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Old 07-23-2016
Graeme1988's Avatar
Hie ye hence from me heath!
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Ugh! Hud this stomach ache and diarrhea for 2 days straight now. Can't eat much without huvin to run to the toilet moments later. Insomnia doesnae help matters. Other than that, ah feel tense - just dreading this pending visit from ma older sister soon.
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Old 07-23-2016
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Im feeling good today. It started out bad but I worked through it and have a date with the girl I like again this is the third date
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Old 07-23-2016
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Quote:
Originally Posted by defiance View Post
I wish I had the courage to off myself. I don't want to do this anymore. Wake up, suffer, go to sleep then repeat. Come on something has got to give here. I ....I just don't want to hurt anymore man I can't stand it. Fighting this damn mental cancer for over a decade has weakened my will power too much. I just can't do it anymore.
I just wanted you to know I think your a great guy and you just have to search a way to live with your mental illness. But first you have to accept it. Suicide isn't the way out of it but seek professional help and know you are worth it, don't let anyone say different. If they do kick them in the pants.
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defiance (07-23-2016)
Old 07-23-2016
Graeme1988's Avatar
Hie ye hence from me heath!
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Disliked. Or at least, ah don't think my family like me that much.
Wish ma disability didnae mean that I'm so reliant upon them as much.

Why bother sayin' yer doing what I asked of ye, if yer not even going to bother yer arse?
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Old 07-23-2016
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dannyboy65 View Post
I just wanted you to know I think your a great guy and you just have to search a way to live with your mental illness. But first you have to accept it. Suicide isn't the way out of it but seek professional help and know you are worth it, don't let anyone say different. If they do kick them in the pants.
Thank you for your kind words Danny. It meant a lot. Btw glad to hear you are doing well. I'm still here so if I am still breathing then I am still fighting.
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Old 07-23-2016
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It's harder to be bored when you are away from home than it is to be bored in the comfort of your own home.
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Old 07-23-2016
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I had for some time someone in my life supporting me, just to lose her when things were apparently changing for good.

I'm beginning to actually fear my bad luck, as if it were a demon haunting me, making schemes to turn my life miserable in cruel and creative ways.
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Jungle (07-26-2016)
Old 07-24-2016
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Twitchy and anemic.
Also . . .
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Old 07-24-2016
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I thought I could. I really believed for a moment in time that I thought I could go on. But the pain is just too much now. I have an expiration date of 35 if things don't turn around by then.
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Old 07-24-2016
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I wonder if there is name for fearing the town you live in. I have this phobia.
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Old 07-24-2016
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I wonder if there is name for fearing the town you live in. I have this phobia.
I don't fear my town but I surely don't fit into it and I find it boring.
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Kiwong (07-25-2016)
Old 07-25-2016
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kiwong View Post
I wonder if there is name for fearing the town you live in. I have this phobia.
I have it, too, or something like it. It's not so much the town I fear, but the past that haunts it, the eyes that might recognize and remember, the voices waiting for a chance to tell everything they know or may have heard. I don't think I'll ever feel completely at ease here. There's always a chance that I could turn the wrong corner or walk into the wrong room and fall into a trap I laid for myself years before. In another town, I could live without that constant threat. I'd move there tomorrow if only I knew where to go.
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Kiwong (07-25-2016)
Old 07-25-2016
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I am exactly the same Grey beard, the town I live in is haunted, and it is closing in around me. I'm known everywhere it seems, and not for any positive reasons. For the last two years, I have felt relieved to be on a plane out of this town, and feel dread when I return. I enjoy the anonymity of the big city, I finally am safe from all the labels and low expectations, and the pain, anger and fear I have endured here.
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Old 07-25-2016
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I want more from life than the daily grind and people's bullshit. I want things that are meaningful to me. I feel discontented, restless, bored. Unhappy.

I suppose that's a luxury for some, I don't know. I am glad I'm not in great need of anything material.
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Old 07-25-2016
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Originally Posted by Opaline View Post
I want more from life than the daily grind and people's bullshit. I want things that are meaningful to me. I feel discontented, restless, bored. Unhappy.

I suppose that's a luxury for some, I don't know. I am glad I'm not in great need of anything material.
I feel like this a lot. The thing is that I don't even know what is meaningful to me anymore.
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Old 07-25-2016
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Ashamed of who I am and what I have become. Just a failed project.
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Old 07-26-2016
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Why me? Just why...?!

If God spared me for a reason, then I'm pretty feckin' sure it wus so ah'd suffer for everyone else's mistakes. Cause I huv hud enough o' being telt to laugh it off whenever anyone in my family does summit to piss me off. And I'm not allowed to get mad about it. Because it's getting to the point where it's start to seem more deliberate than unintentional.

Because it's a right f**kin' giggle, innit, ladies? When a man hus to constantly pick up slack, and put unnecessary pressure and stress upon himself to keep the family together and happy. Much to the detriment of one's physical, mental and emotional health and well-being.

Naw, sorry, but there's consequences, right? Ye don't get to break something that belong to me, and not have me yell at ya for doing so. No matter how much of a c*** you think I am. Because how many times d'ye need to be told to learn from yer mistakes? Me, being the mistake, obviously...

Plus, it doesnae seem fair that ah get blamed for almost everything, yet I'm supposed to just let the rest o' them avoid responsibility, just because they raised me and just so happen to be women. Sorry, if this whole sound more sexist than it actually is or intended to be... I'm just ragin'.

Quote:
Originally Posted by defiance View Post
Ashamed of who I am and what I have become. Just a failed project.
Aye, me as well. Though, ah don't feel any shame about who I am and what I've become. In fact, ah couldnae give a f**k! But then ah was kinda doomed to be a failure anyway, so...
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Old 07-26-2016
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Graeme1988 View Post
Why me? Just why...?!

If God spared me for a reason, then I'm pretty feckin' sure it wus so ah'd suffer for everyone else's mistakes. Cause I huv hud enough o' being telt to laugh it off whenever anyone in my family does summit to piss me off. And I'm not allowed to get mad about it. Because it's getting to the point where it's start to seem more deliberate than unintentional.

Because it's a right f**kin' giggle, innit, ladies? When a man hus to constantly pick up slack, and put unnecessary pressure and stress upon himself to keep the family together and happy. Much to the detriment of one's physical, mental and emotional health and well-being.

Naw, sorry, but there's consequences, right? Ye don't get to break something that belong to me, and not have me yell at ya for doing so. No matter how much of a c*** you think I am. Because how many times d'ye need to be told to learn from yer mistakes? Me, being the mistake, obviously...

Plus, it doesnae seem fair that ah get blamed for almost everything, yet I'm supposed to just let the rest o' them avoid responsibility, just because they raised me and just so happen to be women. Sorry, if this whole sound more sexist than it actually is or intended to be... I'm just ragin'.



Aye, me as well. Though, ah don't feel any shame about who I am and what I've become. In fact, ah couldnae give a f**k! But then ah was kinda doomed to be a failure anyway, so...

Sorry you go through so much s**t man. Why can't these people just understand that it isn't easy being us. Do they understand what it's like battling this mental cancer every single day? No because if they did they would be more compassionate, or at least I believe most would be compassionate. They criticize us for what we cannot do without realizing what we first have to overcome.
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Old 07-26-2016
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I had a little bit of a drink last night to ease the edge a bit so I could sleep and, THE MAN I AM BIOLOGICALLY RELATED TO, called me an alcoholic. It's just one drink man what's the big deal. You smoke like a mad man and you have a heart condition you need to be watching. You want to call me an addict when you can't stop your bad habit? People just don't understand how close I am to the edge. I'm just sad all the time so I need something to help me through the day. One or two drinks may be viewed as a problem by some but I don't because it really helps me in my most difficult times. I just want to cry all the time but don't because that's not what men do. Granted I have no right to call myself a man regardless of age because mentally I am just a boy. I wish so bad to have someone face to face to talk about my problems. If only there was someone I knew and trusted who I can have a conversation with regarding my issues.
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Old 07-26-2016
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I've stopped eating. I hate the sensation of having something on my stomach. I had like a slice or two of bread and water for the past days.

My family either don't give a shit about me or don't like me, and all I've done my whole life was try to support them with all that I have.

I want to go away.
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