How are you feeling?

SilentAndShy

Well-known member
A fraud. At work.

Five years into the job and I still can't relax in meetings. I got asked a question, I went the long way round it and the person said: "You haven't answered the question" about a budget query. In this moment of anxiety, I had no recollection that I had done it in already and forwarded it to the relevant people. I was stumbling, muttering and a colleague tried to help but it was embarrassing I could not handle control in that situation. I tried to redeem myself by going out of the meeting and printing a copy of the budget I'd done but it all seemed too late. The damage - to my image - was done.
 

Phoenixx

Well-known member
A fraud. At work.

Five years into the job and I still can't relax in meetings. I got asked a question, I went the long way round it and the person said: "You haven't answered the question" about a budget query. In this moment of anxiety, I had no recollection that I had done it in already and forwarded it to the relevant people. I was stumbling, muttering and a colleague tried to help but it was embarrassing I could not handle control in that situation. I tried to redeem myself by going out of the meeting and printing a copy of the budget I'd done but it all seemed too late. The damage - to my image - was done.
I remember having situations like this. Don't realize what you're saying and it's like you completely dissociate while your mouth is still running, and then apparently nothing you said made sense even though you have no recollection of what you even said in the first place. I have found what helps me most is just take a breath, focus on the person who asked you the question, put yourself in tunnel vision so-to-speak -- so you're only focused on THAT person, and ignore everyone else. Treat it as if it were a one-on-one conversation rather than a performance with an audience. It takes a lot of practice, and given I'm not perfect either and still stumble in those situations, but going about it that way has helped me a lot.
 

Phoenixx

Well-known member
Tired. The last several days have been stressful with new changes. I've had to go about them pretty much alone, which had left me frustrated and scared. It's not that I didn't want this, I just wanted to go through this with someone else by my side. I guess he's still by my side, just not at this moment.

I don't know what to think anymore, it's hard. I'm often left thinking that even when you think you have someone sometimes you won't have them and you're still left all alone to figure things out. I'm usually fine with figuring things out, but I think it's the loneliness that scares me. And because I can't control that I feel like I have to try to control other people's lives in the process and that's just plain selfish. I don't like the person I've been becoming lately and I need to change that.
 

theoutsider

Well-known member
A fraud. At work.

Five years into the job and I still can't relax in meetings. I got asked a question, I went the long way round it and the person said: "You haven't answered the question" about a budget query. In this moment of anxiety, I had no recollection that I had done it in already and forwarded it to the relevant people. I was stumbling, muttering and a colleague tried to help but it was embarrassing I could not handle control in that situation. I tried to redeem myself by going out of the meeting and printing a copy of the budget I'd done but it all seemed too late. The damage - to my image - was done.

Been there, I can relate. In a meeting some time ago, I got thrown under the bus when my manager couldn't answer a question and turned to me as the "expert". Totally caught off guard and unprepared, I stammered something about not having the answer but I'd have to arrange a get-together to address the issue. Everyone was looking at me like I was the incompetent even though it was something that wasn't my responsibility. I still get a little angry about it if I think about it too much.
 

theoutsider

Well-known member
Anxious (surprise!). I published my first works a few weeks ago. A lot of my acquaintances were interested and ordered copies. Nobody has said anything to me about it since. I really felt like I'd finally gotten it right and had put out a masterpiece. Nobody has said anything negative but the silence has me wondering if it isn't actually God awful. I've since read over it at least three times, alternating between thinking it's as good as I originally thought and the anxiety convincing me that it's terrible and I made a mistake telling anyone it had been published.
 

Miserum

Well-known member
Anxious (surprise!). I published my first works a few weeks ago. A lot of my acquaintances were interested and ordered copies. Nobody has said anything to me about it since. I really felt like I'd finally gotten it right and had put out a masterpiece. Nobody has said anything negative but the silence has me wondering if it isn't actually God awful. I've since read over it at least three times, alternating between thinking it's as good as I originally thought and the anxiety convincing me that it's terrible and I made a mistake telling anyone it had been published.

Maybe they haven't gotten around to reading them yet. They are acquaintances so maybe your works aren't on their list of priorities. Or maybe they are just busy.
 

LoyalXenite

Well-known member
Anxious (surprise!). I published my first works a few weeks ago. A lot of my acquaintances were interested and ordered copies. Nobody has said anything to me about it since. I really felt like I'd finally gotten it right and had put out a masterpiece. Nobody has said anything negative but the silence has me wondering if it isn't actually God awful. I've since read over it at least three times, alternating between thinking it's as good as I originally thought and the anxiety convincing me that it's terrible and I made a mistake telling anyone it had been published.

Lots of people are not only slow readers, but slow starters too. They may not have even started reading it yet, let alone finished it. Give it more time.
 

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
On the verge o’ giving up for good. Ah just cannae take this anymore.

Sick of huvin to tolerate the family drama. Fed up with my advice n’ pleas for change falling on deaf ears.

Who cares anyway, eh? It’s not as if my well-being is important.

I feel as though ma family would be better off it ah wus deid, tae be honest. Tired of plastering oan a fake smile n’ pretending it aw hunky-dory. Ah genuinely huv’nae felt happy in 2 years. Just feel like there’s this weight on my shoulders. This feckin’ burden o’ responsibility, an obligation to care for ma family, more than they do me. Though, one of my older siblings has made it abundantly clear she does’nae care aboot me. She even forgot that ah still live with our mother when she berate her for serving up my dinner before 4 o’clock in the afternoon a few weeks ago. 😡

And, today, I nearly got into argument with my oldest sister regarding whether or not a computer I’d bought was getting built up, returned to the place I purchased it from. Or, we were buying brake-locking wheel castors for it. As it did’nae come with them.
 

Miserum

Well-known member
On the verge o’ giving up for good. Ah just cannae take this anymore.

Sick of huvin to tolerate the family drama. Fed up with my advice n’ pleas for change falling on deaf ears.

Who cares anyway, eh? It’s not as if my well-being is important.

I feel as though ma family would be better off it ah wus deid, tae be honest. Tired of plastering oan a fake smile n’ pretending it aw hunky-dory. Ah genuinely huv’nae felt happy in 2 years. Just feel like there’s this weight on my shoulders. This feckin’ burden o’ responsibility, an obligation to care for ma family, more than they do me. Though, one of my older siblings has made it abundantly clear she does’nae care aboot me. She even forgot that ah still live with our mother when she berate her for serving up my dinner before 4 o’clock in the afternoon a few weeks ago. 😡

And, today, I nearly got into argument with my oldest sister regarding whether or not a computer I’d bought was getting built up, returned to the place I purchased it from. Or, we were buying brake-locking wheel castors for it. As it did’nae come with them.

Is moving out and away an option?
 

SilentAndShy

Well-known member
Been there, I can relate. In a meeting some time ago, I got thrown under the bus when my manager couldn't answer a question and turned to me as the "expert". Totally caught off guard and unprepared, I stammered something about not having the answer but I'd have to arrange a get-together to address the issue. Everyone was looking at me like I was the incompetent even though it was something that wasn't my responsibility. I still get a little angry about it if I think about it too much.

That sounds more the manager being a complete pain by putting you on the spot, but I can imagine the feeling of inadequacy in that moment as the "expert" (something which I'm seen of at work even though, compared to my contemporaries, I really would not be the expert) you gave the only answer you could give - which was honest (you didn't have the answer) and you'd arrange something later to deliver the information.

Sadly, that sounds like something my manager would do and infact he partially did because he could have saved me by reminding me and the meeting members that I had prepared something but if he did that, it would have exposed his failure to forward my budget to our higher managers.

I remember having situations like this. Don't realize what you're saying and it's like you completely dissociate while your mouth is still running, and then apparently nothing you said made sense even though you have no recollection of what you even said in the first place. I have found what helps me most is just take a breath, focus on the person who asked you the question, put yourself in tunnel vision so-to-speak -- so you're only focused on THAT person, and ignore everyone else. Treat it as if it were a one-on-one conversation rather than a performance with an audience. It takes a lot of practice, and given I'm not perfect either and still stumble in those situations, but going about it that way has helped me a lot.

In that moment, the advice you give is difficult to do however I had semi-prepared for what I may be asked for the meeting but the biggest error was completely forgetting what I had done before. Maybe the anxiety I had completely clouded my memory and functionality.
 

Miserum

Well-known member
Aye. But every time I bring that up, it’s just turns into an argument between my mother and I.
You don't have to let it become an argument. You can just do it. It's your life. I think deciding to live on my own was one of the best decisions I've made in life so far. I feel free to do anything I desire. My family relationships have improved dramatically too because we're not always criticizing each other, and distance makes us actually miss each other.

As long as it's financially reasonable for you to move out and no one is literally counting on you to take care of them (for example, because they have a terminal sickness or are extremely disabled), then nothing should be holding you back, in my opinion.

Can your family actually live without you, and you without them? If so, the only barrier to you moving might be your decision to stay.
 
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theoutsider

Well-known member
Lots of people are not only slow readers, but slow starters too. They may not have even started reading it yet, let alone finished it. Give it more time.

Maybe they haven't gotten around to reading them yet. They are acquaintances so maybe your works aren't on their list of priorities. Or maybe they are just busy.

You guys are probably both right and I should know better...but this anxiety always gets the best of me. The funny thing is I have books that some others have written that I haven't started on in months. I don't know why I should think it would be any different with me.
 

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
You don't have to let it become an argument.

I try not to. But that’s what they always become. Because — God-forbid! — ye make the mistake of asking why one person is always shouting more than the other. And you’ve sarcastically said something to the effort of:

“D’ye see how you shoutin’ like that does’nae help yer argument?”

At least that’s how most of the arguments with my family huv went. Since, for a good few years, I was the only male presence within the family; and my mother and sisters projected a lotta their man-hating aggression onto me. Regardless of what the argument was about, I was always wrong.

You can just do it. It's your life. I think deciding to live on my own was one of the best decisions I've made in life so far. I feel free to do anything I desire. My family relationships have improved dramatically too because we're not always criticizing each other, and distance makes us actually miss each other.

I’m glad your family relationships improved by living on your own. But, beside my relationship with my mother, I’m not that bother about improving my other family relationships. My oldest sister I kinda get along with. The middle child has always f_ckin’ despised me. So, trying to get to a point where we get along would be a waste of time, in my opinion. Since there’s a lotta issues to get through.

As long as it's financially reasonable for you to move out and no one is literally counting on you to take care of them (for example, because they have a terminal sickness or are extremely disabled), then nothing should be holding you back, in my opinion.

I’d be taking a hit to disability benefit payments if I moved out. Since I’m the one that’s pretty disabled. But I guess it’d be worth the loss, financially? I’d get so peace living on my own at least.

Can your family actually live without you, and you without them? If so, the only barrier to you moving might be your decision to stay.

I could live without them. Don’t know if they could live without me, though? Since who could they project all their problems onto? And my mother wouldn’t have anyone to talk or rely upon. As I’m the one of her kids who doesn’t berate her or cause a fuss when asked to do something. But that’s about it, really. I’m not really stay because I want to, but because I know how things will turn out if I do. Basically, if ah leave, my mother constantly being nagged by my older sister will be the death of her. Then I’ll get blamed for it, as I do most things in my family.
 

Miserum

Well-known member
I try not to. But that’s what they always become. Because — God-forbid! — ye make the mistake of asking why one person is always shouting more than the other. And you’ve sarcastically said something to the effort of:

“D’ye see how you shoutin’ like that does’nae help yer argument?”

At least that’s how most of the arguments with my family huv went. Since, for a good few years, I was the only male presence within the family; and my mother and sisters projected a lotta their man-hating aggression onto me. Regardless of what the argument was about, I was always wrong.



I’m glad your family relationships improved by living on your own. But, beside my relationship with my mother, I’m not that bother about improving my other family relationships. My oldest sister I kinda get along with. The middle child has always f_ckin’ despised me. So, trying to get to a point where we get along would be a waste of time, in my opinion. Since there’s a lotta issues to get through.



I’d be taking a hit to disability benefit payments if I moved out. Since I’m the one that’s pretty disabled. But I guess it’d be worth the loss, financially? I’d get so peace living on my own at least.



I could live without them. Don’t know if they could live without me, though? Since who could they project all their problems onto? And my mother wouldn’t have anyone to talk or rely upon. As I’m the one of her kids who doesn’t berate her or cause a fuss when asked to do something. But that’s about it, really. I’m not really stay because I want to, but because I know how things will turn out if I do. Basically, if ah leave, my mother constantly being nagged by my older sister will be the death of her. Then I’ll get blamed for it, as I do most things in my family.

When I said you don't have to let it become an argument, what I meant was that you could literally just tell your family that you're moving out. If you've made the decision, then there's nothing to argue about. You don't even have to entertain their attempts to argue with you. You can tell them and then leave the premises.

I have a feeling that your mother will survive your sister. Why can't your sister move out (unless she's still a minor) as well? And if she is a minor, I can only imagine that the nagging can only last a few years more at maximum, right? And it's not like you can't lend your mother support over the phone, via text, email etc. You can still be there for her, at a distance.

As for your disability benefits, can you earn enough to make a living without them? If you can, man I would move out in a hot second. From my point of view, I don't see much holding you back besides benefits and your mother's feelings.

Toxic people and environments will take their toll on you, as they do on us all. Best to get out ASAP imo.
 

Miserum

Well-known member
Jesus fuck work makes me chronically exhausted. Am I going to be this tired for the rest of my life? I fucking hope not.
 
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