Re: How are you feeling?
*sigh*. Im going in about a weeks time up to my sister's house for Thanksgiving.
My sister has always been the polar opposite of me,completely SA free and the life of the party. Im not looking forward to meeting all of her friends. My sister seems to love belittling me and acting like im a 5 year old infront of her friends,im 18 shes 20. "This is my little brother,hes like SUPER shy and stuff,try not to scare him" "AWW you are SOOO adorable yes you are!" they talk to me like im a f**king baby,of course this all follows with collective laughter. It pisses me off and its so degrading. Not to mention all of her friends look like supermodels so it makes the entire thing that much more uncomfortable.
While im up there im also going with them to take a look and go for an unofficial tour around my University and the little city its in. A month or two ago when my rare happy streak was in full swing I would have jumped at the opportunity. But sure enough as the streak was just a shortlived burst I can feel my hope,my care,my complete motivation slowly slipping away from me. I was really excited to begin preparing to send my application but as my mouse cursor hovers over the "complete" button im overwhelmed with a sensation that screams "WHY F**KING BOTHER!". Im so afraid of university,I threw up from the sheer nerves of just looking at its campus.
Im not intelligent,atleast not anymore. Ive pretty much lost all confidence that I once had in academics and I get so afraid when people talk about it,even on this forum. Everybody is so much smarter than me. I dont know if I can handle the pressure of it all.
I dont know.I just dont f**king know. My motivation is at an all time low.