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Old 01-09-2017
Graeme1988's Avatar
Hie ye hence from me heath!
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More crippled by self-doubt than my own disabilities.

I also wish ah wus'nae so... wary whenever my family compliment me. But I guess that how ye tend to react when you've had people lied to ye more than be truthful.
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Old 01-09-2017
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Yep! I definitely relate there.
Anyway, I hope things do start getting better for you, even if it's just the smallest, wee change (that's better than nothing).
Thank you man. I hope things go well for you this year as well. Also I know the feeling of being crippled by your mental issues all to well. So you aren't alone. Lets hope that this is the last year of suffering and the first year of mental recovery.
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Old 01-09-2017
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Thank you man. I hope things go well for you this year as well. Also I know the feeling of being crippled by your mental issues all to well. So you aren't alone.
Much appreciated.

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Lets hope that this is the last year of suffering and the first year of mental recovery.
Here's hoping, certainly.

Though, I don't know if it'd be wise to start distancing myself from my mum and sisters, emotionally? Since ya don't browbeat, insult and humilate yer siblings to their face purely because aren't like you, personality-wise. Tease, sure.
And you sure as f**k don't react angrily at yer own child trying to be helpful.
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Old 01-10-2017
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I remember a time of chaos... ruined dreams... this wasted land.
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I feel rudderless and over caffeinated.

I also think this year is gonna be a weird one; I'm supposed to start therapy again in a few weeks. But what happens if I get better now? I'm too old to start a family, and who's going to hire me at my age with no work history? What if my depression is keeping me safe from the terrible realization that I've missed the party and everyone's long gone? I mean, I know that rationally, but I don't feel it swaddled in my gloomy blue security blanket.

I don't know, this might be the year that either makes me or undoes me quite.
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Old 01-10-2017
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I need a coffee. Or some chemicals of some sort. Done.
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Old 01-10-2017
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I think I've kind of checked out of life.
Nothing really does it for me anymore.
I'm disillusioned and there is no going back now.
I see it all as a scam now.
What are the things that mean the most to people?
Money, love, sex, status, spreading your genes, stuff, attention.
All scams.
All scams to force or motivate you to do something or be a certain way.
Many of them are tied to your dopamine system to keep you wanting more.
Not all of these scams are man-made. Even your own DNA is forcing you to do things and be a certain way.
I'm way too weird for this world.
I'm certainly too weird for this town that I live in.
Sometimes I cannot believe how simple the people here are. Their lives consist of working and sick kids. Sometimes I envy them. They have never questioned anything.
Some dude years ago who ran a local Renaissance festival told me "people around here do what their fathers did, they don't even question it." He was right.
I know that I'm not where I'm supposed to be but I have no idea where that is.
I don't know anymore if there is anyplace I should be.
Other people get signs and opportunities open up that gets them to where they need to be.
I've never got those.
Always been on my own in this regard
I don't even feel that there is a place on the internet for me anymore.
The places for weird people seem to have been taken over by normies or have just gone away.
I don't necessarily want to commit suicide but I get up everyday and ask "now what"?
Put up with the aches and pains of life just for the hell of it?
I simply cannot take comfort in the things that other people take comfort in. Those things can't keep me going.
If you read all this then bless you!
What is even more amazing is that I typed it all on my phone with just one thumb.
Now there's a talent that take you places.. haha
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Old 01-10-2017
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Just filling in the time...................................
(only slightly bored)
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Old 01-10-2017
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A completely, utterly , broken human being. Fearful of being around people, and feeling no peace when I am around them. This will probably not end well for me. I won't commit suicide, but all this fear will wear my body out.
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Old 01-10-2017
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Where we're going, we won't need eyes to see.
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I feel like my very being is looking for something.. searching and yearning to find it.

I don't know what though..
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Old 01-10-2017
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Originally Posted by Kiwong View Post
A completely, utterly , broken human being. Fearful of being around people, and feeling no peace when I am around them. This will probably not end well for me. I won't commit suicide, but all this fear will wear my body out.
Don't know what else to say? Other than, I can relate.

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I feel like my very being is looking for something.. searching and yearning to find it.

I don't know what though..
I feel this is what my life has been... Searching, yearning. For what? Love? Acceptance? A sense of belonging?
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Old 01-10-2017
Graeme1988's Avatar
Hie ye hence from me heath!
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I'm kinda losing hope of anything ever really change for me in ma life.

It deeply saddens me that I never got to live life on my terms, even now I feel nagging guilt whenever I do something for myself. Like whenever I insist upon not being so dependent upon others, my family take that as a sign of me being ungrateful.

Because everytime I do something without first telling my family, they don't like it. They feel it's not what they want; or they feel left out. The irony of course being that, I've spent most my life doing what they want, without so much as a complaint. Unless I really can't be bothered, then I'll speak up. But other than that? Well, cannae complain.

Ah mean, I didn't want my life to be like this. This "unhappy marriage" of an existence. Which is what my life has been like. The constant struggles. Being told how and who I should be. As well as what to do.

The utter misery of knowing full well that things could be so much better. Yet little, if anything, actually improves. Not through any my own fault or lack of effort. But because those around me are content with how things are. Since it's much easier to say yer gonnae do something than actually doing it. Yet, actions speaks louder than words.

Sorry, this what currently occupying my thoughts. And since no-one in my family wants to help me makes sense of it, I'm just letting it flow here.
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Old 01-10-2017
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No yearning to live. No connection to anything. The main emotions I feel on a daily basis is anger, regret, sorrow, fear, and so forth. It is unbelievable that I am alive today because looking back at it all, I really don't know how I made it to this point. I am not right for this world. I am not right for this society of people. Even as I am writing this my mind is destroying me. It won't stop....not until I am dead....I just know it.
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Old 01-10-2017
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Hie ye hence from me heath!
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No yearning to live. No connection to anything. The main emotions I feel on a daily basis is anger, regret, sorrow, fear, and so forth. It is unbelievable that I am alive today because looking back at it all, I really don't know how I made it to this point. I am not right for this world. I am not right for this society of people. Even as I am writing this my mind is destroying me. It won't stop....not until I am dead....I just know it.
Not saying this to make ya feel better, but, I can relate to every single word you said here. Serious, you articulate better than I ever could. Well, except the main emotions I feel daily, or as of late are: Frustration, fear and regret.

Ah don't feel connected to much, either - except my music.

Anyway, again, I hope things get better for you, mate.
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Old 01-10-2017
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Hie ye hence from me heath!
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No yearning to live. No connection to anything. The main emotions I feel on a daily basis is anger, regret, sorrow, fear, and so forth. It is unbelievable that I am alive today because looking back at it all, I really don't know how I made it to this point. I am not right for this world. I am not right for this society of people. Even as I am writing this my mind is destroying me. It won't stop....not until I am dead....I just know it.
Not saying this to make ya feel better, but, I can relate to every single word you said here. Serious, you articulate better than I ever could. Well, except the main emotions I feel daily, or as of late are: Frustration, fear and regret.

Ah don't feel connected to much, either - except my music.

Anyway, again, I hope things get better for you, mate.
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Old 01-10-2017
 

Iv been extremely depressed since Thursday which has made me REALLY tired . Iv barely even felt like getting out of bed but I have to. I wish she would call me . That's all i want right now..just to hear from her
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Old 01-10-2017
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Not saying this to make ya feel better, but, I can relate to every single word you said here. Serious, you articulate better than I ever could. Well, except the main emotions I feel daily, or as of late are: Frustration, fear and regret.

Ah don't feel connected to much, either - except my music.

Anyway, again, I hope things get better for you, mate.
Thank you Graeme. I'm sorry you can relate to this. Hope things work out well for you too. It will be tough but I think we both know that very well. I think another thing that makes it difficult for people like us, regardless of what you suffer from, is when you feel like tomorrows schedule has already been written for you and it is full of the same thing you are going through today...maybe even worse. I mean who wants to wake up to that? Yet here we are. Which is why I said that I was surprised I had made it to this point in my life. Anyways I'm rambling again so I'll end it by saying best of luck to you in whatever you decide to do and hope things turn out for the best.
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Old 01-10-2017
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Thank you Graeme. I'm sorry you can relate to this. Hope things work out well for you too. It will be tough but I think we both know that very well.
Lately I'm kinda 50/50 on things working out for the best to be honest.

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I think another thing that makes it difficult for people like us, regardless of what you suffer from, is when you feel like tomorrows schedule has already been written for you and it is full of the same thing you are going through today...maybe even worse. I mean who wants to wake up to that? Yet here we are. Which is why I said that I was surprised I had made it to this point in my life.
Oh, I'm much the same. Waking up, doing the same ol' routine. I mean, I do try to change it up from time to time. And ah wus kinda succeeding there over the summer of 2016. But ever since New Year, I've just been in this rut.

Though, constant discouragement as I've gotten older, particularly from my mum, has very much hindered me from actually doing and experiencing new, and normal things like most people my age. So, it's not entirely down to me being disabled.

It's hard to live a happy life when you constantly being told who you should be and what you should do most the time. My life up until this point has been making others happy, which has left me miserable. So ah don't recommend that.

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Anyways I'm rambling again so I'll end it by saying best of luck to you in whatever you decide to do and hope things turn out for the best.
Same back at ye, pal.
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Old 01-11-2017
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Oh, I'm much the same. Waking up, doing the same ol' routine. I mean, I do try to change it up from time to time. And ah wus kinda succeeding there over the summer of 2016. But ever since New Year, I've just been in this rut
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"Novelty is one of the keys to happiness". Interesting...
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Old 01-11-2017
Graeme1988's Avatar
Hie ye hence from me heath!
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Originally Posted by Graeme1988 View Post
Oh, I'm much the same. Waking up, doing the same ol' routine. I mean, I do try to change it up from time to time. And ah wus kinda succeeding there over the summer of 2016. But ever since New Year, I've just been in this rut.
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"Novelty is one of the keys to happiness". Interesting...
Ah know this is gonnae make me sound like a right f**ktard, but whit's the connection between what I said and your quote about novelty?
I know it's probably going to obviously, but I'm too sleep deprived tae figure it out.
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Old 01-11-2017
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Scared and anxious... Again
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