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Old 10-21-2010
 

I've been quiet for as a long as I remember myself(I'm 20).I didnít really care about it before because I had best friends who accepted me for who I am. However, after I left my friends and moved to another country I realized that I canít build friendships with people. I go to college and I never can make decent conversation with anyone, I barely ever talk. I know itís strange but I know how to smile, I know how to keep eye contact, be friendly, confident, and curious. When I try to talk to someone I ask open-ended questions but they never lead to conversation. I just canít open up anyone and I never really open up myself. I donít even talk much to my relatives and parents. I always read news, books, magazines,watch movies but it still doesn't help me to open up. I even tried different clubs but I always quit because I canít connect with anyone there. I know people who only play games and donít read at all but even they seem to be much more socialized than I am.I feel so lonely right now.


I think problem is with processing information in our brains and with the way we think. For example, I have always less to say than talkative person even If I went through the same experiences with that person. Whether it's movie, trips, parties, college classes, teachers I always have limited thoughts, thus my conversation is rather dull. I believe that it can be changed and we can improve our abilities to talk, we just need learn to think the way talkative people do. However, I currently don't know how talkative people process information which is why I'm asking you for help.
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Old 10-21-2010
philly2bits's Avatar
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It seems I'm in the same boat as you. I've tried to change my actions first without changing thoughts first but that has gone nowhere. Now I'm trying to change my thoughts in the hopes that actions will follow. I'm stuck on how to change my thoughts though. I don't know how to go about it. It not as easy as just thinking good thoughts.
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Old 10-21-2010
Sial Axetder's Avatar
Amazing curves!
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I find a talkative person may speak before thought. Not saying they are bad people.

Just not me.

I am a quiet person.

In Socialworld I feel I cannot take the needed amount of time to think. I will answer quickly. Say what I thought of something in three words. It was good.

I am starting to ignore that feeling and taking my time.

You'll never know nor understand how a talkative person processes information. Like quiet people we're all different and will have different ways.

This is from the mind of a quiet person.
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Old 10-21-2010
 

You sound very interesting, and for some reason, i like the way you write. I'm going to PM you one of these days! Hope to speak to you soon
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Old 10-21-2010
 

my goal atm is to do an assertive/speaking class but I do feel with my anxiety when it kicks in and im talking to someone its hard for me to concentrate and listen to what they are saying so therefore I often get them to repeat themselves or I loose train of thought
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Old 10-21-2010
deleted user 1
 

I never used to be this quiet at all. I literally say nothing now. It's made work life very difficult. I literally can't find anything to say, then over analyze everything, and the pressure builds! I thought perhaps looking at things from another perspective would help, that's my new objective. I notice that talktative people, extroverts, are more openly curious about their environment and the people around them. They are rarely eloquent and say the right things, but the mere fact they engage people around them. We make it hard for them to engage us because we are very closed and unresponsive. It's a two way street that we block off. In knowing this, I feel even more frustrated, because in principle this is a very simple problem to solve, but in practice, damn near impossible!

Quote:
Originally Posted by missjesss View Post
my goal atm is to do an assertive/speaking class but I do feel with my anxiety when it kicks in and im talking to someone its hard for me to concentrate and listen to what they are saying so therefore I often get them to repeat themselves or I loose train of thought
This is actually a very good idea. I was thinking of something like this before, but backed out when I hit another low point. Regardless of how much of a train wreck this ends up being, if it gets you out of your comfort zone and in a situation to deal with the problem, you will adapt and learn, thus grow. I definitely want to try this at some point. But there's barely anything like this where I live :(
 
Old 10-21-2010
vanfuggle's Avatar
Newbie User
 

I just think its funny how the advertisement I'm reading right below this thread says "I'm popular, You're not"
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Old 10-21-2010
vanfuggle's Avatar
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Quote:
Originally Posted by missjesss View Post
my goal atm is to do an assertive/speaking class but I do feel with my anxiety when it kicks in and im talking to someone its hard for me to concentrate and listen to what they are saying so therefore I often get them to repeat themselves or I loose train of thought
This sounds great. Where do you find a class like that?
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Old 10-21-2010
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by TheAristocrat View Post
I never used to be this quiet at all. I literally say nothing now. It's made work life very difficult. I literally can't find anything to say, then over analyze everything, and the pressure builds! I thought perhaps looking at things from another perspective would help, that's my new objective. I notice that talktative people, extroverts, are more openly curious about their environment and the people around them. They are rarely eloquent and say the right things, but the mere fact they engage people around them. We make it hard for them to engage us because we are very closed and unresponsive. It's a two way street that we block off. In knowing this, I feel even more frustrated, because in principle this is a very simple problem to solve, but in practice, damn near impossible!



This is actually a very good idea. I was thinking of something like this before, but backed out when I hit another low point. Regardless of how much of a train wreck this ends up being, if it gets you out of your comfort zone and in a situation to deal with the problem, you will adapt and learn, thus grow. I definitely want to try this at some point. But there's barely anything like this where I live :(


hi,I liked how you explained that we:"we make it hard for them to engage us because we are very closed and unresponsive. It's a two way street that we block off. In knowing this, I feel even more frustrated, because in principle this is a very simple problem to solve, but in practice, damn near impossible! "

That's actually so true.I sit next to a girl in my class.When I met her first time she was so talkative and happy.I also tried to be friendly,I smiled to her and asked questions but after awhile I noticed that she's not that talkative to me anymore.I don't know what to ask her anymore.I asked her for face book and later added her as a friend;I thought maybe it will help me but it's not enough.Now I feel so bad and angry at myself.We definitely need to learn to make random conversations but as you said "this is a very simple problem to solve, but in practice, damn near impossible! "
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Old 10-21-2010
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by vanfuggle View Post
This sounds great. Where do you find a class like that?
yeah,it's sounds like very interesting class.I'll try to find out if it exists in my city
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Old 10-21-2010
deleted user 1
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by otaman20 View Post
hi,I liked how you explained that we:"we make it hard for them to engage us because we are very closed and unresponsive. It's a two way street that we block off. In knowing this, I feel even more frustrated, because in principle this is a very simple problem to solve, but in practice, damn near impossible! "

That's actually so true.I sit next to a girl in my class.When I met her first time she was so talkative and happy.I also tried to be friendly,I smiled to her and asked questions but after awhile I noticed that she's not that talkative to me anymore.I don't know what to ask her anymore.I asked her for face book and later added her as a friend;I thought maybe it will help me but it's not enough.Now I feel so bad and angry at myself.We definitely need to learn to make random conversations but as you said "this is a very simple problem to solve, but in practice, damn near impossible! "
This reminds me, I am working on a conversation spider diagram, picking topics and trying to think of as many ways of branching out from it as possible. The aim is to get myself to change the way I think about conversations and to start being more involved and in control of them, rather than relying on people to talk to me first and offer conversational content. I don't know if this will be of any use to you, or whether you are interested, but in case you are, below is a link that got me started. At the very least I hope that it will inspire more confidence in you.

Conversation techniques

Best of luck Otaman!
 
Old 10-21-2010
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by TheAristocrat View Post
This reminds me, I am working on a conversation spider diagram, picking topics and trying to think of as many ways of branching out from it as possible. The aim is to get myself to change the way I think about conversations and to start being more involved and in control of them, rather than relying on people to talk to me first and offer conversational content. I don't know if this will be of any use to you, or whether you are interested, but in case you are, below is a link that got me started. At the very least inspire more confidence in you.

Conversation techniques

Best of luck Otaman!

Wow!Thanks bro for sharing.That's actually very interesting.I'll definitely try this.I think you found a right path toward improving.Giving up is definitely not an option.Good luck to you too!
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Old 10-22-2010
xautumns_glare88x's Avatar
Newbie User
 

otaman20 i can relate so much to what you said before

Quote:
"For example, I have always less to say than talkative person even If I went through the same experiences with that person. Whether it's movie, trips, parties, college classes, teachers I always have limited thoughts, thus my conversation is rather dull."
Ive had alot of fun great experiences with close friends of mine and family but when it comes to sharing them with anyone at that matter i have limited thoughts of what happened and alot of the time it will be really chopped up and inaccurate. The one thing I noticed about talkative people is there able to share memories so well spoken and accurately. But yes i run into this problem all the time and for the longest time at that. It can become very frustrating when trying to start a conversation.

Im just happy im not alone on this
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Old 10-22-2010
shellshackled's Avatar
Newbie User
 

Here's something interesting:

Kids May Inherit Shyness, Study Suggests - General News - redOrbit

So maybe all of us socialphobes just have over-active amygdalas.
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Old 10-23-2010
just wanna b normal's Avatar
Intermediate User
 

this will answer your questions--http://www.socialphobiaworld.com/i-think-i-found-the-cure-to-social-anxiety-phobia-29818/
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Old 10-31-2010
 

Well one thing that works pretty well is saying the other persons name alot when speaking to them. People like hearing their names back to them for some reason (i hate when people say my name tho). Talkative people are nosey, they're always asking questions and pointing out everything they notice. They're not afraid to make a fool of themselves either. Well thats what I notice about talkative popular people I know of.
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Old 10-31-2010
JamesSmith's Avatar
Expert User
 

I think the problem with all of us is the same thing. We all have a problem with our muscles being more tense than other people's muscles. They are more relaxed than we are. This tension acts as chains holding us down, like a big weight. The only way to break these chains is to learn how to relax. I hope it's possible to learn how to relax, or we are screwed if there isn't.
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Old 03-20-2011
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Newbie User
 

I feel like talkative people have learned to accept what other people say as interesting, and have also learned to believe that what they themselves say is interesting. I think people who DON'T talk alot are the opposite...they tend to put everything they could potentially say to a stranger under a microscope and thus begin to believe that what they have to say is uninteresting. That's always been my personal opinion. I tend to have that problem as well. I myself am usually very quiet and find it hard to keep a conversation going because before I even say anything (a personal story, some random comment) I think to myself, "wow, if I said that right now it would come across as remarkably uninteresting and so they'd probably see me as a schmuck." Whereas a very talkative person does not have such a mechanism for censoring their thoughts and finds everything they say to another person interesting. They just say it.

Perhaps that is the difference? I don't know, I tried it out once and it was viewed with some success.
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Old 03-20-2011
MsBuzzkillington's Avatar
Expert User
 

I have always wondered what talkative people are thinking about just before they speak, or how their brain is working.

I went to a little club meeting thing at the school and there were some people who had a comment to say about almost everything that was being presented. They talked a lot with the presenter and they talked a lot with other people around them.

I wondered what exactly was going through their minds while they were sitting there listening. I was listening and thinking about different things and just... thinking.

Like do they think, I have to say this! Or is it involuntary that they just blab it out? Not like they don't have any control... just no... filter.
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Old 03-21-2011
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Intermediate User
 

I'm not sure I can help, but pretty much everything you said is exactly the same for me except for the moved to another country part. I know I have social skills, I just find it extremely difficult to use them. I'm in college and can't really connect with anyone except the few high school friends who live across town now.
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