will be,no where, then I am going through with it. This year truly will answer a lot of questions in that regard for me. And I'm not even sad about writing that because I am just numb to it by now.

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I'm sorry you feel like that is the best option, all though I feel the same way often.

I've often thought "if this and that happens, then I'll feel good". And certain things definitely can make me feel good, but with time I've learned that those things don't fix me in the long run. Like, I'm still broken, unable to live happily, unable to create a life worth living. There's always too much suffering, emotionally (and physically I'm not doing so great either).

I've thought about how I would carry out my suicide, and I think I decided what way to do it.
But I'm pretty sure I could never do it, cause I'm too scared of not succeeding and putting myself in a worse condition.

I'm also slightly curious still, about life, and curious to find out if I could be better at living, could I really experience life in a whole new way?

I am really sad, lonely, depressed much of the time. Dissapointed with life, traumatized by a lot of stuff in my childhood, suffering, again and again consumed with nervousness and anxiety in social situations and also when I'm alone.

But when I feel good, I feel so good. That's the thing, I guess. That is why I'm still curious about life and unable to end it. When I'm excited about something, I feel like yes this is it, this feels so good and that's what I should feel more of the time. I can't give up hoping that I'll feel like that more of the time.

Rant over.