How are you feeling?

God i'm so hopeless. Couldn't even say hello to neighbour's daughter, all i could do is a tiny wave from a distance. We were walking towards each other from afar, so i sped up to reach my house gate before her, so that i could avoid passing & having to say hello. This always happens with the opposite sex for me. :sad: :kickingmyself:

Edit: Wondering how i'll "survive" tonight. God knows. Watch tv? More booze? More music/lies/craziness? Cream in my ears?
'...somebody get me a doctor'
:question: :question:

Woke up this morning wondering why I even bothered. :idontknow:
Had a lucid dream in which ended up dying, hardly surprising, since I've been thinkin' about how my end will come, lately. :sad: The sooner the better, at least then I'll be at peace.

It's hard to live when yer constantly having to put in extra effort to overcompensate for mental and physical disabilities.

Another day in life of the unlikeable loser that is me. No friends. No life. No purpose.

Can't even buy my own booze because my mum doesnae like huvin it in the hoose. :veryangry:

Wonder if I'd be any happier living on my own? :question: No-one to tell what I'm allowed and not allowed to do all the time.

Sick of myself. That makes it unanimous.

GraybeardGhost said:

Sick of myself. That makes it unanimous.

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Yep, I can certainly relate. :sad:

Elated and relieved. I got an easy break on a huge lab that was due today. My TA had me stay after class and he helped me out, said he knew I was really worried over it and it was a hard lab to begin with. The entire class had just as much trouble with it, so he's being lenient on grading. *phew*

I also had a presentation to do today, which I was also panicking about. I was the only one of my group that didn't have any notes to refer to. I thought I made a mistake there, but I was actually congratulated for it. I didn't cover everything I wanted to, unfortunately, because nerves got the best of me. But I tried my hardest to recall purely from memory and I apparently did very well. I don't think I reached the 10 minute mark either, but hey it's done. I got asked a lot of questions after my presentation, more than the last two people that presented before me, which tells me that mine was informative and interesting and I covered enough I think. Two girls that sit near me said I did really well and were really impressed by how much I knew and how I "didn't appear panicky at all." One even said mine was "the best of the three." I was surprised because I know I said "um" a lot and I felt stiff even though I did move around and stuff. Plus I had technical difficulties in the beginning, but wasn't my fault obviously. Those two girls even talked with me for 15 minutes after class had already ended, asking questions and complimenting me and I exchanged numbers with the one. So yay, networking!

If I didn't have to get up super early to work tomorrow, I'd treat myself tonight to binge watching a new favorite show for a few hours.

Just comibg to terms with the fact that a better education would've done me a world of good. Mibbe then ah wouldnae be so dumb, ignorant and naive about the world around me? :thinking:

But, of course, this world wus'nae really meant for the likes of me, really. :sad:
There's nae real point in my existence, really.

Cannae help but feel that with better people around me, and a more stable upbringing, ah could've turned out differently than ah huv. :sad:

Instead of the confused, scared, insecure, uneducated, depressive, unfriendly screw-up I've become. :idontknow: Single parents aren't as great as they're made out to be... Or, at least, mine wus'nae.

GraybeardGhost said:

Sick of myself. That makes it unanimous.

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I sympathize -I often get that exact feeling too.

But for a change I actually had a good day today, a day where I felt I scored a very rare minor victory over someone Ive been working with who has been making me miserable for quite some time. Of course now I'm bracing myself for the inevitable retaliation tomorrow. mg:

Will I ever be useful to anyone? Will my life start to take on a meaning worth living for? I'm so confused, lost and scared. I don't know who I am or what I am supposed to do.:sad:

Other people making me worry about my future. YAY FOR THAT!!! :thumbdown:
Might be time for another beer or sth... :thinking:

defiance said:

Will I ever be useful to anyone? Will my life start to take on a meaning worth living for? I'm so confused, lost and scared. I don't know who I am or what I am supposed to do.:sad:

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Story of my life. Though, I don't know if that will change for me any time soon? :idontknow:
Since I tend to screw up more often than not, and can't do anything right.
Which is why ah think ma family would be better off without me, really. :sad:

Just want to say to a certain member here, if ye read this: I'm sorry, mate.

SpaceTime said:

...for a change I actually had a good day today, a day where I felt I scored a very rare minor victory over someone Ive been working with who has been making me miserable for quite some time. Of course now I'm bracing myself for the inevitable retaliation tomorrow. mg:

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Well the minor victory didn't last long. :thumbdown: However the work colleague was at least reasonable and understood my point of view even though he managed once again to to turn the tables on me and prove me wrong. But we had a sensible grown-up conversation. If it could be like that more often he wouldn't give me sleepless nights. But it takes two to tango and so I think I also need to be bolder, less fearful of him and go tell him when we need to discuss something I don't agree with. Discussing problems as they come up and resolving them could very well mean I sleep better.:thinking:

SpaceTime said:

Well the minor victory didn't last long. :thumbdown: However the work colleague was at least reasonable and understood my point of view even though he managed once again to to turn the tables on me and prove me wrong. But we had a sensible grown-up conversation. If it could be like that more often he wouldn't give me sleepless nights. But it takes two to tango and so I think I also need to be bolder, less fearful of him and go tell him when we need to discuss something I don't agree with. Discussing problems as they come up and resolving them could very well mean I sleep better.:thinking:

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You handled better than me, everytime I try to talk about something that's bothering me with my family, they tend make me feel bad for raising the issue. Rather than talk about in reasonable way. Normally I just get the silent treatment and give up... :idontknow:

Though, I quite apprehensive about talking to them most of the time since I usually get quite a hostile reaction from them. Probably why don't enjoy being around them or most people for that matter. :sad:

I feel like each morning when I wake up I die a little more inside.

defiance said:

I feel like each morning when I wake up I die a little more inside.

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Same with me, man. More so lately. :sad:

Graeme1988 said:

Same with me, man. More so lately. :sad:

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It's bulls**t man. The suffering we endure due to our messed up brain and sometimes additional suffering caused by those around us. Not existing is literally better than this bulls**t. On top of that I don't trust people as they will use you and once you have served your purpose they will dispose of you. No remorse or anything. Existence sickens me, Humanity sickens me. I have every reason not to be here and yet here I am.........F**k my life man.

After a while, life becomes just another bad habit.

Becalmed in that useless stretch of time between nap and nightfall when the day has had its doings and all energy is spent. I'm out of enthusiasm, short on hope, and mildly depressed. I wish I had some raisins.

Families and work colleagues are the toughest challenges, you cant choose 'em, you're just thrown in there. I'm lucky with my family, I had some problems early on but now its generally pretty stable and good. In fact Im probably the only fly in ointment :blushing:, bcs of my down moods, but theyre pretty tolerant. I've had enormous probs with work colleagues though, all through my working life, wherever Ive worked. Usually as you say defiance, they are out to use you, and when they've finished they dump you out on the street. Sickens me.

SpaceTime said:

Families and work colleagues are the toughest challenges, you cant choose 'em, you're just thrown in there. I'm lucky with my family, I had some problems early on but now its generally pretty stable and good. In fact Im probably the only fly in ointment :blushing:, bcs of my down moods, but theyre pretty tolerant. I've had enormous probs with work colleagues though, all through my working life, wherever Ive worked. Usually as you say defiance, they are out to use you, and when they've finished they dump you out on the street. Sickens me.

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It sickens me as well. When you show someone that you are worth something, they should appreciate it. I can't speak for myself since I feel I am worthless to everyone. I'm sorry you have to deal with such bs at work. You deserve better than that.