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Old 02-17-2017
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Originally Posted by defiance View Post
The confusion and frustration levels are through the roof. I can't stand this stupid, pointless, worthless, irrelevant existence game that I am forced to play. What am I supposed to do? Is this the way my life is going to be everyday? I don't know man. Everyday that I am alive, I start to understand Bill Murray's character from groundhog day a little bit better when he was at the suicidal part. Just waking up to the same s**t time after time after time is unbearable and yet we have to deal with it not so much for ourselves but for other peoples sake.
You sound just like me, man.
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Old 02-17-2017
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I remember a time of chaos... ruined dreams... this wasted land.
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Tired, and my feet hurt. These cheap boots are nearing the end, my next ones are going to be a quality pair of footwear.
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Old 02-17-2017
 

Feeling annoyed. Alex Jones is such a fear monger. I listen to him now only to be entertained. I did give him a short window of my time a few yrs ago when I didn't know any better. Wow!!! He uses some really smart tactics though and does say some real truths peppered in there with all this straight up fear porn *barf*
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Old 02-18-2017
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Had a sexy dream last night!!! For a change, i realised i was dreaming, and so allowed myself to act on my urges (which i seldom do in real life). Needless to say, things got very messy... BONZA!!!
(i guess i'd been building things up, and this was an outlet, to export my frustrations)
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Old 02-18-2017
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Dead. Tired. I've been up since 8 am and I was planning on going to bed early, but my cousins called me so I went over and hung out with them. Now it's 5 am and I'm beat. Oh well, I prefer being up nights anyway. So long decent sleep routine.
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Old 02-18-2017
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Kinda hoping I go to sleep and don't wake up tomorrow. But that's very unlikely.
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Old 02-18-2017
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Originally Posted by Graeme1988 View Post
Nothern Ireland uses the British pound as well. The Republic of Ireland use the Euro as currency. At least, I think that's correct.
The Republic of Ireland is not part of the UK then?

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Originally Posted by Graeme1988 View Post
Yep! Each of us share the same mum, but different fathers, But we grew-up together. And our dads couldn't be bothered sticking around to raise us. So, we've got those things in common.
I didn't know that, that is messed up of your dads.

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Originally Posted by Graeme1988 View Post
Because the positive remark about my appearance were so rare up until recently. It was always some racist remark justified as a sarcastic joke, which to my family was harmless. Since they could easily forget how much I got bullied in school for my appearance.

So, for me, whenever they do praise my appearance, part me of tends to question the sincerity of their remark.
Oh. Your family says racist things to you then?

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Oh, I had an awkward encounter with a young English lad who was had out flyers to folk trying to encourage them to come see this comedy show. He's just stuttered through his pitch and seem quite intimidating by me.
Maybe he was anxious.


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Originally Posted by Graeme1988 View Post
I considered it a year after my dad passed away, but opted against it. Since I didn't want to do it for the wrong reasons. And didn't want it to get back to my dad's side of the family. Since they'd probably give me guff for it. Having not grown up with my dad.
You didn't want your dad's side of the family to talk bad about you?

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Well, it's the only culture I grew up with for much of ma life. So, aye.
Oh okay. So you only embrace your Scottish side right?

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Yeah. Tanned enough to not be mistake for a white guy, anyway.
Oh.

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Yeah, I was referring to my dad when I said that, because that what he did.
So you were the only biracial family where you lived at the time?

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Because of the stereotypes usually associated with these 2 genre of music. Yer metalheads are commonly thought of as depressed, angry and into satanism. And classical music usually associated with posh, upper class, intelligent, educated types.
That makes sense.

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If they don't, they certainly give off that impression.
Just know that you are meaningful even if your family gives of that impression that you are worthless.

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No problem. Sorry, I shortened your response there.
Cool. Where did you shorten my response?
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Old 02-18-2017
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Originally Posted by theslowesthand View Post
BDD stands for body dismorphic disorder.
Not just plain ugly = not just ugly.
I've always hated my looks, body, hair, voice, name - i felt they were all "ugly" (which they have been, to me .. and on occasion i have been called ugly, via various words).
And there's always various factors that contribute, like my mood, lighting, mirror, skin color (tan or pale), clothes. So it's quite difficult to accurately label oneself as "ugly". It seems quite subjective, imho.
My advice I guess is to think of yourself as attractive. Like use positive self talk.
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Old 02-19-2017
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The Republic of Ireland is not part of the UK then?
No, the Republic of Ireland isn't part of the UK. Just Northern Ireland is part of the UK. I know, it's confusing, since I also tend to think of Ireland as whole country. Forgetting about the north/south divide of the country.


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I didn't know that, that is messed up of your dads.
Yeah, it is. I think I was most affected by that, being the youngest and only son. Not having that parent I was supposed to be like, model myself after. Being told to be the man of the house but never being taught how, or given the chance to. And I look just like my dad as well.

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Oh. Your family says racist things to you then?
They used to, but not anymore. Just some ill-judged jokes about my appearance, like. Nothing derogatory as far slurs go, still pretty cruel, though. There's only so often you can hear the "You look just..." joke, with the punchline comparing you to a Middle Eastern terrorist stereotype, and genuinely laugh at. Before it starts remind you of the bullies from yer school days. Plus, I could never think of a funnier comeback.

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Maybe he was anxious.
That's what my sister and I thought. Still I felt empathy for the lad, it's no easy going up to and speaking to total strangers.

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You didn't want your dad's side of the family to talk bad about you?
Well, I didn't want them to think I was doing to spite my father. Since my dad and I never got a long, and I never truly knew him, compared my other half-siblings on his side of the family. Mainly because my mum and sisters never had a good word to say about him while I was growing up, given how abusive he was towards our mum. Though, thankful that was long before I came into the world.

And when he did come back into my life, my mum and sisters just expected me to forget the story they'd told about him. And my mum's relationship advice to me, which was obviously heavily influenced by her past relationships. Particularly with my dad, and the relationship previous to that, my older half-sister's dad.

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Oh okay. So you only embrace your Scottish side right?
Uh-huh! Well, it was the only culture I grew up around. So, haven't known anything. Though, racism made me more aware of the other side of my racial identity. I think I'd have embraced my African side more equally if I'd had a better relationship with my dad.

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So you were the only biracial family where you lived at the time
No, there's an Asian family who own the Chinese takeaway, who are bi-racial. They been living in the town long before I was born. The son who works there has a strong Scottish accent. But still rare for the town where I live.

And, in recent years, a couple families of Indian and Turkish background have settled in my area and taken over some local shops and food takeaways that were looking for new ownership.

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Just know that you are meaningful even if your family gives of that impression that you are worthless.
I know. Just difficult to realise that when I feel like such a burden at times.

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Cool. Where did you shorten my response?
Oh, just the few lines where it was just you responding to something I'd explained, and I didn't feel there was more to be said, really. So, just left those out, and shortened it to included the questions you were asking me.
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Old 02-19-2017
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Mainly because my mum and sisters never had a good word to say about him while I was growing up, given how abusive he was towards our mum. Though, thankful that was long before I came into the world
I can understand why he was abusive towards yer mum. She drove him to it.
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Old 02-19-2017
 

Feeling drained . It was a long day ...especially when we did inmate count before lunch . We had some guys who didn't want to go back into their area (called a "pod"). They argued with me and my partner and started yelling . It got really intense and then when they finally went to their bunk beds on the top level of the pod, one of them said " I got a Shank for yo a$s". Idk which one of them said it but when I heard it , EVERY hair on the back of my neck stood up. I reported it to the sergeant and she's going to look into it . Last night on night shift (which I was NOT present for becasue I have day shift ) an officer was punched in the face... so considering THAT, I took the threat very seriously . Although most likely , whoever Made the threat was just BSing .




Btw a shank is an improvised knife .
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Old 02-19-2017
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but when I heard it , EVERY hair on the back of my neck stood up
Rightly so!
Might be time for stab-proof undies, to protect your a$s
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Old 02-19-2017
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Just wasting another fine Sunday away at home. I've become an expert at wasting time & wasting my life away.
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Old 02-19-2017
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I remember a time of chaos... ruined dreams... this wasted land.
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Originally Posted by AtTheGates View Post
Feeling drained . It was a long day ...especially when we did inmate count before lunch . We had some guys who didn't want to go back into their area (called a "pod"). They argued with me and my partner and started yelling . It got really intense and then when they finally went to their bunk beds on the top level of the pod, one of them said " I got a Shank for yo a$s". Idk which one of them said it but when I heard it , EVERY hair on the back of my neck stood up. I reported it to the sergeant and she's going to look into it . Last night on night shift (which I was NOT present for becasue I have day shift ) an officer was punched in the face... so considering THAT, I took the threat very seriously . Although most likely , whoever Made the threat was just BSing .
My friend who's a corrections officer eventually had to prove himself by pulling an unruly prisoner out of his cell and reading him the riot act, upon which the prisoner cowered like a puppy. Granted, my friend is a 285-pound competitive weightlifter in his spare time, so it may be a little bit easier for him, but I don't think how big you are really matters (hardly any of the other guards are even close to his size); anyway, I think eventually you're going to get tested and have to prove you aren't afraid to be in a physical altercation. Once they know you aren't a "punk," or whatever the vernacular may be, things seem to go a lot smoother. They're criminals, so they want the path of least resistance, once they know a guard isn't scared to give it back, they just go on to the next. Just think of them as barking dogs, eventually you'll settle-in and you won't be rattled by anything anymore.
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Old 02-19-2017
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I can understand why he was abusive towards yer mum. She drove him to it.
I came to that same conclusion, myself. Just based off how my mum tends to nag me a lotta the time, and how she's very controlling, as far what I can & can't do. Even when I've decided something for myself. And I did wonder if this was how she treated my dad? Since I look exactly like my dad.

Though, my mum's side of story doesn't give that impression. But I don't believe I've told the whole regarding her relationship with my dad. AI never had the guts to bring this up whenever me and my dad were left to chat by ourselves, during his visits to the house. It just like felt an awkward thing to discuss.

Or is just purely coincidence that, she's dour, pessimistic and downbeat around me; and we're talking depressing enough to make ye want just slit yer wrists for some excitement. But she's ever the optimist, happy and upbeat with my older sisters, niece, or anyone in the family who's not me for that matter?
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Old 02-19-2017
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Though, my mum's side of story doesn't give that impression. But I don't believe I've told the whole regarding her relationship with my dad
Of course you haven't been told the full story. Yer mum's gonna keep stum about much of it, as she's at fault - she's gonna blame him for absolutely everything, just like she blames you for everything. She has to protect her man-sized ego.

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Or is just purely coincidence that, she's dour, pessimistic and downbeat around me
There is one possibility that i've just realized now, that she mirrors your emotional tone, or that is, your low moods affect her quite a bit.
(I know that my mum isn't all negative/pessimistic nowadays, since i stopped being negative around her)
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Old 02-19-2017
 

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Originally Posted by FountainandFairfax View Post
My friend who's a corrections officer eventually had to prove himself by pulling an unruly prisoner out of his cell and reading him the riot act, upon which the prisoner cowered like a puppy. Granted, my friend is a 285-pound competitive weightlifter in his spare time, so it may be a little bit easier for him, but I don't think how big you are really matters (hardly any of the other guards are even close to his size); anyway, I think eventually you're going to get tested and have to prove you aren't afraid to be in a physical altercation. Once they know you aren't a "punk," or whatever the vernacular may be, things seem to go a lot smoother. They're criminals, so they want the path of least resistance, once they know a guard isn't scared to give it back, they just go on to the next. Just think of them as barking dogs, eventually you'll settle-in and you won't be rattled by anything anymore.
barking dogs . lol. I like that analogy. thats pretty much what my partner was saying afterwards (he's been there almost a year) . he's about 300 pounds and I'm only 175 so I'm glad he was there to back me up. lol . but generally when something like that happens , they're just BSing with their threats and dont intend to do ANYTHING..then the next time I see them its just water under the bridge . depending on how you handle the situation, they'll understand that you dont mess around and stop trying you..a few of them have already stopped trying to get to me .all I had to do is go like "what did you just say?!" when they talked crap to me then and they're like "I didnt say anything , it wasnt me" and now they dont bother me anymore .

I let them get away with minor things that I technically COULD write them up for (insignificant stuff like hanging clothes in the wrong place, being in the bathroom during count, etc) but yelling at an officer and making threats is something I won't tolerate .

so yes, a few of them already know what the deal is but there are still a handful of them that I might have to continue with..


might have to write some of them up today if they try me again....hopefully it'll just be a quiet day though and I can help some inmates with requests . I prefer those kind of days .








the area I work in is a new arrival dorm with 4 separate pods, and bunk beds on two tiers.
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Old 02-19-2017
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I remember a time of chaos... ruined dreams... this wasted land.
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barking dogs . lol. I like that analogy. thats pretty much what my partner was saying afterwards (he's been there almost a year) . generally when something like that happens , they're just BSing and dont intend to do ANYTHING..then the next time I see them its just water under the bridge . depending on how you handle the situation, they'll understand that you dont mess around and stop trying you..a few of them have already stopped trying to get to me .all I had to do is go like "what did you just say?!" and they're like "I didnt say anything , it wasnt me" and now they dont bother me anymore .

I let them get away with small things that I technically COULD write them up for (like hanging clothes in the wrong place, being in the bathroom during count, etc) but yelling at an officer and making threats is something I won't tolerate .

so yeah, a few of them already know what the deal is but there are still a handful of them that I might have to continue with..


might have to write some of them up today if they try me again....hopefully it'll just be a quiet day though and I can help some inmates with requests . I prefer those kind of days .
That sounds like a good plan, you're keeping a level head and maintaining perspective.

This will probably be you in a couple of weeks:



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Old 02-19-2017
 

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That sounds like a good plan, you're keeping a level head and maintaining perspective.

This will probably be you in a couple of weeks:



haha..Idk about THAT....im too nice but then again maybe thats my achilles heel.



hopefully ill be able to put the rest of them in their place in the next couple weeks though.



btw thats a great movie . Tim Robbins was also good in Jacobs Ladder...it kind of reminded me of a more recent film called vanilla sky
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Old 02-19-2017
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Of course you haven't been told the full story. Yer mum's gonna keep stum about much of it, as she's at fault - she's gonna blame him for absolutely everything, just like she blames you for everything. She has to protect her man-sized ego.
Uh-huh! I know that for a fact, because when I mentioned a past disagreement between us, my mum instantly shift all the blame onto me. And said I brought the argument on myself. Apparently, being disabled, I have to just let people do things for me, even when I don't ask them to


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There is one possibility that i've just realized now, that she mirrors your emotional tone, or that is, your low moods affect her quite a bit.
(I know that my mum isn't all negative/pessimistic nowadays, since i stopped being negative around her)
How's that? When she's the one constantly being negative. I just listen to her and agree, since she hates when she told she's wrong. She constantly discouraging from doing what I want to do, because she's not keen on it. I mean, my recent tattoo and operation last year had me almost in tears trying to explain to how it's always about her. Everything's being a pointless waste of time is another nihilistic gem. Or her endlessly compaining about how her life is shit. How men are useless, etc. Yet, if I point out the irony of these statements, she goes in the huff.

But whenever I complain about my life, I'm told to not be so dour, and life's what ya make it. Just saying, like, I rarely say anything negative or pessimistic. If I do, it's more a learnt habit from having to listen to my mum find fault in nearly everything.
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